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The Night Apperentice- chapter 1

by Ducklinstories


This is a prequel to "Thief Of dus And Dawn"

1

Burning Rage

Fire rose from the bricks and broken pieces of wood that once formed a house. The scent of burned bodies filled the air as the wind breezed through the rests of the kingdom. Frightened screams echoed in the majestic streets as the surviving inhabitants darted past the thing that caused all this.

Tiny bits of dust clouded up as Kayne approached the very edge of the palace rooftop. The sudden gust of wind gave him chills as he examined the city. His eyes slid to the centre which was surrounded by stone walls almost touching the sky, plants dangling over the edges like dead bodies. A glowing orb of light illuminated the area around the centre. Kayne could sense the radiation of the enormous forces reaching down to his bones. It was as if a tremendous heat was jolting him, causing every nerve in his body to tingle.

Kayne snatched his bag from his back and detached his Breaxite from it with his bristly hands. The Breaxite was a simple but nifty tool that made it possible to see sharp from a far distance and was shaped like a wide oval. He positioned the tool against his eyes and studied the core again. His eyes slid once more over the walls and observed his actual target, scrambling anxiously down among the plants and flower.

The corners of his mouth lifted and formed a grin. The grin vanished when three men came into view, royal guards. One of them shouted something to the others while pointing down, causing them to start climbing down just above the target.

Kayne sighed it was time for him to jump into action. The Breaxite quickly made its way into his bag which landed on his back with a dull bang. The gravel on the palace roof crunched under his feet as he strolled towards the palace. The breath he exhaled formed a white cloud. Fabric of his hood slipped through his fingers as he put it on. He cracked his knuckles and swung his head into his neck, the nut-brown locks that framed his face fell back. Adrenaline raced through his veins like a whirlwind.

He took a final deep breath and inhaled the saltish stink of fire. With a single flick, he spun around. Sprinting, he ran straight to the edge of the roof. With his every step he listened to the shuffling in his backpack.

"I hate this" he mumbled "I want a goddamn raise after this task,"

Kayne reached the edge with an enormous speed. His boots touched the stone edge and he pushed himself away from the edge with all the strength he had in him. The sound around him muffled, a peeping filled his ears as he bit down on his teeth.

It seemed as if he was flying while he thrashed around with his arms in the air. A numb sensation took control over his body that made each second seem like an hour. His coat blew along to the beat of the wind. Kayne had no problem with staying like this forever. But soon gravity came kicking into the picture.

Like a wounded bird, Kayne began to fall and the distance from the ground became shorter and shorter. A cold sweat broke out on Kayne when he was only 2 meters from the ground, even though he knew well enough that he would never touch the ground. His wings never let him down.

With a soft rustling, Kayne's wings unfolded. the pure white feathers shone in the sun rays as he rose to the sky far away from the ground. The wings were as wide as 5 meters and couldn't even be pierced by the strongest metal. There were only a handful like him and called themselves the Order of Torvish. Founded not long ago, the group had already gained more power than all of Erdia had in centuries.

Kayne was just a little different since most in the group were sorcerers, unlike them, he had both the magical skills as the wings. The called him a Sermin, he never liked that name since it reminded him of his past in a way.

From up here, the view over the city was the best. All had been destroyed, children were desperately wandering through the streets looking for their parents if they were still alive. Kayne had to avert his gaze as his stomach turned at the sight of the corpses.

The thought that one of them had done this only made him more nauseous. He was here to take the guilty person to the order of Trovish who was to decide his fate. it took him a while to locate him but he had found him, Azrael Saltebone.


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Sat Jan 23, 2021 4:56 am
SpiritedWolfe wrote a review...



Hi ducklin!

I was really enjoying your other novel, so I was interested in checking this one out ^^ What I’m curious about though is that this is meant to be a prequel, so have you already written the first book? I'm curious as to how these stories relate, if it's in any meaningful way.

Also, I definitely agree with the sentiments already given in the reviews earlier, especially about emphasizing more of showing us information, because while this is a first chapter and thus an introduction to our new character (Kayne), we still want to have the wonder of discovering the world on our own. It makes the story more engaging.

Yoshikrab pointed out that the first paragraph of this chapter felt a bit heavy in description, and I would agree. The other issue I have with it though is that the images feel disconnected from one another. They have a common theme of fire, sure, but there isn't as strong of a transition between the buildings to the bodies to the screams.

This line in particular felt especially vague:

Frightened screams echoed in the majestic streets as the surviving inhabitants darted past the thing that caused all this.


I know that you don't want to reveal right away what's happening, but it felt like an odd detail to include directly but also not want to reveal. Maybe it would be better to dance around the subject more, giving us more vague but engaging descriptions. (For instance, describe a silhouette, tease us with some relevant details but not the whole thing. Just saying "thing" is pretty boring.)

For now, I'm really interested in seeing what you're going to do with this. This was a fairly short chapter, so we weren't given a whole lot, but this was a solid intro to Kayne. We can see that he's not necessarily happy with his line of work, and it's really cool that he has wings. I definitely wish that there was more to this chapter, because this is supposed to be the big, attention grabbing hook, but aside from a little bit of Kayne sneaking around and the village being on fire, we don't know anything else going on.

Guess I'll just have to read on :) (Sorry this was a bit scattered.) Let me know if you have any questions!
~ Wolfe




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Sun Jan 17, 2021 5:20 pm
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Yoshikrab wrote a review...



Hi @Ducklinstories! I'm Yoshi and I'm here for a review on this awesome piece of work!

First off, I liked this work! It's very entertaining and interesting.

Fire rose from the bricks and broken pieces of wood that once formed a house. The scent of burned bodies filled the air as the wind breezed through the rests of the kingdom. Frightened screams echoed in the majestic streets as the surviving inhabitants darted past the thing that caused all this.


