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Oooooh! I do like this one better! It's got more substance. Wonderful rhythm and the meaning's great too.
The only thing I'm not sure about is why for the majority of the poem you refer to the sun in familiar (tu and such) and then in the second-to-last line, you refer to it in the formal (su). That's the only mistake I see in it. Great poem!
Keep writing!
-Tgirly
not incorrect. "Su" means "your." "Tuyo" can also be used, but the two are often exchanged in usage.
Oh yeah! You're right; my mistake. The poem's perfect then.
Interesting premise Dragon, I'm glad you presented most users with the alternative version English. Thankfully my own Spanish hasn't deteriorated so I could tackle this poem fairly well with limited mistakes in comprehension.
Firstly, there's a contrast between these two different versions of the poem in the speed and rapidity in which one can deliver it. Now...how much can we always expect that and cope for it? Not much. We would be hard pressed to deliver the same feeling across two languages. But, you see, this is where you premise, your aim falls. The charm in Spanish is its rolling speed, its fluid nature as its being spoken. The English version of this poem lacks all of that.
Your language while...affectionate to the sun, is dry. It's far too concerned with what the sun is doing, with what the sun. What is the sun to me, the reader? Why do I, the reader, honestly care about your sun? Consider this when you write in the future. If you write a poem, it's not about you and your object, but you, the world, the reader and how all of these work together.
LOL, so now I'm a native Spanish speaker, what next....
First off, thanks for the translation! It really helped a lot. I went back and read your piece- the Spanish part- as a whole, and it seemed to speak more lovingly in a different language than in English. I like the fact you used Spanish, since that's a lot different than the other poems around here- obviously. It's good to branch out and use different methods to express yourself, which you went above and beyond to do. This speaks to those lonely and left to wonder whether their beloved will return spiritually to them- or that's the assumption I got. Thanks for sharing, and I hope you keep writing.
~Panda;;
Hi: I liked this poem. It was sweet. I didn't have to rely on the spoiler, and since my spanish is pretty basic, that's probably a bad thing. That's just it. The poem was basic. It was nice. But certainly did it pack no punch. Next time, spice up your writing with fluent imagery and vivid description. Aswell, writing in spanish may have been a bit of a turn-off for some of the other readers. I'm sure you wrote this in your native tongue, and true, more can be expressed that way from the heart, but do put English first, and the spanish as an extra. Just my opinion. Well done, and, gramtically, no errors.
Well done!
~ Amelia