Click here to join the fan page for Into the Depths.
This chapter is the first installment in my completed NaNo novel, the idea of which I've had for quite some time. This is the first completed draft, and it has been lightly edited. Harsh critiques are appreciated! Enjoy.
---
In the unearthly hours of the morning, when dawn was still hours from breaking, Madeleine Grey awoke to indistinct noises coming from the ground floor. Almost instantly after her eyes had cracked open, the noises began to fade and she came to the lazy conclusion that she was hearing things and shut them close, sinking her head backward into her pillow. However, as she lay there, she found herself not being able to drift back into sleep. As the minutes ticked by, Madeleine remained awake, the dark and shadowy space of her bedroom becoming clearer as her eyes adjusted to the darkness.
Lying in bed, she thought about reading to pass the time. However, she didn't want to go through the trouble of lighting a candle. So she laid there for several more minutes before she slowly crawled out of bed, and sat in her velvet armchair that was by the windows, which were slightly open. From the chair, she had a clear view of the middle of the ceiling, where a silver and crystal chandelier loomed. Madeleine remembered back to when she was fourteen and had just arrived in Port Royal after a long and grueling three month journey from England. On the first day the house, she, her sister, and her father were searching through the various rooms and looking for where the bedrooms were to go. She had seen the chandelier and had instantly admired it.
Madeleine sighed. For some reason, the memory comforted her. For several more minutes, which seemed like hours, she sat in the chair and stared emptily up at the chandelier. That was when she began to hear the noises which had woken her up again. Madeleine frowned, leaning forward somewhat in hopes of hearing what exactly was going on. At first, she could not, so she tried as best as possible to ignore them. When this failed, Madeleine got up and left her room, standing just outside the door. The noises were louder now, and Madeleine came to realize that they were voices. She recognized those of Sarah, the housekeeper, and her father. There was another voice which she could not place. Madeleine did not know what they were discussing, but their voices were urgent, raspy, as if they were arguing over something. Her heart began to race. She was curious and wanted to go downstairs to figure out what was going on, but she knew that it would not be safe or proper to intrude on their conversation.
That was when she heard Sarah softly speaking to someone else. At this point in time, however, she had realized how tired she was and her thoughts began to turn to her bed. If it concerned her, she would find out in the morning. Right now, she wanted to rest.
Madeleine went back into her bedroom. By the time she her head had hit her pillow, she was already slipping back into sleep. The night was once again peaceful.
In her dream, Madeleine was riding in a carriage made of glass. There was no window or door. It was dawn; the sky was an easel of orange and red and pink. There was no driver of the carriage; it was being pulled by a single black horse that Madeleine had never seen before. At first, these observations did not concern Madeleine; it was a beautiful morning, rather calm. In addition, she realized where she was; just outside of the premises of her old estate back in England. She had not been here in three years and thus was thrilled to ride through where she used to live once more.
However, things quickly started to become disorienting. For one, Madeleine noticed the horse was starting to grow progressively faster. At first, he had been at a slow walk. Then, he started to canter. This grew into a gallop within minutes, and soon he was going so fast that Madeleine could barely keep her surroundings straight.
She could, however, make out the lake which was looming in the distance. The water was almost black and seemed to stretch across the whole horizon. Madeleine's heart began to race as she soon became aware that the horse was heading right toward the lake.
Because there was no door or no window, there was nothing she could do. She tried screaming at the horse, but to no avail. Madeleine realized that her heart was racing even faster and that her stomach felt weak, as if she was about to vomit. There would be no escape from the carriage; she would plummet into the sea, right with her horse and carriage.
She tried to calm herself, tried to tell herself that this was not the end, that perhaps there was a way out, away she could break the glass. Going at this speed, she would most definitely be injured, but at least it would be better then death.
Eying her surroundings, Madeleine again noticed the sky. It had seemed so beautiful to her before, but now she wanted to vomit. As she looked down, she almost fainted when she saw a familiar face pressed against the wall of the carriage.
Her cream-blonde hair seemed almost straw-like, and her ice-blue eyes were glassy and filled with worry.
“Helena?” Madeleine said, nearly screaming. But Helena didn't seem to hear her.
“Help me, sister.” she said, “Help me. Please let me in.”
Now, Madeleine vomited. She hated herself, hated that she could not let her sister in, help her. But didn't she know that Madeleine was heading into the lake, which was not a safe direction?
