The Return of the White Flame 2 (an exerpt)

This is part two. To view part 1, click here: viewtopic.php?t=81809

Spoiler! :

I need help on pacing the action, please help me on this.

“What is it Tash?” Urich asked, standing up.

“There’s something on the…” as if on cue there was a horrendous screech as metal ground against rack. Someone screamed for everyone to run. Tash felt as if the world had slowed, but he knew everything was moving incredibly fast. His eyes widened as the entire dome slid downwards; then, it was clear of the ceiling and crashing toward the floor. Tash took off at a sprint but it was too late. The dome hit the floor. It was too thick to shatter, and only the bottom layer of panes cracked. Tash found himself trapped within a cage of glass. He ran to the curved and kicked it, hard. He banged his fist up against the side and yelled for someone to help. What am I doing? He thought. Tash stopped; there was no reason to panic. He watched what was happening outside the dome. It was chaos as everyone scrambled to reach the exit.

“Over here! Help me out of this!” He yelled as they passed the dome. Someone stopped. It was the lady. She placed her hands on the glass and yelled something he could not hear. She was pulled away by someone else, though, and Tash did not see her again.

The murky green lights of the room gave him just enough to see inside the dome. There was no one else inside. Tash carefully examined the walls of his cage. Something had shredded the metal seams at the bottom where the dome had originally been connected to the roof. A large shard of the iron work had peeled partly off at one section. Tash grabbed it and yanked it from the glass. The metal was slightly warm, something had heated it. There was now a short gap between the panes where the seam had once been, and the exposed glass glinted sharply. Tash used the strip of metal to pry away another seam, this time meeting with little success. He paused for a moment and at once noted the silence. He peered out into the room. It was empty. Tash had been so absorbed in his work that he hadn’t noticed when all the others had left.

Suddenly, something heavy slammed down on top of the dome, causing the weakened section to give way. The dome crushed down on the bottom layer of panes, and shards of glass skidded on the floor all around him. Tash glanced up and his stomach sank. For what he saw was the belly of a dark, reptilian creature. They had found him. But how so quickly? Tash thought. The dragon streamed fire onto the dome, and the viscid flames poured over the sides. Tash shielded his eyes from the wall of bright light. The flames stopped and the dragon’s claws clicked against the glass as it crawled over the top of the dome. He bent his ugly head down and stared at Tash, a cruel grin revealing two jagged rows of teeth. His black eyes glittered in the green light, and Tash glared up at him. The dragon reared up and shot down flames again, this time it only paused briefly to breath, and so the flames were nearly continuous. The temperature inside began to grow higher. The flames would not stop. Tash panicked. Urich had warned him not to use his fire under any circumstance: they couldn’t afford discovery. But now he had already been discovered. Tash lit flames in both hands. It had been so long since he had held fire, too long. Tash was about to slash at the glass when the dragon’s flames subsided. He clenched his fists, quickly extinguishing the fames. There was still the chance that they had no idea who he was, that it was just chance that he had been caught beneath the falling dome, and Tash wasn’t about to reveal his identity. The dragon slid over the side of the glass and onto the floor. He smugly curled his tail around him and stared down at his trapped prey. Tash yelled at him and ran up to the glass. He banged his fist on it and immediately wished he hadn’t. The glass was still hot from the barrage of fire, and it burned him instantly. Tash stifled a scream and clutched his hand beneath his vest. He quickly healed the burned flesh. The dragon was watching him intently, and that’s when Tash noticed a man approaching them.

Urich watched with pleasure as Tash’s face lit up, clearly expecting a rescue. The expression changed to that of confusion as he stopped at Azarus’ side.

“Well done, I’m sure your master will be pleased.” He said to the dragon.

“And what consssern iss it to you, traitor?” Azarus hissed. That was a good sign, hissing, it meant the beast was pleased.

“Urich, what’s happening?” the boy’s voice was muted by the glass. Urich chose to ignore him for the moment; the time for gloating would come soon enough.

“The master hass provided for your payment.”

“Good.” Urich took a step back and examined the dome. “An unusual form of capture, I must say. Highly effective, good thinking.” The dragon’s tongue flicked in and out.

