Hello there! ^_^ I saw this piece in the lime room, and decided to check it out! c: I don't think I can give as great as a review as SpiritedWolfe, but maybe my comments will be helpful! I haven't read nay previous parts of this story, so if I say anything stupid, please ignore me xD
"Rae" she muttered into the cold night that swallowed her words.
"What is a mage of the order Torvish doing so far south in Erdia? I would think mages would be more common in the North"
Ooh okay, so I'm already loving the world you've set up here! I think we have some magic going on here, and "Torvish" sounds like such a cool name!
Since Rae spoke the first line and then you started a new paragraph, I assumed that Azrael was talking. But then later I found out it was still Rae. To clear that up, you could include all of her dialogue in the same paragraph, and that would avoid confusion! c:
"You always seem so emotionless and repulsive at the army parades. The cold climate and lonely plains of Dashia always seemed to be more suitable for you. Like lonely souls wandering around in the snow.
I think you're missing an end-quote here c:
Azrael let out a shrill sound that had to pass as a laugh.
"I already thought you were a moron, but this confirms my suspicions."
Omg so I've barely read any of your novel and I already have a good sense of Azrael's character. He seems like a nonchalant, emotionless guy who doesn't really care for other's feelings. Rip Rae cx
Rae decided to keep her mouth shut since Mr. Magic found everything she said so ridiculous.
Ooh and she already has a nickname for him lol xD I love that
I'm not going to elaborate on this, but I also agree that I was confused on what perspective this chapter was from. Wolfe already talked about it, so I just wanted to let you know that I had the same problem
In the middle of the road stood an old fountain, made of marble, of a water dragon that used to spray water in its glory, but now lay as dry as the deserts of the south.
I love your descriptions! I'm getting a sense of why this area is called the slums. I love the way you talk about things being deserted and collapsing and already passing their peak.
He wanted to do anything but attract attention with his exceptional appearance.
Oh and he's arrogant too cx You're dong a lovely job characterizing him, I'm getting a nice feel f his character
"Just follow me" Rae didn't wait for his answer and started walking further through the streets with quick steps. If she had learned anything in the slums, keep moving, already standing still you were an easy target for anyone. Azrael walked behind her at a trot.
So did Azrael let go of his firm grip on her? Because I remember he was holding on to her pretty tightly, and now she's free
"Is it far yet?" asked Azrael impatiently. "I have to be somewhere soon," mumbled Azrael, picking his nose at the increasingly harsh smell of excrement.
I would stick to one quotation tag, because two slows the story down a bit. Like you could combine the quotes or not put a tag after the second one! I just think two is a little bit redundant, especially since you could easily combine them (he mumbled impatiently)
"Before she knew it, she felt the same electrical force from the market twisting around her neck like a snake.
Oh my, Azrael's magic seems quite powerful and dangerous (I think you've got a stray quotation mark here?)
"Try not to kill anyone for once if that's not too much to ask" Rae scolded.
YOU TELL HIM RAE
"Your mother I believe has visitors" Azrael paused for a moment "And not of the good kind"
Oh dear 0.0 Are we going to have an epic fight scene now~
OH WAIT what about her mother, is she going to die????
"Demons."
NOO WHY DID YOU END IT HERE. I mean, it's a good spot to end it xD I love the way you chose to stop on a cliffhanger, as this is definitely going to make me want to read the next part. I really hope Rae's mother is okay and that Azrael can perhaps get rid of the demons before they do any harm.
I love the world you have going on here! I've already gotten a glimpse of the magic and see background history, like where mages usually stay. Your names for things are unique, and I see we also have some mythical creatures, like demons. I think it's nice that I could jump into a random chapter and still understand what was going on - Rae stole a seemingly important amulet from Azrael, a mage, and he wants it back. I'm intrigued!
Overall, I really enjoyed reading this chapter, and I'm going to come back for more <3 I hope this helped! <3
Points: 29825
Reviews: 465
Donate