The city’s smog blocks the stars and moon, Lucas Valentine’s only guiding light is the street lamps. Even if he was blindfolded Lucas could still get there, far to many times has he walked up these noisy, crowed, streets not to memorize the way.
“It’s almost as if I just left here yesterday.” He whispers aloud to himself. “It smells the same, looks the same, even the people are the same. Only difference is me, I’m not the same.”
A streak of lightning splits across the hazy sky, quickly followed by a loud clash of thunder. By the time Lucas reaches the small, brick, house on the curb the rain pours down without mercy. The brim of his hat fills up enough to hold a gallon. Looking the house up and down before hitting the buzzer, he notices there's something off. The dim flickering porch light is still on like always, but it wasn’t that. The flowers still bright and radiant, but it wasn’t that either. A familiar voice yells out of the buzzer’s speaker.
“Who is it?” She asks, her voice is slow and ruff but in a gentle way.
“Don’t you know it’s 11 o’clock at night! Tell me who you are and what you want before I call the-“
“Maryann! It’s me Lucas Valentine I need-“
“Lucas Valentine!”
A clatter of footsteps are heard from inside, in a moment the lock jiggles and the door cracks open just an inch. She only needs a glimpse of his dark puppy dog eyes, and pointed nose to know it’s him. The door swings open wide, bright light sweeps out and onto Lucas’s face. Up close Maryann is able to see dark circles around his eyes and his unshaven ginger beard. The way he limps slightly on his left side makes Maryann wonder if he’s attained a wound. Valentine needs something. Thinks Maryann. Very desperately, so desperately he’s come crawling to me for it.
It's not in Maryann’s nature to be charitable, unless something is in it for her, but she was in no humor to be bargaining tonight especially with Lucas.
“Mr. Lucas Valentine! I’ve waited a long time for this moment, I knew someday you’d find yourself walking up my steps.”
He dipped his head down spilling all the water from his hat onto the porch. At the sound of Maryann’s voice and the countenance of her face Lucas detected loneliness, and grief. Without a doubt Lucas knew it was not the house that was off, but who was living in it that made such a difference.
“Maryann please, I know what happened in the past. Neither of us can change it, no matter how much it hurt. We aren’t children anymore, as mature adults can’t we put our past hatred behind us?” Lucas holds out his hand for Maryann to accept in an act of friendship, but her astonishment at his speech leaves her motionless. It wasn’t so much his words but his tone, never before has she heard him speak so softly and sincere. He’s not the same Valentine I knew so many years ago, he’s different in some way. Maryann’s insides felt hot like they were on fire, and she couldn’t understand why. She was so sure the next time she saw Lucas she was going to lash out at him, turn him away and let him rot with the pigs. Instead she stood there gazing into his eyes. Hesitantly she reaches out to Luca’s hand with her own pale one. Not sure what to expect, Maryann leads Lucas Valentine inside.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey there, Edelweiss, it's Ellstar here to review your short story (because I can't finish my own short story wtfsdnffnfnfbufbguusoeif *explodes*)
Anyway.
THEY ARENT NITPICKS OKAY THEYRE VALID CONCERNS FOR YOUR WRITING
* It's 'far too'.
** It's 'crowded'.
(???)--there should be an 'are' in there.
(---) --Delete the paragraph break. These two lines of dialogue are coming from the same person, they should be in the same paragraph to avoid confusion. Break paragraph when another speaker is speaking, or if the same speaker is speaking make sure to tell the readers first.
The Only Plot I'll Be Making is the Plot of Land I'll Be Digging Your Grave On
Just to specify, when I'm talking about plot, I'm mostly talking about story and execution. As it stands your story is a little all over the place, as through several read throughs I still can't infer what's going on. And it's not even because you're playing with Show, Don't Tell a little too much--you're telling big chunks of the story, including but not limited to the part where "something is amiss", so it should be easy to tell what's going on, but it isn't. From what I understand, though, the plot is this:
"Valentine has done something in Maryann's past to deserve a cold reception, but Valentine needs her for some reason."
