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Prose: "Chronicles of the Dhampir: Emergence"

by Ego


13 + for language, violence, and sesuality much later in the story

Well, this would be my first story thread...but I can't get to my story right now.

Here's a short overview;

Allistaire "Hunter" Sinclair (hence my screen name) is not normal. He has known this for many years, but has not been able to put his finger on what about him is not right.

One night, when he is but a mere child of 12, he will experience something that will change his life forever. Lured to a mansion by a haunting dream filled with blood and darkness, he will encounter beings that do not die...or are they already dead?

Within the mansion, he will be forced to make a decision that no one should have to make; kill your friends, or be killed by them?

Book One of Chronicles of the Dhampir: Emergence


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Thu Aug 21, 2008 5:52 pm
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Cobra wrote a review...



These are really cool pieces of work, with lots of suspense and mystery, but the thing I want to know is: What happened? In the first piece, it leaves us with a cliffhanger and in the second it's a completely different scene. Are you going to write about what happened in between?

-Cobra




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Sat Oct 29, 2005 11:04 pm
Ego says...



Thanks Quiz--I moved Emergence to JustGoat, since it's turning into quite the Noir story. Check it out if you're interested in reading a new beginning for it.




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Thu Oct 13, 2005 1:31 am
Quiz wrote a review...



There's no poll, Hunter.

In regards to your story, however;

This seems like a rather abrupt beginning to a story...the dream was well described; it flowed well, used simplistic yet dfitting words to help keep the difficulty of reading down, which is always a plus. Many people don't want to read a story that makes you keep a dictionary next to you as you read it. You describe all your characters at once, which could prove to be confusing to the readers in the long run. for I'm sure they will get many characteristics confused between the characters. Perhaps if you made a further distinction between them there would be less confusion?

The fight scene was really well done, I enjoyed reading it very much! It ran well, I could picture the fight as it unfolded, and you didn't overdescribe everything. Also a plus.

This is a good start, I'm curious to find out where it goes from here.

--Q




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Thu Oct 06, 2005 11:06 pm
Bobo says...



Um, it won't let me...




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Thu Oct 06, 2005 10:35 pm
Ego says...



Read poll, answer. Do it now!




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Mon Sep 12, 2005 6:38 pm
Ego says...



Man, I really wanna get farther into the story!!!!!!

Would any of you mind if I posted the beginning of the second book? Gah, never mind, that would be silly.




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Wed Aug 24, 2005 10:12 pm
Eleanor Rigby says...



The beginning of this was awesome! Had me in suspense the entire time. Love the style as well, it's different. Keep writing, it seems like this will make an excellent story when finished!




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Fri Jul 22, 2005 9:14 pm
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-KayJuran- says...



i like the new avvie hunter!




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Thu Jul 21, 2005 6:31 am
Ego says...



it's easier if you already have an idea of what you want written, becuase then there wont be any radical changes......




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Wed Jul 13, 2005 10:21 pm
-KayJuran- says...



i just finished reading everything you've posted hunter! go me! :P

and... i think its great!! i like the most recent bit where its like he's
getting memories he didn't know he had or something!

i wish i could be writing a story with someone, if i got writers block
or something i could get help and share ideas and stuff. is it as fun
as it sounds?




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Tue Jul 12, 2005 7:42 pm
Bobo says...



Next time I get on the comp I'll bring my outline. And since you asked, I'll finish it up, as well. I just hope I can get my muse back soon, because last time I worked on Boundless, it wasn't very good.




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Sun Jul 10, 2005 12:09 am
Ego says...



gmail it to me....(the outline)

and Kay--hope you enjoy it!




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Sun Jul 10, 2005 12:02 am
Bobo says...



Heh, I'll never be able to keep up with Hunter. Although he does have a bit more than I do to take up his time...

Not to mention I can't get on my comp to type things up >_<
Speaking of which, Hunter, I just looked at my outline for Boundless, and it's awesome! I'll definitely be writing more of it soon.




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Sat Jul 09, 2005 9:57 pm
-KayJuran- wrote a review...



only read bobo's so far but i have just printed this off and will get
back to you!!

from what i have seen though, it looks like a great story! :D

keep it up both of you!




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Thu Jun 30, 2005 10:18 pm
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Meshugenah wrote a review...



ohh, I like this, Hunter! I didn't see anything that jumped out at me screaming "fix me!", so I have nothing really to critique (unless you want me to be a nit-picking brat). I agree with Jack, more description would distrupt the flow of this.

*waits for more* :D




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Thu Jun 30, 2005 8:49 pm
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Ego says...



Bobo wrote:"he seemed to glow with a glowing, blood red aura" Um, redundant?
"Killing as not in this man’s nature" -was, not as
"My fist exploded in a shower of pain as the man flew backward from the impact of my fist against his jaw." Another redundancy- my fist.

In any case, someone once told an author that if he wrote that good, no one would care if he made a few spelling errors. I could say the same to you. Keep on writing, man!


Your mom's redundant! Anyway, you always come up with the best comments bobo! You're so creative in your criritues! :roll:




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Bobo wrote a review...



"he seemed to glow with a glowing, blood red aura" Um, redundant?
"Killing as not in this man’s nature" -was, not as
"My fist exploded in a shower of pain as the man flew backward from the impact of my fist against his jaw." Another redundancy- my fist.

In any case, someone once told an author that if he wrote that good, no one would care if he made a few spelling errors. I could say the same to you. Keep on writing, man!




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Thu Jun 30, 2005 3:26 pm
Firestarter says...



Loved your new part. Good description of the action, and his thoughts. I think any more description would disrupt the flow of the fight and make it seem slower than it should. You have a perfect balance at the moment, in my opinion.




