We sat in an eerie silence. The only sound that could be heard was Wish panting, Danny and I breathing. We stared at Sam lying limp on the floor, his bony legs curled under him. Nither of us dared to touch Sam, so he just lay there unconsious. Wish barked every now and then but his voice was silent to us. Nobody spoke, nobody breathed, nobody knew what had happened. Danny was in and out of short naps while I just stared at the unconsious boy who lay before me. We sat crunching crackers and chewing old sweets that Danny and Sam had brought, I played the death of their sisters and mother over and over again in my mind yet I think there is still one puzzle piece missing.
My unusually healed leg was painless now after Sam's interlude. Yet I still feel as if it should be there, it should still be throbbing and bleeding but it wasn't. We sat on a blanket of ice and snow, a patchwork of the two.
"I have an idea," I say breaking the silence, listening to it shatter like glass.
"Yeah...?" Danny replies knowing the silence is truely gone. I think he winced at the force of my words to the eerie silence.
"Pass me that ice on the floor" I say quietly at first, trying out the sound of my scratchy voice. He pulled hard at the cold ice, frowning when his fingers slipped off. I crawled over to him but it hurt to move because my legs had gone numb to bone. I yanked the ice, breaking numerous nails in the process. It finnaly broke and slipped in to my pale hands. I shuffled over to Sam, who hadn't even moved since he fell, I reached down the back of his sweaty shirt and dropped the ice.
His body jolted up, he glanced around then his dark blue eyes landed on me, I winced waiting for the curses but they didn't come. I slowly opened one eye at a time to see Sam's arms spread wide around my body, the imense force bound my body against his. I found my arms lifting to hug him back.
"Thank you", Sam mutters under his breath but I heared the words like a scream shattering my ear drum.
"No need", I whisper back under my icy breath.
Our embrace lasted for two seconds longer until he drew back and hugged Danny but I don't even have to look at his face to know he's blushing.
Sam and I sat todether on the edge of the moutain with our legs hanging precariously over the side of it, we had our backs to the dark gloomy cave and focused on the breath-taking view. I hadn't noticed Sam put his arm awkwardly around my shoulder and my head relaxing on his bony shoulder.
I mind knew he was there before my eyes did. I imagine him standing up straight with his clothes battered, ripped and torn. He smelt to high heaven and he sounded like a horse when he spoke. My little brother Danny who now looks much younger than he actually is. My head spun around facing him but he looked worse han I had imagined. His blue t-shirt was now grey and a great big hole was showing his cute little bellybutton, his hair was greesy and a mess, he was covered in dirt and now and his pink skin was now a cold pale white. With out saying anything he limped over to me and sat on the edge of the towering mountain I put my arm round his shoulders and his head fell on to my shoulders.
We watched as the mountains swallowed up the sun, we wated the day end and the night begin, we watched the darkness fall. The stars glistened and the moon lit up the night, a full moon. I felt Sofia's breathing slow right down to a pace of peaceful sleep.
I felt Sam leave me but I made sure he knew I was asleep before I got up. The sun had sunk below the mountains and I wasready to leave the cave. I sat up and scanned the surroundings, Sam was sitting in the cave playing with Dan and Wish. I sat on the ledge smiling and wishing he would ever be happy again.
I snatched the last piece of meat from Sams bag and lay it just outside the cave, Wish should smell it and we could leave. One more problem, I don't want to leave, not with out Sam anyway. I watched the sky go black and soon Wish was by my side but Sam follow him and found me crying in to my knees. Without hesitating I wrapped my arms around him and cried in to his chest. I had no idea why I was crying but it felt good.
"Hey, hey what's the matter?" Sam asks.
"Nothing" I lie, wiping away the tears.
"Look I know you want to go and leave this cave but we can't, you know we can't" He says reasuringly but I don't feel reasurred.
"Why Sam?" I shout at him.
"You're injured!" He screams back.
"Sam..."I push him away from me " I'm not hurt anymore"
"What... what do you mean?" He asked confused. I pulled my skirt up to show him my pale skin with no wound. "W...what?" He asks again dumbfounded but I give him a reasuring hug and pull Wish on to my lap and weep in to his fur.
She's fine we could leave. We could walk another hundred miles but for what? So she can hurt herself again. Staying in a cold eerie cave for nothing. I am glad she is well and safe again but why did she lie to me?
"Sam I'm sorry" I hear her whisper so quietly that I could have missed it if I was trying to breathe.
"Soph it's ok" I whisper back unable to confidently brake the silence.
"Are you mad?" She asks.
"No just...disappointed" I reply with honesty. Danny is lying in a corner undisturbed by our quiet little convocation. I feel Sophia's arms wrap around me from behind and then I feel my back go wet and suddenly the silence falls, broken by Sophia's sobs.
