Hopefully I can keep this going and update it semi-frequently. Let me know what you think, each and every one of you influences how I write with your comments!
Within the depths of the pinnacle of the world, the great Glass Pyramid, the three most powerful individuals on Earth sat upon their thrones of gold and jewels, contemplating life and the meaning of existence.
“For crying out loud Max, can‘t you order a pizza right?” Kat, the Empress of the World, said to her younger brother.
“Dude, it’s not my fault that my freekin’ Belgian love slave doesn’t speak English very good.” King Max shot back from across the vaguely triangular table.
Dono, filling the last side of the table, laughed softly at the two siblings as they squabbled. “Well,” he said after a moment. He reached across the table and scooped a slice of cheese and broccoli pizza into his hand.
Empress Kat and King Max stared at him for a few seconds. He looked back and said nothing. He blinked and took a big bite of pizza.
“Well what?” Max said impatiently.
“Well. You said something about your Belgian Love Slave not speaking English good. You should have said she didn’t speak English well.”
“Now wait a minute; you said ’well,’ like you were going to say more…you kind of drifted off and acted like you were going to say more.” Empress Kat tossed her hair and put on a look that said argue with me and I’ll toss you to the ninjas.
“No way; I was sure to end my thought right there and make my tone of voice sound VERY condescending and superior,” Dono said, shooting a look right back at her. I OWN those ninjas. You can’t make them do shit.
“You most certainly did not--”
“No, he’s right! He was totally condescending me AND he made me feel like a dumbass!” King Max cut his sister off. He looked at them both with his own unique expression. I may be a dumbshit, but there’s no one sexier, so HA.
“See? Told you.” Dono took another bite of pizza, making a little face at the odd combination of flavors.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,008 Literary Works • 672,820 Reviews
sarah from weight training?
but I'm giddy to know you're writing again.
And I think the empress files should be from my point of view... since it's really my world.
Love you, babe!
Hehe, that wasn't that bad.
Try varying the perspective for additional fun. I want to know what the Empress of all is thinking when she's doing that.
The portraits gradually became a blur, and he lost count of the number of steps he climbed. Finally, he reached the great double doors to his room. Pure gold with countless precious gems embedded in them, the doors towered above the King’s impressive height .
“Freekin’ doors, always upstaging me…” he grumbled as he pushed them open. At least I can still push ’em around…chumps, he thought with a self redeeming smile. He stepped through and began to strip off his clothes to get ready for a sponge bath from his Belgian love slave, Sarah; he could already feel the soft, wet sponge sliding down his back--
“You’re not allowed to beat the EMPRESS at darts! What the hell’s wrong with you!” A familiar voice cut through his fantasy.
“No. Not in MY room…no WAY.” He pulled his shirt back on and stormed around the corner of his L-shaped room. The first thing he saw was his pal Dono standing off to the side, shaking with laughter. As he panned across the room, he saw himself in a mirror, Damn, I’m lookin’ AWESOME, and then his sister, the Empress of the world, throttling his Belgian love slave, Sarah.
“What are you doing!” he demanded. Everyone in the room stopped what they were doing. Dono stopped shaking mid-laugh, Sarah stopping gurgling mid-choke, and Kat--kept strangling Sarah.
Max first looked to Dono, the rational one, for an answer. He shrugged and could offer no explanation. Max then looked to Sarah, the one being throttled. Sarah, being Max’s most dedicated servant, tried her best to answer, but all that managed to escape her lips was a garbled utter of terror and pain. King Max, the second most powerful man in the world, then looked to the only person who could stand in his way; the Throttler herself, Empress Kat. She completely ignored him, in typical Empress fashion, and tightened her grip on the girl’s throat, her eyes revealing her murderous intent.
“I can beat you at darts,” Max said, his voice barely a whisper. The Empress suddenly released her hold on Sarah, dropping her to the floor, where the Belgian girl hit with an ungraceful “thud.” She turned her head to look at Max, her eyes now verily glowing red with rage.
