Tash was growing bored of the council meeting. It was mainly the elder members who spoke, and when they did their subject was always the same; diplomacy. Their seeming disregard for Tash’s message frustrated him, and they were no where near the point of reaching a decision.
Urich sat in the chair next to him, chin propped pensively on his fist. He was completely absorbed in what the others were saying.
“News like this could upset the delicate balance between our cultures.” A grayed haired man drolled on. “If we joined forces it could result in a most unfavorable position. We cannot ally, and we must certainly allow no knowledge of this affair to reach the common people.” He was replied with hot tempered voices calling for military force and public knowledge. Tash sighed. The same conversation had been brought up again and again; the only difference between each time was the choice of words. The talk was growing old. Why couldn’t these people agree on something so simple?
Tash crossed his arms and slumped in his seat. Urich had explained to him who all the members were, but Tash had long ago forgotten. Except for the young spokeswoman from Tialeh; she too, was intent on the speaker. Tash averted his gaze when she suddenly glanced in his direction. He looked around innocently but caught a disapproving glare from Urich. Tash shifted uncomfortably and sat up straight. Why did whoever build this place make these things out of stone? He wondered. It was becoming increasingly difficult to sit still in one place. He would have paid better attention if he was actually allowed to take part in the meeting, but Urich had warned him not to say anything: it would be a “violation of protocol” or some such nonsense. Besides, the council was not fond of newcomers.
The current speaker finally finished and took his seat. The members quietly discussed what had been presented them with their close counterparts. Tash had enough. He stood abruptly, and the council members muttered with displeasure.
“Tash…” Urich warned.
“Please Urich,” an elder said, “Tell your guest to restrain his excitement.” Someone chuckled.
“You don’t understand.” Tash said hotly. “You’ve been saying the same thing all day. Every one of you!”
“Please, we don’t have time for this.” The elder said with a wave of his hand.
“No, we don’t have time for men like you.” Tash strode defiantly to the center of the floor amidst loud protests and shocked murmurs.
“A war is on your boundaries. Right now, men are fighting and dying to protect your land.” The council fell silent at his words. “They’re giving up everything for you, and all you can do is sit here and discuss how to “present the current crisis?” You cowards! In truth, you’re just avoiding the obvious: you can either fight or run, there is no alternative.”
“You forgot,” a man with a high pitched voice said, “About surrender.” Others agreed with him.
“Surrender?” Tash asked incredulously. “Are you being serious? I have seen face to face what this army is capable of. If you surrender you will be made slaves in your own land and killed. There is no surrender in the face of evil, and there is no compromise.” Tash looked around at the faces of the council. “You either join us, or hinder us.” he said. No one moved.
“Surely this youth has spoken plainly.” The chairman stood and glided down to the center of the floor. He turned to address the council. “It appears that, at last, you must all make a decision.” He pulled out from the folds of his blue cloak a red stone, and a green stone. “For those who wish to fight…” he tossed the red stone unto the floor. “And for those who will run…” the green stone rolled when it landed. “Choose wisely, my friends.” The chairman nodded at Tash, then went back to his seat. Tash pulled out the grey pebble that Urich had given him and threw it down on the red stone.
“May this be to Eloria’s glory.” He said.
Tash watched in fascination as the members silently made their vote. Some tossed to the green stone, the weaker provinces, the ones with little to guard, or those without a strong army. But most tossed to the red stone. Soon there was a little pile of smooth, grey stones next to the red one. Tash was worried at first that they wouldn’t remember how each had voted, but he saw the secretary fervently scratching away and was satisfied. The towering warrior from Beluse shook his hand and thanked him for telling those “old dogs a piece of real steel.” The lady from Tialeh cast her stone to the red, which surprised Tash. She gave him a sad smile and he wondered how many countries would not be returning to the council. The members seemed more at ease now, and they talked quietly among themselves. There still remained the issue of funding and alliances, and now the council would be turned into a sort of market. Ship harbors would be traded for border protection, horses would be traded for weapons, fighting forces would be given in exchange for war machines, and so on.
The chairman called the council back to order and Tash tried his best to pay attention to what was going on. He soon found that he had little skill for keeping track of what was being traded for what, however, and leaned back in his seat. Urich seemed troubled about something, and Tash decided he would ask him what was wrong as soon as he had the chance. He had noticed that Urich had cast to the green stone.
