Young Writers Society

Hi Ducklin! Here to review as requested

As a whole, I liked this chapter. I think you've got an interesting concept, you've dropped some hints about where the plot is going to go, and your characterization in this section was quite strong. I enjoyed reading it, and after this, I'd be interested in reading on.

First of all, while I like the cover you designed a lot, I wanted to recommend (for internet safety reasons) that if it is your real name at the bottom, it might be a good idea to remove it. You always want to be careful about what personal information you give out on the internet. But if this just a pen name, it's totally fine (but it might be something you want to clarify in an author's note!)

Now, onto the actual story ^^ I'll start with some quotes from your novel, and at the end I'll give my overall thoughts.

The Elysium, the marketplace, and the core of Xenos was always buzzing with life at night.

First of all, this description left me a little confused. Is the Elysium supposed to be another name for the market place? Or are they separate entities? The way this is currently written makes it feel like you are saying each of the Elysium, market place, and core are individually buzzing with life, which may be because of the commas.

She was so absorbed in her book that she had lost track of time and now had to hurry home.

You've already told us she was hurrying home earlier in the paragraph, so it's unnecessary to repeat it. Also, as an introductory paragraph to the chapter and also main character, it feels passive. The scene was set, we were told how she's feeling, and what she was doing, but this ignore what she is currently doing, which is the more engaging hook. To me, your second paragraph serves as a much more engaging introduction, because there is a feeling of action and movement. Once you've established our interesting, then you can easily go back and fill in the details of what she was doing and why.

As well, let me show you an example of a sentence that I'd describe as passive:

Rae had always been amazed at the magnificence of the market and how it never stood still.

Now, this is a great description, and I like it for setting the atmosphere of the piece, but it talks about Rae and the market in a more abstract, disconnected way. Compare it to something like this:

Rae was still amazed at the magnificence of the market as everyone bustled around her.

Of course, this is just a suggestion, and this is your writing, but my point is to illustrate the difference in feeling between these sentences. The second I would describe as "active," because Rae is in the moment, in the action of the market place moving and feeling her amazement from it. Hopefully this made sense! Feel free to ask clarifying questions if it doesn't, haha.

She looked up and saw a man standing in front of her who was at least two heads taller, she was not much taller than six feet, which didn't make it difficult for people to be taller than her.

First of all, this sentence is a comma splice (it should be a period after "two heads taller."), but I was also a bit confused? Six feet is really tall, in my opinion. The average height in the US is somewhere around 5'6 for girls and 5'10 for guys? (I may be making these numbers up, but I know it's less than 6'). But she talks like six feet is short -- and also says this guy is two heads taller?? How did she notice him when she was walking if he's so big? If this is intentionally that everyone in this world is just naturally larger than real life, feel free to keep it, but it would definitely help the reader to establish this a separate time too, so they know that this is a detail that differs in your story.

Also, the more I'm reading, be really careful about comma splices! They can mess up the flow of your story, since the reader has to backtrack to understand what you're trying to say. (A comma splice is when you put a comma where a period should go.)

Rae's gaze slid to his ears, not pointed, not an elve, so she thought.

If this is meant to be an actual thought in Rae's mind, it would help to italicize it so the reader can distinguish it from narration. If it isn't an actual thought, it would help to add some more transition words, so the sentence doesn't feel so choppy.

Rae was extraordinarily good at spotting small details in just seconds, which of course she needed as a thief along with speed and a little bit of acting.

Honestly, this sentence isn't needed. You did a really good job in the rest of the paragraph showing us Rae's talent of quickly analyzing a person's appearance and making judgements from that. So great job on that. However, it feels repetitive to then tell us exactly what you did by then explaining that she's good at spotting small details. That's the art of showing and not telling!

I'm not a huge fan of the section when Rae steals the amulet, because it feels like there were a lot of details omitted. First of all, the amulet wasn't even mentioned until after she stole it, so I was surprised that there was something for her to steal. Second of all, where was the amulet? How did she so easily steal it? Third of all, I think it would be more interesting and impactful if you went into a bit more detail of how she went about stealing it, her thought process, her movements, how the man didn't notice. It feels kind of like cheating to keep the reader in the dark about it too, because how can we know she's a good thief if you don't show her in action? It feels like as an author you're saying, "trust me, she's good at this" without showing us actual proof. Hopefully that makes sense!