“It is not safe,” she said. Again, her sister did not hear her. She tried screaming louder. “It is not safe!”
Madeleine turned forward, unable to look at her sister. The lake was approaching quickly. Madeleine held her breath. There was nothing she could do.
A giant wave sent the two plummeting down into the water. Deeper and deeper they went before the glass spontaneously shattered. Water floated in, filling the carriage. Madeleine wished she knew how to swim.
For what minutes she lie there, trapped in the broken carriage. Just before she blacked out, her sister's lifeless body floated into her arms.
Madeleine awoke with a shock; she was breathing heavily and there was a a band of sweat across her forehead. It was late. She didn't know what time it was, but she knew from the blinding sunlight which her curtains just barely shielded and the way her arms and legs were sore that she had arisen well past when she usually awoke. She sat there ominously, unable to erase the grisly and rather vivid details of the dream from her mind. It was only a dream, yet still Madeleine did not feel at ease. She wished she could see her sister, talk to her, confirm that she was okay.
Madeleine sat up in her bed and outstretched her arms, yawning. The grandfather clock beside her door said that it was eleven. Although today was Saturday and she had no lessons, Madeleine wondered why Sarah let her sleep so long. On a usual Saturday, she was woken up at nine-thirty and not allowed to sleep into the afternoon.
That was when there was a knock at the door.
“Miss Madeleine? It's Sarah.”
“Come in.”
Sarah was smiling and carrying a silver tray. As she came closer, Madeleine saw that it contained glazed jelly buns—her favorite breakfast treat. There were three of them. Her eyes widened and she could feel her mouth water. Sarah laughed and placed the tray on the side table next to her bed.
“Eat quickly,” Sarah said. “There is a surprise downstairs.”
“What sort of a surprise?” Madeleine grabbed the tray and ate the first one greedily.
“You will see,” Sarah replied. “Please, eat quickly. When you get dressed, put on something nice. I will be out in the stables; I believe Snow and Alice need to be groomed. You can come and get me if you need anything. Leave the tray on the desk. I will get it later.”
As Sarah left, she finished the other two, slowly and lazily arising from her bed. She went to her wardrobe, just beside her velvet armchair, and began to look for a nice dress to wear. The only one she immediately thought of was her black and silver one, but then she decided that it would not be proper. She wore the dress at funerals, which she attended frequently with her sister and father. He was a Vice Admiral in the Royal Navy and thus was expected to attend the funerals of those who had died with a name for themselves within the ranks. Madeleine looked through her dresses for a few minutes more before finally finding something that she thought would be appropriate. It was light blue, like the sky, with a rosy pink lace trimming and a bodice of the same pink color. Madeleine did not remember when or where she had gotten it, but it was on her favorites. She seldom wore the dress as not to soil it, but still, she thought it might be nice to wear it today.
Within five minutes she was dressed. She left her bedroom and headed down the long and rather empty hallway of the second floor. Soon, she came to the marble staircase which separated the two stories of her home; it always kept shining and polished. Madeleine scurried down it, nearly freezing with fright when she came to the bottom. Just at the left edge, a familiar person was standing, her smile wide. Her cream-blonde tresses, which mirrored Madeleine's, were full, clean; they hung loose over her face.
“Helena?” For a moment or two, Madeleine gazed, awestruck, into the eyes of her sister. The irises were a light, ice blue, not unlike her own. Last December, Admiral Grey had decided that because Helena was nineteen that it was high time she married. He had found what he considered to be the perfect match for her. His name Captain George Harris, and he was recently widowed. Very handsome, he had shown bravery and promise in the navy. He introduced Captain Harris to Helena at the end of the month, and in mid-February they were married. The wedding had been the last that Madeleine had seen of her sister; with her marriage she had moved to Kingston, a city a few miles inland that was forty minutes away by carriage. That was nearly six months ago. The two had tried to arrange a time to meet, either for Helena to visit for dinner with her husband or for Madeleine and Admiral Grey to come to Kingston. It never worked out, however, due to busy schedules on both sides. Nevertheless, the two sisters still wrote to each other, but this was nothing compared to seeing her in person.
“Hi,” Helena said, her voice thin. Her smile grew wider, and she stepped forward, hugging Madeleine tightly. “I've missed you a lot.”
“I can't believe it's been six months,” Madeleine said, continuing to hug her sister tightly.
