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Summary of Chapter 1
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They rode far and they rode slow. They wanted to make the most of every moment, for they had a lot to talk about and catch up on, but they each were also trying to watch the time so that Sarah wouldn't fret if she finished lunch and the two still hadn't shown up. They weren't too concerned – after all, the servant was with them, and both Madeleine and Helena knew that he wouldn't let them stay out too late.
For the first part of the ride, neither spoke, taking everything that there was to be seen on the trail that they each had took many times before. It was mid-August, and although the weather was usually devilishly hot around this time, today was cool and breezy. They circled through the premises of their estate a few times before finally heading down the massive green hill that separated their estate from the rest from the rest of Port Royal. As they were heading down the hill, Madeleine spoke.
“Have you thought about any names for the baby?”
Helena shrugged. “I don't know,” she said. “It depends on whether the child is male or female, and what George thinks. However, I would love either Martha or Jane for a girl. Maybe Samuel for a boy.” She shifted her gaze to a nearby palm tree, and then back toward Madeleine. “Of course, George will want to name the child after him or father should it a boy.”
“Is Harris—err, George excited?” Madeleine blushed a little. As she did not know him well, she had been used to calling her sister's husband by his last name, but now that she was with Helena,
Helena paused for a moment before answering, her eyes downward, toward her stomach. “I think so,” she said quietly. “He'll want a boy, someone who can follow in his footsteps.” Again, she looked down at her stomach. “Father would like that too.”
Madeleine tugged on her reins slightly so that Alice would slow down. “What do you mean?”
Helena narrowed her eyes. “Isn't it obvious? Father had you and me,” she whispered. “Two daughters, but never a son. Never someone who he could teach what's he learned in the navy to, never someone who could actually go somewhere in their life.”
“Helena, you know father loves us.”
“I'm not saying he doesn't,” Helena said, “but isn't it obvious that he always wanted a son, not a daughter?”
“What's gotten into you?”
Helena's voice was starting to rise now. “Nothing's gotten into me, Madeleine. I'm perfectly calm. I'm just trying to say--”
“Never mind,” Madeleine whispered. She could feel her eyes shifting away from her sister, and she felt confused. Why had Helena raised her voice like that? Madeleine had said nothing offensive, nothing that could harm her. Instead of dwelling on it too much, Madeleine decided to change the subject. “Helena, how does feel to be out riding again?”
Helena smiled, her eyes beaming as if nothing had happened. “Oh, it's wonderful,” she said quietly. “It's really, really wonderful. It feels so free out here, so open, you know?”
Madeleine gave off a weak smile. She could tell that her sister was about something, but she didn't know exactly what. “I'm glad you enjoy it. I haven't been on this trail since you've left. Didn't we go the night before your wedding?”
“We did.”
“Then it's been six months,” Madeleine said. “Six months since I've really been riding. I mean, I've taken Alice around the premises of our home a few times. But it's not the same when I'm riding with you, on this trail.”
Helena laughed. “That's very flattering,” she said. “Have you taken out Snow at all? I don't mind if you do! Spending all of his days in a stable--”
“Don't worry, I've taken him out.”
“That's good,” Helena said, smiling.
By this time, their horses had come to a denser, more wooded area. The two exchanged glances and smiled. They were getting closer to the beach, which was their mutual favorite part of the trail.
“Has father tried to marry you off yet?” Helena asked.
“Some,” Madeleine whispered. “He was absolutely mad about it a few months ago. Now I think he's somewhat settled down.”
“That's good,” Helena said. “You're only seventeen. You should still have some time before you have to worry about going and getting married.”
“A lot of people do when they're seventeen,” Madeleine said. “Younger, even. You know that, Helena.”She ended her sentence with a slight laugh.
“Do you want to get married?”
Madeleine froze. It had caught her somewhat off-guard; she hadn't been expecting it and thus didn't know how to respond. In her lifetime, she'd never thought about it, really. To her it had seemed to be something was required in life to be a woman and by getting married she would complete her journey from child to adult. However, she'd not thought about it in the sense as to whether she had wanted it or not. If she was of lower class and could marry whom she chose—for love—it was possible that she would have a different opinion. She had read many tales of romance, but she knew that it was unlikely that it would happen to her, that she could marry the man she loved (if she ever did fall in love). Her father would choose her suitor, so it was possible that he could find someone she liked. Maybe then she would want to marry, but it could easily go the other way.
