z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Frozen Hope- chapter 5

by EPICnumber1


Sophia

Picture a valley. Green, green as can be with flowers the colours of the rainbow dancing in a small breeze. Picture the two mountains side by side, hand in hand. lonely in a crowd of outcasts. The walls of the valley slump in to one another yet tower above any tree. A peaceful society of only dancing plants and grazing animals. A hopeful future. The sun casting it's powerful rays down and reflecting off innocent pools and morning dew. But what really brought the valley alive was the remaining leaves of autumn that dotted the grass it brought sense and faith that this senseless summer would soon be over. And it was. Picture that but with white snow and as cold as the inside as a freezer. That's where we were. Trudging through crusty snow covered leaves and slippery rocks.

Sam

Last time I went to a valley it was part of a national park and a sunny one. I feel misery take hold of my freezing body. I welcomed it. Kira walks about ten metres in front of us watching out for mountain lions that dominate these valleys. I clutch on to Sophia's hand like it's a matter of life or death. Danny shivers a lot and Soph shakes her head and her body every now and again to get the blood flowing around her body. Kira doesn't care she marches ahead of us like she's leading a marching band. I don't care well not now but I might when we get to... this place... where we're going. Kira has ignored us for the past six hours she didn't even notice we were following her until she turned her head and nodded.

Danny

The new girl says there will be mountain lions and wolves and other big dogs and cats so stay alert. I think we are out here to find another pet. I have only seen a mountain lion once and that was at the zoo last year and I had to literally beg my mom to let us take it home but then a nasty man came and asked us to leave. I was grounded for months. If we saw a mountain lion I would scream and beg Sam and Sophia and the new girl to let me keep him because there doesn't look like there would be anyone to throw us out.

Sophia

I have watched Wish limp for miles now and he whimpers if his tiny damaged voice can squeeze it out.  Poor poor Wish...

Sam

"Hey lets play a game" I say after a long six hour silence.

"No games" Kira shouted back.

"I wasn't asking you" I shout

"Whatever" She replies

"Soph?"

"I'm k...k...kind...kind of cold" She uttered over the brisk wind.

"Well that's why I asked to play a game so you can warm up" I say

"Why?"

"Because It's flipping boring!" I shout but her scared expression looking up at me begged me to recoil. "Sorry" I mutter. We walked for what seemed like another six hours and as the sky grew darker we grew more and more tired. We marched asleep, trudging in snow and slush even Kira collapsed twice. Sophia's eyes were now just dark slits in her face, Danny slumped in to my shoulder as I had to carry him, asleep.

"Can we set up camp?" I ask but something broke in my voice when I saw the movement in the bushes ahead. The valley had become a labyrinth engulfed in darkness and the dancing flowers and the sunny pools were shrubs of an unnatural substance and puddles of trodden on slush.

"No we're nearly there" Kira shouted over the howling wind but she didn't notice the movement, she didn't feel the millions of eyes staring at her. Yet... she did I could tell as her face was distorted with fear then an "ouch" Came from the same place. Her expression settled back to it's old self. The voice however sounded young and male.

"Christian" Kira called loudly, "I know you're there" Sophia looked up but then when she saw him she looked back at the slush and rock she was trying to avoid.

"Hello Kira" He said as he stood up. He wore an orange jumpsuit that really didn't suit this weather but a logo was hidden behind a long thick lock of ginger hair. "Damn it" He cursed at a figure beside him, "I told you this was a bad place to hide Izzy"  

"Isabel?" Kira called, "You're here too?" Slowly a young girl about the age of Sophia stood up from behind the bush. She wore the same orange jumpsuit but her hair was blonde and came up to her ears so I could make out the purple logo with the letters HWFC below it which I presumed stood for: house with four chimneys. "Hello Kira" She said nervously.

"What are you doing here?!" She asked surprised

"Spying, stalking, all orders of Xavier" Christian said happily. "And I see you have gathered some new victims Kira" Christian glared at me and Sophia, he stared at Wish below Danny and he watched Danny sleep in my arms.

"Yeah well Xavier isn't even a soldier yet and what would Lucifer make of this, huh?" Kira scolded.

"Kira?" Sophia asked who looked worried and her face was cloaked with fear of the new people.

"Oh yeah" Kira said as if she had forgotten we were there. " This is Sam, Sophia and Danny" She gestured to the weak boy in my arms. "Oh and Wish, the puppy who needs urgent medical attention" She continued.

