Into the Depths - Chapter II

I'm doing these very slowly. Possibly in the vain hope that when I reach the third chapter there'll be more up. ^^

So, yes, the review:

I didn't pick up on any English/American words. Aside from the "realised" covered by Demeter.

But I picked up on other stuff.

Nitpicks:

29 July

29th July.

I awoke to a terrific dream

Really? I thought it would be sad, painful, when I read about the dream. Losing her mother all over again... Remembering what she looked like when she died...

The grandfather clock by the door told me that it was 9:00 am, an hour before my first lesson began.

I get what you mean. In the dream it was nine, but when she actually woke up it was half eight. I see... X]

I learned things like music, how to run a household, embroidery, sewing, and how to dress and play cards. I also learned how to host parties. Father said that these skills would help me become a strong wife, when I married. They were somewhat dull, very repetitive. Father was pushing Helena and I to get married, angry that we were both seventeen and still single, when most English women got married when they were Isabelle's age (fifteen) or younger. I figure that I will be able to actually put these skills into use soon, considering Father will probably be ever the more desperate to marry me off after last night's incident.

This seems really random, and it slows the chapter down. Couldn't you hint about it subtly throughout the piece rather than grouping all of this <irrelevant> information together?

I also learned how to host parties.

When it's got its own line, it makes me feel this piece of information is important. Is is?

Father was pushing Helena and I to get married

I'm very unsure about this, but should it be "Helena and me"? I was told that to figure out which one it should be, I should remove "*person's name* and". Urm, let's explain this better...
Take out "Helena and" in the above quote.
And you get "Father was pushing I to get married".
Obviously this is wrong. "I" should be "me". :]
When you put "Helena and" back in the sentence it should read: "Father was pushing Helena and me to get married."
~
Also. It's kinda ambiguous. Is he pushing M (it's shorter) and Helena to marry each other? Obviously not, but that double meaning is there nonetheless.

However, As I pulled aside the lace canopy curtain on my four-poster bed, I could see an empty breakfast table.

Don't need the capital "A" on "as".
Would she have spotted it when she looked to check the time?

"Are you okay?"

Why "are you okay"? Would her mother call her name or something? It sounds a little random... Although if she was searching for her invisible breakfast then it would make a little more sense. Yet wouldn't it be phrased differently? Like "alright" instead of "okay" or whatever. O.o

The words sent a shock through my spine

Normally it's "through my body". This sounds peculiar.
A suggestion is...
: The words sent a shock sweeping down my spine

She did not look a day older than the thirty-two years she had lived.

Possibly quite awkward.

Dead? Lets not worry about that right now.

Typo. ^^ "Lets" should be "let's".

She would read my sister and I stories,

My sister and me?

because she was different from the rest of my family.

How? Just add another sentence or something giving us an idea how she was different.

"Yes." I agreed

Typo, seeing as you've got it nailed on other sections.
: "Yes," I agreed.

She's nothing like you'll ever be. . .

Isn't the mother dead? She has no future if she is. At least, not an ordinary one. So it should be past tense 'cause the woman's dead.
: She's nothing like you ever were...

"Sshh..." She cooed.

'Nother typo.
: "Sshh..." she cooed.

Mummy, please, buy me a pastry, I'm hungry.

How random.
I suppose it's sort of linked, 'cause that's what she would do if she were alive. BUT the woman's dead. If a ghost of a loved one came to me, my stomach would be the last thing I'd be thinking of.

and my mother dissapered into the expanse.

Spelling mistake.
: disappeared.

Plot:
I don't see how this is helping move the story along. Maybe if her mother were to come to her with a "message" or something, then it would be okay. All I can think of at the moment is that it renews her feeling of loss for her mother, causing her to think of/do something. O.o ?

Overall:
It was quite good. I loved the end to the chapter, where you described her mother's death/leaving. Poor Maddy! Even though I don't know much about her mother, I understand that it must be painful to see her once more and then lose her again.

Very good. X]

Expect my review of the next one somewhat soon!

~EmmaJane

Alrighty, Elinor. Sorry to have made you wait.

This morning, I awoke to a terrific dream. During it, I did not realize it was one, because I seemed to awake in my bedroom.

This whole bit needs some clarifying in my opinion. The MC wakes from a dream, and doesn't realise it is a dream because she's in her bedroom? I'm having a hard time getting it. Also, you do mean the dream was nice, don't you? Because "terrific" and "terrible" are different things, whereas "horrific" and "horrible" are not, or at least that's how I see it. Terrific = good, terrible = bad.

8:35 AM
---
The grandfather clock by the door told me that it was 9:00 am, an hour before my first lesson began.

This I don't understand. She wrote the entry at 8.35, but woke up at 9? And it's supposed to be the same day, since it says "this morning".

Father was pushing Helena and I to get married, angry that we were both seventeen and still single, when most English women got married when they were Isabelle's age (fifteen) or younger.

I take this is happening in the old times? The language makes it seem so, at least most of the time – because if this is indeed placed in the 19th century/something similar, I don't think they would use the word "single". At least, to me it sounds too modern.

I haven't read the first chapter, so I don't know what's been happening and who's been introduced, but since I don't know who Isabelle is, and it doesn't become clear during this chapter, I suggest you just scratch the "Isabelle's age" and leave the fifteen or younger there. This way the sentence also becomes shorter and perhaps less jumbly.

Lying in bed for a little bit, I realized that I was hungry.

