“Together forever”
Those were your words,
Spoken between our roads,
Written in our hearts clouds.
Happy-We were supposed to be,
But you walked away from me,
Leaving me alone to see,
The mess that became of me.
In few summer months,
You changed my life twice,
Bringing me to the top,
Pushing me in to the bottom.
Falling motionlessly in the dark,
Hoping for a light spark to come
And relieve me from the pain,
That comes from the memories rain.
Pushing you out of my mind,
Making now my heart blind,
With rage of your disappearance
And emptiness with in me.
“Together forever”
Those were your words,
Spoken between our roads,
Written in our hearts clouds.
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140,381 Literary Works • 673,136 Reviews
Hello there! Music here for a review.
Firstly, this was a nice and beautiful piece! While I do have some suggestions, I can't forget to praise your wonderful work! So overall, I lived this poem because of the relation I have with the concept. Poetry can be used as a weapon or gift. Here, you poured out your emotions almost into a weapon. You told us all how badly this person treated you and it tore you to pieces. So basically, I like it wasn't just a basic poem with no deep value.
Also I liked how you started and ended your poem with the same stanza, that helps create the real idea of the poem,the topic is also your final point. I do that myself sometimes so I enjoyed you did that here!
However, I have a few things to pick on. (C'mon it's review day! Gotta make it count!) So in a few of your stanzas, the rhythm kind of slipped out with a few misplaced words that made it choppy.
"Making now my heart blind" here it's a great rhyme because it rhymes with the pervious line but the now threw me off. I would suggest taking it out: "Making my heart blind" sounds better to me. "Emptiness with in me", here either make "with in" one word, or take it out, maybe it was a typo? Again, it might sound better off without the 'with'.
As I stated in the beginning, I like your starting ending stanza idea. However, the rhythm here doesn't seem to be found. The first two lines were pretty good, but the last two don't have any rhyme what so ever and to make this a strong idea and pull it together, I think you need different wording, but I love the idea of the stanza!
So, "Together Forever" was great!! Just take into mind the little things and try to improve them and the poem will be even better! I hope you write more poems with similar topics! These are my favorite kind to write also! Keep it up!
Thanks, i will keep in mind your suggestions. For myself there were some places i didn't like but at that point i couldn't put my finger on it.
How broken were you because of he, just 'cause of he.
) Just remember, whenever you're writing, make sure it is from your heart and it is done not for the pleasure of others but for your fulfillment.
Well, guess that's what happens with a lot of relationships now eh?
A lot of broken promises lies scattered on promised land's shattered roads. Thsi piece was a good one, it just doesn't fit me.
Well this poem's not for me anyway. Nice work. How about writing about something lighter next time? That is if you are comfortable with it, if not then just keep doing your thing (I'm just suggesting
Though sometimes we write for the readers, it is also important for writers to express what they really feel. Then times come that we need to consider the readers then.
Well, just take this advice: Pursue whatever it is that makes you happy but make sure nobody's being hurt by it.
Thanks, i know i need to lighten up my work but these not so happy poems comes to mo so very easy that it's hard for mo write something happy. I'm working now on some brighter peaces but it's taking some time. And yes this not for everyone, almost no one who i know likes work. And thanks for your advice, it's a good one.
Still it was a great work. I'm also having a hard time making something light for the readers though.
Everyone has that little dark time in their life and after few corners comes back the light
How broken were you because of he, just 'cause of he.
) Just remember, whenever you're writing, make sure it is from your heart and it is done not for the pleasure of others but for your fulfillment.
Well, guess that's what happens with a lot of relationships now eh?
A lot of broken promises lies scattered on promised land's shattered roads. Thsi piece was a good one, it just doesn't fit me.
Well this poem's not for me anyway. Nice work. How about writing about something lighter next time? That is if you are comfortable with it, if not then just keep doing your thing (I'm just suggesting
Though sometimes we write for the readers, it is also important for writers to express what they really feel. Then times come that we need to consider the readers then.
Well, just take this advice: Pursue whatever it is that makes you happy but make sure nobody's being hurt by it.
As a poem it worked really nicely, the whole thing with losing the one you love, and when they say "forever" that captures what I was thinking a couple of years ago when I fell out with a close friend of mine, I don't think I could of captured it quite like that. Most of the poem flows smoothly, but has a random rhyming pattern -this works, just sometimes annoys me (nothing to worry about). In the first and last stanzas this line got on my nerves; "hearts clouds" Because the 'heart' is plural it doesn't quite work, or run very smoothly. If the 'heart' was singular then it could signify that you only have one heart with him, so losing him is painful, because you only have one heart.
Hope this helps,
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Thanks, it does help because i had a problem with that line, but i couldn't quite figure it out.