“What did you say?” She demanded.
“I can beat you at darts,” Max repeated.
Dono slowly walked around the edge of Max’s bed and crouched down; even the most deadly of all ninjas knew when he was sorely outmatched.
Hehe. That is pretty funny, it caught my attention with it being set in a world of your own. I wanted to learn more about it and I really wanted to know the characters and to see what happens. It's good and I enjoyed it. I love how you did the looks on the first bit, very funny.
Heh, this is the first thing I have read in months so consider yourself lucky. Lmfao.
Oooh! I love the imagery! The blurred posters of past legends... this is good stuff! The last sentence/paragraph makes it!
"For six panic filled stairs he bored until he passed the second of his posters."
The "bored" part doesn't sound right, and I would substitute another adjective in its stead.
Other than that, nice work... as usual.
Max climbed the steps to his room on the 100th floor of the Glass Pyramid. It always took a while to reach the top, but he didn’t mind because it kept him from getting fat from all the pizza and ice cream he ate.
“Freekin’ Dono and Kat…gotta have the top floor, just because she’s the Empress of the entire world and he’s her boyfriend...why can’t I have the 101st floor?” Max grumbled to himself as he took the steps three at a time.
As he passed the fiftieth floor, barely breaking a sweat, he strode passed the first of countless posters he had collected in past years. It was one of his favorites, framed in platinum and set off by diamonds embedded in each corner. The picture itself was a masterpiece; Jimmy Paige, the lead guitarist of Led Zeppelin, lovingly striking a resounding note on one of his many guitars. This particular axe was a gorgeous, double-headed, twelve string Les Paul. The colors were so vivid, the pose so powerful, the intensity so apparent in the picture that Max could almost hear the solo Paige was ripping at the time. King Max smiled as he drifted into memories of his past as a child, trying to mimic Paige’s thirty minute long solo that left Max “Dazed and Confused.”
Well, at least they got what they wanted with that song… Max remembers thinking, also remembering that he thought himself extremely clever for--
Max’s tiny attention span got the better of him and he lost his train of thought. For six panic filled stairs he bored until he passed the second of his posters.
“Gotta move that poster down a few steps…“ he whispered to himself, heaving a sigh of relief as he found something new to occupy his thoughts. “I hate being bored…” Max paused at the poster; this one was of a legend that lived hard and died young. Jimi Hendrix stared at him from behind glazed eyes.
As Max recalled more of his childhood, his eyes became similarly clouded, and he found himself drifting from portrait to portrait, remembering the influence each had had on him as he passed them. Though he had long since surpassed all his heroes and idols, he still loved to relive his past and remember the good times before his sister had conquered the world with her ninja army.
The portraits gradually became a blur, and he lost count of the number of steps he climbed.
Remember the native-american indians in war paint and what not... not for this story... but still, remember.
see good things come from boring movies.
Are you gonna include any part that I "wrote" ... I'm not a writer... feel free to say no. I can be a muse or something that sounds cooler than muse...
For the sake of rationality and simplicity my critique for this story shall be summed into a single, seven letter word..
Almighty!
Hhahahahhahahahhaahhhahaha!
*inhales*
...and again
hahahhahahahahahahhahahahahaha!
I think you could have thought of something more creative... well I just don't like it because it takes me along this thought process:
blow ---> bloated ---> big
damn it, I don't wanna be big. Ok, I'm just weird.
Hmmm... maybe "Here she goes again." because that's the attitude people always seem to take when I start throwin stuff. or pretend I'm gonna throw stuff.
But you're the artist.
Never stop writing! my ninjas will beat your soul to a bloody pulp... if souls have blood... maybe they'll just shuck it.
Haha, lol. This is ofcourse, quite good. I must be missing something with the king Max thing...Im not in with it, on that particular facet, but I still enjoyed this. The first part was better in my opinion, the ninja's rock!
ONe thing seemed weird:
It may just be me, being weird and all, but this gave me the impression that she actually ate Dono...you...or whatever. So yeah.