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Thu Jun 30, 2005 3:15 pm
Crysi says...



Yes, I know. I'm not saying he deserves anything else, I'm just saying I have a real problem with WHAT you're grading.




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Inquisitor says...



We are sorry. Inquisitor, Zentillius, and Meshalidar have been suspended due to mendacious and pathetic behavior. Please excuse him.




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Crysi says...



*growls* I'm fine with people correcting grammar and inconsistencies and even parts of the plot that may be a little off. But NEVER touch a writer's style. That I can't stand, and I can't help feeling like that's what you're doing. Just because he doesn't use incredibly complex words as you do doesn't mean he should be marked down for it. He doesn't need flashy words to make the story good. And he has plenty of description. More than I've read in many other stories. I think your grading scale is a little harsh and very biased.




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Thu Jun 30, 2005 8:15 am
Inquisitor says...



We are sorry. Inquisitor, Zentillius, and Meshalidar have been suspended due to mendacious and pathetic behavior. Please excuse him.




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Thu Jun 30, 2005 5:19 am
Crysi says...



This is excellent! I love it. One thing - up at the very top, "anger" shouldn't be capitalized. ;)

Very cool idea. I really, really like it. *grins*




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Thu Jun 30, 2005 4:03 am
Ego says...



Ever the rebel, Mike glared at the man and called out.

“Who the Hell are you to tell us what to do!” he demanded. The man didn’t reply, just stood in front of us without a word. The stranger’s silence seemed to anger Mike. His hands balled into fists at his sides, and he was nearly trembling with frustration.

“We should have gone when we had the chance...” I whispered to Aiden.

“Shut up! He can’t tell us what to do!” Mike spluttered angrily. The dark man lowered his arm and slowly and deliberately unbuckled his coat. He raised his hat with his other hand so that we could see his face. His skin was very pale, contrasting heavily with the black of his clothing.

“Leave this place--it is not a place for children.” The man’s voice was barely above a whisper.

“We’re not leaving,” Mike growled, cutting the air with his hand. The man threw his coat out wide, revealing a long blade belted at his side. He plucked the hat from his head and dropped it to the ground, where it settled soundlessly on the cobblestone path. His long, jet black hair was pulled back and thrown over his shoulders. His skin was pale, almost deathly, but the determination and power that he radiated immediately dispelled the illusion of weakness. His eyes were an infernal, flaming red, and when he finally opened his mouth to speak, I could see long, canine teeth that no human could possibly have.

“If you will not leave this place of your own accord, then you must be forced to leave--in Death.” His eyes locked onto mine and flared with a crimson aura. He grasped the hilt of his ornate longsword and took a step toward me.

Vampire. Unbidden, the word floated into my subconscious. I stared blankly at the man, and he seemed to glow with a pulsating blood red aura. I could feel the power of the being before me, greater than any mere man. His eyes were narrowed slits of determination, and his hand was clenched tightly around the gold-wrapped hilt of the longsword at his belt. He did not want to do this--but it had to be done. Because of Michael’s rash actions, he was forced into action. Killing was not in this man’s nature, but his hand has been forced by this stubborn child, his bluff called. He did not want to, but yet...there was something within him that welcomed it, even desired it...

The sound of ringing steel snapped me back to reality. The tip of the man’s blade cleared the scabbard just as Mike began to take a step back. He started to stammer a reply, but the man wouldn’t hear it. He took another menacing step forward.

“This guy’s insane,” Aiden whispered. I knew otherwise--every step was perfectly calculated, each movement honed to perfection. This was a man that had trained for years, even decades, to be a master of his art. He looked no older than thirty, perhaps, and yet, his eyes radiated a wisdom that would only be accumulated after a life of pain. He had endured countless tortures, both physical and emotional. His brain, however, remained untouched. He did not think this was his only course of action, he knew it was.

“God forgive me for what I must do,” the man whispered, to himself it seemed. Without a thought, I moved forward and grabbed Mike by the shoulder, pulling him behind me.

“Get inside--I’ll do what I can to stall him,” I said without looking at Mike or Aiden.

“But--”

“Go!” I growled. The man leapt at me just as I heard Aiden’s shoe hit the first step leading up to the porch. His sword, glinting in the moonlight, dove toward my throat.

Never again...as the seemingly meaningless thought faded from my mind, the blade that was flying toward my face began to blur, then slow, finally coming to rest at a snail’s pace. Confused but not stupid, I took advantage of the momentary reprieve from death and moved backward, out of the sword’s path.

The instant I was clear, time returned to normal, and the steel fell just short of me. The man’s yes widened when he realized I was not dead. He recovered quickly, attacking me with a quick slash that darted toward my midsection. Too quick to follow the path blade, I expected to impaled at that instant. The bite never came. Somehow, miraculously, my body had taken me just out of reach a second time.

“By Aluka, what is this?” The swordsman whispered.

“Hunter, hurry!” Mike’s cry made me turn away from the stranger. Aiden and Mike were standing in the doorway to the mansion, and as I turned, Aiden hurried through. Get up those stairs!” I heard Mike hiss to Aiden. I nodded to Mike, then turned back around in time to see the man’s longsword again coming at me. Without conscious thought, my body twisted away from the tip, its razor edge drawing a gash on my sleeve.

