The Return of the White Flame 3 (an exerpt)

Hey! I'm rooh and I will be your reviewer today..

First things first, I've read all the three parts and they are very good. The way you've described each character is great.
The plot of the story is strong and exciting, it's fresh and new, while reading it leaves the reader curious on what is going to happen next. I like the characters and their personalities. Take for instance Urich, when I read the first part I couldn't even imagine that he would turn out to be the bad guy and in the end he'll take over both Tash and Azarus and walk away. It's great that you've got such an exciting ending and it's so very unexpected that it keeps the reader curious till the end.
Now Tash, I like how you've introduced him, with his thoughts and actions which are like any other young boy; fighting for himself and bringing in new ideas. Tash (by-the-way, love the name Tash. How did you come up with it anyway??) is unsure himself in the starting and then he's fighting and he discovers his real strength.
Anyway, I won't bore with a summary of your own imagination.
For the very few mistakes that you made, I just think that you should break up the paragraphs in small ones, it really gets confusing after a point of time. I don't think you have this problem with the previous two parts. Anyway, just on concentrate on keeping the content easy and open (couldn't think of any other words).
Have you thought about transforming it into a novel or something. I would love to read a full version of your dream!!!
Keep writing..

But there was nowhere to run. Tash reached the other side of the room and found himself faced with another locked door. Azarus had recovered and was already on top of him. The dragon shot a ball of flames and Tash blocked the onslaught with a shield of his own. It had been far too long since he had fought like this. He was weak, untrained, and quickly tiring. His enemies’ blows grew more viscous#FF0000 ">; he couldn’t continue to fight head on like this. Tash needed another approach, but all his options were few, and any chances he might have had for escape were rapidly shrinking. Azarus drew back and spewed flames en masse. Tash dodged the flames and found himself beneath the dragon’s belly. He punched upwards. The streak of fire pushed Azarus back. Tash ran ahead of the ensuing blasts. He carefully formed two strands of very thin, very hot fire, one in each fist and dashed between two of the pillars. He sliced through the thick stone and darted out of the way. Azarus was just in time. The pillars crumbled, burying the dragon in heavy debris.

#0000FF ">Here seems like a good place to break up the paragraph. It's too long otherwise.

Tash sank to the floor, half surprised that the “fire strands” had worked. It had been an effective tactic, but he was exhausted. Tash knew that he would not be able to hold fire for quite some time, not until his strength returned. Five times. He thought grimly. I only used fire five times. Tash panted heavily, #FF0000 ">his eyes falling on the gash in his leg. #0000FF ">The way that you had it made the sentence awkward. I think that this way it seems more fluid and goes better with the rest of the paragraph He drew his finger along the edge of the wound and gasped. Glass. A shard must have hit him when the dome had shattered. By now, after all his running, the piece would be deeply embedded within the flesh. Tash struggled to his feet, feeling light headed. Why was it that an injury only started to hurt once you noticed it? Tash limped back toward the door. He had barely taken a few steps when the pile behind him heaved upward. He stopped and stood silent as a wing broke though. The rest of the dragon’s body soon followed. Azarus lifted his bloodied head and immediately spotted Tash.

“You no longer run#FF0000 ">. #0000FF ">Again, breaking up the sentence due to fluidity Have you tired so sssoon, human?” The dragon spat. #FF0000 ">As he drew back, Tash watched in an almost ethereal like state as the dragon spit out a stream of fire.

The flames came toward him. There was no time to move, no time to react. The flames seared into his shoulder and chest. If he screamed he did not know it. The only thing which registered was the sudden pain. He was falling; this much he was aware of. The floor came up to meet him, hard and cold. The blast had been brief, extinguishing soon after hitting him, but he knew the burn was deep. He couldn’t move. He could barely breathe. There was only pain. Tash saw red on the floor. Was it his blood? The dragon was hovering over him, his lips stretched in that permanent grin. Tash was not cold. He could not grasp any sense of time. There was only pain. Soon, his vision began to blur. Two black dots hovered before his eyes. They grew into a tunnel which slowly swallowed up the remains of his shrinking world. He remembered the blackness, the pain#FF0000 ">.

