Can you help me?
Help me with this feeling?
This feeling inside of me,
Tearing my mind apart.
There's no more sleep for me,
No more happiness and joy,
Just this sensational fire,
Bringing me on my knees.
I've been broken and put together,
But these cracks on my body,
These cracks that you are not able to see,
They remind me of the burning pain.
This is the pain
That I can only feel.
This is the burden,
That I will carry on my own.
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140,387 Literary Works • 673,143 Reviews
Good poem. Just a bit of questions. I Don't write poems, so I could be wrong about correct capitalization. If you do capitalize each word at the beginning of a line:
Line 4.) "Tearing" should be capitalized
If you do not:
Line 6.) Should "No" be capitalized? It's not a new sentence.
Line 7.) Same thing with "Just"
Line 8.) Same with "Bringing"
Line 10.) "But" should not be capitalized, as it cannot start a proper sentence.
Line 11.) "These"
There's more, too lazy to list them.
Also, I noticed that you started a lot of lines with a demonstrative pronoun: "This That These Those"
Try to change some up a bit for more variety.
Here are some suggestions:
"cracks on my body, (removed these) cracks that you (replace are not able) cannot possibly see."
(Removed "This") It is my pain, that only I can feel. (Removed "This") It is my burden, that I (change will) must carry on my own.
Anyway, those are my suggestions. Good job!
Thanks, i know that was my bad with capitalization of Tearing, i was too lazy to recheck grammar
Hey, I'm here for a quick review.
This poem was fairly short but the lack of difficult words and long sentences made it better in its own way. I'm sure I'm not the only one who has felt this kind of indescribable feeling of pain that keeps you from sleeping. I'm hoping you feel better soon, as I look forward to happier poems by you. I'm sure it'll be alright soon
Keep up the good work,