“Don’t flatter me human, it wass unintentional.” Azarus snaked up the side of the dome, then back down again. “Are you sssertain thiss iss the one?” Urich smirked; a cruel grin at the corner of his mouth.

“Most certain indeed.”

Tash watched as the dragon and Urich talked. He still couldn’t believe that this was happening to him. Was I so dense? He thought angrily. He had trusted Urich, despite his misgivings, and it had trapped. He should have listened to his instincts. Tash narrowed his eyes as Urich sauntered up to the glass.

“Well, well, well. Look what Azarus has caught.” Urich spoke loud enough for him to hear. “You really should be more careful, Tash.”

“How could you do this?” Tash demanded. “You betrayed me!” His anger growing.

“I couldn’t help myself.” Urich said. “Since the moment when I discovered who you were I began planning. I searched around and found the bidder who offered the highest price for your capture. After that, it was only a matter of setting the trap. Which was rather simple in itself.” Urich began to pace. “You’re young, weak, and vulnerable. The only crime I committed was exploiting that.” Tash had heard enough.

“Who are you working for, Urich?”

“Myself. They say money is its own reward.” His reply had been much too quick, he was lying. Urich turned to the dragon. “Wouldn’t you agree Azarus?”

“I sssay you’re both imbesssilesss.” Azarus’ impatience was clear from his tone. Tash leaned closer to the glass. He was buying time.

“Tell me what you’re doing here.” He said. Urich laughed. “My, my, you’re certainly demanding today.” He came nearer, his face now inches away from Tash’s. “What am I doing here? I should think the answer would be obvious. I’m collecting my prize.” He pulled something out from the folds of his heavy cloak. “Oh by the way, do you recognize this?” he held up a circular pendant dangling from a thin silver chain. Tash immediately noticed the delicate, four point star in the center.

“Urich you snake!” he kicked the glass and pounded on it with his fists. Urich backed away.

“Azarus, he’s all yours.”

“How can you just walk away? Come back here!”

“Goodbye, Tash. Enjoy the trip.” With that, Urich turned and walked away. Tash threw himself up against the glass.

“What have you done?” he screamed. Urich threw his head back and laughed. It was a harsh, taunting sound; and it enraged Tash. He stared at Urich’s back, his vision blurring with rage. He stepped back from the side of the dome and pushed out with both hands. The sudden, explosive blast hit the wall in a huge burst of white fire. The dome lit up with brilliant, bright light. Urich stopped and gaped. The entire room was illuminated with that one blast.

Tash held the fire as long as he could, but it only lasted a few seconds. But it had been enough. The intensity of the heat had shattered the dome, and Tash had ducked behind the high back of one of the chairs. He tried to calm his breathing. He felt as though he were being suffocated. The fire had been too much for him to hold, and it had taken all his strength. Urich was berating Azarus for his carelessness. The dragon replied with a spurt of orange flame... The two then fell silent. Tash tried to hold his breath. He listened intently. The dragon’s scales rasped clicked as he moved over the stone, and his shadow danced eerily on the wall. Tash could imagine his tongue flicking in and out, searching for the scent of human sweat. Tash had to find a way out of here. He waited for one terrible moment as the dragon began checking behind the chairs. Then, with a tense start, Tash crouched and ran into the shadows behind a thick pillar. He stood and pressed his back against the rounded stone. His heart was thumping in his chest and Tash took deep, slow breaths, trying to calm it. The dragon had stopped. Fully aware that his prey had moved. It became dead silent. Azarus had moved out of the light, and now there were no hints of the beast’s movements to aid Tash. He waited. Dreading the moment in which he would be forced to move. That’s when he caught movement from the edge of his vision. Tash turned slowly, eyes wide. Azarus head snaked around the next pillar down from him, to the left. Tash started to inch around to the other side. As soon as he moved the dragon’s head snapped in his direction. A sudden burst hit the other side of Tash’s pillar, flames curled around the sides. Tash ran. He ducked behind another pillar, a stream of fire on his heels.