Then there was nothing.


Urich watched with grim satisfaction as the dragon clenched Tash’s unmoving body in his teeth and flung it across the room. It slapped the rock wall and fell to the floor. That’s going to leave quite a few marks. Urich thought. Azarus’ head was bobbing from side to side as he stalked toward the boy’s crumpled figure. He had not fared well in the battle; the blood on his head was proof of that. Urich had been impressed with Tash’s skill. The fight had been so intense that is had forced him to take shelter behind the protection of a protruding ledge. Tash had tried his best, but there wasn’t much he could do after the poison had entered is veins. Urich wondered if the boy had even felt the needle when it pierced his skin. He slipped out from his hiding place and crept toward the dragon, a quill like pin carefully held between finger and thumb. The amount of Vexvane concealed in its tip would prove fatal to any human, but it would simply render a beast of Azarus’ size unconscious for a few hours. Urich smiled as he pictured the council guard’s surprise when #FF0000 ">they found a sleeping dragon amidst the remains of the room.

Azarus, on his part, was not doing well. Urich could see that his injuries were causing him sore grief. He stumbled back and forth, unable to find a straight path. Urich smiled. This was going to be a #FF0000 ">marvellously simple matter. A large chunk of fallen pillar blocked him from the dragon’s sight. Urich nimbly scaled up its side. From here he had a clear view, and a close range, of his target. Urich checked his aim, and a second later the needle was sticking out of a chink in the dragon’s neck scales#FF0000 ">. Azarus stopped and wavered from side to side. Another step, two perhaps, and then with something between a sigh and a groan the heavy beast sagged. He landed with a dull thud. The dragon had been much easier than Tash. Urich had been frustrated at the boy’s difficulty. It had taken careful positioning and fast thinking to hit him when he did: right after the pillars had fallen on the dragon. He had refused to go down right away, like most were supposed to, even possessing the ability to move. Urich surmised that he must have miscalculated and administered a weaker dosage than usual. He stepped around the hulking mass of the sleeping beast. Azarus had been lying. He served no master; he was just another bounty hunter out for the prize. The dragon had almost spoiled everything when he had captured Tash. Fortunately, Urich had been able to mold the circumstances to fit his purpose. Urich had higher motivations than Azarus, and so he had more of a reason for winning. So he had won.

Urich glided over to where Tash had fallen. He looked pitiful, lying there with the side of his bloodied face pressed against the floor. Urich kicked him over onto his back. He had sustained two very nasty looking injuries: The burn on his shoulder and a swelling gash on his leg. Both looked serious, but upon closer inspection Urich found that he would be able to repair most of the damage if he treated him as soon as possible. Urich pulled out a peculiar set of hand cuffs. He snapped the globes shut over Tash’s hands. The cases had been crafted out of Contrite stone, a substance which contracted under heat#FF0000 "> and Urich proceeded to tie Tash’s wrists together. He picked him up and slung him over his back. Urich effortlessly carried his prisoner over to where moonlight streamed in through the hole in the ceiling. The clouds had cleared and it afforded Urich with a clear view. It also meant that he could be easily spotted, so speed was of upmost importance. Urich pulled out the grappling hook which he kept tucked away in his boot and slung it high over head. He was rewarded with a grating sound as the metal caught on stone. Moving quickly, Urich steadily pulled both bodies up the gently swaying rope. He reached the ceiling and climbed onto the roof. The grappling hook was quickly extracted, and with one last smirk down at Azarus#FF0000 ">, Urich ran over the side of the roof and hurled himself off into the air. They soon vanished into the night.



This is a very good story. I like it a lot and praise you on a good story with fairly consistent plot and structure. Other than a few things that I thought that you could fix, I really had no problem with the story. Keep up the good work!

You have really long paragraphs. You need to break them up more so it's easier to read.