Dancing under the twilight
Living in the moonlight
Not waiting for the storm to pass
But waiting for it's cue
Waiting for the real show
Of fireworks and fireflies
I'm not a realist I'm a dreamer
Dancing in the rain
when the pale light of dawn shows it's self
And the angry rumblings can't keep up with me
I'm waiting for the wind to count me in
And the beat of the lightening
I'll be free and fearless, not a care In the world
I'll let the world come to life
With my moves and the power of the storm
Beautiful light cuts open the sky
and the sky begins to cry
So I'll move slowly
And it can go back to sleep
with the odd stir
The gushing breeze sings along
The lightening and thunder are my melody.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
This has been an entertaining read and I find that your use of metaphors is very descriptive and wonderfully delightful. I like how you used the storm as a metaphor since to me I can relate. The best line I enjoyed was the ending "The lightening and thunder are my melody." since usually one does not find these two very melodic but you captured it wonderfully. This poem is very good and I can not wait to see more like this since this smoothed very great.
Hi EPIC!
I don't normally review poetry but I read yours so I might as well review it
Both of the above lines have the same problem, you misspelled "lightning" (if that's what you were meaning to spell). Easy fix right there though.
Another thing I noticed was that some lines started with a lowercase while most were capitalized. This might have been because the lowercase ones were directly continuing the previous line but as there's no punctuation it's hard to tell.
Two more things:
That should be "itself" or at least "its-self". The apostrophe is incorrect as "it's" is a contraction of it and is.
One more:
I don't know if you accidentally capitalized "In" or if that's some poetry mechanic thing...
If not, easy fix.
That's really all I have to say, aside from the thought that this poem brought to mind: a thought of someone, at first, hiding from a storm, but later doing a rain or lightning dance. XD I don't understand poetry.
Keep writing, though!
-Jules
Hey Epicnumber1!
This poem is all about rhythm and meter and I think that for the most part it really does read and flow smooth. There's a lightness and a brevity in this poem that really works well with the theme and topic of dreamers. I think that it starts with the dancing in the rain and the "pale light of dawn" and then moves suddenly and swiftly to the idea of thunder and storm, almost like it gains energy as it gets towards the end. That's really cool and subtle. I think you can make it even more pronounced.
The sounds and syllables of words have power and energy in them too when they are said, so that soft sounds: s's, vowel sounds, h's -- give a softness and a lightness. Whereas hard sounds: hard g's, k's give a toughness!
So when you get to the end, maybe try playing with some more hard sounds. Instead of odd stirr, try: crackling. Instead of move slowly, try: sluggish. Those hard sounds might add more to that power there at the end. Experiment and see what you can come up with! Instead of melody -- which has this connotation of softness, try something loud and bold like: symphony!
I hope this helps.
~ as always, Audy
Hi. Happy Review Day.
This was a very interesting poem, and I loved the metaphor feel to it. The fact that you introduced (not really introduced-but 'said' might be a more appropriate word) the metaphor relation at the end really settles the poem nicely and adds a good effect.
Now, the main thing that this poem could improve on is lack of punctuation. A comma tossed here and there would be great, and even in some phrases, you need a comma.
For example:
A comma should be placed after realist.
Also, the amount of conjunctions used as the first part of the line made me a little nit-picky-ish too. Consider taking away a few 'buts' (hehe, butts) or 'ands' here and there, it can make the poem feel more flowed.
Overall, awesome job. Keep writing.
~ EternalRain - Team Ketchup
Hello. Kanome here with a review.
This poem is really catchy. I love the rhythm it gives off when I read it.
You used metaphors and personification which made this poem flow perfectly.
A few nitpicks.
You used to the word, it's, which is a possessive, I think you meant 'its'.
The word lightning has no 'e' in it.
I believe a few commas need to be placed in your work.
There should be a pause in every line of the poem.
Other than that, I love this. It's catchy, interesting, and metaphoricall (Such a made up word.... Haha).
Keep up the great work, my friend.
I can't wait to read more!
Kanome