“It depends,” Madeleine said simply. She could feel her throat closing up and her cheeks becoming red. “Do you like being married, Helena?” She instantly regretted saying it. The question had been her mind since she had asked her sister about the baby names and she had responded in somewhat of a harsh manner. She could feel her face flushed with embarrassment. and in waiting for Helena's reply she kept her eyes sorely concentrated on Alice's dark mane.
To her surprise and relief, Helena was not upset. She was not joyous, but her eyes were distant; she seemed to be elsewhere. “That's a difficult question to answer, Madeleine,” she said. “I like George, yes. He's kind and very caring and I know that he will be a good father. At the same time, I miss being so carefree, being so innocent. I miss my lessons, and I miss spending time with you. Since I've been back home, it's like nothing's changed.” Madeleine didn't catch the last sentence. She started to ask Helena what she had said, but then decided against it.
They rode on in silence for a little while longer, and Madeleine soon became aware that Helena was trailing behind her.
“Are you coming?”
Helena shrugged and tugged absentmindedly at her horse's reign. “He isn't going. I don't know why.” She craned her neck downward so her face was level with that of her horse and she began speaking to him in a soft tone. “Is everything alright?”
Snow whinnied softly but refused to move.
Madeleine sighed. All of the sudden, her horse stopped too. She tried a similar approach that Helena had, but Alice wouldn't move. For a brief moment, she shared a confused look with her sister.
It was then that the servant, who was starting to catch up with the girls, spoke. “Perhaps they're tired. Maybe we can take a rest when we get to the beach.” Madeleine was initially alarmed by his voice as he had been quiet for the whole trail and she had forgotten that he was with them.
Madeleine and Helena both nodded; it was a good idea. By this time, they could see the palm trees of the beach of the distance. Helena dismounted Snow and grabbed her horses reins. Madeleine did the same.
“We can walk them the rest of the way,” Helena told her sister. “I suppose there will be a tree we can find and tie their reins to and we can walk along the shoreline. That would be fun.”
“Yes,” Madeleine said. The two proceeded along the remainder of the wooded area, edging their horses on slowly but steadily. “Come on, Al,” Madeleine would whisper to her horse in the special gentle voice she used when talking to her. “It's not far and then you'll get to rest for a while.”
Just as the ground they were walking on turned from mud and fallen sticks to sand, hot and sticky, the servant caught up with them. He too had dismounted his force and was leading it by the reigns. “If I may, I will take your horses for you and find a place where they can rest and will not get away. You two may do what you wish on the beach for a while, but we will have to start back soon.”
They nodded and handed the reigns of their horses to the servant and walked toward the vast blue ocean, where the waves were gently curling back and forth. Madeleine smiled as an idea crossed her head. “Let's take off our shoes and we can feel the water at our feet.”
Helena frowned. “I don't think that would be--”
“Who says?”
Helena gave off a weak laugh and bent down, kicking her shoes off her feet. Madeleine smiled and did the same.
So for a while they walked along the edge of the water, their feet cool, refreshed. They talked and laughed and informed each other about what they had been doing for the past six months. For a minute or so, she had almost forgotten that her sister had ever left. As they walked, they could see the docks looming ahead, just beyond the leaves of a few coconut trees. Despite that they were far, they seemed massive, busy; and they were.
It was then that they noticed a figure walking along the beach. He was a young man, no more than twenty, and by his simple clothes they could tell that he was a merchant. He was carrying a bundle of packages, and appeared to be struggling with them.
“I think he's heading toward the docks,” Madeleine said, pointing to them. They were fairly close by now. “He looks like he needs help.”
“He will be fine,” Helena said quietly. “Besides, I think we need to be getting back.”
“It won't be a minute. If you don't want to help him, that's fine. I'm going to, though.”
When she said this, they noticed the man trip. He dropped the packages and their contents, wood planks, scattered all across the ground. He took a deep breath and frantically tried to start picking them.
Helena sighed. She started to say something but instead simply began walking back toward the servant and their horses. “I'll wait for you,” she whispered.
Madeleine approached the man and started to pick up the wood planks. “Are you alright, sir?”
