Sophia
I can't sleep. A tornado of nightmares swirl around my mind, forcing me to wake but instead I find out I just kick Sam and Danny in the process. Every day I wake with heavy bags under my eyes, so does Sam and Danny. Wish might die, I think, his wound from the wolves has become infected and he is still losing a lot of blood but Sam has made a bandage from his shirt and tied it round the wound to stop the bleeding. Right now Wish lies in a heap on the freezing floor in a pool of dried blood.
That question reopened a closed and forgotten memory. The night my mom died and my sister disappeared. I felt a small tear slowly crawl down my cheek and drip on to my lap. To have that night suddenly come back to me is terrifying so... there isn't a word for my emotions right now but I must assure you if I was to say the word it wouldn't be one that you'd repeat in front of your children. When I found my mom lying in a pool of her own blood I saw that same green glowing light shine through the window just a sliver at first, but then it grew. It grew to blind me. It grew to light the room on fire, not the house just the room. It grew so big that that was the reason I ran away to the cave. To hide from the killing light, to hide from the fire that doesn't burn.
Sam
She was immobilised. Shaking. Obviously trying to move, but can't. I tap her shoulder lightly but it's like she doesn't know I'm there, she doesn't look up or even change expression she just shakes and shakes. Immobilised.
Sophia
I speak. Quietly, so quiet that he doesn't notice at first but when I look up at him he is staring at me with a worrying look in his eyes, but his face tells a completely different story. He is tapping me but I can't feel it. I glance down to my body to find that I'm shaking. I can't speak anymore just a little mouse squeak that doesn't even sound like my voice. The green glow fills my vision so that I can't see Sam anymore or Danny or Wish. Just bright neon green. The image of my mom lying limp on the red carpet or blood stained carpet there was too much blood to know what colour the carpet was. Anyway the solemn image fills my mind, it's all I see until my mom's eyes shoot open and I see her beautiful blue eyes turn neon green, the same green that is shining through the cave right now. I feel the whole world turn upside down and everything goes black.
Sam
She tried to stand up and speak but it wasn't her voice. She muttered a word that might be 'mom' but I'm not sure. She screamed an ear splitting scream so loud a few icicles fell off the ceiling and fell on the floor. But the scream wasn't just a scream, it sounded like she was truly afraid, terrified more like. For the first time in my life I was scared of Sophia Crutz.
Sophia
I dreamt of the wolf attack, of the murders and yet I think to myself; we might not be the only ones. I try to open my eyes but it's like trying to get a pig to fly. Impossible. Suddenly I feel pain. My head feels like someone has just threw a hammer at it, small sharp hunger pains eat away at me. I feel alone. Even though I know Sam and Danny and Wish is there I know I'm alone. No one to comfort me, no one to know what I'm going through. Alone, that's me.
Sam
Okay, it's okay, she's awake, I think. The second her heart rate quickens I softly shake her body and I get a low groan out of her. She looks tired with bags under her eyes, her head is bleeding and looks painful and she looks remarkably thin. She tries to stand but I immediately sit her back down on the cold icy floor. "Sam" She struggles
"Sophia, it's okay, it's okay don't you worry now" I say reassuringly
"No Sam my mom, the light, we aren't the only ones"
"Other people, other people have been killed, we have been chosen Sam, we have been....." She stutters then trails off in to another deep sleep.
Danny
I don't know what's going on. Sophia and Sam kissed, now Sophia is now in some sort of deep sleep that she keeps waking up from. Sam is being a worry guts cause I bet Sophia is faking, this is just a game I bet Mommy and Daddy will come bursting in with Mia and Peony and say "There's our brave soldier, there's our brave boy, it's okay you can come home now' I bet that what ever is behind the fake walls is just part of the game and the green light? That's just show stuff. I bet this is just a set up and Sophia will wake up any minute and Sam will just make out like this was one big joke. I'm used to jokes, Sam used to play pranks on me when he was younger, I have learned not to be a baby and think this night mares real when it's not.