What's the point? Sam forgives me and Wish is lonely with out me and poor Danny, poor poor Danny. Sisters dead and for what? To live in this stupid cave for days on end? Still, I cuddle Sam next to me, I feel his steady heart beat effortlessly against my own adrenaline fuelled heart pounding quickly against my chest. I whisper in his ear how to get out of this cave but I am not sure whether I am lying or not.
He used to smell like raspberries but now he smells like dirt and sweat and urine. He used to have beautiful thick hair and rosy red lips but now he has thin limp hair and cold thin lips. The point? To keep him alive, also to keep Danny and Wish alive. How? By leaving them. By me leaving it's just one less mouth to feed, one less person absorbing the heat off the fires we build, one less person for them to worry about. My plan? To leave tomorrow night when everyone is asleep and when it is my turn for watch out. Easy.
My limbs ache with fear. Most of all they ache from lying on this cold hard stone floor every night but lying next to Sophia makes me dread it a little less. Her arms are bound round me and my arms are bound round Danny and Danny's arms are bound round Wish. We lye like spoons. "I know you're awake" Sophia whispers in to my ear, breaking the unbreakable silence.
"I know" I lie.
"Sam? Why don't we leave?" She asks
"Because you need to find your strength and plus spring is just round the corner".
"So that's your plan? To wait till spring!" she says angrily
"Um yeah is that a problem?" I shoot back.
"No" she says suddenly calmed. I kiss her but her lips taste of dirt. She frowns and pulls away.
"Why did you do that?" she asks angry again
"Because... because... I don't know, maybe there's something about you Sophia Crutz" I say back but I try to keep my tone as calm as possible.
"Sam I can't do this with you, I have known you for what? Two weeks?" Her words feel like lighting.
"Soph..." I stutter "Two weeks go by too fast in the FILC" I say
"FILC?" she questions
"Yeah fall in love cave " I say teasingly
"Huh, nice one" she smiles
"So does that mean you like me again?"
" Sam, Sam, Sam I never liked you to begin with" She says but she must have noticed my sudden frown and I feel the sudden anger bubbling like magma in side me. "I love you" She says before planting a kiss on my fore head then kissing my hard and long on the lips. She tasted like strawberries mixed with dirt.
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,817 Reviews
I think this story has potential to go far but it is really confusing... I have no clue what is with the italics or who is 'I' half the time. You switch your characters around to much, and I think that is what the italics where suppossed to represent, but you didn't give any proof of that theory.
Another thing I find is an issue is that it is chapter 2, and they have already kissed! You are going way to fast, think more into detail, visualise and describe what is going on. Your first chapter, in my opinion, only had a few minor errors. This chapter is all over the place. I thought wish was a dog, but now I am not sure, and what happend to sam, who knew Danny's sister, and why did she fall in love already. It feel like you already wrote your story out and when you typed it up, you copied down the wrong page. Which left us readers in the dark.
Hi! Cricket here for a review!
Hey, I remember you! I can't remember if I've reviewed for you recently, so I thought I'd come by and take a quick peek at what you have here.
Well I can certainly remember the first work that I had reviewed for you and I would like to say that you have improved immensely. Not like, you're improved a little, but like A LOT. Your sentence structure is getting to be extremely strong and well organized, not to mention the romance was beautiful. I actually have never tried romance as I just detest reading it, but here... I didn't get that feeling! I actually enjoyed the romance part, and I think you did a excellent job at not making this sappy and actually making it feel real.
What I didn't understand or like, was all the italics. Italics are used for differentiating between thought process and for also bringing out certain words that are seen as important at that moment. Here though, there is no reason for the italics, to where I'm slightly inclined to believe it was just an accident or something that they are here. I'd suggest running through and trying to take out the unnecessary italics and deciding which ones should be there or not. See, when I was reading at first I thought it must have been a memory or something, but then as I went further in I saw that it wasn't and was just the story going on and building. Great job on the building up with this chapter, by the way.
Also, don't you think this is a little too soon for this to have romance in it? I don't mean to go into storyline right now, but this is the second chapter and already there is a romance up and going. They're already kissing, too! That's a bit too sudden for my tastes. I'd suggest looking that over as well and trying to work out how you might be able to build that up a bit more in the future.
Alright, here I think your character, Sam, switches his mood waay too fast. I mean if he's trying to reassure her, then he has nooo business yelling at her. I mean duuhhh, she shouted first, but he should be working on making her feel better and understand than shouting at her. Just my thoughts on that.
Here I see two grammatical errors that are pretty consistent throughout the entire work, but I thought I'd use this as an example. Firstly you missed a period after the end of your sentence, and then you also need to uncaps the she. For proper punctuation look here] and you'll be able to see how to do it properly. This article will explain it waaay better than I ever could.