“I'm fine,” he said, clearly embarrassed. Madeleine noticed that he had a thick Irish accent. “I'm just carrying these packages over to the dock to meet a carpenter who is a friend of mine. I'm a silversmith, and so we help each other with various tasks because we do not have apprentices.”
“Do you want me to help you carry these packages, sir?”
He obviously wanted help, but Madeleine guessed he was humiliated. “Miss, I'll be fine carrying these the rest of the way. I don't have that far to go.”
“Are you sure?”
“Well--”
Madeleine smiled and began putting the planks in the boxes – there were four in all – and sanding them off. “I'll just take one of them.”
“Alright,” he said, blushing as finished putting the wood planks in the boxes. He took the other three boxes and they began to walk. “Thank you for this help, Miss, I do appreciate it.”
“You're very welcome.”
They didn't talk until they started to come into full range of the docks, when he finally asked what her name was.
“Madeleine,” she said. “Madeleine Grey.”
“Grey?” He seemed surprised. “Is Admiral Edward Grey--”
“Yes,” Madeleine said, “Edward Grey is my father.”
“He was decorated by King George I, wasn't he?”
“Yes, and Queen Anne as well.” Madeleine started to laugh.
“Well,” he said, “Madeleine, daughter of the revered Admiral Grey, I consider it an honor you are helping me with my boxes.”
Madeleine didn't know what to say; she let out a small smile.
“Well, err the reason I ask,” he said. “I met your father a week ago. He ordered some candle holders from me. I don't know if he told this to you or not, but they're almost finished. I'll be bringing them by your home soon, so I suppose our paths will across again.”
“I suppose so,” Madeleine said. They approached the docks, and Madeleine saw someone wave toward to the man.
“I think I can take it from here,” he said, “Thank you.”
“It was my pleasure,” Madeleine said.
They waved to each other, and Madeleine began to race back toward Helena and their horses. It was about time, she figured, to be getting home.
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter Into the Depths. 3 *Edited*Points:
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140,600 Literary Works • 673,549 Reviews
*Isn't three weeks late* ... *cough*
Okay, yeah, I am three weeks late. It turns out that I didn't put this on my reading list, therefore, because of my lack of brain cells, I forgot about it. If I don't respond to a request after five days, please remind me, Ellie. Otherwise, like in this case, I won't get to it until another three weeks.
I'm definitely glad you did remind of this because after reading over this edited version, I can confidently say that it was much better than the original. Really well done, Ellie. You seem to be able to edit things really well, where I, on the other hand, epically fail at editing things. I can definitely see that you've taken previous reviewers advice into account, then edited this with their help. One thing I'm really glad you've done is make the fact that Madeleine goes off to see Mr. Irish is more believable now. That was the main problem I had really, so it's nice to see that you've fixed that now.
The only remaining issue I really have now is that, at times, your dialogue doesn't seem completely natural and realistic. I've mentioned this a bit in previous critiques, I think, but now that you've fixed the other issues I had with this chapter, I think the problems with the dialogue are standing out to me more. I feel horribly useless here because I've already gone through the whole dialogue critique thing before. I don't want to repeat things I've already said, not really. The thing is that I don't have anything else to say...
After making you wait three weeks, this review is pretty pathetic... God, I'm sorry. I promise I'll make it up to you for the next review you request from me. Basically, I really like this edited version of chapter two. *Likes* Sorry for the hundredth time that this is late, and also horribly short and useless...
Keep writing,
xoxo Skins
Hey El!
). Lastly, if Madeleine really is that naive, then perhaps Helena would have a more condescending tone when talking to her? Just a suggestion, it would seem natural between sisters.
For me, this chapter was a lot better than the first. You can really see that you've got into your stride a little bit more here, so the writing has taken off and everything flows in a much more natural way. What you need to do is transfer this easiness that you have with the story into your first chapter so it doesn't feel so frantic and full of narrative trying to explain everything to the reader.
Your continuity seems off here. You say they ride slowly because they have so much to talk about, yet they don't talk for the first half of the ride! It's really not that big of a deal, but in general it's best that you try to follow up on the rules you set yourself, as it were.
