The same familiar blanket of eerie silence fell upon us once more. Sam and I lay in each others arms dividing the body heat between us while Danny ran around with Wish in the dark cave. Sam tightened his grip around me so tight I could hardly breathe but I am used to it. Ice and sweat and rotting meat leaves a sour taste on my tounge. I feel Sam's adrenaline fuelled heart pound effortlessly against his thin chest. Our steady breathing falls in time with our heart beats.
We have been living in this cave for six weeks, five days eight hours, nine minuets and seventeen seconds, eighteen, nineteen. Since Sam kissed me our relationship has been kind of awkward. If he tries to help me cut the last of the meat and our hands meet then he hesitates and pulls away; this has happened more than once before.
"Sam I can't carry on like this any more," I suddenly say breaking the endless silence.
"Like what?" He asks confused
"Like this!" I gesture with my hands "This, this... thing... that kiss... It's just awkward." I tell him
"Well how do you want it to be?" He asks
"I want it to be... well I don't know you're not supposed to plan these things they are supposed to just happen" I shoot back.
"Ok... then lets just let it happen" He says. Suddenly his lips were on mine, my lips were on his, our arms bound tight around each other. I forget how cold I am, I forget how hungry I am I ignore Wish's terrified barks and Danny's screams, I forget where I am. I just focus on this romantic filled moment.
It wasn't until I heard The sharp snap of a neck and a slight crunch of bones that I pulled away. In that second I am plunged straight back in to reality and not the best of realities and that's coming from me! There are mangy wolves covered in mud and ice and matted fur grappling Wish. Poor Wish fighting for all he's worth, I noticed he has a bite mark on his neck and a waterfall of blood flowing out of him. His terrified yelps of pain disgust me!
With out thinking, with out hesitating, I jump on to the wolf and stick a sharp icicle in it's throat. One down three to go. Sam is wrestling a wolf to the ground but the look in the wolf's eyes I know he is ready to strike Sam; with years of karate and judo suddenly flowing back in to my messed up brain I jump on the wolf and with the blood stained icicle I jam it in to the wolf's throat and the beast collapses on to the floor like a pile of potatoes.
Two down one to go. I say to my self. Relax children, let your inner peace control you. The words of my karate teacher. The peace doesn't control you, you control it. The words of my judo teacher. I take both of their advice and control my inner peace but let it control me. HEEEYYYAAAA! I brought my fist down on to the wolf's chest and blood scattered the cave.
The four dead wolves dotted our lonely cave. Blood spilling out of the limp mud-covered bodies stained the icy floor. Sam and Danny lay in a heap on the dust. Wish just limped around welcoming death. I sat with my back to the wall admiring Sam sleep but just watch in horror as blood trickled down his temple. I have never felt so helpless. I just had my wind knocked out of me so I scooted over to him, wincing when I stood up. I stroked his hair, his blue bruises, the scars that mark his black and blue face, the bloody wounds on his forehead. Suddenly his breathing quickened.
"I know you're awake Sam" I utter under my breath.
"What happened?" He asked in a cold, dead whisper.
"Wolves, dirty mangy wolves" I said in my normal voice but trying not to wake Danny up who lay on his lap in a pool of his, Sam's and wolf blood.
"Oh are you ok? Are they gone?"
Better than gone Romeo, they're dead" I whispered his head looked up and saw the four bloody wolves dotting the cave. A look of delighted horror spread across his dirty face. "When you are better Sam we are leaving" I say without hesitation.
"Why? What's the point?"
"Because we are too vulnerable"
"Do you want to know how sexy you are when you are serious?"
"I already know silly, you tell me everyday and we are going off topic"
"Fine but what about Wish and Danny?
"It's just going to be me and you we will kill and eat Danny and for wish? We will eat him to!" I said sarcastically waiting for him to grin. He didn't. "Look I'm joking"
"I know but you made it seem so real" He said with a grim look on his face.
"I'm sorry Sam I just want to keep us laughing" I said.
"By joking about killing my little brother?" He shouted, waking Danny and Wish up in the process. Then suddenly came the unspeakable, awkward, endless, infinite silence.
"I'm sorry Sam" I say dismissively.
"I know I'm sorry too" He said "I shouldn't have shouted like that" He uttered
"Listen it's not easy living like this and from all people you should know" I finally said after an awkward eerie silence that lasted for about forty seconds but was probably forty years
"I know, I know" He said reassuringly, gently bringing me in to his arms. I cried silently with no tears because you need water for tears yet we have none. Yet I still sobbed silently in to his strong chest wishing to be home with my mother, imagining her stroking my head while I cried openly in to her shoulder; she comforts me and whispers reassuring compliments in to my ears and my bloodshot eyes watch her beautiful face change expression.