This is a little bit "Purple Prose"-y if you get my gist. Yes, it has very extravagant structure, but it is very wordy. If you don't know what it is, Purple prose is a literary work that is too wordy or descriptive. Yes, that's a thing. To fix, all you need to do is shorten and sweeten your start. Purple Prose is exceptionally horrible when placed at the beginning of a chapter or story because you get the reader bored very quickly.

Kayne sighed it was time for him to jump into action.


This is a run-on. I love your story so far! It doesn't give too much information, but it metes out the information in good numbers so that the reader isn't too confused.

To fix this run-on, however, you can place a semicolon between "sighed" and "it".

The Breaxite quickly made its way into his bag which landed on his back with a dull bang.


If you are trying to characterize the Breaxite, don't do it here, because the reader isn't fully sure whether this story is a fantasy or not. Characterizing the Breaxite causes confusion.

He cracked his knuckles and swung his head into his neck, the nut-brown locks that framed his face fell back.


This is the true confusing part. How does Kayne "swing his head into his neck"? Can Kayne remove parts of his body and stuff it within his body? If so, you need to elaborate more. If not, then don't use this.

With his every step he listened to the shuffling in his backpack.


"Shuffling" isn't a very good word for this. Shuffling isn't actually a sound, but more of an action. If there is shuffling in his backback, there must be something moving in there. I'm pretty sure there isn't, but if there is, then use a different word like "movements" instead of "shuffling".

There were only a handful like him and called themselves the Order of Torvish. Founded not long ago, the group had already gained more power than all of Erdia had in centuries.


This is unneeded information. If you absolutely HAVE to tell the reader about this, then add te information in a more natural way.

Kayne was just a little different since most in the group were sorcerers, unlike them, he had both the magical skills as the wings. The called him a Sermin, he never liked that name since it reminded him of his past in a way.


This is also too much information.

it took him a while to locate him but he had found him, Azrael Saltebone.


In here, you need to capitalize "it", and place a comma after "him" and before "but". Also, you use the same pronoun too many times. "It took HIM a while to locate HIM but HE had found HIM". That is way too vague. Try saying something like "It took Kayne a while to find him, but he had found the culprit, Azrael Saltebone".

Anyways, I loved this story! Your structure is good, you just need to work on your plot and word usage to improve!

Hope you were satisfied with this review!

Remember the Alamo. Remember Goliad. Remember Fireworks.

-y0shi






Thank you for the review!
I agree with the things you Said so THATS a
Good thing. I am really glad you liked the story!
-Ducklin



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Sun Jan 17, 2021 1:25 pm
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stygianmoon17 wrote a review...



Heyyy, here for a review :)

❌❌❌ MINUSES ❌❌❌

I think there are just two major problems in this story- although, since I didn't read the first chapters I most probably missed a ton of things, but never mind. I'll just treat this as though it was the very first chapter, is all.

So. First off, the exposition. stuff like when you talk about the Breaxite and say "the Breaxite was a simple but nifty tool that made it possible to see sharp from a far distance and was shaped like a wide oval. " See, it wouldn't be problematic if he was describing maybe objects in a room or something, but since he's about to use it, it would be much more effective and realistic to simply show how he uses the object, and to describe it, maybe have the narrator say something like "the cold circular object burned my hand" or something like that. Show don't tell really, talking about that..

Show, don't tell. Even though it is mostly a rule that applies to cinema, it also does to writing. I don't remember the exact sentences (and since my laptop is lagging, I can't look for the quote. I'll add it later tho) where he talks about being nauseous, ("this only made him more nauseous") or how he dislikes his nickname. This here: "They called him a Sermin, he never liked that name since it reminded him of his past in a way." I'm not sure if you've ever read the Witcher, but the main character is alike yours in many ways- and of course, he hates his "profession". But instead of him telling himself he hated that name, he instead shows it. For example, in that first book, he very clearly tries to contain himself while everyone insults what he is. Because part of him is ashamed of it. But then he also kinda cuts his head off after he took the insults a bit too far, so yeah. But still, him reacting aggressively makes the reader know more of him than a simple "I hated that name, since it reminded me of my past" will ever do.

Also, the narrator. I know I'm really nit picking, but since this seems like a work with ton of potential and heart behind it, I just really want to try to help. So. About the narrator. The narrator is Kayne's thoughts, that's pretty clear, but the fact is that since it's his thoughts, realistically his thoughts wouldn't be repeating stuff he already knows like "the Beaxite is this and that and serves for this or that". Instead, his thoughts would focus on surroundings, emotions and maybe even memories. Whatever the character's inner thoughts would be really. I know exposition is important, but the reader can piece stuff together, so really, make this as realistic as possible- and if no one is able to understand what the Beaxite is or what a Sermin is well, it leaves for our imagination. So that's even better ;)


✅✅✅ PLUSES ✅✅✅

Now.. the pluses !!
There is just soooooo much good stuff here. The image is gorgeous, whether you drew it or you picked it off the internet, it's still fabulous and really sets the tone and mood and excitement for the story ^^
The story is interesting, and yeah it's my first chapter so I'm kinda clueless of what's going on, but the story has heart, mystery and seems like a fun read. I'll definitely wait for the rest :)

Btw, I know the PLUSES is kinda shorter than the negatives, but that's simply because there's nothing I have to say. It's awesome. Keep writing. Is all






Hey! Thank you so much for the review! Let%u2019s just say I suck at show don%u2019t tell like I get the concept but can%u2019t really Apply it... But anyways thx for taking your time to read this
X Ducklin (ps: yes I edited/ Made the cover myself)




Follow your passion. Stay true to yourself. Never follow someone else's path unless you're in the woods and you're lost and you see a path. By all means, you should follow that.
— Ellen DeGeneres