Young Writers Society

Hey, this is me to review as requested! Sorry for the long wait! I see you've got a ton of reviews here, and I hope you'll improve this chapter by referring to them. First, I'll check your grammar as it would decide whether a reader can read the story without being disturbed by the grammatical errors.

Long before our paths crossed, I was a thorn in a bed of roses, I was admired and cared for, gracious in nature, but would inevitably cause pain when you get to close, which is why I would never be good enough for you.

"I will change, I will be a better person"

These are words, you never saw slip from my lips; I knew how delicate and precious you were, you made me want to change and to become a better person.

I never had to tell you, you never judged or criticised me, the problem was my own inability to feel like I could change, it's only now it's too late I can see what you did for me.

I'm not even going to begin to think you can understand; why I chose to leave.

I stood at the station, and kissed your forehead, and watched you walk away for the last time, you never knew that was the last time you would ever see me.

I'll see you soon.

I said, holding back the tears I never knew existed, forcing a smile, knowing I had told my first lie to you; It's not that I didn't want you to know, I wanted to tell you, but I was afraid, I was a coward.

I'm going off point, it's just hard for me to write raw honesty, when my life has been built from deceit and broken promises but for once I'm going to be true, for you.

I took things literally and I allowed myself to be influenced.

You were the first person to make me feel like I can, and I broke your heart.

I cannot blame anyone but myself but you need to understand why I run.

My only solace now; is thinking that, I was 14,867 miles closer to you, at the time I didn't realise that.

Hello! Here again as requested!

Again, didn't read the other reviews, so I apologize in advance if I repeat something.

It's hard to put into words, everything that brought me to you; it all seems insignificant.

Right now in this moment I'm trying to find the pieces of a miss-matched puzzle, as to mend the pieces of your broken heart; for my heart has become stone, and only begins to beat when I think of you.

You opened my eyes, and made me forget about what has been, you became my future but I made you my past.

Lets go back to a time, we were nothing but strangers; you could have walked past me in the city, and I could have looked back at you, but it just so happened we never met that way.

It all started with the words on a page, it's almost poetic it ends the same way.

So let me take you back, and finally let you into my head, you always tried but I never let you, I never wanted to upset you.

Long before our paths crossed, I was a thorn in a bed of roses, I was admired and cared for, gracious in nature, but would inevitably cause pain when you get to close, which is why I would never be good enough for you.

Your innocence is blinding, and I would never wish to taint your warm heart.

"I will change, I will be a better person"

These are words, you never saw slip from my lips; I knew how delicate and precious you were, you made me want to change and to become a better person.

I never had to tell you, you never judged or criticised me, the problem was my own inability to feel like I could change, it's only now it's too late I can see what you did for me.

And what I did to you.

I'm not even going to begin to think you can understand; why I chose to leave.

I stood at the station, and kissed your forehead, and watched you walk away for the last time, you never knew that was the last time you would ever see me.

I said, holding back the tears I never knew existed, forcing a smile, knowing I had told my first lie to you; It's not that I didn't want you to know, I wanted to tell you, but I was afraid, I was a coward.

I'm going off point, it's just hard for me to write raw honesty, when my life has been built from deceit and broken promises but for once I'm going to be true, for you.

I never thought I could do anything, when really I did everything, and I didn't care.

My only solace now; is thinking that, I was 14,867 miles closer to you, at the time I didn't realise that.

It's time to rewrite my destiny

This story leaves my mind in a knot- In a good way. I feel like so much of it has passed, yet so little of it is finished. Grammaral: "Long before our paths crossed, I was a thorn in a bed of roses, I was admired and cared for, gracious in nature, but would inevitably cause pain when you get to close, which is why I would never be good enough for you." This is a great medafore. The part that says "to close" would be "Too close". Incredible. Mind-blown. Left on a cliff hanger. Thank you for sharing

<3
-Waffle

Can't wait for Cht 2!

Hey there Enemy!

The format you chose for this went so well along side the story you were telling. It really helped to keep the audience captivated by your thoughts and the emotion involved really swept me off my feet. I've read quite a few novels in my time and this one was very different than what I've read before, but in an amazing way. I really loved this first chapter.

A little criticism: I don't want you at all to feel bad about this piece because it was really breath taking in several ways, and was written so well. Also, I've found, as I'm sure you are already aware, that writers have very different writing styles, so any advice that seems unnecessary may just be that way for the way you write.

For starters, there were a few grammar mistakes, like in Line 13, where a comma is necessary where instead you put a semicolon, because the following clause is dependent. Little grammar mistakes like that aren't that substantial though, they are just good to know about so when you become a famous author, you won't have to pay your editors that much

Like I said before, I love the way you formatted it! But when you switch the focus of your attention from the girl (I am assuming it is a girl, sorry), to yourself, it kind of switches writing styles, and threw me out of the story for a minute, and I had to take a second and reel me back in. When you read material from primitive or untalented writers, this happens very often, and is usually what can separate a great writer from an excellent one. Taking note of instances like these when editing your own work can really help you improve your writing skills.

Also, when you began to talk about yourself, you lost a bit of your descriptions and really self-aware, thought-provoking paragraphs that had made me love the piece so much in the beginning. Toward the end, you really bring that out again, but if you ever find yourself getting lazy or bored with your writing, take a brake, because it is at those times where you will drop a lot of the substance that makes your writing so amazing to read. Keep that in mind when writing the rest, or even when you're writing an essay for class. The qualities of description, diction, and synthesis that you have are not commonly seen in writing and those, like you, who possess them should really try to bring them out as best you can whenever you can.

On a lighter note, you have a really great use of tenses and almost never have trouble with switching between past, present, present progressive, past perfect, etc.

I am really excited to continue reading this and I cannot wait to see where you bring this story!

EXCELLENT Work!!
-DarkDewDrops

Hey hey!

Hat else is there to say but wow! You are such an amazing writer and story teller. This story about this mans journey is so out of the ordinary and so unique.

I'm not one to often read novels/long stories (I'm more of a poetry person). But you are starting to swayed me over to novels. This story is so interesting. It's like when a chapter ends I need to read more! I can't wait to read the next chapter and follow this man on his journey through words.

I must say that there are some parts that I just absolutely love! I love the ending in particular. I love the way that that you end the chapter. It's a little bit of a cliffhanger, but at the same time a beginning to something spectacular. I think you really have something going here!

I also loved the description. I do believe that in stories description is very important. The importance in description and detail is so that the reader cannot only read about a mans journey, but go along on the journey with them.

I know I have said it before, but it's worth saying again. You have insane and crazy talent! My favorite part (beside the ending ) was the part at the train station. You said in such a perfect as detailed way as to how you would never see her again and she didn't even Know. It's really sincere and heartfelt! You did an amazing job.

I can't wait to read more, but until then keep writing! I hope you're liking YWS, because by the looks of your writing you'll have no problem making a name for yourself. Anyways...

Stay classy and write on.

-Annaclare

Very interesting. The narrator in the story obviously has some issues with themselves, and is so upset with himself that he caused this person to leave. But now he sees he can change himself, because people can change. He took that step, and is now on a "journey" to fix himself. Like I said, this was a very interesting chapter and indeed intriguing. Keep it up...

WOW! I loved it can't wait for the next chapter!