z

Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

Thief Of Dust And Dawn- chapter 3

by Ducklinstories


3

Nemesis

Azrael had a firm grip on Rae as he dragged her along the streets of Xenos. They were on their way to Rae's house since she had promised that the amulet would be there. The sun was already beginning to sink low and the air was getting colder, as if nature wanted to make something clear. Azrael had learned from his mentor to always listen to the voice of the earth. He pricked up his ears and listened attentively to the wind that caressed his hair, but was unable to make out any details. Azrael shook his head and glanced at the thief who was struggling to keep up. "Do you have a name?" asked Azrael to break the silence.

She stared at him with wide eyes and turned her head like a confused puppy. Azrael sighed and turned his head forward again.

"Rae" she muttered into the cold night that swallowed her words.

"What is a mage of the order Torvish doing so far south in Erdia? I would think mages would be more common in the North"

"And how did you come to that conclusion?" asked Azrael in a mocking tone.

"You always seem so emotionless and repulsive at the army parades. The cold climate and lonely plains of Dashia always seemed to be more suitable for you. Like lonely souls wandering around in the snow.

Azrael let out a shrill sound that had to pass as a laugh.

"I already thought you were a moron, but this confirms my suspicions."

Rae decided to keep her mouth shut since Mr. Magic found everything she said so ridiculous.

They silently turned the corner and left the city centre of Xenos and entered the slums. The road was roofed over by a wooden scaffold with cloths of different colours attached to it, which served as protection from the sun. The buildings had already had their best time, some looked like they were on the verge of collapse. In the middle of the road stood an old fountain, made of marble, of a water dragon that used to spray water in its glory, but now lay as dry as the deserts of the south.

The diamonds that had once served as its eyes had been stolen from it. "It is better if you put on your hood, the people here do not like intruders" Azrael turned his attention back to Rae who pointed to his silk cloak. He sighed and nodded. He wanted to do anything but attract attention with his exceptional appearance. The soft fabric of his cloak slipped through his fingers as he put on the hood.

"To where now?" questioned Azrael as he looked around quietly.

"Just follow me" Rae didn't wait for his answer and started walking further through the streets with quick steps. If she had learned anything in the slums, keep moving, already standing still you were an easy target for anyone. Azrael walked behind her at a trot.

"Is it far yet?" asked Azrael impatiently. "I have to be somewhere soon," mumbled Azrael, picking his nose at the increasingly harsh smell of excrement.

"If you need to leave so urgently just magic us into my house with your little magic hands." joked Rae as she waved her hands in the air. "Before she knew it, she felt the same electrical force from the market twisting around her neck like a snake. Tiny hooks dug deep into her skin, little jets of blood running down her neck. She gasped when Azrael strengthened his spell. Azrael was like a ticking time bomb that could go off at any moment and would not hesitate to kill you.

"You seem to be forgetting your situation, don't you think? You were lucky I didn't kill you on the spot when I discovered you had stolen from me, but lucky for you Rae, I need my amulet." Rae pointed to her neck with the last of her strength in her arms. Slowly the edges of her field of vision coloured black. Azrael lowered his arm in one swift movement, breaking the spell. Rae sank to the ground gasping for breath, like a fish out of water. Her soft hands grasped her neck, where she felt the warm liquid smearing her palms. The black circles at the edge of her vision began to fade.

"You crazy bastard!" shouted Rae as she hit the ground with her fist. She took a big gasp as she felt a stabbing pain spread in her chest. "Try not to kill anyone for once if that's not too much to ask" Rae scolded.

"You're still alive," declared Azrael. Rae pierced her fingers into the ground to control her anger as she laughed her rage away. A creaking sound came from her knees as she laboriously straightened back up.

"I'm still alive yes, but you won't be if you-"

"Shut up" Azrael interrupted her. His cloak swayed with the wind as he turned quickly.

Rae saw his gaze glide over the street where she lived.

"What is it?" asked Rae. She felt hurt when he cut her off so abruptly. She was rather irritating, but not that bad.

"Is that your house?" Azrael looked at Rae over his shoulder. Rae nodded affirmatively. He couldn't arouse a sense of wonder in her since she already knew what he could do as a sorcerer. "Your mother I believe has visitors" Azrael paused for a moment "And not of the good kind"

Rae thought he was joking and laughed loudly. She almost got a stomach ache from laughing and wiped away a tear.

She looked at Azrael again and immediately stopped laughing. A serious look painted his face. He meant it.

"What do you mean?" asked Rae as she bit her lip out of nervousness.

"Demons."


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Sun Jan 31, 2021 5:10 pm
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starlitmind wrote a review...



Hello there! ^_^ I saw this piece in the lime room, and decided to check it out! c: I don't think I can give as great as a review as SpiritedWolfe, but maybe my comments will be helpful! I haven't read nay previous parts of this story, so if I say anything stupid, please ignore me xD

"Rae" she muttered into the cold night that swallowed her words.