“Impossible,” the man growled. He pressed his attack, wading in to finish me off. I took a step back, not wanting to meet my fate at the end of his sword. Something about this man stirred a fury inside me, unlike anything I had ever felt before--

Persistent fool....for some reason, I began to feel a severe hatred for this man I knew nothing about--he was trying to kill me, yes, but there was something else--something...evil? I wanted to grab him by the throat and squeeze....squeeze the life from him, hear him try to draw breath to curse me, trying futilely to bring his weapon to bear while I grab his wrist with my free hand. Crush the vocal cords until he could not speak, crush his windpipe so he could not draw breath, tighten my grip until I hear his vertebrae snap and feel the fool’s body fall limp in my hand!

The traitor’s blade whistled past my eyes once more, my body having taken me out of its reach long before it drew near. I almost laughed aloud at the fool’s clumsy attempts to kill me. Who was this bumbling idiot! I could only assume it was one of their pawns--nothing but a scapegoat, a minion to do their dirty work. So like them, sending a lackey to do a master’s job.

“You’re just a child! What are you!” the neophyte demanded. “Answer me!” He roared when I said nothing. I bared my teeth at the idiotic oaf and growled,

“Your demise, traitorous bastard son of a man.” I wished I had had my blade, for I would have slaughtered this fool where he stood. He would have tasted my steel just like all the countless others had, those weak bodied mortals...I would have bathed in his blood as I had for years, until those closest to me drove the blade through my back...

The idiot drove his pathetic blade toward me, which I easily turned aside with a deft flick of my wrist. With his sword out of the way, I brought up my hand, now clenched into a fist, and delivered a punch that would have felled a man twice his size. That’ll teach the traitorous, good-for-nothing--


--My fist exploded in a shower of pain as the man flew backward from the impact against his jaw. What the Hell did I just do? I wondered silently. Taking advantage of the man’s temporary disadvantage, I turned and bolted for the door.




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Fri Jun 24, 2005 10:57 pm
Crysi wrote a review...



Alright, here you go. I'm still uneasy about the small amount of errors I found..

He sees nothing, Hesitantly


That should be a period after nothing. Simple mistake.

Barely distinguishable through the darkness, he sees a door at the end of the long hall. As the he nears it, the details of it become more clear to him. Made completely of ebony, the massive door towers ominously over him. The golden doorknob is carved into the likeness of a howling demon, its fanged maw wide open in a shriek. The warped doorframe is etched in painstakingly intricate archaic runes, completely alien to the youth. Almost instinctively, he runs a hand over the minuscule runes. At his touch, they glow with sudden brilliance, shining with crimson light. Before he can even reach for the doorknob, the door flies open soundlessly. Beyond the door he can see nothing but the blackest of darkness.


The rhythm of this paragraph distracted me a bit.. The structure in each sentence is very similar. While I love all the details, you should break some of those sentences into two shorter sentences, just to break up the pattern of commas. That's just a personal preference, I guess.

A slight tingling sensation runs courses through his body


Take out either runs or courses.

Each body is different, yet chillingly similar.


While I understand what you're trying to say here, I never did like sentences that said two things were different yet similar. I don't know.. It's your call.

His parents had always objected to Mike and I as his friends


I believe that should be "Mike and me." His parents objected to Mike, his parents objected to me. *shrugs*

he towered over Bob and me.


Bob should be Aiden.

I raked my fingers through my long, dirty blonde hair.


You already described your hair earlier.. *looks* here:
Mike exclaimed. I ran a hand through my long, wavy blonde hair.


I think you should take the earlier version out, since you have this pattern later on where you describe each character. The hair description would fit better there.

standing in the middle of the cobble stone path


Cobble stone should be one word.

black coat which billowed in the wind like a cloak.


I'd take out the "like a cloak" part.. But once again, it's up to you.

*stares* That's all I found. I feel like I'm not doing my job, lol! I suggest you ask Mesh to look over it.. She's pickier than I am. But I absolutely love this story and all the details in it.. I WANT MORE!! :D Great job.




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Thu Jun 23, 2005 7:53 am
Crysi says...



Anytime. :)

Besides, I usually don't get anything to edit.. Probably because I rarely offer it anymore lol. Now it's usually by request, and I've only received one in the past few months.

*HINT HINT* ;) Lol. Anyway, if I completely rip apart your story, it's because I love it so much. The stories I love are usually the ones I criticize the most, only because I can feel the flow of the story and I want it to be absolutely brilliant. Not that it isn't already..

Gah, how do you go so long without sleep? *laughs*




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Thu Jun 23, 2005 7:48 am
Ego says...



okay, cool--thank you for the offer Crysi.




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Thu Jun 23, 2005 7:45 am
Crysi says...



That's an excellent talent to have. I'll have to study this to learn how to do it correctly lol.. I can never describe things!

Anyway, if I don't have the edit up tomorrow, I should have it done by Friday.




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Thu Jun 23, 2005 6:29 am
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Ego says...



Wow, thanks for that! Thank you very much!




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Thu Jun 23, 2005 6:19 am
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Kilty wrote a review...



Wow! The pictures in my mind this story casts--if anyone wanted an example of "showing, not telling," I would tell them to read your story. There is never any question of what something looks or feels like, because you describe everything so thoroughly. Good job.




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Tue Jun 21, 2005 10:31 pm
Bobo says...



It's Ethelbert. I finally decided. Makes sense that Aiden should have a funny french last name like I do, huh? You can call him Bert if you want to give him a nickname. Otherwise... Aiden.




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Fri May 20, 2005 1:06 pm
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Shadow Knight says...



Yes, post the next part, cause I love this story so far.




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Sat May 14, 2005 6:54 pm
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Sureal says...



^_^

Now all you have to do is post up the next part (yes, I enjoy nagging ;)).




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Sat May 14, 2005 3:11 pm
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Ego says...



thanks Fontroy--Surreal, I made the changes you noticed, thanks.




