You watch her with thirsty eyes,
Blinded by beauty’s luring grace.
I watched you, with a silent longing and ache,
Filled with hope someday you’d notice me along the side.
Every giggle and whisper, smile and laugh,
Stroked me dead with the brutal sting of jealousy,
It engulfed my broken heart in flames, painting it black.
But my hopes were already shattered like broken glass,
When I screamed out in vain for you to fill these empty hands,
You rejected me coldly, and took her's instead.
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140,110 Literary Works • 673,017 Reviews
Hey new found friend Edelweiss, Prince of Terror here to give you nightmares. Kidding! Just here to give you a review.
LOL.
It took me three readings before I finally understand what this poem is all about. I think that's how you do it when reading a poem, right? You don't understand it during the first time and reread it at least twice so you could take a view between the lines.
Anyway, I think the main point here is that the guy you like rejected you and you are jealous because he treated you like an invisible gal.
This poem is sophisticated yet captivating - at least for me - in its own way. I like this!
I'm not going into technical details with this one, the first reviewer already did that for me. And hey, keep writing poem!
Yes that is the main point of the poem! XD
Well, thank you so much! I'm so happy you like it!
Hey Dogs here to review!
So, first off I really liked your poem it was so well written. I just have two suggestions, so I will start with those, then we will get to the good part of the review! Sound good?!
Suggestions
1)
What you have here is fine, but my suggestion is that you take the comma after "but" away because I feel that it's not necessary to have a pause there. If I'm wrong correct me, but it might just be me.
2)
Same thing here, I would take out the comma after "vain", because I feel as if there shouldn't be a pause. Again, correct me if I'm wrong, but I guess it's just me. I just would suggest to take out the comma, but it's probably just me, same for the first one.
Now...
What I liked about your poem!
1) Word choice: I really like the word choice you choose to use.
2) Short and simple: I love how it was just a short simple, and an easy to understand poem, I like those poems because for me, longer poems are harder for me to read and comprehend, but that's just me!
Overall I really loved this whole poem, and I hope to see more poems like this from you.
Keep up the fantastic writing,
Love,
Dogs
Thank you so, so much! I'm happy you liked it, and thanks for the advise I'll go and make those changes!
Okay, and no problem! I'm glad I got to read it! By the way, I really loved the title, as well, which I forgot to mention in the review!
~Dogs
Well thank you, I tried to make it catchy.
Yeah, you always want a good title, so it will draw readers in! And no problem!
~Dogs