I knew what we were walking into I know the terrible dangers of being in this cave. I need to find out more. When the eclipse happened a surreal, colossal hand reached in to me and I had a flash back of the past. I can easily recall the same images that were placed in to a corner of my mind all I do is draw a little blood. A broken can. The alarmingly sharp corners stick up in all directions soaked in my own blood. I grabbed the can at an angle and struck my finger with one of the smaller corners. A small pang of pain shot up my wrist, I winced. As the single drop of blood dropped mercifully from my bloody finger, the images filled my mind.
A young women tied to a post in the shape of a cross. In the middle of a deserted forest a fire blazed happily yet solemnly away in front of her. Her face struck with tears and cloaked in bruises. Soaked in blood, sweat and tears, she cackled slowly with a cunning look on her bewildered face. Suddenly her beautiful blue eyes turned green. Then came the unfamiliar voice.
"Azril" The voice said from behind her. "You ready?" He asked
"Luke" The women said. "You came." She shouted with a delighted look on her face that disgusted me. "Thought you'd ditch me," she continued but in another voice she said "me? Poor old me? poor old little old me? Oh Lucas my boy you wouldn't" her voice was high and squeaky it scared me. "Can I have those little kiddies yet? They will have rich lives" She slurred
Then came the endless cackling, the women's merciful laugh disgusted me, made me sick.
"Stupid women" The voice said again "You think I care about those brats? They have brought my life misery and despair, I would kill them myself" He continued.
"And that comes with the disease of being a parent I suppose, Luke" She spat his name like he was poison in her mouth. "Your poor, poor son and daughter, do you even know their names?"
"I don't need to know the devils name" He said, this guy Luke leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.
Wait I have never seen after the part where Luke threatens to kill his own children yet I am seeing more of this nightmare.
"Samuel and Peony" The women said. Blood filled my mouth, anger awoke inside me, I felt all hope and faith and love for seeing my mother once again slowly trickle out of me. Darkness cornered me and I fell in to deep deep darkness.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,830 Reviews
Timmy here!
Hopefully you enjoy the ride.
So before I head into this piece, let me just tell you that I have not read the previous chapters at all, so my review may be just sticking to the facts - all technical issues and such I stumble across while reading this. Hopefully I can find enough to talk about! This work already seems well-written, and I have only read the beginning.
On novel chapters, I make comments and critique as I go along, so I will just begin.
Comma after arms
Comma after breathe
This typo was almost funny since I play the piano. xD I think you meant minutes
You need a comma after laughing
So you may have noticed that each and every one of my nitpicks has so far been on commas. And, yeah, that seems to be an issue with your writing. Your biggest issue, I would go so far to say. What I think you need to do is read other books, and instead of focusing on the story - this time focus on the placement of commas. With books, I tried to read the grammar and English books... and none of them seemed to help me much. But looking at other writer's work and seeing how they placed commas - that helped me so much and I think you would benefit from it, too. If you can learn from a text book, then perhaps this article will help you somewhat. I have given it to other people before, and it seems to be helpful. In reality and all, using commas properly will come in time. To tell you the truth, I have always had issue with putting them in the proper spots. A year ago, I had comma mistake after mistake - me learning nothing about it. Then I found YWS, and I started reading and reviewing... and looking at pieces constantly, searching to see the proper placement of commas - I have become better at doing them. Still a lot to learn, but just seeing other people's work and taking note of their usage has really helped me.
So I had a slight issue with this part, and really, the entire fight together. It didn't seem to work for me. Like this part above ^^^, when I read through it and saw that there was a "bite mark" on his neck, I went "Whaaa?" Because a wolf, if he bit someone on the neck... ouch. It wouldn't just be a bite mark on their neck. Their neck would be broken, and their juggler vein cut open. Dead Wish. Wolves are extremely powerful creatures, and they would be so difficult to kill. When I say difficult, I mean just almost impossible. They are so powerful, so deadly. Just a few of them can take down an entire elk without problems. Comparing them with a big dog, they're far more dangerous - and people die from dog attacks all the time. Okay, here is what I am saying: I don't think however much training with judo or karate (especially since both are purely sports - not self defense) would make a difference with only an ice dagger thing for a weapon. They would need more in order to properly fight them off - and survive. Also, if they did kill them, I would think there would be some wounded wolves retreating out - not dying immediately where they were stabbed. I know this may seem like just a mindless ramble, and I may be incorrect and it isn't like I have researched on them, but it did seem a bit unrealistic to me.