Sophia
Jumbled up words scatter my brain. Something about there being others like us so when I regained a few seconds of consciousness I warned Sam, I bet Danny heard too. I can feel Sam's rapid heart beat like small drum in his chest. Blood tastes bitter yet strong on my tongue. I think we have to meet, follow the green light it told me, never leave a player behind. Sounded like a foreign language but I understood it.
I told my self to wake up and suddenly I regained my consciousness but the first thing I did was hug Sam. "I'm scared Sam" I utter
"Me too" He says
"We got to get out of here" I whisper
"I know, I know" He says reassuringly. He kisses my forehead and hands me a piece of wolf meat I refuse it but he insists so I take the meat and eat it in four mouthfuls. Stale milk seems like a treat here so the bitter liquid trickles down my throat and I welcome it.
3 weeks later
Sam
"Soph, we need to talk"
"Yeah sure 'bout what?"
"About Danny and I....."
"Well shouldn't you tell Danny" She cuts me off.
I thought this would be the right time to tell her about my past but she's right, its none of her business.
Sophia
I watch the beautiful view from our mountain cave, the way the trees are in line with each other but each one cloaked in snow. I saw the pale light of dawn creep up the horizon. The sky that loomed above us changed from jet black to the magical colours of dawn in a matter of seconds.
"Excuse me?" An unfamiliar voice said from behind, a voice that sounded female and young. As quick as lightning I span my head to face the tall blonde girl who loomed above me, her hair was clean and her clothes looked new. "I'm from the mansion?" She muttered
"Mansion?" Sam asked
"Yeah the big house spiralling smoke from four chimneys also known as the house with four chimneys?" She asked "Look you can see the smoke from the east chimney" and for sure if you looked extremely close you could just about make out a sliver of smoke just behind a tree.
"Sam?" I called "Why haven't we noticed this before?" I asked
"Maybe because we were too blind to see what's right under our nose?"
"Maybe"
"What's your name?" Sam asked
"My name? My name is Kira and I'm guessing you are the lone survivors of your families?"
"Wait how'd you know that?" I asked confused
"Well you wouldn't be here if you weren't plus only my sister and I have the power that's why we weren't killed too"
"Huh?" I was confused, my mind buzzing with what information she just bombarded us with.
"You each have a unique power, mine is that I can breathe under water, I have been sent by the high command of the four sections to find others with the power" A sudden pause even Danny looked up from his tick tack toe and Wish stopped barking at Kira.
"Why should we believe that?" I asked
"Because of this" She pulled a small device from her pocket and held it high in the air. "This is the PAMF" She said but she must have seen the blind confusion that was sprawled across my face. "Power And Magic Finder" She said with out blinking. Kira held the device to my head and smiled happily. She pulled it away when the machine beeped twice. "You want to know your power?"
I wasn't sure I did but I found myself nodding anyway. "You have some sort of future telling power had anything happen to you lately that was out of the ordinary?" She asked. I could think of a million things out of the ordinary like my mom died and my sister is lost oh and did I mention a wolf attack and almost dying of starvation and passing out and having crazy dreams"
"I passed out with a crazy dream" I said solemnly but she ignored me and held the PAMF up to Sam's head. It beeps twice and Kira stared at it.
"You can see secrets, dark ones and this tells me you are quite good at your skill" Sam looked down at the slushy ice as a tear dropped from his eye yet Kira couldn't care less she was on to Danny who was confused to see a large metal beeping device on his head. I couldn't help but watch Sam's face turn from sad and exhausted and overwhelmed to an abandoned look, I scooted over to him, my butt dragging across the icy stone floor. I put my thin arm around his bony shoulders and as he looked up at my I saw his concaved, tear stained face smile up at me. He whipped away the remaining tears and hugged me but he was soon crying in my shoulder again.
"This boy can read people's mind" Kira said at last.