“Why didn't you tell us you were coming?”During the hug, Madeleine couldn't stop thinking about the dream, about her lifeless body floating into her arms. It gave her chills, especially thinking about her earlier wish about seeing Helena.
“I couldn't, really,” Helena said, her face becoming pale. “Let's go into the parlor and we can talk about it. I was in there, sewing.”
Madeleine nodded and followed her sister across the hall, to the parlor. It was a large, rather empty room with a dark color scheme; the couches and chairs were a navy blue with legs made of a dark wood; the outer edge of the fireplace on the middle wall was constructed of the same dark wood. The curtains were black, as was the carpet.
Helena motioned the couch nearest the fireplace. It was not running; it rarely was. Madeleine guessed that they had used the fireplace five or six times in the three years that they had been there. It wasn't because it was difficult for their servants to get wood. Rather, In England Madeleine and Helena enjoyed curling up by the fire on cold winter nights; in Port Royal it was hot and the sun was out all year long.
As they sat down on the couch, Madeleine's eye caught a small cloth lying on it, a rich ivory color. Beside it, a needle and thread lay, as well a small wooden box with various colors of thread.
“What are you making?” Madeleine asked.
Helena picked it up and smiled. “It's a blanket.”
“For what?”
Helena froze for a moment or two, and her mouth widened into a smile. “I didn't tell you yet, did I?”
“What?”
She paused a minute before answering. She kept smiling, and her rose-petal cheeks grew deeper in color. “Madeleine,”Helena said in a loud whisper. “I'm pregnant.”
Madeleine smiled, leaning forward to hug her sister tightly. “Oh, Helena, congratulations! That's wonderful,” she said. “Do you know when--”
“Sometime in March or April. I'm not exactly sure. I found out two nights ago.”
“Congratulations,” Madeleine repeated. “Does father--”
“Yes, father knows,” Helena sighed, turning again to her blanket and picking it up. “To answer your question, this is for the baby.” She placed it down again and eyed her box of thread. “I know that I will want to add some sort of a pattern later. I'm not quite sure exactly what, though. I do not want to include a feminine pattern and have the child turn out to be male.”
Madeleine did not know what to say. For a few moments they simply sat on the couch, staring at the empty fireplace. Then, Helena turned to Madeleine, her eyes wide and bright.
“Do you think Sarah will let us ride our horses before lunch? I haven't had the chance to see Snow yet—I was going to wait until I was with you to do that. I hope she hasn't forgotten who I am. Have you taken good care of her?”
“I have,” Madeleine said quietly. Snow was Helena's horse that their father had gotten her for her seventeenth birthday. Madeleine had gotten her horse, for her birthday that year as well. However, when she had married, she had moved to a much smaller house –there was no room for horses. So Snow had stayed in the care of the Grey family.
Helena smiled. “Let's go on the trail that goes to the beach, the one we always used to take.”
“Of course,” Madeleine said. “I think Sarah's out grooming our horses now. Let's ask her if we can go.”
“It sounds wonderful,” Helena said. “I hope I haven't forgotten how to ride.”
When they got out to the stables, Sarah was just about finished. She had said that it would be fine as long as they didn't stay out for more then two hours – she would fix lunch while they were gone. For their safety, a servant who worked in the gardens (Madeleine didn't know his name) was to go with them.
Upon seeing Helena, Snow had become ecstatic, whinnying furiously and nudging his head against Helena's shoulder. Madeleine watched this with a smile on her face. “I think he missed you.”
“Yes, I believe so!” Helena replied, laughing.
They each saddled up their horses and held on to the reins, waiting for the servant to be ready. Within minutes he was; after he mounted his horse, Madeleine and Helena followed suit.
He told them that he would stay about three feet behind them; far enough as to respect their privacy, but close enough so that he could protect them if anything was to happen.
They pulled back on their horses reins, and soon they began to ride the trail which they had taken so often before.
First Draft:
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter Into the Depths. 2 *Edited*Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,600 Literary Works • 673,549 Reviews
I love this! I think it would help if you'd describe the main character a little more; this may be because I'm a visual person, and I like imagining the characters in my mind. I only noticed one error that really stood out:
"On the first day the house, she, her sister, and her father were searching through the various rooms and looking for where the bedrooms were to go."
Did you mean "on the first day at the house?
Hey Eli! Thanks so much for entering my contest! Here's your thanks-for-entering review!
I would cut "being" from this sentence, it's a bit superfluous.
I don't think the "lying in bed" bit is necessary, we already know she's in bed.