Alright, there are quite a number of grammatical errors here, but still... this is a massive improvement. I'd just suggest reading through it and looking up articles on grammar, and just basically researching and practicing. You have an amazing start and I can't wait to see what you can possibly do in the future. Keep up the amazing work!
Keep writing!
~Cricket
I found quite a few grammar mistakes. I haven't read any previous pieces of this novel, so I might ask questions that have already been answered.
We sat in an eerie silence. The only sound that could be heard was Wish panting, Danny and I breathing
The "Wish panting, Danny and I breathing" part sounds awkward, and needs to be revised. I'm thinking that maybe you could put: The only sound that could be heard was Wish panting, and Danny and I breathing.
I added in the "and" because it sounds like your making a statement when you say "Danny and I breathing" if somebody said that aloud to you, you would probably think: Uh...
people don't talk like that usually, it'd be "Danny and I are breathing"
My limbs ache with fear. Most of all they ache from lying on this cold hard stone floor every night but lying next to Sophia makes me dread it a little less. Her arms are bound round me and my arms are bound round Danny and Danny's arms are bound round Wish. We lye like spoons. "I know you're awake" Sophia whispers in to my ear, breaking the unbreakable silence.
"I know" I lie.
"Sam? Why don't we leave?" She asks
"Because you need to find your strength and plus spring is just round the corner".
"So that's your plan? To wait till spring!" she says angrily
"Um yeah is that a problem?" I shoot back.
"No" she says suddenly calmed. I kiss her but her lips taste of dirt. She frowns and pulls away.
"Why did you do that?" she asks angry again
"Because... because... I don't know, maybe there's something about you Sophia Crutz" I say back but I try to keep my tone as calm as possible.
"Sam I can't do this with you, I have known you for what? Two weeks?" Her words feel like lighting.
"Soph..." I stutter "Two weeks go by too fast in the FILC" I say
"FILC?" she questions
"Yeah fall in love cave " I say teasingly
"Huh, nice one" she smiles
"So does that mean you like me again?"
" Sam, Sam, Sam I never liked you to begin with" She says but she must have noticed my sudden frown and I feel the sudden anger bubbling like magma in side me. "I love you" She says before planting a kiss on my fore head then kissing my hard and long on the lips. She tasted like strawberries mixed with dirt.
All of that up there. Why exactly is it in italics? It's just them talking, so it shouldn't be in there. That's only when somebody is thinking or emphasizing a word.
Okay so that "Sam, Sam Sam I never liked you to begin with" part was incorrect. You are supposed to put a comma after "with" because it is dialogue, the same as ending a sentence. You also need to put a comma between "sudden frown" and "I feel". You also need to put a comma after "I love you" same thing as before.
Ex: "I love you,"
The word "she" wouldn't be capitalized after the character says "I love you" because it isn't the beginning of a sentence. Forehead is one word, it doesn't need a space. You also need to a put a comma between "forehead" and "then"
"Yeah fall in love cave " I say teasingly
Period after teasingly. Comma after cave.
"FILC?" she questions
Period after questions.
Sam? Why don't we leave?" She asks
Period after asks.
"No" she says[,] suddenly calmed. I kiss her[;] but her lips taste of dirt. She frowns and pulls away.
Why did you do that?" she asks angry again
Period after again, comma after "she asks"
"Because... because... I don't know, maybe there's something about you Sophia Crutz" I say back but I try to keep my tone as calm as possible.
Comma after "Crutz" and a comma after "say back".
Hello, love! Aurora here with a quick review day review for you! I haven't read any of the previous installments of this novel, so you'll excuse me if I critique something you've addressed in one of your previous chapters!
Alright, let's get down to business. Nitpicks first?
The only sound that could be heard was Wish panting, Danny and I breathing.
Comma splice! Add an 'and' before Danny, and you'll be golden.
We stared at Sam lying limp on the floor, his bony legs curled under him. Nither of us dared to touch Sam, so he just lay there unconsious.
Change the second mention of 'Sam' to a 'him. Also, it's neither, not nither, and unconscious, not unconsious.
Nobody spoke, nobody breathed, nobody knew what had happened.
For a more dramatic climax to the sentence try: Nobody spoke, nobody breathed- and most importantly, nobody knew what had happened.
Danny was in and out of short naps while I just stared at the unconsious boy who lay before me.
First of all, this is grammatically incorrect- try: Danny faded in and out of sleep while I just stared at the unconscious boy who lay before me.
Second of all, who could sleep with a body in front of them?!
We sat crunching crackers and chewing old sweets that Danny and Sam had brought,
If Danny was sleeping, how is he also eating? Anyway, comma after sat.
yet I think there is still one puzzle piece missing.
Comma before yet, and you switched tenses here
That's all I have for you, love.
Keep persisting.
~Aurora