Empress Kat narrowed her eyebrows and crinkled her nose. Her lips turned down in a frown and her cheeks puffed out a little, as a toddler’s does when they don’t get their way. Max slid his hand along the arm of his throne and pressed on a jewel, which depressed with a soft click. His throne immediately slid a few feet backward, sliding along hidden railings in the seemingly random designs of the floor. Kat rounded on him, blood rushing to her face and flushing her cheeks crimson.
“She’s gonna blow!” Max said in mock terror, a semi-nervous grin on his face. Dono merely smirked and leaned forward slightly. Go ahead; I dare you.
With a cry of outrage, Kat threw herself over the table and engulfed Dono. Pulling the Empress of the World into a tight bear hug, Dono rolled off his throne and the two tumbled to the floor. King Max let out a laugh that would make most people (girls OR guys) faint in ecstasy. When he laughed his chin length, golden blond hair tumbled about his face, sending sparkling patterns of light across the room.
“I’m gonna kill you! You can’t disagree with the Empress!” Kat’s threats were idle, however, as she couldn’t get the leverage to land a punch as long as Dono’s arms were wrapped around her.
“Love you too Empress,” Dono said to her as he ducked past her snapping teeth to plant a kiss on her cheek. Immediately the all-powerful Empress of the World slumped in defeat, a small smile on her face. Dono let her go and looked to Max for help getting the Empress off of him. A little help here?
“You’re on your own, champ. With my luck she’ll wake up and break my face for touching her.” Max stood up and walked toward the staircase leading to his room. “Catch you later, I have a concert to get ready for.”
Still trapped beneath Empress Kat’s now dozing form, Dono said, “Oh yeah, I forgot about that! Who’s playing again?”
King Max stopped dead in his tracks and turned around to face Dono. “I am, dude. Do you know any other bands that are good enough to play in Kat’s Concert Hall?”
Dono tugged one of his hands out from under Kat and scratched his chin. “Good point,” he said. “We’ll see you there, I guess.” Max laughed again and made his way up the stairs, shaking his head.
“Kat?” Dono prodded the Empress with his finger, hoping to wake her up. She mumbled in her sleep and smiled again, then wrapped her arms around him and held him fast.
Dono groaned and went limp, giving up and getting the Empress off of him until she was good and ready.
“Women,” he said to the cheese and broccoli pizza, which taunted him with it’s steamy freedom.
Ha ha, much awesomeness, Dono.
I loved the whole "there's no one sexier thing." And the ninjas. And the fact that the YWS now features a story with Empress Kat, King Max, and you. Coooolness.
When I first read this, I grinned and laughed out loud. It wss very amusing and unique. Unlike anything I've read in a while.
This is my favorite scene:
Good job!
Dono, I love you. platonically.
Now. Ninjas. I'll let it pass, this time
and.. I like the first line. it made me laugh.
and the "well" thing.. that was beautiful. more helpful next time, mkay?
*laughs*
This was definately amusing, Dono. I liked it, although I have to admit that I could have done without the Belgian love slave. That's just my personal preferences though.
I love how "contemplating life and the meaning of existance" really means "discussing the art of ordering pizzas" and the thought conversations between the three rock my socks.
My only other comment is that the first line... doesn't really make sense. How can you be in the depths of the pinacle of something? It's like saying you're at the bottom of the top.
This is just turning into some sort of epic! Awesome! I haven't looked at the king max story in a long time... but it's a great one. I love these stories! We can write them forever mwahaha... or not
This is the modified introduction to the King Max story, which will then lead into the Halloween one.
I love it! Is this just random or is it some sort of silly intro into the haloween one?
Wow. I didn't see a humorous story coming.
Good stuff.
XD
I'm loving those ninjas... That was like, the funniest part of the whole story.
It's like, everyone had their own thoughts about the ninjas and you got introduced to their thoughts in such an interesting way (and ordering) that it was just funny!
Anyway, cheese and broccoli isn't too bad, as long as you have some sausage too...