Tash closed his eyes and leaned his head against the back of the chair. He was sure Urich wouldn’t approve, but he chose to ignore the glares he was sure were coming towards his direction…
Something had shaken the floor. Tash sat up straighter and listened. There it was again. A dull, heavy thud which deeply reverberated in the marble floor. Tash opened his eyes. None of the others had noticed it, and cold feel of apprehension began to claw at the back of his mind. The dull thump came once more, and this time Tash determined its source. He glanced up at the domed skylight of the ceiling, but could see nothing for the darkness of the night outside. As he watched closely, there was a brief, dim glow of red light. Tash became rigid. The glow came again, and this time he caught the shadowy movement of some indistinguishable figure. He stood up to get a better look.
“…and as for Meede, we have a strong defensive barrier but little force for attacking, Terrence can use some of our land as a base for operations…”
“Something’s out there.” Tash said urgently.
“Well yes,” the man who had been speaking replied, “there is a marsh in the area I’m offering but it is easily avoided and I think it could serve as its own defense.” Some laughed at the man’s comment. The glow on the roof had stopped. Tash ran to the center of the floor to catch a better look.
Part 2: viewtopic.php?t=81883
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Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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Leave the nitpicking to me!
You could change this sentence up a couple of ways, but right now it doesn't sound right... I would either change it to, "A man with grayed hair drolled on." or, "A gray haired man drolled on."
Two things.
First thing: Ally? I don't think it's a verb... I assume you mean "We cannot make an alliance," if not, I don't know what you meant :/
Second thing: He was replied to, or something more like that.
Just a little thing: "built" not "build". Also, I don't think this was italicized, but it should be, as it's a direct thought.
Between "presented" and "them" there should be the word "to". Also, it should be "Tash had had enough." (It's kind of awkward using the same word twice, I know, but it's okay in cases like this)
This is just a little thing: The quotation marks should encompass the whole quote, like this: He thanked him for "telling those old dogs a piece of real steel."
There may have been others, but not too many I think...
Anywho...
You say boring, but I liked it... well, the setting, the characters... I admit, I didn't get some of the stuff that happened, but, I wouldn't say boring is the right word... it wasn't what I would describe as "gripping" but I think the main reason for that is, your overall writing style could use more imagery and descriptions and stuff... I found myself wondering things like: How old are these people? and, how big is the council room? My point is, if you think it's boring, change it up! Make it as enticing as you can with what you have.
I felt this weird change in atmosphere when the stone throwing began. I mean, I get it, the chairman sort of... I don't know, had an epiphany? That's fine, but I think that the council members should be kind of like... shocked. They just went along with it, and it seemed like kind of a big deal, so... yeah...
Onto part two!
--
Tabby
Hi,
Instead of starting with 'something' in this paragraph just try saying... "The floor vibrated slightly."Well I am going to let someone else do the nit picking on this one. (I did not see anything to major.)
Your story sounds like it has potential but it need polishing.
As you said this piece is a bit boring and did not really grab me. Also your descriptions need some improvement.
Random example:
The reason behind this is you give the reader more of a 'in the room' feeling.
If I may let me ask you a question, you said you based this off a dream yes? If that is so then when you are writing write what you felt not what you saw.
Example (VERY RANDOM!):
You dream about swimming in a pool. What is the first thing that comes to mind? Probably...WET? The next thing might be.... the temperature of the water hot/cold? Then the color of the water? Etc... My point is feeling comes before description.
So to give you another example from your story....(I will give you two.)
This one is a simple example. Try..... "“No, we don’t have time for men like you.” Tash defiantly strode to the center of the floor amidst loud protests and shocked murmurs. Subtle change right? (I could just be being particular. Feel free to Pm me about my insane reviewing!)
This example is a little more in depth.
(For the sake of example I am going to change your sentence structure. Please don't think I am being rude. This is your story and you need to write it however you see fit. Write for yourself not for your readers!)
Try... “You forgot about surrender.” a man said in high pitched tone. Some of the others agreed with him.
Alright, if you have any questions about what I said here just pm me. Question, how did the others agree with him?
Summery:
Try filling out your descriptions. (I noticed your characters are not described. This is not a bad thing it makes people think. Just make sure you like it that way.)
You seem to be writing from an outsiders point of view. That is fine just remember it can be harder to get emotional connection doing it that way.
I love your names!
Interesting plot, even if it is a bit boring so far. (I do, however, want to know what the glow is all about!)
Keep writing,
~FW~
Pm me if you have any questions or comments & I hope I did not seem to harsh.
~FW~