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This is interesting, and its clear that you know where you want to go with it, however, I feel like a lot of your thoughts here are unfinished. make sure you tell exactly what you want to say, without leaving out any of the thought. While this paints a picture, its very broken and uncomplete in my mind.

I would like to continue reviewing each chapter if youd like, and give as much help as I can to you

Hi @EagleFly @Shikora here to do a review.

I loved reading this work, it was very interesting. I can tell it will lead up to a very good story, witch i'm dying to read. I really like Thorin, i can tell his a very interesting character.

Now down to the review.

1) In a place somewhere called Eagle parades was four kingdoms and all of them were enemies.

There is one or two things that need to be fixed in this sentence.

1) In a place somewhere called Eagle Parades was four kingdoms, and all of them were enemies.

2)In some of your sentences your saying wich, is spell it like this (witch).
This is a very small mistake.

the next thing is something small.

3) Thorin was strong and brave and had a warm heart then,
You didn't need the (then) in this sentence.

4) Even though his parents had told him so many times on ward,
In this you don't the (on ward)

5) Wine day when his mother was with the dad in the throne room and he was in his room,
I think you meant to say (one) instead of (wine).

6) Then When he was fourteen there was the time were he could become king for his parents got tired of being King and Queen so they left some were else for ever.
The when in this sentence doesn't no need the capital letter, and forever is one word.

You spell rood like this (rude).

7) What was he to do now.
This just need a question mark.

And that is all from me. I really liked reading this. It was super interesting. I hope I can see more of your works soon. And I hope you have a good day.

Your friend @Shikora.

Hi there EagleFly! So glad to finally have a chance to read some of your work. Let's take a look!

Plot
So the main conflict seems to be that Thorin is having this smelling issue and also would really like to do something about the wars, unfortuantley he doesn't get much support from his parents, but that doesn't stop his determination to do something.

I'll be honest, at this point in the story the part about the smelling seems humorous and like it doesn't quite fit, I'm really curious how you plan to develop that part and if it'll link into the wars at all. I'd also like a bit more description on what you mean by Thorin smelled everything he touched? Why did he do that? Could you give some examples.

I'm curious if the reader will learn how the wars happened.

Characterization
Our main character so far is Thorin, who is described as "strong and brave and had a warm heart" - I love that you expand your descriptions of him beyond just the physical but have thought out some of his emotional characteristics too, I'd suggest that you find ways in your story to show the reader that these characteristics are true rather than just listing them.

Another aspect you might think about asking in later chapters, is what is Thorin's motivation for stopping the war, why does he not like the wars and how have the wars effected his life? This'll help the audience/readers have sympathy and connect to your main character.

We don't yet have an antagonist or villain in the story although you've established that the King and Queen are "lazy and rood" (should be spelled "rude" by the way). I'd suggest trying to give some dialogue or examples of how the King and Queen are lazy and rude so that the reader can find out first hand what the speaker is telling them.

Suggestions
Other users have already pointed out that there are some spelling and grammatical mistakes in here, I know those can be tricky to find, but as you improve in your editing skills I think it'll make your writing easier to understand too, so just keep working on it, I have faith you'll continue to improve as you continue to write.

Right now the piece seems a bit disjointed - there's a lot going on, and yet nothing has really happened. I think I'd like to see Thorin do a bit more in the next part and maybe have some dialogue, that'd make the story come alive more to me. I think you have some good plot threads though, that you can continue to work on developing.

Praise
One aspect I enjoyed is you seemed to have a vivid sense of setting - you started to paint a picture of what this castle looks like and where things were located. Don't be afraid to put in a few stray details to add even more depth, like what do the bricks of the castle look like, is located in a prairie or a village, what do the people look like etc. Little details like this make a story really come alive!

I also like the family dynamics you have going on, where not everything is cheery and happy, but there's already a bit of conflict brewing, as the story unfolds, I'd be interested what else you'll fold into that conflict.

Overall
I like the ideas you've got here, keep going for it, and work at really developing the points you've got! I look forward to reading more of what you write.

~alliyah

Hello, I've come to review your work.

I've got a bit of a headache, so take it as you will, but I'll try to be as accurate and on-point as possible.

Props to you for taking up writing. Now, between you and me, clearly, you are not a native English speaker, am I right? Just from the somewhat odd sentence structure and misuse of words, with the added frequent misspelling, obviously you were born into a non-English family.

Disregarding grammatical errors and somewhat strange sentences at times, what remains is the plot. We're going to have to revise it - a whole lot.

So we've got the standard conflict. Four kingdoms, all of them enemies with one another. A sort of royal free-for-all. That's a spine for the story, now you'll have to add the other bones. I do believe that assigning each kingdom a single castle and each castle a single unique color is a bit strange. Maybe too simplistic. Unless that was your intent, I think you ought to flesh out your world.
Beware of exposition dumps - the story must unravel naturally through character interaction and dialogue. We needn't know everything about the world immediately. Just a thought for when you do flesh out the world.

I would also suggest giving your character a different name, as Thorin is, well, a name already claimed by a protagonist of a very popular piece of literature. While I wouldn't regard it as such, there are people who might see it as a tad lazy.

Now, here's a section of your story setup that I don't really like. His parents leave because they didn't want to rule anymore. Humans are very complicated, our actions rest upon many, many unique motives. Does it not seem odd that they were just lazy and rude, and so they suddenly up and left?

I see interesting possibilities for the skeleton of this story. A potential plot about the difficulties of learning to rule without parental figures as support, leading to plots of war and intrigue and many different branching sub-stories in their midst - but you're just not there yet.
I feel you've given yourself a behemoth task that you aren't really capable of completing. A novel can be some 100,000 words long, and you may well be setting yourself up for a bitter taste of disappointment when it doesn't turn out.

Try to write shorter stories. Simple stories. Everyday life, or perhaps a closer look at the unseen parts of it. Acquire the skills necessary for every writer, and then, when you are prepared, strike out and write a novel!

Anyway, that'd be all for my advice. Good luck, my friend!

Hey Dogs here for a review!

First off this was a really good start to a story, but I have a few errors and suggestions to point out!

Errors

All of your errors were really minor, so it's nothing too big to worry about, but just for future reference I'll point them out to you!

1) You made this mistake a few times.

when you say... winch was, and witch was. The correct spelling of this word is which.

2) Worm should be warm (if you meant like he has a kind heart).

3)onward is all one word not on ward, it's just all connected

4) Smelt should be smelled

So those are basically all spelling errors, so nothing hard to fix, just know how to spell those words for in the future! If you ever need help let me know!

That's pretty much all I have, but this is a good start to the story, but I think you could add more details, such as: what do the characters look like, what is the setting of the story, and why did his parents just give him the throne, most of the time they wait until the parents can't do it, or die. (that sounded morbid lol) But anyway just add more detail to this, I think it could be super good if you add more detail!

Anyway you have a good base for your story, but it just needs more details.

Keep up the great writing,
Love,
Dogs