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Sat May 14, 2005 2:53 pm
deleted6 says...



That is god dam good Hunter i like how it start fast not like some story there no problem i can think of but carry i must know more




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Sat May 14, 2005 2:43 pm
Sureal wrote a review...



More? Please?


Anyways, let us see now... I'm too lazy to go back and check your other sections, so I'll only spell check your last one :).

"Get away from there!" a man's voice cried


I'm not too sure, but as the speech ended with a exclamation mark, I'm pretty sure 'a' should be a capital.


as one, the three of us whirled around to see the speaker.


'As' needs a capital again (start of a sentence).


He had one hand extended before hi, the other at the clips of his coat.


'Hi' should be 'him'.




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Sat May 07, 2005 12:56 am
Ego says...



Just kidding--here's more lol

I fumbled around in the grass, looking for whatever it was I had fallen over. My hand ran over something round and smooth partially embedded in the soil. Working my fingers around the edges of the object, I pulled it from the ground. Holding it up to my eyes so that I could see it better in the dim light, I found myself face to face with a human skull. The bleached bone seemed to grin at me maliciously, its lipless smile steeling my nerves.

Startled, I dropped the skull with a small gasp and scrambled to my feet.

"What was it?" Aiden called.

"Just a rock," I said to him, looking back over my shoulder. I hurried back to my friends and looked to Michael.

"We shouldn't be here, Mike," I told him, narrowing my eyes. Surprisingly, it was Aiden who replied, not Mike.

"No, let's go in," he said. Mike grinned.

"That settles it then--majority rules," he agreed. He took a step toward the porch, Aiden in tow. I hesitated a moment before following reluctantly. As Mike and Aiden walked to the porch, I heard the soft sound of another set of footsteps behind us. Before I could even turn around, a shout pierced the night.

"Get away from there!" A man's voice cried. As one, the three of us whirled around to see the speaker. A tall, thin man stood just a few yards away, standing in the middle of the cobble stone path leading to the gate. He was dressed in a long, black coat which billowed in the wind like a cloak. A wide brimmed bolero sat atop his head, hiding his face. He had one hand extended before him, the other at the clips of his coat. He stood in such a way that he seemed non-threatening, but something about him radiated mal-intent.

Mike was not intimidated in the least by the man's sudden appearance.




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Fri May 06, 2005 11:38 pm
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Ego says...



I went through and updated everything you guys mentioned, as well as adding italics where needed and chagning Robert's name to Aiden. Bobo, I need his last name still.

EDIT: and you thought you'd be getting a REAL update--heh :twisted:




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Sat Apr 16, 2005 5:02 am
Shadow Knight says...



Pff, no more updates since I last read it, HURRY UP HUNTER! *starts chant* WE WANT MORE! WE WANT MORE! WE WANT MORE!




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Sun Apr 03, 2005 4:26 am
Bobo says...



Man, this thread is old! Hunter, update! Now! Oh, and remember to change Bob's name to Aiden, eh?




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Tue Mar 15, 2005 5:24 am
Bobo says...



Well, TBR, he is four years your senior. And he's a senior. Man, we're OLD!




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Tue Mar 15, 2005 2:25 am
Elizabeth wrote a review...



Jesus... no wonder you got 50 posts this is a very good begining. it makes me sick to think about all th women witht the gapping wounds in their necks.. but what was so cool.

I thought that personally you used too many big words, half of which I have to look up and re read over again.
Loved it.




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Tue Mar 15, 2005 1:07 am
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Ego says...



yeah, I tend to skip letters when I type...thanks




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Mattie says...



I found some more stuff that I skipped over when posting that part. Here's what you wrote:

I turned and looked out over the weed infested yeard. What once had beena well kapt lawn, filled with groomed hedges and gardens of beautiful flowers had deteriorated into little moe than mass of weeds and knee-high grass. Nothing lived in this place. There was death all around, from the hedges and flowers to the lone tree that once overlooked the property.

it should be:

I turned and looked out over the weed infested yard. What once had been a well kept lawn, filled with groomed hedges and gardens of beautiful flowers had deteriorated into little *more?* than a mass of weeds and knee-high grass. Nothing lived in this place. There was death all around, from the hedges and flowers to the lone tree that once overlooked the property.




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Tue Mar 15, 2005 12:16 am
Ego says...



lol. NEVER!




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Tue Mar 15, 2005 12:15 am
Bobo says...



Come on Dono! I can't imagine how many times I've read this story (in its many revisions) since you started it IN EIGTH GRADE!!! In other words, kindly post more.




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Mon Mar 14, 2005 11:36 pm
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Ego says...



If I could only get trplies like that all the time I'd be posting more DAILY!




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Mon Mar 14, 2005 11:34 pm
Mattie wrote a review...



I'm crazy for stuff like this! If you were to come into my room you'd know it was true. I hope to read more and be able to critique the whole thing without it being spaced out, that was my only complaint. My favorite part was this right here:
I turned and looked out over the weed infested yeard. What once had beena well kapt lawn, filled with groomed hedges and gardens of beautiful flowers had deteriorated into little moe than mass of weeds and knee-high grass. Nothing lived in this place. There was death all around, from the hedges and flowers to the lone tree that once overlooked the property.


Although, when you spelt kept you spelt it "kapt" fix that! That was the only thing I found wrong with what I posted right above...like I said, I love how you write I only wish I could get where I want to go when writing scary stories...they all seem cliche and boring. Your story was nothing at all like that, it was a good read and held me attention very well! I love stories like that. :)




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Sat Mar 12, 2005 2:57 am
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Shadow Knight says...



Well, you can be agnostic leaning towards athiest, how do i know this? i am agnostic leaning towards athiest. Hurry up and post more hunter!