She was so curious about the conversation, and unable to sleep, yet now suddenly she is able to sleep again? It doesn't make much sense to me. Perhaps it would make more sense if she simply resigned herself to bed, knowing she wouldn't be able to find anything out until morning.
Again, cut superfluous language.
Superfluous.
How does one sit ominously?
It should be clarifyed here why Madeleine can't see/talk to her sister.
I think either you're missing a name for the horse and another comma, or that comma should be deleted.
Alright, sorry for the many nitpicks. Haha. But really, that's where most of the issues with this chapter rest. There are a lot of times where there is superfluous language making sentences heavy and awkward. That, coupled with how passive a lot of the sentences come off with make it more difficult to get through. The story is lovely, and an entertaining read, but it could benefit so much more from some rewording.
I'd also like to see more emotion in Madeleine. Especially during the whole dream sequence. She's facing impending death, as well as the death of her sister, yet there are few apparent emotions concerning these events. If it were happening to me, I'd be going nuts.
I really enjoyed reading this. It was a good read, and has great potential. Great job, and definitely keep writing!
Thanks again for entering my contest!
-Lauren-
Hey Elinor.
Reading through this, it was pretty dry. You use no contractions, and long sentences. The lack of contractions really stands out, because of how natural contractions have become in language. It makes the prose pretty hard to read, because of how natural they are. If the language is an attempt to indicate which period this is in, I'd find another way. Not only is it mildly inaccurate, but the way I've mostly seen language change over decades is sentence structure. You start with altering sentence structure in certain places, but they become rather difficult to read from complexity. Focus first on making the prose sound natural and legible; only after that's done can you start experimenting with period language. This extends to the dialogue, as well, which came as very stiff to me.
This language was really visible during the dream sequence. The long, formal sentences didn't lend a rushed feel to the dream at all, and it didn't affect me. The very fact it was a dream in the first place also threw me a bit. It foreshadows death, too early in the story for us to care about how/when/why it happens. Whether or not it foreshadows death is irrelevant— it's the impression that counts.
I'd suggest really ramping up the present conflict, and cutting the formality in the prose itself. Then, the work will have a reason for me to keep reading and be easier for me to read. You can keep some formality in the dialogue, for period purposes, but the prose should be as flowing as possible. Let it fade into the background.
Hope this helps. PM me if you have any questions.
~Rosey
Hey Ellie!
This opening paragraph really feels a little awkward to me. It moves along quite slowly, and the way you describe the simplest of actions makes it crawl along a little bit. In addition, you're focusing on 'telling' here, which doesn't help you particularly. 'Shut them close' is a particularly awkward word choice, and there are others you could definitely improve on. Also, how come she shuts her eyes, but they then adjust to the darkness? I'm assuming she just opened them in the meantime, but it's still a little odd and perhaps that needs putting in. I feel picky saying it, but openings are pretty important and this one could use a little TLC.
Again, moving into the second paragraph there seems to be more of the same. 'she didn't want to go through the trouble of lighting a candle' is really quite a bland phrase, and I think you need to begin to vary both your word choice and your structure in order to 'spice things up' a little more! Try using thoughts and emotions more than you are right now. Start making things more exciting from the beginning, don't wait until the story really starts! Give us a random detail about her trip to Port Royal - where she had to stumble to the side of the boat to release her dinner into the churning waters. (Sorry, just a random example - things like that really do help a story to pick up, and give the reader more of an insight into the character.)
It seems odd how we're told she's curious, yet when she actually acts on her curiosity it's 'oh, wait, I'm a little tired ...' Not that I mind particularly, just a little weird.
At the beginning of the dream, you use Madeleine's name a lot. Sorry, I'm being really, really picky here. It's just bugs me a little bit because the reader will pick up on her name, try not to batter them with it.
The dream was more interesting than the beginning of the story, but I still felt detached from it. In general, dreams are very emotive experiences, but you didn't capture that enough here. Your storytelling style is nice, but it needs to get involved more rather than narrating from a safe distance. It's not a really bad thing or anything, and does work in some parts of the story, but for a dream you should really abandon this style and just get stuck in. Don't just say 'she could barely keep her surroundings straight' - describe the landscape whizzing past, the colours blending into one another as the horse jumps beneath her. See what I'm saying?