"What is a mage of the order Torvish doing so far south in Erdia? I would think mages would be more common in the North"


Ooh okay, so I'm already loving the world you've set up here! I think we have some magic going on here, and "Torvish" sounds like such a cool name!

Since Rae spoke the first line and then you started a new paragraph, I assumed that Azrael was talking. But then later I found out it was still Rae. To clear that up, you could include all of her dialogue in the same paragraph, and that would avoid confusion! c:

"You always seem so emotionless and repulsive at the army parades. The cold climate and lonely plains of Dashia always seemed to be more suitable for you. Like lonely souls wandering around in the snow.


I think you're missing an end-quote here c:

Azrael let out a shrill sound that had to pass as a laugh.

"I already thought you were a moron, but this confirms my suspicions."


Omg so I've barely read any of your novel and I already have a good sense of Azrael's character. He seems like a nonchalant, emotionless guy who doesn't really care for other's feelings. Rip Rae cx

Rae decided to keep her mouth shut since Mr. Magic found everything she said so ridiculous.


Ooh and she already has a nickname for him lol xD I love that

I'm not going to elaborate on this, but I also agree that I was confused on what perspective this chapter was from. Wolfe already talked about it, so I just wanted to let you know that I had the same problem :)

In the middle of the road stood an old fountain, made of marble, of a water dragon that used to spray water in its glory, but now lay as dry as the deserts of the south.


I love your descriptions! I'm getting a sense of why this area is called the slums. I love the way you talk about things being deserted and collapsing and already passing their peak.

He wanted to do anything but attract attention with his exceptional appearance.


Oh and he's arrogant too cx You're dong a lovely job characterizing him, I'm getting a nice feel f his character

"Just follow me" Rae didn't wait for his answer and started walking further through the streets with quick steps. If she had learned anything in the slums, keep moving, already standing still you were an easy target for anyone. Azrael walked behind her at a trot.


So did Azrael let go of his firm grip on her? Because I remember he was holding on to her pretty tightly, and now she's free

"Is it far yet?" asked Azrael impatiently. "I have to be somewhere soon," mumbled Azrael, picking his nose at the increasingly harsh smell of excrement.


I would stick to one quotation tag, because two slows the story down a bit. Like you could combine the quotes or not put a tag after the second one! I just think two is a little bit redundant, especially since you could easily combine them (he mumbled impatiently)

"Before she knew it, she felt the same electrical force from the market twisting around her neck like a snake.



Oh my, Azrael's magic seems quite powerful and dangerous (I think you've got a stray quotation mark here?)

"Try not to kill anyone for once if that's not too much to ask" Rae scolded.


YOU TELL HIM RAE

"Your mother I believe has visitors" Azrael paused for a moment "And not of the good kind"


Oh dear 0.0 Are we going to have an epic fight scene now~

OH WAIT what about her mother, is she going to die????

"Demons."


NOO WHY DID YOU END IT HERE. I mean, it's a good spot to end it xD I love the way you chose to stop on a cliffhanger, as this is definitely going to make me want to read the next part. I really hope Rae's mother is okay and that Azrael can perhaps get rid of the demons before they do any harm.

I love the world you have going on here! I've already gotten a glimpse of the magic and see background history, like where mages usually stay. Your names for things are unique, and I see we also have some mythical creatures, like demons. I think it's nice that I could jump into a random chapter and still understand what was going on - Rae stole a seemingly important amulet from Azrael, a mage, and he wants it back. I'm intrigued!

Overall, I really enjoyed reading this chapter, and I'm going to come back for more <3 I hope this helped! <3






haha thanks for your review it made me laugh multiple times, I currently have no motivation to write so it might take a will untill chapter 4 appears
Thanks again for the tips!!
Ducklin



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Sun Jan 31, 2021 4:57 pm
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Atticus wrote a review...



Hi Ducklinstories! Tuck here with a review for you this morning.

I really enjoyed the world that you created within this story! Xenos and Rae are fun names with a cool sci-fi vibe, and your description is vivid without being overwhelming. I especially liked this line:

The diamonds that had once served as its eyes had been stolen from it.

This is such a great example of showing instead of telling and doubles as serving as some bonus description of the setting. The incorporation of colors here was also a great way to involve all of the senses. I felt like I had a strong mental image of each area they traveled, but it also wasn't a suffocating level of description. You hit the nail on the head there!

However, I felt the plot was somewhat convoluted, unless I'm missing something. At the beginning of the story it seemed like Azarel is arresting Rae for theft, but midway through the story it seems like Rae takes the lead and is showing Azarel where to go. That switch doesn't make sense since Azarel is in control at first and then suddenly there was this unexplainable switch.

Things also seemed to escalate very quickly between Azarel and Rae; one moment there was no tension between them, and then it seemed like Azarel was attempting to kill Rae. That escalation felt way too quick to be natural for me. If there had been some sort of tension between them (maybe Azarel is a little rough with Rae, they take verbal snipes at each other, etc.) before their altercation, it would have felt more natural. It's very hard for me to get a read on their relationship; it seems to change rapidly with no indication.