Something that would be really nice in this chapter is a little more scenery described. You say a lot about where they're going, but it's devilishly hard to imagine because we're only told that they're 'circling the estate', but no descriptions about the estate! However, if you do decide to add this in then I'd recommend making it personal to Madeleine, so she only describes what she loves about the estate/beach etc. It would be a nice touch.
When their conversation takes an awkward turn, I feel like Madeleine's reactions aren't quite realistic. I don't connect with her confusion, because she only tells us that she's confused. It's the same old story over and over again - you err on the side of telling which doesn't help. Also, it feels like she's way to naive for her age, and surely her confusion should be tempered with a little more curiosity rather than just an immediate need to change the subject? If you keep that, then give her a reason for doing so like 'she didn't want Helena to get upset and harm the baby' (but don't use that one
When they take their shoes off, it would be so lovely if for a second they acted like children. This is just me and my wishful thinking, though - there's nothing actually wrong with what you've written. xD
With the meeting between her and the man, I don't think he needs to specify 'I think our paths with cross again'. The rest was lovely, because you stuck to dialogue and it sounded natural, but that bit was slightly contrived. Would someone really say that? Maybe something like 'I hope they will', but then that sounds too cheesy! I don't know, really, your choice.
Apart from that, it was a great read. Let me know when you post up other chapters (unless they're already up) and I'll review them for you!
-Amy
This has been edited with the suggestions taken into account -- new feedback would be much appreciated!
Finally here. ^^" Comments and corrections in red.
Okay! Final impressions:
After thinking about it for a while, I realized that it took a tremendous amount of effort for me to get through this chapter. Why? Because it lacked conflict. There wasn't anything to hold my interest. What little conflict was presented was lackluster and not all that great -I could smell the resolution coming from a while away. (That might be because I've read previous drafts, though.)
I like to think of each chapter as a small novel in itself - each chapter must have its own conflict, even if it's just a small one. Or maybe, if you'd rather divide chapters differently, think of the novel as a mountain, but not a perfect cone-shaped one - it's skewed towards the right, and so it takes some time to reach the peak, but the decline is fairly steep. Along the way, there should be little bumps on the mountain side - small conflicts that pepper the novel all throughout. These first two chapters are fairly weak in that they present nothing compelling that draws the reader's curiosity. Nothing makes us want to stay.
Maybe the dreams work on other readers. I don't know. oo I'll speak for myself and a few others, though, when I say they drove me off more than anything else did.
This chapter is completely filled with Helena and Madeleine's relationship, and it's quite standard. There aren't any little quirks or splatters of color on it that make it seem real. No little squabbles, and their teasing is very forced. You're going to have to work on character dynamics.
Also, so far, Helena is quite flat, as is Madeleine. You've spent so many words on describing needless actions when they could have been used to portray the characters doing something that'll add dimension to their characters. Try taking out a lot of what happened. Anything that isn't relevant to keeping the reader interested/building conflict/the plot ought to be scrapped/character development. The reader doesn't need to know what she had for breakfast, for example, but I'd keep it because it provides insight to Sarah's character. (By the way, Sarah is my favorite character so far. ^^)
Work on your dialogue and your description as well. Your dialogue is incredibly forced and stilted, and paragraphs of descriptions burst sporadically throughout your piece. Try to keep the description well spread-out and even. As for the dialogue, listen to conversations and try to say the lines out loud after writing them down. I understand this is a historical and they might speak strangely, but the flow of their dialogue (what they talk about and such) seems scripted, so work on that as well.
Also, I still can't see the plot, and this is already the second chapter. I usually want to have a whiff of it by the first, sooo hurry up, all right?
Do understand that history was never my strongest subject, and that a lot of stuff I pointed out up there might not really be right, and you might be the one in the right. But remember to fact-check, 'kay? These are just my two cents. I'm sorry it took me so long to get to it. I hope you found this helpful!
-Octave
Hey, Ellie! I'm here to review, I apologize for taking so long to get to it but I kept having little things pop up here and there.
Anyway, it seems that skins has basically gotten to the main nitpicks that there were so I won't go and repeat them. However, there are a few things that I noticed in this chapter that I'd like to talk about. Firstly, maybe it's just me but the relationship between the sisters seem so great and wonderful that it seems almost fake at times. Perhaps you could insert some little tension or some sort of disagreement between them on anything, like which color clothes look better to make them seem a little more realistic. Even if it's this time period I feel like you can't always get along like clouds and sunshine, you know what I mean?