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Ego says...



:wink: yes, yes I am




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Sun Mar 06, 2005 3:23 am
Bobo says...



Well, you are Hunter, but I know what you mean ;). I just assumed he'd be the same since that's basically what I did with Bob. And I will edit your posts for you :roll: lazy bum.




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Thu Mar 03, 2005 8:32 pm
Ego says...



1) I'm not Hunter

2) thanks. go ahead and edit my psts to update that stuff if you wish...




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Thu Mar 03, 2005 5:16 pm
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Bobo says...



“Well, it is not a topic to joke about,” he scolded. I rolled my eyes in response. Robert and his family were al very devout followers of the Church of Latter Day Saints, commonly known as Mormons. I, being an Atheist, was always at odds with him

2 things: 1, it's "The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints." 2, I thought you were Agnostic? Or does that change over time?

Also, you need to update Bob's description:
“What’s going on?” he asked, running a hand through his
short, curly blonde hair. I’d known him for more than eight years; we’d gone to preschool together, and had stuck around all through elementary school. We were as close as friends could be, and about as different.

He stood about five feet three inches, and weighed about a hundred and I dunno, but not that much at that age... pounds. He had grayish blue-green eyes that always seemed to be daydreaming, and a round face.

It's hard to describe his eyes very well, but they are sort of a grayish, greenish blue with an olive-colored circle around the pupils. Just like mine! Sorta...

Also, "who the loath." needs a y and an e

And one more thing.. what's a "beena" ;)




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Thu Mar 03, 2005 11:50 am
Shadow Knight wrote a review...



Heh, it's a good story, i look forward to more, and just to put you at ease hunter, i'm not confused, i don't see any places where anyone could be confused. But, thats just me i suppose

~~Shadow~Knight~~ (and now for my trademark) :twisted: :twisted: :twisted:




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Sun Feb 27, 2005 12:39 am
Ego says...



yay, here's more for you...

"Come on Hunter, let's at least explore a little while we're out and about," Mike begged. I turned to Aiden, expecting him to back me up. Much to my surprise, he nodded in accordance with what Mike said.

"Whatever," I said with a shrug.

I turned and looked out over the weed infested yeard. What once had been a well kept lawn, filled with groomed hedges and gardens of beautiful flowers had deteriorated into little more than mass of weeds and knee-high grass. Nothing lived in this place. There was death all around, from the hedges and flowers to the lone tree that once overlooked the property.

I started across the ruined yard, picking my way through the grass cautiously.

"Where are you going?" Aiden called to me.

"You wanted to explore, so let's go!" I called back. As I took another step toward the dead, fire scarred tree, my toes caught on something embedded in the ground and I fell flat on my face. I threw my arms out to slow my fall, and ended up scraping my hand on a sharp rock.

"Hunter, are you all okay!?" Aiden yelled to me. Mike laughing hard, bent at the waist and pointing at me like some circus show.

"Yeah I'm fine," I muttered, even though they wouldn't be able to hear me.




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Wed Feb 09, 2005 4:17 am
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Ego says...



no confusion at all!?

check your gmail account or get on the YWS chat.




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Wed Feb 09, 2005 4:14 am
Bobo says...



See above post. I am not confused at all because I know this story almost as well as my own writing. Better, perhaps. Anyways, Hunter, GET ON AIM!




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Wed Feb 09, 2005 4:02 am
Ego says...



No one is responding with their confusions...I wish they would....please everybody? As soon as I know what's confusing, I can fix it and begin writing again.

This includes anything you have to say Bobo




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Sun Jan 30, 2005 5:42 am
Bobo says...



I wish I didn't already know all of the intricate plot lines and stuff about this, 'cuz then I'd tell you what's confusing. BTW, hunter, looks like you found an avatar that looks like Hunter! Check your email for a better pic ;)




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Sat Jan 29, 2005 7:23 am
Ego says...



I'd prefer not to post any more until I know the confusion, becuase if it's not fixed now it will only deepen with further reading...unless you don't mind being confused of course.

I won't be offended in any way if you criticize it to pieces, so go ahead and point out ANYTHING you see.




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Ego says...



Misty Lynn wrote:I know how that is. Character development is hard. Sorry, I got pretty behind on this story. I like it so far, and it's pretty good. for some reason, I'l a little bit confused. And, uh, I think it would be best...just being me, I'd rather read a story about a brilliant athlete who's a looker and a lady's man. you know? oh, nm. :D


Believe me, you'll get your wish eventually....:wink:

What, per say, is confusing you? If I am to fix the confusion, I must first know what is the confusion is!


Hopefully, when I post more after school, there wil be more confusion. You won't get the whole story unti ater on...unfortuaely. If you have any specific confusons I'll try to answer without giving away too much...
.




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Thu Jan 27, 2005 7:21 pm
Emma says...



I like it. Keep it up.




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Thu Jan 27, 2005 6:05 pm
Misty says...



I know how that is. Character development is hard. Sorry, I got pretty behind on this story. I like it so far, and it's pretty good. for some reason, I'l a little bit confused. And, uh, I think it would be best...just being me, I'd rather read a story about a brilliant athlete who's a looker and a lady's man. you know? oh, nm. :D




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Thu Jan 27, 2005 6:03 pm
Misty says...



I know...it can be. And I'm still waiting for more of this story!




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Thu Jan 27, 2005 5:49 pm
Ego says...



you can't just say something like that and not explain!!!


What are you confused about? I need to know...this is exactly what I need to work on! Anything that seems even remotely confusing I would love to fix.




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Wed Jan 26, 2005 8:25 pm
Green Monkey says...