"Well it's nice to meet you" Isabel said. I nodded a reply.

"Can we talk inside?" Christian asked gesturing to a mountain face. We followed Kira, Isabel and Christian to the mountain face, Danny had woken up so I dropped him and curled my fingers around his. I didn't ask why we were walking to a random mountain but somehow this one looked different than the others and when I pressed my hand up it, it felt different it was taller than the others and glistened differently in the morning sunlight which I hadn't notice rise.

"Kira, what's going on?" Danny asked.

"Oh god just walk quickly and you'll see" She replied impatiently. So I quickened my pace and caught up with Kira and as my gloved fingers were still entwined with Danny and Sophia's gloved fingers they were forced to speed up too. We marched up to Kira and the others and watched Kira feel around the mountain for a while until finally a part of the rock was pushed in to it's self and the mountain opened in to a carpeted room. The room looked mysterious, a golden chandelier hung over a glass table and a bull head was attached to the far wall.  

"Three more for you sir" Kira said proudly to a man at a desk I hadn't noticed. He wore a soldier's uniform and his soft black hair was covered by a cap.

"Kira, have you tested them?" He asked

"Yeah, yeah all done they have powers and stuff, no family to speak of, all dead with the Calloptira" Kira said. Calloptira I said this over and over again in my head to remember it so it's engraved in my brain, so that word can weave in and out of all those dark crevices that cloak my twisted mind.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
93 Reviews


Points: 184
Reviews: 93

Donate
Sun Mar 29, 2015 2:20 pm
Sylar wrote a review...



Hello @EPICnumber1! It's @Sylar here for another review on this lovely March review day. Now, I have not read the other 4 chapters of this piece, but I'll try to review as best I can! As a whole, I quite enjoyed your piece! The story was quite interesting. I really liked the kind of "POVS" you had at the beginning, and I suggest that if you don't have those in the other chapters, you should.

My biggest problem was that there were lots of issues when it came to spelling and grammar.

"Oh yeah" Kira said as if she had forgotten we were there. " This is Sam, Sophia and Danny" She gestured to the weak boy in my arms.
I think you forgot about the grammar of writing dialogue in a story! First of all, you need a comma inside the quotes after every sentence. Also, no extra space between the quote and the dialogue!

Aside from that, your story was good. But, you really really need to proofread this entire piece, and maybe the story as a whole!

Great job!




User avatar
6 Reviews


Points: 401
Reviews: 6

Donate
Sun Mar 29, 2015 1:33 am
FourThorns wrote a review...



Hello! Sorry you had to wait so long for a first review!
So, what I notice off the bat is that you've got a good sense of setting-I can really picture it. I think your story is going to be very well executed as it unfolds, with a steady plot. Here are some things I think you can improve on-
For the first paragraph, you don't really need a perspective, do you? If all your characters are in the same place, that is. This is because none of Sofia's personality/life is or even needs to be revealed in the first chunk of words. Either I would take out the 'Sophia' headline altogether, or give the words some details that relate to her so that there's a reason for her to be the one speaking first.
Furthermore, I'd like to know more about the relationship between the characters. It seems like they have been friends for at least a few months, but I don't know anything about why they're friends. It's a tricky thing to thread information through a story...a delicate balance. But I wouldn't sweat it too much. Just think about your characters' past (and inadvertently write about them) when your character would. That might be some confusing advice to follow, but I would think about it.
The last thing I'm going to bring up is the grammar stuff, like, for example, comma placement. Commas really aren't that hard once you get the hang of them, but they're tough at first. The best way to tell when to put a comma is to speak the sentence out loud. For example, if I'm at my friends house and I ask if I canhave a burrito, I'd say, "Hey, [friend], could I have a burrito?" The commas are where I pause for a split-second while speaking the sentence.
Also, remember to add periods. That's a big one.
Here's a sentence from your story:

"Christian" Kira called loudly, "I know you're there"


and here is the grammatically revised sentence:
"Christian," Kira called loudly, "I know you're there."

But this is only one way to do it. You could put an exclamation point after 'there' instead of a period to make the sentence more desperate and/or loud-sounding.

I would take this review with a grain of salt, since I'm not a professional author or editor, obviously. But I do hope I helped.
Continue with this story. It's intriguing!
~Thorns





What's stopping you?
— David Mamet