I think you did a wonderful job on this, and I really love both the action in this and the spunk in the character. Your writing style with the action and everything really has a way of sucking me into your book and just entrancing me while I read. I love that so much. And while I read the piece, I can really feel what your characters feel. Not many writers can do that effectively, and you did it so well. I just love how you did so well with the character interaction. You're doing wonderful. If you need another reviewer for this book... well, I would love to.
~Darth Timmyjake
I like it. I've decided though that I need to read the first two chapters, though. :/ I am VERY new to this website, so let me see if I can follow you. I am pending further review until I read the first two chapters. Thanks a bunch!
Hi! Cricket here for a review!
Saw that you had posted another chapter of this, and figured I should take a quick look.
And now we have this action/romance chapter! Yay! Nothing is awesomer than mixing the two sometimes, and it seems you've done a fine job at it. I will be talking about how you can improve on some spots with mixing the two, but for right now you did great with it.
Another thing that I really liked was how realistic your dialogue is. Some people like to make the mistake of doing flowery dialogue that people would never say in real life, not to mention would even think of saying. But here, you have a good strong sense of what is realistic and what isn't. Keep it up.
Now there's this one thing that I know you're probably sick of me talking about, but I'm afraid I must do it again. GRAMMAR. Sometimes we don't grammar is important because it's not building a world, or it's not creating a character, but it actually is. Look at it this way. If you're trying to get across to a reader that so and so is depressed and is just a general no good, then you'd be using examples and stuff like that, right? But when the reader is going through and reading your work, they won't be thinking about how depressed this person is, but how there are some grammar mistakes. Now, I'm not saying that your grammar is particularly bad, in fact it's pretty darn good. But it still needs some work. I'm going to go through and nitpick some parts and then you can glean what you want from there.
You wouldn't be using a colon here, but a semi-colon I believe.
Needs a comma right there.
Usually always you will find that you will need a comma after the word well.
Well, here we see a run-on sentence of sorts. I'd suggest just making it two separate sentences! Cut it off after things and have the rest become a new sentence.
For one, tongue is spelled wrong, but I have another problem here. This just sounds... ewwwwwwwww. Honestly, why would you stick your tongue inside of someone's MOUTH? I may not be up to date in the latest kissing fashions, but I can tell you this much-that is not hygienic at all. And it also just made me want to puke, it grossed me out so much. I'd really suggest getting rid of it and finding some other way of showing how much they care about each other. Okay? A suggestion of mine, but I would really, really advise it if you did take it.
I can't seem to make head's or tails out of this one, really! It seems almost redundant in parts but then not so. Also, there's some commas and periods missing. Look at it this way. A sentence, just like a paragraph, represents a single idea. Now if there's more than one idea in the sentence, then try and cut it out. These sentences do need a little work, but just study them out and try and see how you might fix the grammar mistakes and you'll be doing awesome.
Poor Wish... that must hurt a lot. What I didn't like here was how sudden the transition was. Look, when you're kissing someone I understand if you're slightly not all there from it, but not being able to hear that while kissing? Nahh, maybe have it to where they start to pull away because they hear it. Like they jerk away from each other, to see what's going on. Sound good?
Umm, why? Every being cry's out when in pain. Why not, Wish?
Here you have a problem with your contractions. It should be its and not it's.
It's=It is
Its=Meaning in possessive form
Say what, again? I don't it. She's admiring Sam while he's asleep and covered in blood? That just doesn't make any sense to me.
Comma's after oh's as well.
Here's something that I see all throughout your work. You are constantly forgetting periods, and at the end of a sentence it's essential that you don't. Just think of periods as a sign that the idea is ended and a new one needs to begin, but before you do so, you have to make sure that period is there. Make sense?
This is something that is all throughout the piece, so I thought I'd save it for my last nitpick. I've been noticing some problems with your punctuation dialogue. Such as you would put a period where there should be a comma after dialogue, ect.., This article here] should explain all of that, and also correct capitalization with a dialogue tag (dialogue tag-such as, he said, she said and so forth). It's a fascinating read, and I'd highly suggest reading it and applying it to your writing.
OK, I think that's about it from me! You have a great story going so far, and I can't wait for Chapter 4 to come out! Just work on your grammar to try and make sure that your point is coming across as clear as it possibly can. I hope this review helped you, and please tell me when you post the next chapter.
Keep writing!
~Cricket