And saying 'she realised that her heart was beating faster' really emphasises this detachment. I wouldn't point it all out, but I keep on coming across instances and I figure this story is important enough for it all to need to be perfect. You don't just go "Oh, I've realised my heart is beating faster!" - you feel it thumping in your chest, you hear the blood roaring in your ears. Only you say it in a slightly more imaginative way.
Your dialogue later on is really nice; things only begin to lose their way when you delve into a narrative about people's lives which removed the reader from the story. This needs to be incorporated in rather than simply written out into one paragraph and just placed in the middle of your story.
I did really enjoy this, even thought it may not seem like it! I've heard about Into the Depths for a while, just never got around to reviewing it, and I must say it lived up to my expectations. As I mentioned somewhere up there - this story is important, and therefore it does still need a lot of work because it's the type that should be made perfect.
I hope this helps, PM me with any questions!
Hey again, Ellie.
This review won't probably be as long as my last few because hopefully, this will have been edited really well. Like usual, if you have any questions or anything after this review, just let me know. Due to the fact I think this chapter has improved nicely, I'm not sure how long or useful this review will be. Nonetheless, I will see if I can find anything!
Like I said, this chapter has definitely improved since the last version, so well done for that. You've clearly taken into account what was suggested to you, and edited the chapter accordingly. I only had one critique for you last time, so it's not really like I can say much about this newer version... Speaking of my critique from last time, I do think that it still holds as a bit of a problem.
Don't get me wrong when I say this because it has certainly improved a lot, but I do think that there are still telling, not showing elements to this. For example, you had an entire paragraph describing how Helena had married, how Madeline hadn't seen her in a while, how Helena's husband had been widowed e.t.c. I think that's the part Ben has quoted actually. Another time where it felt a bit telly was when you had those few sentences describing how Helena couldn't take her horse with her when she moved away. Overall though, I can confidently say that I can see an improvement since last time.
The only other thing I have to mention, which I didn't mention last time, is something to the content overall. I did notice this in the original version, but didn't mention it because it didn't really bother me all that much. Basically, I found the beginning of this a bit slow moving. When you got into the dream, it was good. It was just the bit at the start that I thought was a little boring. You could even start the piece at the dream, if you wanted to. I understand that you may not want to do that because starting a novel/story with a dream is known as cliché, but hey, cliché doesn't necessarily mean bad. So long as the cliché thing is written well, I don't think there's a problem.
I wouldn't say that the beginning is a huge problem though, so try not to worry much about it. Plus, in the end, it's your novel, so it's up to do what you do with it exactly. Overall, it's lovely to see that this has improved since the original version. With a tad bit more polishing, it could be seriously great. Go, Ellie! xD
Keep writing,
xoxo Skins
*Likes*
Hey there Elinor! Here as requested.
Review:
This feels a little too formal and wordy. I would change it to something less so, such as: "Yet, laying there, she found it impossible to drift back to sleep." This is just a suggestion, but hopefully my point is clear. (:
Changing this also avoids the repetition in the following sentence of the word as.
Repetition removed, the reader is able to read fluently without the feeling of "as then this", "as then that".
Again, this word feels too formal. Nothing grammatically incorrect about "She laid there for several more minutes..."
Your sentence here feels too long, too wordy. The word from feels like you're telling us, rather that narrating to us. I'd suggest something like: "The position of the chair allowed her to have a clear view of the middle of the ceiling. From it, a silver and crystal chandelier loomed." Broke into two sentences and worded less formally.
Missed the at I believe, correct me if I'm wrong.
This doesn't sound confident enough for the narration. You're writing in third person and are the God of your own writing if you like. I feel that this sentence is a little to plastic or artificial. Why not write something as simply as: "The memory seemed to comfort her."
In grammar, choosing between the word "which" and the word "that" is relatively simple. Favourably, the word "which" should follow a comma like: Peter ate a fairy cake, which was accompanied by a cherry. However, because no comma is present in your sentence, the more favourable word choice would be "that". For example: Peter ate a fairy cake that was accompanied by a cherry. See what I mean?
You seem to use the word however quite a bit too much. Removing it from the sentence above to form: "At this point in time she had realised how tired she was..." sounds just as good, if not better, and removes the habit of the word However.
Correct syntax (order of words) here would be: "By the time she'd hit the pillow" or "By the time her head hit her pillow".
Because the clause in bold cannot stand alone, it cannot be followed by a semi-colon. In the paragraph that I picked this sentence from, you seem to be patterning your sentence types with two independent clauses broken up with a semi-colon. It works fine in the other sentences, but here the semi-colon should be removed for either a comma or a colon to be grammatically correct.
