Young Writers Society

Hi ducklin!

I was really enjoying your other novel, so I was interested in checking this one out ^^ What I’m curious about though is that this is meant to be a prequel, so have you already written the first book? I'm curious as to how these stories relate, if it's in any meaningful way.

Also, I definitely agree with the sentiments already given in the reviews earlier, especially about emphasizing more of showing us information, because while this is a first chapter and thus an introduction to our new character (Kayne), we still want to have the wonder of discovering the world on our own. It makes the story more engaging.

Yoshikrab pointed out that the first paragraph of this chapter felt a bit heavy in description, and I would agree. The other issue I have with it though is that the images feel disconnected from one another. They have a common theme of fire, sure, but there isn't as strong of a transition between the buildings to the bodies to the screams.

This line in particular felt especially vague:

Frightened screams echoed in the majestic streets as the surviving inhabitants darted past the thing that caused all this.

Hi @Ducklinstories! I'm Yoshi and I'm here for a review on this awesome piece of work!

First off, I liked this work! It's very entertaining and interesting.

Fire rose from the bricks and broken pieces of wood that once formed a house. The scent of burned bodies filled the air as the wind breezed through the rests of the kingdom. Frightened screams echoed in the majestic streets as the surviving inhabitants darted past the thing that caused all this.

Kayne sighed it was time for him to jump into action.

The Breaxite quickly made its way into his bag which landed on his back with a dull bang.

He cracked his knuckles and swung his head into his neck, the nut-brown locks that framed his face fell back.

With his every step he listened to the shuffling in his backpack.

There were only a handful like him and called themselves the Order of Torvish. Founded not long ago, the group had already gained more power than all of Erdia had in centuries.

Kayne was just a little different since most in the group were sorcerers, unlike them, he had both the magical skills as the wings. The called him a Sermin, he never liked that name since it reminded him of his past in a way.

it took him a while to locate him but he had found him, Azrael Saltebone.

Heyyy, here for a review

❌❌❌ MINUSES ❌❌❌

I think there are just two major problems in this story- although, since I didn't read the first chapters I most probably missed a ton of things, but never mind. I'll just treat this as though it was the very first chapter, is all.

So. First off, the exposition. stuff like when you talk about the Breaxite and say "the Breaxite was a simple but nifty tool that made it possible to see sharp from a far distance and was shaped like a wide oval. " See, it wouldn't be problematic if he was describing maybe objects in a room or something, but since he's about to use it, it would be much more effective and realistic to simply show how he uses the object, and to describe it, maybe have the narrator say something like "the cold circular object burned my hand" or something like that. Show don't tell really, talking about that..

Show, don't tell. Even though it is mostly a rule that applies to cinema, it also does to writing. I don't remember the exact sentences (and since my laptop is lagging, I can't look for the quote. I'll add it later tho) where he talks about being nauseous, ("this only made him more nauseous") or how he dislikes his nickname. This here: "They called him a Sermin, he never liked that name since it reminded him of his past in a way." I'm not sure if you've ever read the Witcher, but the main character is alike yours in many ways- and of course, he hates his "profession". But instead of him telling himself he hated that name, he instead shows it. For example, in that first book, he very clearly tries to contain himself while everyone insults what he is. Because part of him is ashamed of it. But then he also kinda cuts his head off after he took the insults a bit too far, so yeah. But still, him reacting aggressively makes the reader know more of him than a simple "I hated that name, since it reminded me of my past" will ever do.

Also, the narrator. I know I'm really nit picking, but since this seems like a work with ton of potential and heart behind it, I just really want to try to help. So. About the narrator. The narrator is Kayne's thoughts, that's pretty clear, but the fact is that since it's his thoughts, realistically his thoughts wouldn't be repeating stuff he already knows like "the Beaxite is this and that and serves for this or that". Instead, his thoughts would focus on surroundings, emotions and maybe even memories. Whatever the character's inner thoughts would be really. I know exposition is important, but the reader can piece stuff together, so really, make this as realistic as possible- and if no one is able to understand what the Beaxite is or what a Sermin is well, it leaves for our imagination. So that's even better


✅✅✅ PLUSES ✅✅✅

Now.. the pluses !!
There is just soooooo much good stuff here. The image is gorgeous, whether you drew it or you picked it off the internet, it's still fabulous and really sets the tone and mood and excitement for the story ^^
The story is interesting, and yeah it's my first chapter so I'm kinda clueless of what's going on, but the story has heart, mystery and seems like a fun read. I'll definitely wait for the rest

Btw, I know the PLUSES is kinda shorter than the negatives, but that's simply because there's nothing I have to say. It's awesome. Keep writing. Is all