Umm... Though I am slightly confused, your story has unique qualities...




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Wed Jan 26, 2005 2:55 am
DarkerSarah says...



Aaaah! You need to post more...are you working on it? Because if not, YOU SHOULD BE! No pressure. Haha...no, seriously, take your time, and I appreciate your nice review of my rewrite. I'm working on some more of it, but it kind of skips around and I'm afraid I'm going to get readers confused. Not to mention, it's like, you and one other person that have read this. See, you've got tons of reviews! (Comparatively, at least.) Maybe I need a catchy title like yours...Hmmm... *goes to think of catchy title*




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Tue Jan 25, 2005 6:33 am
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Ego says...



I'll get right on that, thanks Sarah




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Tue Jan 25, 2005 1:16 am
DarkerSarah says...



I rewrote the second part of my story, if you'd like to read it and comment on it. I put in a little more detail. I think it's better.

-Sarah




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Tue Jan 25, 2005 12:18 am
Ego says...



*goes off to read reviews on Rose Red*
I assure you, it's nothing like Rose red...




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Mon Jan 24, 2005 11:55 pm
MinnesotaGurl1 says...



hmmmm seems a LOT like "Rose Red" by Stephen King to me. :shock:




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Mon Jan 24, 2005 2:48 am
Ego says...



I think I'll add in a third person perspective of Mike or Robert's entrance to the manor....cause yeah, it is quite a sudden start, at least for Hunter. Thanks for your reply, I'll get more up soon, as you should!

--Hunter




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Mon Jan 24, 2005 2:41 am
DarkerSarah wrote a review...



This is such a good start. The main two things I don't like are the name 'Bob' and the fact that they all just woke up in front of this house -it's too easy. It's like it's all rushed. (But I'm one to talk about rushing things, eh?) I love, love, love the description of the house at the beginning. Can't wait to read more!

-Sarah




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Mon Jan 24, 2005 1:17 am
Ego says...



Okay guys, here I need some help; character development is not my strong suite, so I need you to point out ANYTHING you feel is too over the top, strange, irrelevant, or random about these three characters while you're reading this portion, especially Hunter, as he is the main protagonist.

thanks,
--Hunter



For someone so smart, Aiden could be so stupid sometimes.

“I was being sarcastic, dude,” I said.

“Well, it is not a topic to joke about,” he scolded. I rolled my eyes in response. Robert and his family were all very devout followers of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, commonly known as Mormons. I, being an Atheist, was always at odds with him.

“Hunter--he’s right.” I turned slowly toward Mike.

“You can’t be serious?” I said.

“I can hear it right now, even as I say these words.”

“Me too,” Aiden said. His face paled.

“What’s it saying then?” I demanded. Mike and Aiden looked to each other cautiously then, Aiden spoke up.

“It wants me to go inside,” he said, referring to the mansion. He looked back to Mike for confirmation. He nodded.

“Yeah.”

“You two are nuts,” I said, giving them a look of incredulity. Suddenly, like a flash of lightning, I realized they were not as crazy as I thought. Fragments of the dream flashed through my memory.

--Blood covers the walls--

I knew you would come

--Bodies all around--

They always come

--Blood--

Nothing but a fool

--So much blood--


“Hunter?” Aiden asked. I blinked and shook the memory
away.

“What?” I asked.

“What’s going on?” he asked, running a hand through his short, curly blonde hair. I’d known him for more than eight years; we’d gone to preschool together, and had stuck around all through elementary school. We were as close as friends could be, and about as different.

He stood about five feet three inches, and weighed about a hundred and fourty pounds. He had cloudy blue-green eyes that always seemed to be daydreaming, and a round face.

He was easily the smartest and most artistic of the three of us. He was a genius of all things scholastic, and was a whiz with computers. His religion was a sharp as his mind, and he tended to be very closed minded. His parents had always objected to Mike and I as his friends because we weren’t Mormon, but he knew who his friends were and would let no one tell him otherwise.

Despite his obvious intelligence and faith, he lacked the sociability and athleticism to do anything else.

I ignored his question. “What time is it?” I asked.

Mike glanced at his watch, the soft blue glow of the dial illuminating the darkness around us.

“Twelve-thirty,” he grunted. He jammed his hands into his jean pockets and stared up at the sky. Mike was the unofficial leader of our little troupe, mainly because he was the biggest and most intimidating. He was incredibly talented at all sports, and just as bad in school as he was good on the court.

He kept his jet black hair cropped short on his head, and his dull brown eyes always seemed angry about something. With his massive six foot frame, he towered over Bob and me. He worked out every day for hours, keeping his body in top form for all his sports. His activities came at a price, though; his grades were terrible.

“What should we do?” Aiden asked Mike.

“Yeah, what do we do o’ fearless leader?” I echoed.

“I say we go inside. After all, what can it hurt?” he replied quickly.

“He has a point,” Aiden said. I was surprised; usually, he was the last one to take a risk. Now he seemed almost...eager.

“You two can’t be serious!” I exclaimed. I raked my fingers through my long, dirty blonde hair. In comparison to Aiden and Mike, I was always very plain. I was decent at sports, but Mike ran circles around me, be it on the field or on the court. I was by no means a pushover in school, but Aiden still made me seem like a fool in comparison. I was always the one no one noticed because I was overshadowed by the talents of Aiden and Mike. I was always “Mike’s friend,” or “that one guy that hangs out with that other genius guy.”