Okay, read this:
Sounds a wee bit like a recipe, no? Here's what I'd do with all those tempting prepositions:
Read them both and decide which of the two you prefer, but personally I feel that my suggestion is more fluent and cuts away all the fancy prepositions like "For one" and "At first".
Okay, so we have similar problems popping up again. Here's some synonyms for the word however:
after all, all the same, anyhow, be that as it may, but, despite, for all that, howbeit, in spite of, nonetheless, notwithstanding, on the other hand, per contra, though, withal, without regard to, yet (http://www.thesaurus.com)
I'd suggest: "All the same, she could make out the lake that was looming in the distance."
Bare in mind your repetition of the adjective: loom
Okay, there's enough nit-picks, because they're only grammar things. Here's my opinion on other points:
Narrative:
Okay, as much as there seems to be a slow start to your first chapter, it does feel engaging soon enough. This is mainly because of the mystery of these voices that keep waking her up. There's something awfully quaint in saying that "it gets better as it goes on", especially as I'm pretty sure Madeleine is in a dream. I'm glad she woke up and the memory was kept as short as it was - don't want to give the game away in chapter one! However, it is awfully true that the narrative becomes more and more attractive. This is because your protagonist has some social engagement and we can start to visualise character and possible traits or sub-plots. I think I'd be right in saying that you're dialogue is rather expressive and well-handled (more of that below) because it motors your story onward quite well. All in all, it's a rather good start - only thing I would say is that it's a rather beefy one!
Character
Okay, for some reason, I really liked the ghostly feel of memory that surrounds Helena, the sister. In contrast, I can't really say I took to Madeleine in quite the same way; I feel she is a little simple in affection and may slowly become a protagonist with explicit morals and views. I seem to prefer characters that are more suggestive and think differently to what I was expecting, you know? Then again, the character base is good.
The one thing that jiggled my wits about Helena was this:
This is the kind of thing I would've much rather discovered or had some emotional spite in the recount of it. It just feels a little too much like reading a character mini-history plan, but for a biography. I think you should've slowly created this idea as perhaps a sub-plot or transferring of character dialogue. It's a little too "Here's who and what on a plate, now eat it." You know?
The relationship betweent the two sisters nearer the end is very quite good, ever be it a little "sweet". This is because we're finally being told the story and moving on through events at a good piece. The way you've ended the chapter is good and most definitely makes me want to read more, but the build-up to get there does feel like character development is dragging its heels a little and sobbing unwillingly to be moved on.
Dialogue
This is perfect, mostly. There is very little wooden social contact and most of it is believable. It is well grammatically and who is saying what is done with clarity throughout. One thing I will say is sometimes the dialogue is lacking the emotive effects. It all feels a little too light-hearted, small-talk based language and I don't feel any fire or passion or intrigue in what the character's are saying. Yet, saying that, I am pretty sure that this'll happen later on in your chapters.
Overall
Yes, sorry for such a long review - I hope it helped! This was a most enjoyable piece with an interestingly solid set scene. I feel just a little like narrative and character need to be taken by the horns and pelted up to a higher pace a little more, but a part from that it's just the odd grammatical nitpick to encourage fluency.
Hope this helped,
Ben.
Thanks for the helpful critiques, guys. I've rewritten this and tried to everything y'all have said into account, so fresh opinions would be wonderful!
Hey Eli! You know the drill. 8]
Okay, final thoughts:
I will be honest. This was very difficult to get through, especially when I found out it started off with a dream. That annoyed me, because starting with dreams always struck me as kind of cheap and gimmicky. I'd prefer it if you started with actual conflict, as opposed to dreams.
Also, to say that the dreams are premonitions? It's incredibly obvious, almost akin to dropping an anvil on the reader's head. oo You might want to take that part out. Most of the time, in books, dreams are premonitions anyway. The reader expects it.
Personally, I'd take out the dreams. They only slow down the story, and it most definitely isn't the starting incident. I'd start with Madeleine waking up and hearing the voices downstairs, but definitely try and drop the dreams. That way, you have conflict, but you don't start out with a dream, which annoys a good number of readers.