It seemed like the amulet was calling to you with its seductive appearance.

I'd recommend changing the "you" to her, because, in my opinion (but this is ultimately your choice!), it takes the reader out of a story if you break the fourth wall with use of second person in the narration.

Only rich nobles or elves could afford a large house, and neither of them was.

I think you're missing some words at the end of this sentence? It was a little confusing the read.

"I'm Home Mom, sorry to be late, but Darius needed some help at the booth" Rae shouted around the house.

First, you're missing a comma Second, in the beginning she said that she was trying to get home before her mom got home, so why is she expecting her mom to be home already?

Also, there were a few times when the paragraphs felt a bit long, and I thought you might be able to break them up to make reading easier. For instance, in the paragraph that this quote is from, there is not only another dialogue section that could be put on its own line, but there is a transition from Rae being scared about her mother not being home, and then discovering the light is on and being relieved, which could serve as a good paragraph break. As a whole, if you have multiple paragraphs bordering on 8+ lines, it may be a good idea to evaluate if you can restructure them, because it can be easy to get lost reading in them.

Rae sat down on the wooden chair.

I didn't realize that there was a time skip here, so the transition was jarring. Maybe try adding more details (like a quick sentence of her whipping together some food) to ease it?

She knew she should tell Rae, but couldn't. She would hate and loathe her, but above all, she wouldn't listen to what she has to say. Rae wasn't ready and Lucia knew it. She decided it was better not to say anything now.

So it looks like in this paragraph you switch into to Lucia's perspective for a moment. This was really unexpected for me, and honestly, I feel like it takes away suspense from the scene. It feels too heavy handed. Because instead of dropping subtle hints about Lucia's mannerisms (maybe being quieter than usual, fidgety, etc. to suggest she's hiding something) we are just told she is hiding something. It's not as interesting. However, there isn't anything wrong about switching the perspective, since you could be writing in third person omniscient, but make sure you're consistent about your perspective. I'd personally recommend sticking to third person limited and staying on Rae (or any other later perspective characters!) since it's easier to write and manage. But ultimately, it's your story!

I'm interested in seeing what's going on with Lucia, because her reaction at the end seemed pretty excessive, especially because Rae had only really pressed once. I do like that you at least pointed this out and made it aware to the reader that this is not a normal occurrence for her mother, so I'd be interested in learning the explanation for this!

This this has gotten a lot longer than I'd expected, so I'll try to wrap up my general points quickly since I covered most of what I wanted to talk about. Also, don't be discouraged that I have a lot to say! I really do enjoy your story, and I think you have a very good start. Your writing is strong, your characters are strong, and I can see the set up of plot being dangled in front of us. It's good! I just also want to help you in the best way I can

I also wanted to ask about the name Elysium: is this related to Greek mythology, and is that intentional? If so, I think it's a neat addition, especially added with the quote you had at the beginning (since I think Elysium is an after life for heroes associated with the Greek gods? I'm not sure.)

Hopefully you found this review helpful. Let me know if you have any questions about my review, and I'll happily answer. Also, I would definitely be interested in reading more parts as you post them

Happy writing,
~ Wolfe

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!! The cover looks really good by the way.

First Impression: Well...this was an interesting start to a novel I will say. It didn't quite start off as intriguing as I would have like but it certainly ended on a very interesting note and for that I think this works out fairly well for a chapter one.

Anyway let's get right to it,

“Since I couldn't stop for death,

he kindly stopped for me;

kept the carriage but only ourselves and immortality. ”

Well isn't that an interesting line to start a story from...