Overall, I felt that this story had some great set-up with the description that you began with and an intriguing dynamic between Azarel and Rae at the beginning. However, Azarel and Rae's relationship did a 180 without any foreshadowing that would have given an indication of that direction. Peppering in some hints at conflict to come, and perhaps slowing the pace a touch to allow more time for those emotions to fester, would go a long way in that regard. I hope these suggestions and comments were helpful to you! Please feel welcome to reach out with any questions.

Tuck




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Tue Jan 26, 2021 1:08 am
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SpiritedWolfe wrote a review...



Hi ducklin! Back for more :)

I'll start from the beginning with some nitpicks.

The sun was already beginning to sink low and the air was getting colder, as if nature wanted to make something clear.


From the sound of the last chapter, I thought it was still early morning when Rae tried to run from Azreal at the stall, so it felt like a weird transition for it to suddenly be later that night. Was there supposed to be a time skip? What did they do in between? Did Azreal just kindly let Rae pack up the stall she was supposed to be watching before she led him back to her house to search for the amulet? I'd like a clearer transition between the two chapters, maybe even picking up right where the last one left off.

Also, I was a bit confused by the second part of the sentence when you wrote "as if nature wanted to make something clear." I don't know what you're trying to refer to. Is it supposed to make the setting feel more tense? What is being made clear? I don't think this is a necessary detail, because you can easily set a mood without being especially specific. Just the description would do fine.

I wanted to ask what perspective you are writing this novel in? Is this supposed to be a third-person limited novel or a third-person omniscient? This is important because this will help structure your writing and the information you are able to give the reader. For instance, every chapter up to this point has been written solely in Rae's perspective (third person limited), so when the chapter began, I thought it was still the same. But then this line was written:

Azrael had learned from his mentor to always listen to the voice of the earth.


This then made me think that this chapter was written from Azreal's perspective, but this didn't make much sense because in the first line Rae's name was used, but at the end of the paragraph Azreal asks for Rae's name. (Which I also wonder why he didn't ask sooner?) If this were written in Azreal's perspective, then he wouldn't have that information. So now it seems like a mix of the two, but not quite omniscient either. It can be quite confusing to read.

I'd recommend checking out this link about writing in different third-person omniscient and some of the things to look out for when writing. If you decide that you want to stick to third-person omniscient (where there is an all-knowing narrator that can read every character's thoughts), it'd be good to make it more clear, but also keep consistency between scenes. If you decide to stick to third person limited (often the reader only hears the thoughts of one character -- the perspective character), then you'll need to decide which character you want to stick with. However, you're still able to switch perspectives between scenes of between chapters if you still want to give the perspectives of both of them! Let me know if you have any questions about this, and I'd be happy to give a longer explanation and some advice if you're looking for it.

"I have to be somewhere soon," mumbled Azrael, picking his nose at the increasingly harsh smell of excrement.


So I don't think picking is the right word here, haha. It gives a very strange mental image. Perhaps pinching (as in he physically closes his nose because he can't stand the smell) or crinkling (as in his makes a face at the smell) would be better?

Azrael was like a ticking time bomb that could go off at any moment and would not hesitate to kill you.


Two really small things! Using the word "you" in your writing gives a really informal, casual tone, and (in my opinion) can be jarring to read if it's not a conversational, first person novel or written in dialogue. I think it would make the writing stronger to not use it, and you can easily replace it with "her" or "Rae" in this context. Other thing is this feels like you're trying to reinforce what we already know. You did a great job of showing us Azreal's brash, violent nature earlier as he used his magic to choke Rae, so you don't need to repeat this idea a second time. It feels unnecessary.

Rae thought he was joking and laughed loudly. She almost got a stomach ache from laughing and wiped away a tear.


I admittedly did not understand why Rae found this so funny? Azreal is mentioning that he believes there is something in her house, which while could be misconstrued as a joke (as in "haha we never get visitors") doesn't seem like the belly-aching laughter kind of joke. It felt a bit out of place.

As a whole, I thought this was a good installment! It felt like a bit of filler, admittedly, but sometimes we can use that to get to know the characters better! I get the feeling that Rae and Azreal are going to be spending a lot of time together, so I like that you're starting to get a feel for their dynamic and let the reader compare and contrast them and get to know their dynamic. It was interesting to read!

The one thing that I'm a little bit confused about is Rae's reaction to Azreal almost choking her to death. She doesn't seem to be scared at all, which makes me wonder if she has some kind of experience with this or situations like this or what? Because I understand her personality being that she wants to put on a strong face and not let Azreal know he's affecting her, but there doesn't even seem to be a hint of fear for her life, not even deep in her thoughts. I'm interested to see if there is a reason for this!

I look forward to the next installment :) Happy writing!
~ Wolfe





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