Next, we'll tackle your prose. It's incredibly weak. I've seen you do much better. There are so many unnecessary words, and you take so many words where a few would do. It's clunky and it can use a good deal of editing. Part of why this felt kind of dragged out was because of the prose. You tend to put in "that" where it isn't really needed. Here's a nifty trick for editing - use the find feature in MS Word and look for that. Then, read each sentence without the word "that". If it makes sense, scrap the "that". It tightens the prose. :3
You also tell heavily here. There isn't much description and it's all telling. I hardly ever see you show anything here. She wondered, she noticed, etc. Since this is in Madeleine's point of view (despite being in third person), I feel as if you don't need to put in that she noticed something. We're following her, so whatever she notices will be what the reader gets. ^^
I feel as if you could still work on your characterization, though. Madeleine doesn't really have a human feel to her yet. She's kind of a cardboard cut out again. oo Sarah is a bit better, and she's actually more well-rounded than Madeleine is. You showed a lot by simply mentioning that Sarah was in uniform when she came into Madeleine's room - it provided insight to Sarah's character. It's the little things that make a character come to life, Eli, so try and drop more hints about Madeleine here and there by the way she does things.
I'd also like to take this time to mention that I have no idea what the characters look like, and I only have a vague notion of how Madeleine's room appears. oo I do, however, have a grasp on the scenery in the dreams, which is unfortunate, because the dreams aren't recurring settings.
Your emotions feel somewhat bland here, but that's probably due to all the telling you did. Try leaking in their emotions through their thoughts and body language. There's little to no body language here. :3
I'm afraid I have to disagree with Evi. I liked the last version of the first chapter better. oo I feel as if you were trying to up your word count here. x.x
Sorry it took so long to review this. oo;; Anyway, those were my two cents! I'll get to chapter 2 soon. ^^
Sincerely,
Jae
Whew! Finally here. I really need to stop promising people reviews right before exams. I'm going to go detailed on you to hopefully give you some writing-stye advice. Also, I've read over Skins and Pink's critiques and I agree with everything they pointed out, like the repetitive beginnings, so note those!
Don't clog up a first sentence with unnecessary words-- it's the most important sentence you'll have, and it needs to be sharp and clear.
Have your English teachers talked to you about parallel structure in writing? When you list things, it's a good idea to keep them in the same form to make the sentence more balanced. This sentence is perfectly fine as it is, but I thought I'd use it as an example for future reference. You use a linking verb + predicate adjective in the first phrase, a helping verb + and -ing verb in the second, and an action verb in the third. While that's fine, you could say something like, "the sky was a clear blue, the sun was shining with just a hint of a breeze, and the waves of the lake were gently flapping back and forth". Then you keep the "was, was, and were" trend going.
Is this what you mean to say? xD Don't you mean, "You deserve nothing less than the best"? Unless Madeleine is subtly insulting Helena.
Father and me, actually, since they're direct objects. Unless you're purposefully making Madeleine's grammar improper, which is a possibility! But it seems unlikely for this character.
Hmm. I know this takes place a while ago, but "and thus incapable of doing so" is so out of place and pretentious-sounding that I'm not sure it works even in this historical setting. While it's important to keep your dialogue era-appropriate, I don't think the narration itself needs to be this antiquated.
And whoa! She was dreaming? That's cool. But I'd make the transition a bit clearer. I thought, when she was weakening, that you meant she fainted and woke up back at her house. I'd add some ***, and definitely cut out the previous line to show a dream ending-- something about fading, or dizziness, or the world melting away.
The drowning scene is very meh, I feel, even though it's a dream.
Lastly, some description of Sarah would be great. I loved the information about the chandelier and her memory of it-- try to transfer that sort of description to Sarah, maybe tying it together with Madeleine's feelings or relationship towards her. I felt the ending was nice and solid, though.
Overall, even though you probably can't tell from my critique so far (*cringe*) this first chapter is MUCH better than the last one I read. I think it's a better introduction of Madeleine, and the double-dream-effect is a unique opening-- it you work on the transitions that'll be really cool. Finally, just keep working on your narration. Don't clog up your sentences. Don't be afraid to describe. Use every sense-- otherwise we'll never get to know your MC.
Best of luck, PM me as always if you need anything!
~Evi
Hey, Ellie! Here as requested!
I don't have many nitpicks. It seems that you have a great understanding of your basic punctuation rules and all so I won't go into that. I'll just comment on this story overall. Normally, I don't read many historical stories but you seem to have caught my attention with this one so that makes it so much easier for me to read this. Not to mention that your writing is pretty lovely without the grammatical errors to stop me in my tracks.
