School Story - Part Two

by EmileeBrightman

Published October 22, 2019

E - Everyone

In Stories

½ Through Freshmen Year...

Hayden had asked Miranda to meet him out behind the school after the last bell rang, after school hours. So, she did. When she went there, there was nobody there. There was nothing there. It was the same scene that was there any other day. She was confused and came to the conclusion that Hayden wasn’t there yet. She leaned against the wall, beside the window of a nearby classroom, and waited for Hayden. She gasped when she felt somebody hug her from behind and turned around to see Hayden hugging her, leaning out from the window of a classroom. He chuckled and held out a small box to her.

“Happy one-year anniversary.”

He said calmly, his eyes a bright green and vibrant pink. Miranda laughed and took the box slowly, studying it for a moment before opening it. Inside was a small card and a bracelet. The card read-

Happy One-Year Anniversary, Miranda Kindle! I truly am glad that I met you. I can’t think of a better person to be with. I hope you like the bracelet. I’ve been saving up my money to buy it!

Miranda took the bracelet out of the box and smiled softly. It had a small lotus flower charm made of onyx, and the chain itself was silver. She had Hayden put it on her wrist. He gave her a kiss on the cheek and smiled.

“So, you like it?”

Miranda nodded quickly and giggled happily. It was a very nice gift indeed. Perfect for her. She loved it so much, especially because she was a sucker for jewelry.  Hayden stepped out of the window, closing it behind him before hugging Miranda tightly. His arms fit perfectly around her, and he was the perfect height for kisses on the forehead.

“Of course I like it! I love it!” She exclaimed.

“I’m glad.”

He said before kissing her forehead again. With a laugh, Hayden picked Miranda up and spun her around before setting her down and gently kissing her lips. This was their first kiss together. He smiled, blushing softly.

Comments & reviews · 5
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deleted8
Review
deleted8 wrote a review Review · Mar 20, 2020

i really love the fact you have them meet in the same lace hayden confessed her love for her its really sweet.
this chapter is really sweet and cute.
reading this make my heart hurt but in a good way.
i think it was really sweet when you had him hug her from behind.
i glade miranda and him are still together after a year.
it throw my by surprise when you write its their first kiss.
im happy that they kiss where they first stared to date.
i cant wait to read more.

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ap17
Comment
ap17 commented Comment · Nov 27, 2019

Hi, I thought this short and sweet chapter was really cute. I love how you put thought into having them meet at the same place Hayden confessed his feelings for the first time. Going from just reading the first chapter to this it was really nice to see the progression in their relationship and I hope you continue to highlight to progression. I love the creative idea of having Hayden surprise Miranda from behind by the classroom window, that's something I never would have suspected just as Miranda didn't.

I feel like the last paragraph could maybe use a little rewording just so it is a little less awkward.

" This was their first kiss together."

I feel like this sentence is at a bit of an awkward place and if you maybe rewrote it an put it at the beginning something like. "They hadn't had their first kiss, which is all Hayden could think about as he held Miranda in his arms." just so the story has a bit more flow to it.

Also I don't really know how to do the quote thing other people have in there review so I kinda just copied and pasted the quote. Anyways I really like it, and I can't wait to continue reading!

User avatar
ap17
Review
ap17 wrote a review Review · Nov 27, 2019

Hi, I thought this short and sweet chapter was really cute. I love how you put thought into having them meet at the same place Hayden confessed his feelings for the first time. Going from just reading the first chapter to this it was really nice to see the progression in their relationship and I hope you continue to highlight to progression. I love the creative idea of having Hayden surprise Miranda from behind by the classroom window, that's something I never would have suspected just as Miranda didn't.

I feel like the last paragraph could maybe use a little rewording just so it is a little less awkward.

" This was their first kiss together."

I feel like this sentence is at a bit of an awkward place and if you maybe rewrote it an put it at the beginning something like. "They hadn't had their first kiss, which is all Hayden could think about as he held Miranda in his arms." just so the story has a bit more flow to it.

Also I don't really know how to do the quote thing other people have in there review so I kinda just copied and pasted the quote. Anyways I really like it, and I can't wait to continue reading!

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4revgreen
Review
4revgreen wrote a review Review · Oct 23, 2019

Hey there, Che here for a quick review :-)

I would just like to make some criticisms of the first paragraph to begin with :-)

Hayden had asked Miranda to meet him out behind the school after the last bell rang, after school hours. So, she did. When she went there, there was nobody there. There was nothing there. It was the same scene that was there any other day. She was confused and came to the conclusion that Hayden wasn’t there yet. She leaned against the wall, beside the window of a nearby classroom, and waited for Hayden. She gasped when she felt somebody hug her from behind and turned around to see Hayden hugging her, leaning out from the window of a classroom. He chuckled and held out a small box to her.


So, in my opinion, this could be worded so much better. You start a lot of sentences with "She" and you say the name "Hayden" a lot which can get repetitive and boring. You also used many declarative sentences- simple statements rather than describing the actions. It would make the opening so much better if you wrote detailed descriptions, and include emotions, because otherwise this is a very bland opening when it has the potential to be so much better!

Another criticism I have is that this is only the second part of the story, yet you seem to have dropped us straight into the middle of the relationship when they weren't dating in the first half. I would have liked a little more explanation and exploration of their relationship :-)

Otherwise, this is a very sweet chapter which I enjoyed to read and will look out for the next part :-)

Keep writing!

-Che :-)

Ok, thank you so much for the review! I'll be sure to put more details into the story.

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WinnyWriter
Review
WinnyWriter wrote a review Review · Oct 22, 2019

Nice continuation of your first chapter. I'm starting to wonder what the main point of this story is going to be, as I can't see how that many chapters could be written on little romantic moments. I feel like Miranda is a few-word person, and I'm not recalling any time before now that she's actually talked. More dialogue would be nice.
Hope you enjoy your further writing!

Thanks! I'm planning on developing Miranda's character in the next few chapters, 'cause she's going to move the story along later.



As my artist’s statement explains, my work is utterly incomprehensible and is therefore full of deep significance.
— Calvin