I averaged out everything Aiden and Mike were and were not. In one thing however, I excelled past anything Aiden or Mike could ever hope to. I’ve been told that upon entering a conversation, I bring with me a certain presence that draws everyone’s immediate attention. With their attention on me, I’ve looked right into their soul, looking seeing through their barriers and sensing their past. I know what they like, what they hate, who they love, who the loath. This ability comes, not from some supernatural awareness, but from logic. The way things are said, what words are used, how the body moves when the words are spoken, each and every part of a sentence can tell you something about a person. Just by a customary greeting, one can discover the deepest crevices of a person’s being.

This is not something I am proud of, for I feel it is a curse. I know much more than I ever would have wanted to, and cannot help that I know it. Ignorance is bliss, as they say; and I believe it would be. With my skill in the human mind comes a certain magnetism that lets me get along with anyone, anywhere, at any time, in any language. The power of the human mind is astounding, as is the complexity of it. Aiden and Mike are not as...talented as I.




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Thu Jan 20, 2005 4:13 am
Bobo says...



That kind of stuff can get annoying if people don't care about what they say. Anyways, for further enrichment, read Boundless (in the Fantasy section). It has the same characters and intertwines with this story. Anyways, you better never give this story up, Hunter!




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Misty says...



you're welcome. I love books like that. But with the whole Jesus thing, well I actually have a habit of adding, "loves you" whenever someone says that around me. It hasn't made them stop yet...some people laugh and some glare...lol.




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Ego says...



I hate to give anything away, but pretty much everything asnyone says or does in this book has significance. Surprisingly, I like many religious things into the book later on, as Bobo can attest to...it's all quite elaborate and confusing, really...hopefully I get it all worked out before I post it ::wink::

Thanks for the comment Misty, I may be able to work in a different sentence there, but it does set Hunter's character for the rest of the novel. It shows that 1) he's obviously not religious and 2) he doesn't care if anyone else knows it. (I'll still try hard to work something else in, I hadn't taken into account the reactions of the readers)




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Mon Jan 17, 2005 1:49 am
Misty wrote a review...



oh, wow! You are seriouslyTOO good! This book is seriously TOO GOOD! IT was so disgusting yet totally believable. And I thought my writing was grisly...ack! This sent chills up my spine and I had to turn around to make sure my parents weren't about to walk in on me...the one thing I'd say is I wouldn't have Hunter say "Jesus," but I'm a Christian, you know. Maybe another swear word, but not Jesus. Good job, I love this!




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Thu Jan 13, 2005 3:20 am
Ego says...



This is a totally different version, completely from scrath...I pretty much scrapped my 80 page one, and only have it aorund for reference...




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Wed Jan 12, 2005 11:35 pm
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Bobo says...



I'm not that elaborate! Wow! NIce writing, Hunter! I know I've read this before, but it looks like you changed it -ish. I loke how Bob sneaks up on Hunter and Mike (almost called him Gary lol). Post more... although you may want to wait for more comments...




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Wed Jan 12, 2005 4:02 am
Ego says...



enjoy!!

***


“-- up! Hunter!” I awoke abruptly as someone shook me by roughly by the shoulders.

“I’m awake, get off me,” I groaned groggily.

“Wake up dammit!” the voice sounded familiar. Finally I opened my eyes. I focused my sleep filled vision on the face in front of me. The features of Mike Reynolds came into focus.

“Mike? What--where am I?” I asked my friend. I slowly came to the realization that I was not in my comfy, queen-sized bed in my house. I standing in the middle of a massive, weed infested yard in font of a colossal mansion.

I turned to Mike, “Why are we standing in front of the Moonshine Manor?”

“I have no idea. I was walking by, and saw you standing there, looking up at the mansion,” my friend answered.

I glanced down at his watch, “Walking by? It’s midnight. Do you always walk around more than a mile from your house in the middle of the night?”

Mike looked around, confused. “Is it that late?” he asked. “I didn’t think--no, wait...” he trailed off.

“Mike,” I said, drawing his attention back to the dilemma at hand.

“Yeah?” Michael replied, looking down at me.

“Why are you out at midnight?”

“I can’t remember...I don’t remember why I left my house,” Michael sounded confused. “I remember walking through that gate--” I glanced to the entrance in question. Something about it seemed oddly familiar. Maybe it was the demonic likenesses on the lock, or the intricate carvings around the gateposts; something about it sent chills up his spine. “--but I don’t remember why I walked through the gate,” Mike finished exasperatedly.

I barely heard him. I struggled to remember where I had seen this doorway before. In my mind’s eye, I saw flashes of an ebony door, a room full of alien runes, and blood. My eyes snapped open.

“I--I dreamt about this place,” I mumbled under my breath. “It was in my dream.”

“Yeah. Whatever, Hunter,” Mike said, rolling his eyes sarcastically. Mike opened his mouth to say something else, but was instantly cut off by an unearthly scream from within the mansion.

“What...was that?” I asked shakily. Mike said nothing, just stood there motionless.

After a moment of silence, Mike said, “Let’s check it out.” I had a terrible feeling, deep in my heart, that something was very wrong with this place.

“No way, Mike,” I replied quickly.

“Oh come on Hunter, quit being a pansy!” Mike exclaimed. I ran a hand through my long, wavy blonde hair. Before I could respond, a third voice cut in.

“I agree with Hunter.”

Mike and I whirled about to see Aiden Ethlebert--the third of our trio of friends--standing near the gate to the manor.

“What are you doing here, Aiden?” Mike demanded. The situation was getting strange indeed.

“I...” he paused for a moment, obviously nervous about telling us.

“Spit it out Aiden!” Mike said forcefully.

“I was called...by voice in my dreams. When I woke up, the voice was still there...” he said. He sounded as if he did not believe it himself.

“So God talks to you in your sleep now too, does he?” I scoffed. Aiden’s eyes narrowed.

