Written for my boring English class. Bite me.
A small jingle from the bell mounted atop the door frame announced my entry into EB Games. Brian, the massive Mr. Incredible look-alike behind the counter, looked up from his task and gave me a purely apathetic nod of acknowledgement. I couldn’t help but stride into the gaming store with a spring in my step, knowing that this was the day I’d buy an Xbox 360, which I’d been waiting for nearly a year to buy. Between work, school, and moving out of my parents’ house, I’d had almost no spare cash. After that poker game last night, though, I’d really raked in the dough. Now, that money was burning a hole in my pocket, verily begging me to spend it.
“You gonna buy something, or just sit there grinning like an idiot?” Brian asked. I blinked, then realized I was grinning from ear to ear. Giving up on acting nonchalant, I almost skipped to the counter and smacked down a hefty wad of twenties. Brian looked from me, down to the bills, and back up me again.
“Gonna buy that 360, huh?”
“Oh yeah.” I was still grinning stupidly, and I didn’t care one bit.
“Took you long enough…you’ve only been coming in here every week for the past six months,” he muttered, more to himself than to me, as he turned around and began fiddling with the lock on the door to the backroom.
I shifted my weight from foot to foot eagerly, nervous energy coursing through my veins like liquid electricity. I couldn’t wait to get my hands on hi-tech, next generation gaming console that could only be described as like having sex with lightning.
“Dude…you’re way too excited about this.” Brian rolled his eyes as he walked through the door, disappearing for a moment into the backroom. I craned my neck and leaned to the left, trying to catch a glimpse of my beautiful, beautiful Xbox 360.
I tapped my foot nervously and ran my hand through my hair. I started counting off the seconds he had been gone. Was thirty too soon to vault over the counter and go in after him? Calm, Donovan. Calm. Breathe. In…and out. In…and out. In…and out…and in and out. Was that the door knob turning?
The backroom door swung open again.
Brian stepped out, a scowl on his face, carrying a small grey box emblazoned with a neon green, jagged “X.” He plopped it on the counter and then reached out to grab the money. My jaw almost dropped in shock. How could he just DROP something so gorgeous and awesome? Sacrilege! He simply didn’t GET it. I decided that I was too excited to be put off by his ignorance. He counted out the money, replaced a smaller wad of money on the counter, then slid a few coins toward me.
“You want a bag for that?” he asked, his voice little more than a monotonous drawl.
“Nope!” I said happily, snatching my money and carefully picking up the Xbox 360 off the counter. I was halfway to the door when Brian called out to me.
“You want a game to play? Or do you just plan on sitting in front of it staring at a blank screen?” he asked. I stopped dead in my tracks and mentally slapped my forehead. I turned around and looked at him.
“Er…yeah. Whadaya got?” I asked sheepishly. He reached behind the counter and, for the first time, smiled. “Dead Rising.” My heart skipped a beat.
“When did that come out?” I demanded.
“Yesterday. It just got here today. You interested?”
“Zombies. In a shopping mall. And you. Using anything within reach to bash their brains in. Of COURSE I’m interested!” My stupid, ear to ear grin had returned.
Five hundred bucks to blow…blown on video games.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: So this was a very simple piece. It didn't have much of a plot but it was a pretty decent and pretty accurate depiction of what this kind of thing could lead to. It had a nice touch of humor of humor and it was always very clear exactly what was going on so its a pretty well done little short story.
Anyway let's get right to it,
That's a pretty good place to start off a story there. You definitely manage to catch the attention of your readers and set up the setting quite nicely too.
Great line there immediately establishing the character of Brian quite well.
Nice bit of over to the top tension for that simple moment there.
I love the few thoughts there. Its a wonderful addition to the story to make he whole thing feel more realistic by how someone in that sort of mindset would think.
Now that's a lovely touch to show just how excited this kid is for this game.
Well that seems like a completely normal thing for someone who is a big fan of games to do but I wouldn't know for sure because I am not one.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: So this was a fun little short that you have here. Definitely pretty enjoyable with its simple premise that's being executed really well. Overall all I have to say is great job!
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Gonna be sometime soon, I'm sure. Minus the dorky, lookit me I'm a freeking nerd attitude.
Hello!
if you did. (At first, I thought the character would think this game would suck, but then he says he's totally intrested. I just wasted 500 hard-earned bucks on a bunch of technical junk, haha that rocks.
Is this... by any chance.. autobiographical? XD
*shakes head* i swear no relation.
Nice Dono, sounds just like you.