Danny didn't even look up from his lap as Kira announced his surreal power. All Kira said was those three words until the small humane part of her noticed Danny and Sam were crying softly and quietly. I thought she might comfort them I thought she might ask what's wrong. I studied her facial expressions carefully but she turned her head away. "Right then, I must bring you to the high command so you can get settled in to the HWFC and yes before you ask you can bring your friend" She said glancing down to Wish.
"Who the hell is high command?" Sam asked angrily.
"The high command consists of Quinn Mcbury who is head of HWFC, Lola Verz and Will Chapman plus four other soldiers who are selected every month" She said. I wondered about on who those mysterious people were but I didn't want to ask because I didn't want to seem like I was dumb also I didn't want to get any answers I might regret asking the question to.
"Fine" I said dismissively "when do we leave?"
"Now, today" She said triumphantly
"Is there food and water and a bed?" I asked
"Yeah there's all that and a hell of a lot more" She shouted
"I'm fine with leaving" I said openly. I just wanted to get out of this cave and go somewhere with central heating.
"I just want central heating" I said and exaggerated a shiver.
"Yeah central heating would be awesome, spectacular, the best Christmas present ever" Sam said lifting the gloomy atmosphere.
"It's June, and it's central heating" Kira said as if we didn't know what central heating was.
"Don't care, I ain't seen central heating for ages" Sam said slowly
"You mean felt it" Kira said
"Shut up Kira, you're ruining the central heating filled moment"
"There's no central heating in here" Kira admitted
"SHUT UP KIRA" Sam and I shouted simultaneously. Suddenly we collapsed in to a pit of laughter, we lay on the floor just giggling about nothing but it was sure nice to laugh again I thought I couldn't anymore.
Sam
"Oh god I could kiss you" I said in between giggles.
"Now, now Sammy, we're not that close" Sophia said childishly. I just wanted to kiss her because we haven't had a moment like this where we agree on anything. I just wanted to keep that moment and never lock it away. Instead I kissed her on the forehead and I got a mouthful of grease, garlic and sweat.
"Ew you really need a bath I hope where we're going has at least twenty bathing facilities" I said mockingly.
"Oh you asked for it" She said. Sophia stood up and walked over to the one side of the cave, I lay intrigued for what she might do. I think I'm in love. She turned around and smiled menacingly at me and held up a long blunt icicle.
"You ready?" She asked
"Where you gonna stick that?" I asked with a laugh
"Come and see" She said
"Wow talk about intimidation" I shouted
"I intimidate you?"
"Who doesn't?" I replied
"Oh ha ha you got me in hysterics ice boy"
"Ice boy?" I asked looked at the ground planning my escape route. Suddenly I felt a cold wet piece of ice travel down my spine and out the back of my top. I screamed so loud I think Sophia backed away.
"Huh girly scream?" Sophia said mockingly from behind me. I smiled at her and dived at her ankles knocking her over so she fell on her butt and me on top of her and she had the girly scream. "You can't say anything because I AM a girl" She said. I moved my elbows so I wasn't squishing her. She leaned in to my face and I did the same, I allowed that romantic filled moment block out all my senses but sight and touch.
"Can I kiss you now?" I whispered in to her cheek.
"Maybe later" She said pushing me off so I grabbed a little piece of snow and threw it at her, defeated. I turned all my attention to Kira who had been trying to get our attention for ages.
Sophia
I stopped laughing. I smiled at Sam. "Okay, I need to take you there now" Kira said interrupting our conversation through body language.
"Central heating?" Danny asked which even made Kira smile and Sam and I in stifles of laughter again.
"Okay, okay" Kira shouted gaining our attention. "Pack, all of you" She shouted.
"Wow she sounds like my moth... teacher" He obviously avoiding the word mother and replacing it with teacher. I smiled at him but tears pooled in his eyes.