“This was nothing like God. The voice was evil, filled with infernal allure and forbidden desires.” I slapped a palm to my forehead.




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Fri Jan 07, 2005 4:36 am
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Ego says...



that's cuz it's not supposed to be there Bobo. I switched the words and must have missed the delete button


thanks for the comments, more as I get to it




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Thu Jan 06, 2005 1:17 pm
Bobo wrote a review...



A slight tingling sensation runs courses through his body sending shivers up his spine.

The phrase "runs courses" sounds redundant. And I still think first person is better for parts that Hunter experiences. I mean, if you do 3rd person for the whole thing, then I would probably need to too to keep things consistent.




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Thu Jan 06, 2005 3:47 am
Sam wrote a review...



Yes, it's really creepy! the thing about you describing the stench of the blood and stuff...yecch, really realistic! And that creepy lady and all the decapitated dead girls in a circle...something's afoot! This is really, really cool. I can't wait to read more of it.




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Thu Jan 06, 2005 3:22 am
Crysi wrote a review...



I LOVE THIS!!!

I rarely read scary stories anymore.. but this is EXCELLENT! I love how you use present tense.. and it's just such a creepy atmosphere.. Gah, it sends shivers down my spine!

Maybe I'm just easily scared :wink:




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Wed Jan 05, 2005 12:37 am
Ego says...



*laughs evilly* believe me, I have this story coming out my ears...there is much more to come...just gotta go get my disk...

oh, and most of the dream is writen in a very specific styling, but I will take these edits in consideration...




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Tue Jan 04, 2005 6:11 pm
nickelpickle wrote a review...



Hunter wrote:"Come to me...I am so...hungry...” the strange, melodic voice echoes through the wooden halls as the boy walks down the dark corridor. ”


Okay...Good but maybe start differently.. Begin by describing the boy and substitute a more descriptive word for walks. After you do that, say the "Come to me...I am so...hungry" the strage, melodic voicec echoed.

So try this... The tall, thin boy crept down the dark corridor. A strange, melodic voice echoed through the wooden halls... "Come to me...I am so...hungry..."

I dunno, just food for thought.

Hunter wrote: He sees nothing, Hesitantly, he turns away and continues down the hall, the ancient floorboards creaking under his weight. ”


Maybe change it to: Seeing nothing, he hesitantly turns away and continues down the hall, the ancient floorboards creaking under his weight.

Hunter wrote:
At the end of the hall he can barely make out a door. ”


Change it to something else like; Barely distinguishable through the darkness, he sees a door at the end of the long hall.



Overall, very, very good. You left me hanging and it was quick reading... I just made a few simple suggestions, please feel free to ignore them;)
One more thing....You MUST WRITE MOR!!!!

Nikki




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Tue Jan 04, 2005 4:07 am
Ego says...



here's the first part of chapter 1...

"Come to me...I am so...hungry...” the strange, melodic voice echoes through the wooden halls as the boy walks down the dark corridor. Bloodstains cover the walls, and the smell of putrefied flesh and the metallic stench of blood assaults the youth’s nose. Off to his left, a sound draws his attention. He whirls to face it, squinting into the darkness. He sees nothing, Hesitantly, he turns away and continues down the hall, the ancient floorboards creaking under his weight.

Barely distinguishable through the darkness, he sees a door at the end of the long hall. As the he nears it, the details of it become more clear to him. Made completely of ebony, the massive door towers ominously over him. The golden doorknob is carved into the likeness of a howling demon, its fanged maw wide open in a shriek. The warped doorframe is etched in painstakingly intricate archaic runes, completely alien to the youth. Almost instinctively, he runs a hand over the minuscule runes. At his touch, they glow with sudden brilliance, shining with crimson light. Before he can even reach for the doorknob, the door flies open soundlessly. Beyond the door he can see nothing but the blackest of darkness.

Frightened but curious, the boy steps through the doorway. A slight tingling sensation runs courses through his body sending shivers up his spine. The chilling darkness envelopes him as he steps through the door. For a moment he is blind. Slowly, the room he has walked into comes into focus.

“Jesus,” he whispers to the darkness. Bodies lie all around him, forming a macabre circle around the center of the room. Each body is different, yet chillingly similar. All are young women, no older than himself. Each one bleeds from a gaping wound at its neck, as if the body had fallen mere moments before the boy entered the room. He tears his gaze away from the grotesque sight.

The boy looks around the room. Every square inch of the room is covered in the same archaic runes as the door frame. As his feet touch the runes on the floor, they flash a brilliant red. One by one, the runes light up, until the whole room is illuminated in a crimson glow. A chair sits in the center of the room, its back to him. He takes a tentative step toward it, carefully stepping over the bodies. As the sole of the boy’s foot touches the floor, a soft, sensual voice rings through his ears.

“I knew you would come. They always come. You are no different. Nothing but a fool.”

The boy gathers his courage, “Who are you? Why do you haunt me?”

At his question, chair begins to rotate. At first, all he can see is a shock of flowing silver hair and the soft curve of a feminine body.

“You will find out soon enough, Hunter Wolff. Very soon,” the voice promises. The figure in the chair is still shrouded in darkness. The boy squints his eyes, hoping to discover some details about the mysterious woman sitting in front of him. Try as he might, his vision cannot penetrate the blackness that covers the woman. The woman opens her mouth to speak, but the voice that speaks is not the same voice. A new voice splits the darkness.

“Hunter--Hunter wake--”





If you don't know it's impossible it's easier to do. And because nobody's done it before, they haven't made up rules to stop anyone doing that again, yet.
— Neil Gaiman