The main complaint I have with this is what Skins has already mentioned. You tell more than you show. Normally, I find that when writing third person this tends to be more present but in any case, it's still not good. Your flow becomes quite choppy and I feel like I'm being told a story rather than being part of it. The imagery you had was good, along with your descriptions but in some cases I found that you had some weird wording and there were a few instances in which I thought your word choice was bad, and/or lacking. For example this one:
Pouring in like mad? Surely you could think of something better.
I've also noticed some repetition in the way you write. Some sentence structures seem to be alike and it gets boring to read similar things. Another example here:
See? Not to mention what skins had pointed out with the "That was when she" part.
Skim over your writing, you'll probably find more.
Where to put what? You mean?
Okay, I have a question...how old is Madeleine? Her character, for me, seem to be leaning towards the twelve year-old side and I'm not sure whether that's true or not. Age can play a very important role in characterization and your writing kind of tells me she's rather young. If she's older, I would suggest brushing up on some of her reactions to certain events but if she's around that age, then nevermind.
As far as your plot goes, I can't really tell anything from this first chapter but that's no biggie. I did think the dream meant something grander, since the title is "Into The Depths" and she plummeted into the lake so it was interesting to see the connection there. And for a first chapter, it was pretty good. The most interesting part was the dream scene, other than that it was kind of moving slowly at natural pace but it's alright. For your transitions, I think the part where she realizes that she was dreaming needs some brushing up. I honestly thought it was really happening and she was just telling herself it was dream, you know what I mean? I didn't get to really take in that part and realize she was dreaming until you mentioned the bed and all.
Overall, I think it's a pretty good start to a novel, could have been better but it was fun to read nonetheless. I think if it were me, I would have started this with the dream rather than the other part but that's just me. You had some pretty sweet characters and it seems like this is going to be quite a gothic tale for some reason. It could just be me but either way, it's neat.
Hope this helped,
-Shear
Hey, Ellie!
You're a fan of writing these kind of novels, aren't you? I like it. Anyway, if you have any questions or comments after this review, just let me know and I'll be happy to answer/respond to them.
I'm here to review as requested. I'll begin by saying... Yaaaay! Ships, historical stuff and shizz!
When it comes to grammar, you didn't appear to have any serious issues. The only thing that I noticed was that, at times, you misused commas. If I'm perfectly honest, I'm not 100% sure how commas are used exactly correctly, but I have a fair idea. They're a hard thing to get used to though, I have to say. What I noticed you doing with your commas was, for example, you often used a period instead of a comma, especially before words like but and so. Because of that, a few of your sentences begin with but and so, which I'm not personally keen on.
My next critique is a rather picky one... It's not a huge problem, but it was something that caught my eye. What I spotted you doing a few times throughout this was starting sentences in the same way. Here's an example if what I mean:
Although four times may not seem like an awful lot, this way of beginning a sentence really stuck out for me. I think it's because, as a whole, it's a rather dramatic way to begin a sentence. When used often though, the effect it creates wares off. This is only a small issue, but I thought I'd bring it up anyway. I don't think there were many other sentences with the same problem as this, so it's not too big of an issue overall.
The only other critique I have for you is that you sometimes give a bit of a feeling of telling, not showing. It's not terrible or anything, but it did sometimes feel as though you were telling us how Madeline was feeling instead of showing us. For example, at some point, you literally said that Madeline was scared. You should really avoid doing that, unless your MC is supposed to be a really little kid. In a way, it kind of works there because it supports the idea of a child having a simple mind.
Your MC isn't a young child though, is she. Don't just tell us that she's scared, show us how she's scared. You can do this easily through physical descriptions especially. I'm pretty sure that you know about showing and telling pretty well though, so I'll try not to pry on you. You just need to bear in mind when you're writing that you need to make sure you're not telling us your characters emotions. By showing them, it creates a much more effective... effect. x3
Keep writing,
xoxo Skins
You introduced the chracters well. I honstly did like it, and I would like to read more.
Just make sure that your readers don't get lost bewteen how your characters feel.
They should each clarify how their feeling, and what their thinking.
Good choice of words.
I really like this.
You could maybe describe how she was feeling as her sister was calling her,
You made a mistake. (that maybe her sister was trying to talk her), should it not be (trying to talk to her.) :/
I like it, i really do. Keep at it. I seriously want to read more