We packed the remains of the wolf meat for the journey, remains of water, I made Wish a little lead out of leaves form the trees so he wouldn't run of, Sam grabbed Danny's hand and walked him out of the cave. It's a relief to finally be out of the wretched cave but I also felt longing to keep the memories that were made there, not all good but some. Sam and I walked together, Sam clinging on to Danny's wrist for dear life. Fresh air is new to me and cold because the second I stepped out of the cave I got a full blast of it in my face. In a matter of seconds the pale orange sky turned to pink then to jet black and we were engulfed in darkness.
End of chapter
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I think that you could drag this out more and instead of them just being in a cave entire time, perhaps they could do something else? I know I haven't read the previous chapters, but readers start to loose interest if you keep this up. I noticed that in your dialogue, you don't put periods at the end, which you need. I didn't understand well enough how they got out of the cave-well, sort of, but it seemed to fast. The big thing you need to work on in this story is dialogue punctuation.

"Fine" I said "when do we leave?"
There should be a comma after 'I said', and a comma after 'fine', since it's in dialogue.
"Now, today" She claimed
How is she claiming this if she is saying that they will be leaving today? Claiming something is when your saying something without giving any proof. There should be a period after 'claimed' and a comma after 'today'. 'She' isn't in capitals because it isn't a name.
"Is there food and water and a bed?" I asked
There should be a comma after 'bed' because commas are always needed at the end of dialogue, and a period after 'I asked'.
"Yeah there's all that and a hell of a lot more" She shouted
'She' isn't capitalized, unless it's the beginning of a sentence, and there should be a comma at the end of the dialogue.
"I'm fine with leaving" I said openly
You need a period after 'openly' and a comma after 'leaving'.
"Yeah as long as there's a warm bed and a nice breakfast to wake up to every morning I have no problem with leaving" Sam said
There should be a comma after 'yeah' and another one after 'every morning', and then a comma at the end of the dialogue, and a period after 'said'.
"You alright with that Danny?" I asked
A period after 'asked'.
"No! I want to see mommy and daddy"
A comma after 'daddy'.
"He's alright with it" I add.
A comma after 'it'.
If you want more help, you can always look at this site for reference: http://www.writerlylife.com/2010/09/how ... HtUi410xYc
I also found that parting it into sections was distracting, and jarred the flow. In fact, it kind of made me want to stop reading it-especially the first two parts where Sophia is talking twice, but it is cut into sections.
Also when you are doing this long flow of dialogue with no interruptions, I think you should describe hand gestures, expressions on their faces as they talk, or the little kid (I think) pouting when he said "No! I want to see mommy and daddy!", etc.
This is open to improvement and has potential, but I suggest changing the sections because it interrupts the flow, dialogue improvements, and explaining more in-depth how they suddenly got out of the cave.
Good luck!
Hey, EPIC! Raven here for a review! I have reviewed a work of yours before, but I haven't read Frozen Hope! So, here I am.
Brief warning: I have a tendency to be harsh in my reviews, and I haven't read the previous chapters... So: Here. We. Go!
The first paragraph really drew me into the story. Even though I had not read the former chapters, it made me feel for the character, and want to read on.
Nice metaphor. (That's actually what made me want to read on. It was a great describer, and I looove things that add images to writing.) You can actually see the flurry of thoughts in Sophia's mind, spinning around... (Okay, I'm gonna stop now.
Ooh, poor Wish-- I have no idea who he is really. However, I just have to feel bad for him. On the floor, in a pool of blood. Just: yikes! Being injured by wolves is just *shudders* I hope he doesn't die... (Oh, pull it together, Raven. You've only began to read this story.)
One thing I have a question about is the fact that every paragraph, a character's name is in bold. Is that to signify the POV change? Because, if someone were talking for two paragraphs in a row, then their name repeated two times is not necessary! Although, this is just a suggestion. That might just be a stylistic choice.
That seems... worded awkwardly? Maybe: ...lying limp on the red carpet—or was it stained with blood? There was too much blood to tell the colour of the floor anymore. Just, something I thought I could point out!
I just added in some punctuation right there. Also, maybe there could be more than "reassuringly" right there. Like, some descriptions of Sam's voice. How it might have cracked, or how it got really soft... Something to aid the reader in trying to see and hear the scene.
