The cold gripped me and threw me, so I pulled me hood tighter. It took 15 minutes to get to school in the freezing wind, and all the while I had my mind on you. It started in my thoughts The way you smiled, your eyes how they light up when you talk about something you loved, the way you dressed nicely and clean even when they said you cared to much, and the way you stuck up for others even though you didn't need to; you could have went along with the others single file one after the other pushing down the slowest solider. With you though everyone was perfect the way they were. So yes you gripped me, but never touched me,and you wished me luck but never said a word. So yes it started at my head as a drip and then pored down my face into my eyes then made its way into my heart. So now my love grows stronger, and even my head can't argue. Now I'm here though with you in my sight, and I'm frozen even though your warm smile is upon me. I always get like this, always afraid. One day I'll tell you though, and swim in your love...one day.
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139,359 Literary Works • 672,540 Reviews
Okay, I just want to start off and say I CAN DEFINITELY relate to this.
Now that that is out of the way, onto the review!
I think that this is a very good idea for a short story. I can tell you really put a lot of thought into this piece, and the emotions show through. I think the emotions are so prevalent because of the way you ordered the piece- starting with stating you were thinking about the person, then describing them, then how you interacted, and lastly how you are too afraid to say you loved them. So, I applaud your structuring in this. It really adds a lot to the story!
However, at times I found it hard to enjoy this piece because of grammar issues. For example:
"The cold gripped and threw me, so I pulled me hood tighter."
(The second "me" should be "my.")
Try reading your piece out loud after you proofread, or find a friend to read it and proofread. Often times they catch mistakes you don't.
While I feel that this piece portrays what you want it to, I think you should really add more to it. The first sentence is good and all, but you only discuss where you are (location,) or what you physically feel (cold,) once in the piece. So, this sentence feels somewhat misplaced.
Overall, I liked this. Maybe something you could do with this is make it into a longer story, or insert it into a longer story you are writing that isn't exclusive to this piece. This story has a lot of potential!!!!!!! Keep writing!! <3
Hello, steampowered here with a review!
Firstly, can I just say that I’m definitely a fan of ultra-short stories. However, I feel like this story has a fair bit of unexplored potential, and perhaps if you were to expand on this a bit more you might be able to cast more of a spell over your audience. The other thing you could do – considering this is more of a narrative than an actual plot – would be to re-format this as a poem.
If you’re planning to keep this as a short story, I feel like we need to know just a little more about the protagonist because we currently don’t have much information about her. What is she like as a person? Is she a daydreamer? Is she the popular kid? The unpopular kid? Is she the bookworm who spends all her time in the library? Is she a hopeless romantic? Is this first love?
Onto a few more nitpicky things. When you’re writing like this, it really, really does improve the flow of the story if you use paragraphs. Otherwise you’ve lost a lot of your impact and a fair few of your readers, who won’t want to be confronted with a giant wall of text.
You also need to proofread this again or get a friend to proofread it for you. I don’t like to be too pernickety over spelling when I’m writing a review, but you had the wrong words for some things – like “solider” instead of “soldier” and “pored” instead of “poured”.
So just to conclude – whilst this was a promising start, I feel like you need to add some more action, description or character building to flesh this story out. You’ve got a kind of bare bones here, but I reckon it could definitely be improved upon.
Hopefully this review wasn’t too harsh. Feel free to let me know if you ever need anything else reviewed, and keep writing!
-steam-
Welcome to the site, mate! A quick review from me. You can call it rather nitpicky review. Because, I don't happen to have much/any suggestion for you on the story development so, I should rather help you correcting the few mistakes you've done.
Let's go!
Spoiler
"My hood" I guess.
"And all the while I had you in mind" sounds more appropriate.
Let me rewrite it for you,
"It started in my thoughts; The way you smile, how your your eyes lit up when you talk
about something you love, they way you dress up nicely even when you hear people saying you care too much. The way you stuck up for others even though that was unnecessary."
I'm not exactly sure what's this about! :3
I think you should use periods. And, in these few lines, you need to add bit more punctuation marks, would make it easier to read and would leave no way to get confused.
Liked these lines particularly! And, you should make paragraphs, I think. That should make this work neater.
Anyway, hopefully I've helped!
~Nire.
Thanks
A few grammatical errors, very, very good though. Amazing description and just really great!