Ah! Another thing I noticed – since the setting is English, you should probably use the British spellings? Thus, "realize" --> "realise" and so on.


Well! That's enough nitpicks, I believe. For the whole chapter, and most likely the whole story, I would suggest careful reading and re-reading before you post. Your grammar is fine, but there are quite a lot of places where the word order makes the sentence hard to understand or just awkward, and it's a lot easier to spot these places if you read this many times, and also out loud.

Was the ending part of her dream? If it was, it sort of makes sense and I like how it technically ends to the beginning of the chapter, where she wakes up. But if it's not, the chapter might have been a bit all over the place. I don't know – I would probably have different opinions if I had read the first part.

I hope this helped!


Demeter
x

ThornedRose wrote: This morning, I awoke to a terrific dream. During it, I did not realize it was one, because I seemed to awake in my bedroom. The grandfather clock by the door told me that it was 9:00 am, an hour before my first lesson began.

Pretty good first line but after that things get slightly sketchy for me. The second line doesn't flow very well for me. Maybe try something like: 'It was one of those dreams where you're not sure if you're really awake or asleep.' And then with the third line, is the grandfather clock part of the dream or is it reality? It's kind of confusing because you said you woke up from a dream but then you're explaining that the dream was super realistic. Do you get what I mean?

ThornedRose wrote: I learned things like music, how to run a household, embroidery, sewing, and how to dress and play cards. I also learned how to host parties.

I would combine these sentences. Hosting parties doesn't seem that important that it should get it's very own line.

ThornedRose wrote:Father was pushing Helena and I to get married, angry that we were both seventeen and still single, when most English women got married when they were Isabelle's age (fifteen) or younger.

I would break this sentence up a little or put in some different punctuation.
Example One: 'Father was pushing Helena and I to get married. He was angry....still single, an age that most English were already married.'
Example Two: 'Father was....to get married and he was angry....and still single, because we were at the age that most English women got married.'
The Isabelle thing confuses me. None of that flowed very well for me or made much sense. I don't know. I haven' read the first chapter so maybe that has something to do with it.

ThornedRose wrote: She did not look a day older than the thirty-two years she had lived. It seemed as though she was younger, even though she had been dead for five years.

This sounded awkward to me. The 'thirty-two years she had lived' sounded kind of forced to me.

ThornedRose wrote: I told Isabelle things that made her broke ((brake)) your china

ThornedRose wrote: "I have to go, Madeleine."

Wait. Didn't the mom say she wanted to spend time with her daughter? Why is she just leaving?

Good last paragraph.

Characters:
I don't really feel like I know any of your characters, but in your defense, this is the 2nd chapter, I haven't read the first so this is my very first encounter with them. I want to know more about Isabelle. She's fifteen and married?

Plot/Overall:
It's kind of intriguing so far. Again, I didn't read the first chapter so some of my plot questions would probably be answered by that chapter. Anywho, the only big thing is I have on plot with this chapter is, is her encounter with her mom that vivid dream she talked about or was that reality? Because you mentioned the vivid dream but you also mentioned her waking up from the dream so I'm not sure whats dream and what isn't.
I like your writing style and the overall tone of the piece. Nice job.

-Carly

Hi, Thorn. You get my first review on the new site!

By the way, I luvvv your signature quote. How true.

This morning, I awoke to a terrific dream. During it, I did not realize it was one, because I seemed to awake in my bedroom.

This is a little confusing, because a person usually doesn't awake to a dream. Dreams happen while you're asleep, after all. I understand what you're getting at, however. I'd suggest using showing instead of telling. First tell about the narrator waking up to a normal day . . . and then seeing her mother, and noticing how dream-like the surroundings seem, etc.

I learned things like music, how to run a household, embroidery, sewing, and how to dress and play cards. I also learned how to host parties. Father said that these skills would help me become a strong wife, when I married. They were somewhat dull, very repetitive. Father was pushing Helena and I to get married, angry that we were both seventeen and still single, when most English women got married when they were Isabelle's age (fifteen) or younger. I figure that I will be able to actually put these skills into use soon, considering Father will probably be ever the more desperate to marry me off after last night's incident.

INFODUMP. Right now, I don't want to know about what Madeline's learning how to do or how her father wants her to get married or anything else. I want to know about her dream. Save all this for later.

However, As I pulled aside the lace canopy curtain on my four-poster bed, I could see an empty breakfast table.

"As" shouldn't be capitalized.

deep, jade-green eyes shone like emeralds.

"Emerald" is an awfully tired old metaphor for green eyes. Everyone uses it. It's also a very glaring sign of a Mary-sue. Why can't someone have pale green eyes, or just plain old green eyes? I'm not saying Madeline's mother can't have bright green eyes, but try describing them in a differant way.

She had to be.

I don't really see the need for this sentence. "She was my mother" works better on its own.

Lets not worry about that right now.

Should be "let's."

said I.

This is really . . . I dunno. A plain, modest "I said" works way better. "Said I" just distracts from the rest of the prose.

For a split second, my mind returned to the moment of her death. I saw a pair of green eyes loose their colour, and my mother dissapered into the expanse.

I really like this ending.

Overall . . . I think this is better written than before. Good job revising. I'm still a little unsure about the diary format. It's limiting, that's for sure, and I'm not sure if it compliments your story that well. Personally I would suggest third person, since there are so many characters all contributing to the action later on, but it's your call.

Anyway, keep up the good work. It's a long slog, I know, this writing a novel, but I can't tell you how good it feels to be done.

Keep writing!

-Hawks-