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Young Writers Society



Deleted

by Dossereana


Talon Eye had no idea if he was ready for this at all. Eyedis walked closer to the rope and the rock.

“Alright I am going to have to tell you to put on some armour as well please. This will damage your beak and your wings if you don’t,” Eyedis said, going over to where the armour was. He opened the cupboards, then he reached for his armour and Talon Eye’s. This was the first time Talon Eye was going to be wearing it.

“Alright, put this on while I put mine on,” he said, handing Talon Eye the armour.

Talon Eye took it from him and put it on. The silver amour was heavy, and cold against his feathers. When he put the beak on, it seemed to be getting into his mouth, and tasted like iron. His eyes were like two bright stars blazing through the amour. The leg pieces had a clip that could be opened and closed, to make it easier to get them on.

Getting the amour for the wings and the tail on was a pain in the behind. He could not scrunch up his wings to get the amour on. He had to do it carefully and it was a delicate process.

At the end of the wing and tail pieces there were caps shaped like triangles and underneath them were sharp razors to cut things in battle. The caps covered the razors until they were needed to prevent any accidents.

“this amour is so heave. How are we suppose to fly with this?” Talon Eye asked.

“don’t worry you should be a bill to get yeast to it by tomorrow. Sins we are going to be doing a lot of practice now. Your father just got notes off when the war is going to start, its next week sorting on Tuesday or Wednesday, but the gong will go of when the trouble comes,” Eyedis said shivering all over his body.

“but how much have I still got to learn?” Talon Eye asked. He was only eighteen now, but he had been practising a lot, he had been training sins seventeen.

“well likely for you that this is the last of your training, but your going to have to work hoard the hull week long,” Eyedis said. Talon Eye was happy that this was his last practise, but the thort of war gave him a shiver. Eyedis walked to the rock and the rope.

“ All right the first thing that I want you to do is to carry this rope up to that ring, then I want you to tie it down, this is for strength,” Eyedis tooled Talon Eye. The ring that he was talking about was at the top of the ruff in the middle of the room and it was quit small, it was about eight seta meters all around. So Talon Eye walked over to the rock and the rope.

“This is it,” Talon Eye thort to him self. So he picked up the rope and started to flap hoard. The presser was tremendous with the weight of the rock and the metal amour but he capped going. In at least have an hour later he had got to the ring and tide it down well.

“now what,” Talon Eye asked panting for breath.

“well you have more strength then I did when I did this, okay I want you to take those caps of off your wing amour,” Eyedis said. So Talon Eye took it of like he was told.

“now I want you to fly as fast as you can from were you tide it, into the bottom of the rope, but be for you hit the rope put your wings in front of you, that way you will cut the rope of then the rock will be sent down with a crash,” Eyedis said. So Talon Eye was owns more in the era. He rast form the top to the bottom of the rope, he did have trouble with putting his wings in front of him, he ended up bagging his head on the rock. that took him the rest of the day, but when he did it the rock was twelve feet of off the ground, so it went down at a tremendous speed, but when it hit the ground it made such a noise. Bag crash!!!!!!!! The noise was so loud that his dad could hear it out side, don’t for get all of the other Eagles. But thank good news they all new what it was. Talon Eye and Eyedis took of there a\mour and put it bake in to the clobbered

“well don me boy, lets go outside to see all of the others for a Selebrashin for finishing your training your fathers going to be thrilled with you,” Eyedis said.

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Thu Sep 27, 2018 4:22 am
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FlamingPhoenix wrote a review...



Hi EagleFly! Shikora here with a review.

What I liked

So the way you start out this chapter is really good it got me interested right away. I also like how you have made this chapter longer than your last one, you don't want your chapters to short otherwise it will feel rushed. Your spelling has gotten a lot better since you posted your first work on YWS. So keep up the great work.

The plot

I like how you are keeping us on our toes with this upcoming war. And how you keep the plot moving. It's good that you aren't staying in one spot for to long. I look forward to what is going to happen in the next chapter and how it will affect Talon Eye.

Setting

I like the setting you have painted for us. But when you start getting into the action you seem to forget it. It's something everyone has trouble with. When your writing just try to keep in mind the area your characters are in.

Character development

I like how I'm getting to no more about Talon Eye in this chapter and Eyedis. I like how I'm getting to know more about them. What really made me happy was when I got to see how the eagles train. I like it when you use your imagination it gives it a better flow. From what I can tell with this chapter is that Eyedis likes to play the fool some of the time, but he is strict when he has to be, it gave the chapter a good feel around it.

What I think you could add a bit more of

Now the only thing that is really something that I must mention is that You don't really go into Talon Eye's thoughts that much. If we could hear what is going on inside his head it would give us a better view on how his really feeling about his training, and this up coming war.

Over all mistakes

“don’t worry you should be a bill to get yeast to it by tomorrow.

The don't needs a capital letter, and I'm sure you meant to say used.

its next week sorting on Tuesday or Wednesday,

I'm sure that mean to say starting.

Talon Eye thort to him self.

I'm sure you meant to say thought. And himself is one word.

“now what,”

You need a question mark at the end of that sentence because his asking a question.

Talon Eye and Eyedis took of there a\mour and put it bake in to the clobbered

The there you used wasn't the right one in this instance, this is the one you should use, their. And I'm sure you meant to say armor, and cubed. Also you need a full stop at the end of the sentence.

There are a few other mistakes in this chapter you should look out for. Like Some of your sentences started with out a capital letter. And a few other spelling mistakes. But other than that I thought this chapter was really good, so well done.

I'm looking forward for when the next chapter will be posted. And have a great day and never stop writing.

Your friend
Shikora. :D




Dossereana says...


Thank you for the grate long review I really find it help fill. :D :D :D :D





Your welcome! :D



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Sat Sep 22, 2018 5:17 am
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alliyah says...



I enjoy that we're getting to know a bit more about the different characters! This reminds me a bit of the Guardians of Ga'Hoole - which is a great series, if you haven't read it. :) Keep working on bringing in specific details to make your story come alive!

~alliyah




Dossereana says...


thank you. :D



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Thu Sep 20, 2018 1:05 am
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Carlito wrote a review...



Hello hello! Here to help bring this out of the green room for you! :)

I'm always intrigued by stories where an animal is the main character rather than a person. (Based on context clues I'm gathering that this is about an eagle). It's not done super often but I think when it's done well it can be really cool and there's a lot you can do with the descriptions and showing the thoughts and feelings of a different sort of character.

I don't usually get into nitpicks and sentence level/grammar stuff when I do reviews because I always assume I'm reading a first draft or early draft and bigger picture things are more important at that stage. There are typos and some grammar issues here (and I can point them out if you're interested) but I'm going to focus on bigger picture things.

Overall, I want more description. I don't have a firm sense of place when I read this chapter. I don't really know where I am. Even if the space has been described in the previous chapter, you can still show that setting here as well. You give a couple of little hints and clues, but I want the scene painted for me and I want a really clear idea of where I am.

You tell us what's happening and describe what's happening, but I want more of the MC's thoughts and feelings and I want more showing of those things as we progress through the chapter and the training. I think you could show us more of the training and the impact of the training on the MC and the impact of the heavy gear on the MC. I thought the chapter felt a little short and you could have made it longer and expanded some of the descriptions.

I always have to go back and add in more description in my own writing, so I get that it's tricky to do! Let me know if you have any questions or if you'd like feedback about something I didn't mention! I hope you keep working on this story :D




Dossereana says...


sorry for the really late really, thank you for the review. :D




If you ever find yourself in the wrong story, leave.
— Mo Willems