“It is over; I will burn you, pitiful human!” The flames stopped as Azarus talked. “Come out, so I can sssee you.” Tash ran and vaulted over one of the chairs. The air grew hot behind him as he dodged from chair to chair. The dragon crashed through into the center of the floor. Tash leaped back over behind the shelter of the stone as more fire came his way. He sprinted down the hall, slipping as he tried to gain traction on the smooth floor. There was a whistling sound directly behind him. He dropped to his stomach and slid just as a stream of fire slit the air inches above him. Tash quickly rolled to his feet and continued running. He reached the flight of steps which led to the doors and took them two at a time. Tash slammed into the doors and tried to pull them open. They wouldn’t budge. It was a sickening feeling, especially since he knew who had locked them. Azarus skidded down the hall towards him. Urich. Tash thought as he leaped over the side of the stairs. The dragon was unable to turn and he hit the door. He screeched as he tried to untangle himself. Tash raced towards the other side of the room, using the pillars as cover. Azarus, however, was finished chasing him. He poured flames onto the ground in front of him, fanned the fire with his wings, then slammed down. The fire was pushed forward in a wave. Tash felt the hot air rushing toward him. He leaped, twisted around in mid air, and parted the oncoming flames with his own. The wave of fire split, and passed harmlessly to either side of him. Tash landed on his back and scrabbled backward. Azarus was on him in a flash. He reared up, towering above him, and drew in a whistling breath. Tash reacted instantly, pushing up with all his might. Azarus screamed and writhed: the flames had caught him full in the face. Tash sprinted away and Azarus blindly streamed fire after him.

Part 3: post869761.html#p869761

Comments & reviews · 2
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User avatar
TabbyGirl
Review

Tuh-wist! I like it!

Again, I'll start with nitpicks...

as if on cue there was a horrendous screech as metal ground against rack.


Rack? I think you meant to say "rock".

He ran to the curved and kicked it, hard.


"curve" not "curved".

Was I so dense? He thought angrily. He had trusted Urich, despite his misgivings, and it had trapped.


I think you should add "him" to the end of him to this sentance, because right now it just kind of... ends.

Much less nitpicks this time! Great job XD

I think you did a pretty good job with this part... it was so full of action, I understand why you were referring to part one as "boring" now! I enjoyed it, especially the parts about Azarus, I think you depicted him really well. And Urich betraying Tash was a nice touch...

I noticed that you wrote something about Tash having missgivings about Urich before his betrayal... the thing is, in part one it didn't seem like that... maybe you could add something in part one, you know, foreshadowing? Or whatever...

I'm pressed for time, so I'll make sure to give my all to part three's review :)

until then

--
Tabby

User avatar
IcyFlame
Review

Hey there! I'm here to review :)
First off I'd like to suggest that you layout your story in a way that's more asthetically pleasing (big words :O ) What I mean is try pressing the 'story' button down there *points*
Anyway, onto the nitpicks!

EloquentDragon wrote:Someone screamed for everyone to run. Tash felt as if the world had slowed, but he knew everything was moving incredibly fast. His eyes widened as the entire dome slid downwards; then, it was clear of the ceiling and crashing toward the floor. Tash took off at a sprint but it was too late. The dome hit the floor. It was too thick to shatter, and only the bottom layer of panes cracked. Tash found himself trapped within a cage of glass. He ran to the curved and kicked it, hard. He banged his fist up against the side and yelled for someone to help. What am I doing? He thought. Tash stopped; there was no reason to panic. He watched what was happening outside the dome. It was chaos as everyone scrambled to reach the exit.

This is all very fast, as you said. My suggestion would be that you attempt to describe more of her feelings at this point. Is she firghtened? Questioning what will happen to the others? Add in her thoughts at certain points and hopefully that should slow the action down for you.

The other little points I have are typos, and I'm sure you'll check those when you come to edit anyway. As for the action, the ideas are good but they just need reigning in a little so that you can give us more of a picture of what is happening.
Kepp writing!



So, please, oh please, we beg, we pray, go throw your TV set away, and in its place you can install a lovely bookcase on the wall.
— Roald Dahl