Diamond stood behind some small snow covered hills. Bright orange and gold storm clouds churned in the evening sky and the wind was howling like a wolf. The pines covering the hill glowed in the setting sun.
Diamond’s shimmering wings gleamed in the last of the sunlight, the pearl white feathers shaking in the tugging wind. Her golden silver horn gleamed and glittered as she grazed.
The sky above was churning with black thunder clouds and specks of white snow were starting to slowly drift down from the growling storm.
Out of nowhere a gust of freezing cold wind blew out from over the hill, the smell of harsh winter snows swirling in its midst. Diamond whinnied in alarm, throwing her daisy white mane back and galloping into the storm.
The icy rock crunched under her hooves as she sprinted through the pin sharp snow. Thunder crashed all around her and she galloped faster, hoping to escape the whirling clouds above her.
Suddenly a pitch black stallion appeared in front of her, his horn flashing silver in the lightning’s white bursts. Bright blue electricity crackled along his mane and hooves as he reared up, his wild trumpet echoing into the storm.
Diamond whinnied in fright, only to realize that the strange unicorn was Lightning her brother. Sighing in irritation, Diamond walked over to Lightning and flicked him over the head with her wing.
“What are you doing?” Diamond yelled, swatting Lighting again.
Lightning burst out laughing, his electric black and blue wings shaking with laughter. “You should have seen the look on your face,” Lightning giggled, still struggling to control his outburst. With a quick jerk of his head the storm dissipated and a wisp of silvery black drifted down into his horn.
“Lightning!” Diamond snapped. Why did he always have to do this?
She’d have thought that this scary her prank would have gotten old by now. Apparently not. You’d think that he’d be thinking about their journey. It was going to be a hard and long few days, so right now was not the time to be playing childish games.
Suddenly the bushes behind them rustled softly and there was a heave clutter as some rocks tumbled down the hill. Lightning and Diamond whirled around, cold sweat breaking out along their flanks.
“What was that?” whispered Lightning, his wings shivering.
“Just sshhh,” hissed Diamond as she backed away slowly. Lightning gingerly followed her, avoiding loose pebbles.
Suddenly with a mighty howl, something leapt out of the leaves.
End of chapter
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140,236 Literary Works • 673,048 Reviews
Just testing how this sticky comment thing works.
Hi MoonFlower! Danni here for a review!
I really like this. I love the suspense you leave at the end and also the relationship between Lightning and Diamond. I think the other reviewers have covered most of my problems with this, but there are lots of comma errors. I won't point them all out, but I'll just show you a few:
Her horn can't be golden and silver, can it? Did you mean gold and silver?
I don't really know what this means....
Overall, I LOVE THIS SO MUCH!!! My favourite character is Lightning because he seems like such a joker. I am a sucker for fantasy and this was amazing! I hope you write some more soon! I loved it! A few grammar errors, but nothing too bad! Room for improvement is a good thing!
Keep on writing fantastically!
Danni x
thanks Danni88 for the review, and I am thinking of posting my no work wen I get an of points you see, do you have eney poems that I could review.
I don%u2019t have any poems but I have some chapters of stories, if you%u2019re interested!
you a do okay then, thank you I will see wen I have got time.
I seem to have not checked the date on this before I reviewed. Sorry! =p Lemme know if there's anything recent you want me to review as well XD
Hi Moonflower
Great opening chapter! From the way Diamond and Lightening behave I get the impression that the world they live in is a very dangerous one for creatures of their kind.
The description of your setting is really cool. The glowing pine hills and churning clouds, along with the shimmering wings, create quite a magical environment. I think it would be better if you referred to 'some snow covered hills' as 'the snow covered hills,' or if you wanted you could even give them a name. It would make the location feel a lot more important.
I can feel the strong sense of companionship between Diamond and Lightning- they're not just random siblings, you can tell that they're close. There personalities also stand apart from eachother which helps to enhance that companionship between them.
Great suspense with the end of that chapter, too.
I would also say be aware of repetitions in your descriptions. They tend to stick out a lot more if you use them within a few paragraphs of each other. Other than that this is a great start. Keep it up =]
thank you so muck for the Review I really apreashat it
Good morning, MoonFlower. AnarchyWolf here to review this first chapter.
There are really good descriptions in here, especially describing the landscape and the storm. The reader gets vivid images of what's going on and the setting is really beautifully described, especially in the setting sun. I especially like howling like a wolf, because it really portrays the wildness and fierceness of the wind.
The opening and the ending are also both very effective. The reader is drawn in with lovely descriptions of landscapes, and the overall idea of a unicorn, and then the reader is compelled to carry on reading through a series of cliffhangers, the biggest of which is at the end. The one at the end ensures that I'll keep reading the next chapter.
Now for the smaller nitpicks:
Spoiler
daisy-white
was Lightning, her brother.
"What are you doing?!"
Adding an exclamation mark after the question mark will add to the effect of shouting.
A journey is mentioned during the chapter - it would be better if more was told to the reader about the journey. As it stands, it's just a mention in passing, but it seems to be vital to the plot, and so the reader should know about it. Not an infodump, but just a little more elaboration on it so we know what's about to happen, and perhaps why it's happening. It'd help to balance up the knowledge:mystery ratio.
This is a fun start to the story - I can't wait to find out what jumped out of the leaves.
-AnarchyWolf
Hello, MoonFlower!
writerkitty's here with a review for you!
Haha cliffhangers are great to keep your readers excited for the next chapter! :O I really can't wait to find out who's hiding behind the bushes! 
I really love reading fantasy stories about dragons and unicorns! ^_^ I used to love unicorns when I was a little kid, so, seeing a story about them really had me excited!
This is a really nice story and I can't wait to see what you come up with next. It's always fun to meet new characters, and I'm pretty sure that I'd get to meet a new character in the next chapter!
Your descriptions are pretty good and it really helped me to create a good picture of the two unicorns and the surrounding.
Diamond seems like a bit snappy and stern sister while her brother Lightning seems like a total joker.
I really enjoyed reading the part where Lightning scares his sister, it made me laugh!
And I like how you connect that scenario to the latter part of the chapter where something else creeps up to them. And a cliffhanger!
And now for the nitpicks and suggestions
I think 'heave' should be written as 'heavy'
place a comma after 'head' for the better flow of the sentence.
I think it'd be better if you write 'leaped' instead of 'leapt' ^_^
That's all for now!
I really enjoyed reading this chapter and I can't wait to read more,
never stop writing and have an awesome day!
writerkitty.
Thank you so much for the great review writerkitty!
it really was a good review i will go fix those things when i get the chance, and again thank you so much for the review. 
See you some time on the site, and i hope you ave a great day/night. 
I love the suspense! Just make sure this amazing story isn't littered with cliffhangers.
okay and thank you for the review,
and by the way I am righting a new story, so I will let you no wen I post it, sound good, 