Your writing was great as usual, no grammatical errors or anything much of that sort which was great. I did notice a few parts where you seemed to do some tiny bits of info dumping such as the scene with the horse background but I didn't think it was much so don't pay too much attention to it, I suppose.
On the bright side, this chapter is very much less 'telly' and a little more 'showy' than the previous one which is great. The dialogue was wonderful too. You seem to have captured the taste of the era and it's interesting to see how formally you've written this.
Wow, that was an epically short and unhelpful review. I apologize for that. It seems that I don't have much to comment on. Your story is moving a steady pace but not slow enough for me to feel bored, which is sort of calming. I agree with Freak (Skins) on the talking to the stranger guy. Anyway, besides that, I did enjoy reading what you had.
Good job,
-Shear
Heya, Ellie.
I have to say that this version is certainly better, in my opinion. I can see that you took some of the reviewers advice when it came to Madeline's relationship with the Irish man being too fast. The way she's met him this time is far better than the time before. It doesn't seem as creepy that they'll meet up again now. xD
I'm seeing the connection between your old version of Into the Depths and this recent version now. The Irish guy and the candle holders.
One issue that I had with this was a really minor one, but I will bring it up anyway. I don't know if it's just me looking into things in too much detail, but I found the sister's attitudes towards love a bit odd. During the period this is supposed to be set in, people didn't marry for love. You clearly know that, but their attitudes toward love used to also be different. Now, I'm not expert at all, so try not to take this critique as though I know exactly what I'm talking about because I don't really. I'm just basing this on what I've heard and have been taught.
What I'd suggest is that you keep it so that Alison does dream about falling in love, but have the "realistic" part of her mind tell her that she's being silly and that there is no such thing as love. Have her tell herself that it only happens in children's stories or something. It could be a nice touch to her personality. In the end, I didn't live back then, so I wouldn't know exactly how people thought and felt, but I think that the sister's attitudes towards love are a bit off. I don't think I'm making much sense here...
It's kind of like a hundred years ago, a majority of people thought the idea of being gay was absurd. The main reason for that was because they'd been brought up to simply think that way. Another one being because you just didn't see it happening often. The same goes for the idea of love in this time period. You just didn't see it often enough to believe that it existed. So, I'd like for you to keep Madeline dreaming of falling in love, but make her "logical" mind talk her out of it or something. I'll shut up about this now... I've blabbered enough as it is!
What wicked said about this was right. By pulling on reins, you're ordering a horse to stop. Helena wants Snow to keep on going, so by pulling back on the rains, she'd be telling the horse to do the opposite. I used to go horse riding, so that's how I know this. Who knew my horse riding experience would come in handy?
The main issue with this chapter for me is the scene where Helena leaves Madeline to meet up with the Irish guy. It just seemed... weird? Would Helena really leave her sister to talk to some stranger neither of them know? Especially considering she's Madeline's older sister. Surely, she'd be protective over her? Madeline told Helena to leave, and she did. It was as simple as that. Do you see how this seems a little odd? Helena didn't even consider the fact that the man could have been anyone, from a friend to some crazed murderer.
Maybe you could have both of the girls notice, and Madeline ask Helena if they should help. Then you could have the servant call Helena over for whatever reason. Helena tells Madeline that she's just going to see what the servant wants, and that she'll be back in a minute. Madeline then goes to help the Irish guy, maybe without her sister's permission. Then when Helena returns, she can be a bit angry at Madeline for talking to a man she didn't know. Something like that.
A little mistake here.
I'm enjoying this so far, Ellie, so yay! I'm a fan of pirates, oceans and stuff, so I like where this could be heading. From what I've read so far, this is a pretty original novel. The SB you made a while back was based on this, wasn't it? I remember the ship's name being the same as the one in this. I liked that SB. I wish it hadn't died. xD
Keep writing,
xoxo Skins
Spoiler
Alright, so, I have one technical thing with this.
Okay, A)
In horse back riding, tugging on the reigns is a sign that you want to stop. If the horse isn't moving, tugging on reigns will just make a hose mad and hard mouthed. You should change the to a gentle kick or a spur
Overall-It was good, but not exactly my type of story.
~WickedWonder