Hmm... Danny seems really young. With how his thoughts are worded-- I think he might be a bit of trouble for the group.
Anything to help us see what's going on? To taste the wolf meat? (I mean, I wouldn't want to eat wolf meat... but this makes me curious.) What does it look like? How does it taste? Is it stringy?
Does it taste like chicken?I like the story! Perhaps, I will be able to read the previous chapters! Keep on writing.
~Rae,
Thanks
Hi! Cricket here for a review!
When you had first asked me what to do for the next chapter I was a little speechless and a little worried, that I wouldn't be able to get enough plot in my mind to help you out. But from reading this I can definitely say that there is something that I suggest you do. How about drag this out a little more? Not them being in a cave. No, no. They've been in a cave for long enough, long enough to where the story has progressed but not too long to where it's boring. One thing I would suggest you not do is the whole boyfriend, girlfriend thing. Not yet at least. I'd suggest you drag this one out a little more, and have it happen in a dramatic scene, a scene that is more dramatic than this one. Them leaving the cave does make it seem rather final, but it's not nearly dramatic enough. So yeah, I think you could drag that one out just a wee bit more.
Next, I want it slowed down just a bit when they are leaving. When they left I was like Whaat? How'd that happen? xD I was completely surprised, but when it actually happened and then was done and over with I stopped and was like, How did that happen?. See what I mean? It was pretty sudden, not to mention I didn't have that clear image in my head of everything that I should have had.
If you like, and this is only if you like, you can leave this chapter the way it is for now with them as boyfriend and girlfriend and all that stuff, and move forward with it, just like this. There's no need to edit until you're done, is what I'm saying. So anyways, what you need to do now is find out where these others are. Before they leave, they need some sort of a plan. Saying that they're going to go and find the others isn't going to work unless they have some sort of direction in which they're going to head. Do they have somebody that they can trust? Outside of each other? Is there a general direction of which they're going to head. They are going to need a plan of sorts before leaving. It doesn't have to be a hugely complicated plan, but just one to where they know where they're going to be going. Even if they are thinking about heading in the direction of some village or just something like that. They need to have a plan of sorts before heading off on a wild goose chase. Get what I mean? So write out some sort of a plan that they have, and then build it off of there. Hope that made some sort of sense. ^ ^
I need to stress some more the importance of proper dialogue punctuation. Don't forget your commas and periods at the end of dialogue! It' doesn't make for a very smooth read, and I need to stress this point over and over again, as it's extremely important. Look at this link here and memorize it]
I noticed that you also have a small problem with commas. It's not an overly big issue, but it is something that you need to learn how to do. Look at this link here] That link should help you figure out commas. But if you want a super quick summary, then look at this way. Commas are basically separating out the elements in a sentence. So in this sentence you would have a comm after Okay, and so on. Hope that helps a bit. Make sure to check out the link, though, when you get the chance.
One thing I would like to talk about is how she describes Sam and how he describes her. She talks about him, and talks about his beautiful blue eyes and wavy hair. He talks about her describing her baggy eyes and how tired she looks. Kinda is different from the other. I'd suggest you mix in some more commentary on his part that is slightly more complimentary. Myself, I'd prefer if my boyfriend didnt' just think about how awful I look.
Alright, I hope this helps you a bit. Basically, I think you need them to have a plan before they leave the cave. Even if it's just going in a general direction. Also, it wouldn't be a bad idea for them to see what had happened to them previously, happen to someone else. Just to push the effect in deeper, and to also build up what's happening to them. It might also ensure that they know that they truly aren't the only ones.
What really does happen, though, is up to you. Just make sure you have a clearish sort of plan for them before they leave and maybe drag it out a bit more. Them leaving that is.
Hope this little bit helps though, and keep writing! You got this, Epic.
~Cricket
Thanks for those ideas and I think I might edit this a bit so everything isn't happening so fast. Thanks