It was a warm summer evening when Rae strode over the Elysium. She knew she had to hurry home before her mother got home. The Elysium, the marketplace, and the core of Xenos was always buzzing with life at night. Merchants, distant travelers, and soldiers were the figures that filled the market, along with other cruel types. Rae had always been amazed at the magnificence of the market and how it never stood still. The bookstall was her favorite stall, she could always be found there. Usually, she sat on the purple pillow with golden pearls that Darius, the owner of the stall, had bought for her. But today the weather was so beautiful that Rae had decided to read at the Old oak next to the river. She was so absorbed in her book that she had lost track of time and now had to hurry home.

Okay, well that's a fairly normal opening paragraph, nothing to particular grab a reader's attention however because it just seems like a generic description, on the bright side it isn't exactly boring either and we do get quite some information so its an okay opening paragraph.

Rae skilfully slipped through the crowd holding her shoulder bag tight, trying not to bump into anyone. The sound of shouting market vendors and people laughing filled her ears. As she passed the fruit stand, she realized she hadn't eaten anything yet and thought about stealing an apple, but quickly put the idea out of her mind when she saw the grumpy man behind the stand give her a hateful look.

Well now that is an interesting development, the fact that she immediately thinks of stealing.

"Grumpy idiot" she muttered and walked quickly on. Rae was near the end of the Elysium when she bumped into something hard and nearly fell backward. She looked up and saw a man standing in front of her who was at least two heads taller, she was not much taller than six feet, which didn't make it difficult for people to be taller than her.

Umm...I don't really see how that last line there, especially the last bit of it is in any way useful and it also sounds super awkward so I would suggest removing that.

The man's silk hood had fallen off from the hard impact, allowing Rae to see him. Short locks of black curly hair were revealed along with an angelic face.

The man had sharp cheekbones and a well-formed nose, a scar from his jaw to his eyebrows painted his face. His eyes were a violet-like purple that seemed to glow in the night. Rae's gaze slid to his ears, not pointed, not an elve, so she thought. The clothes were not in line with the normal clothes in Xenos, a traveler. Rae was extraordinarily good at spotting small details in just seconds, which of course she needed as a thief along with speed and a little bit of acting.

Well that is an interesting description and an interesting revelation to know that she is a thief...

"Sorry sir, I don't know where my head is lately," Rae declared, giving the man a warm, made smile.

"Next time try to stay with your head here." the man snapped.

Well that's one grumpy dude.

She was still grinning inside as she felt the adrenaline rush through her body. The man had not even noticed that she had stolen his amulet. Rae now took the thing out of her linen bag. She thought she was far enough from the marketplace. The amulet was a beautiful silver thing with a purple emerald woven into it by thin metal threads that ended in curls. At each end of each curl was a small black-colored diamond that gleamed under the moonlight.

She appears to be fairly well versed in the art of nicking things, that's good for her.

It seemed like the amulet was calling to you with its seductive appearance. She looked it over again, then quickly put it away in her linen bag. The way home was only short and she knew by heart. She walked silently through the quiet streets, her copper-blonde locks swaying in the warm wind. She had finally reached the slums. She never lived anywhere else because her mother couldn't afford it since the houses in Xenos were extremely expensive. Only rich nobles or elves could afford a large house, and neither of them was.

Alright, that bit of exposition blended in with the story well enough that it shouldn't be called out so that's good to see.

As she turned the corner she heard the all too familiar sounds. The screams of the baby from Miss Olgarac, the neighbor. Mr. and Mrs. Yazkis shout, her husband had probably slept with someone else, Rae thought. Her house was already coming into view, it was a small brick monster with planks on the windows and torn cloth sheets on the door. Up Creeping plants and flowers decorated the facade, which Rae had planted last summer to brighten it up a bit. She was breathless when she finally reached the door and leaned gently against the facade to catch her breath.

That's a pretty good bit of description for the neighborhood there.

"Tell your mother to be a bit quieter, she was shouting like a madman."

Rae looked up and saw Omar, their neighbor, standing in front of her with an angry look.

"Very funny Omar you have that delusion again?"

Ohh....I sense some animosity between them there.

"Ask the grocer for your medicines, yes?" Rae said sternly. "Strange old men and their delusions," Rae grunted and sighed and walked back to her house.

That sounded a bit rude there.