That's it. I'm guessing it has something to do with a war, but that's all based off my assumptions. Is this a continuation? Because if it is, this should fall under the Novels and Chapters section. As it is, I'm reviewing this as a short story, and as a short story there's not much to touch on because I'm not sure what's going on.
What you can probably do is write down the plot you have in mind and then think of writing a movie script for it--if you don't already know this, a movie script isn't just dialogue. It's also the lighting of the place, the time, what camera angle you're taking, that sort of thing. Your goal is to make sure the audience understands what's going on. If it's necessary, use witty banter to recap on what has happened before. If it's also necessary, use flashbacks to recap on what has happened before. As it is, though, I'm not sure what's going on.
"But Ellstar!!!" I can hear you screaming from the back, "It's not supposed to have an understandable plot!!! It's art!!!" Everything I've read suggests, at least to me, that you were trying to write something resembling a plot. I can't look deep enough to understand if this is some crazy metaphor or something. In any case, these are just suggestions, and you don't need to take them seriously if you don't want to.
Here's a Character, There's a Character, Everywhere's a CHARACTER!
The characterization here needs a little work. For one, I have no idea what's going on with this Lucas Valentine person. After a bit of thinking I think now he may be an Italian gangster whose had some beef with this Maryann person, but I don't know why I've come to think of that, the atmosphere just reminds me of Godfather for some reason. The wound is telling and might be very useful in the characterization, but I still have no idea what's going on with the character, and I need to know at least a little bit to support this guy.
And his dialogue is a little...well, I don't believe a person would say this to themselves. And I'm a person who regularly talks to himself, so that's saying something.
I think I can understand if you didn't have the italicized part, the italicized part broke the illusion for me and reminded me "Oh, the author is trying to say something deep and meaningful." It comes out seemingly out of nowhere, as if he instantly knows what's wrong without thinking longer. "I feel like a stranger in my own home," would be something better to say, and it says the same thing except it forces the reader to think about it for a moment. However, if you change this dialogue to a simple thought, I think it would be a better call.
And then we have Maryann. Okay, we just met this girl and her main conflict is that she doesn't like Lucas Valentine. Then, thirty seconds later, she's alright letting him in. I'm sorry, but this is the main conflict of the story, the sole driving force behind everything...and it gets resolved just by Lucas saying "Maryann please, I know what happened in the past. Neither of us can change it, no matter how much it hurt. We aren’t children anymore, as mature adults can’t we put our past hatred behind us?"? We don't even know what their deal was, how are we supposed to feel like they resolved something? How are we supposed to be satisfied with this ending? Why is Maryann letting him in, if she's really angry at him? What did he do?
Conclusions
I know my criticisms might be harsh, but in all honesty I do see good potential here. Your prose is poetic and beautiful when it wants to be and it's very frank in it's delivery. Though the messages sent and conveyed and the storyline used is still a bit of a mess, so I do hope you manage to sort that out. I'm sure there's a great story I'm not seeing here, but in any case, if I missed something, just tell me--maybe there is going to be a part two and I missed it.
Good job, keep up the good work!
Signing out,
--EM.
Everything you said was exactly what I needed to hear. I haven't been writing at all for a very long time. Here just recently I've been motivated to write again, so I've been randomly exercising my skills.
I know this isn't my best but I wanted to try something new. I used to always have family members read my work and they said the same thing every time. So, thank you for the honest review it really has helped me and encouraged me to keep writing!
Top of the morning Edelweiss its me Adleweiss!
Keep writing!
I've already read this before but I suppose it wouldn't hurt to review it.
In the third paragraph you try to describe a storm brewing,
"A streak of lighting splits across the hazy sky," may I remind you that lightning is what really splits across a hazy sky?
I'm confused when Lucas reaches Maryann's house, "The brim of his hat fills up to hold a gallon," that is a bit exaggerated, but there's nothing wrong with exaggerating so I won't count that as an error!
But it is a little confusing at first, you don't describe what has happened between Lucas and Maryann in the past, it bewilders the reader a bit at first, but you ended it nicely, so it's a good short
~Adleweiss
Yes lightning, sometimes I hate autocorrect!
Making my review now, but can I say that your names are so perfect together
okay sorry for being a creep gonna review now
lol XD