"I'm Home Mom, sorry to be late, but Darius needed some help at the booth" Rae shouted around the house. She paused, no answer, strange? She quickly tossed her bag on the worn oak dining table and stormed up the stairs that creaked under her weight. She was at the top of the stairs and saw a light burning in her mother's bedroom. Rae let out an embarrassed sigh and hurried to her mother's room. "Here you are, I thought something was wrong," Rae complained. "Old Omar said you shouted all over the neighborhood, probably another of his delusions I said." Rae laughed and entered the room with a beaming smile. She stopped in the doorway when she saw her mother asleep in her bed. Rae paused for a moment before going back down. She had decided to let her sleep peacefully and cook for herself tonight. Not that she could cook well, the last time she cooked she and her mother couldn't get out of bed for a week because of the stomach ache. It gave her the creeps when she thought about it.

Hmm...well doesn't that sound like its a little off...I have a feeling something bad may be about to happen here.

Rae sat down on the wooden chair. After long work and toil over dinner, she was finally ready. The scent of nutmeg and roasted nuts had already spread all over the house. She had made pumpkin and orange soup, decorated with nuts. It was her mother's favorite food and she would be ashamed to screw it up.

Aww...that was a pretty sweet little scene there.

Lucia, her mother looked radiant as usual, even after just waking up. Her sky-blue eyes shone in the moonlight. She had straw-blond hair that was always up with a pin in the shape of a lotus and decorated with small gems, it was one of the most valuable objects in the house. Even though she was already in her mid-forties, she still had childish cheeks that made her look younger than she was. Any man or woman with eyes would fall for her. Rae, on the contrary, did not look like her at all. Rae had Copper Blonde hair that leans more towards steed. Emerald eyes that always shone with pleasure were probably the most beautiful thing about her appearance after her softly sculpted face with childlike features. She may have been seventeen but looked more like thirteen. She was seen in taverns as a child, which she could not blame for her height and flat chest.

Kind of feels like we're interrupting the story there...its just a touch too much time spent on just the descriptions to fit in with the overall flow.

“Correction, I tried to cook. And to make sure I passed, you can be the first to taste it, ”Rae began, as she went to get the plates from the kitchen. "I made your favorite dish, by the way, Pumpkin Soup" Rae shouted through the kitchen. Lucia had already sat down when Rae came out of the kitchen with two plates in her hands. She set the plates down carefully and eventually sat down herself.

Points for honesty there.

Lucia carefully picked up her spoon from the table and dipped it into the full plate of soup. Slowly she brought her spoon to her mouth and swallowed the warm liquid. Rae looked at her expectantly and waited for her response.

Moment of truth.

“What, why aren't you so hungry?” Asked Rae incredulously. “Normally you eat for two orcs. Isn't it good? ” Rae kept rattling on. Lucia remained silent and just looked at her. That was enough for Rae to conclude that she had screwed up the food.

"Ah, that's it." Rae's head dropped a bit. "I can make it again." Lucia smiled and shook her head.

Oh she's definitely hiding something, I can feel that...

“Omar said you had shouted the whole neighborhood together, is that so?” Lucia was startled by her question and opened her mouth to say something, but nothing came out.

"Forget what Omar said."

"But what if-"

"Not now Rae!" snapped Lucia. “I don't have time for this” Lucia brutally pushed her chair away and stormed upstairs without looking back.

Oh that's definitely a warning sign there, Rae should be very suspicious by this point.

Rae was left dazed with a ladle in her hand. Her mother had never reacted so vehemently, even when she sometimes did wrong things. This was not her mother at all. Omar couldn't be the cause of this sudden outburst, he was too innocent for that, she thought. He could be annoying at times, but never really hurt anyone.

Maybe Omar was right and that's why she got angry. There were thousands of options, but she didn't know which one was the one. What she was sure about was that she would eat alone tonight.

Aww...that is such a sad note to end the chapter on...well on the bright side, we do have a pretty interesting hook there for the readers in this mysterious behavior and that's great.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall this seems like a promising story and I would certainly read more parts of it, should it ever be uploaded. Well I believe that is about all I have to say now.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry