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125,007 Literary Works • 672,817 Reviews
Hi again, Dreamy!
I'm going to get straight to what I think could be better, and then I'll give n overall impression of everything. My first concern is you don't really have any characters. We don't even know their name let alone anything else! Okay, so start off with naming them, referring to them as 'he' gets confusing (especially as there seems to be two he's so we don't know which one you're talking about sometimes.) Then, try and describe them, physically, I don't mean something really long- just something that will introduce them and so the readers know what's going on. Remember, just because you know what is going on, doesn't mean the readers do too. They only know what you tell them.
Secondly show and don't tell! By this I mean rather than just telling the story, show it through dialogue, actions, and descriptions. For example in your story:
Now this is just simply telling that he's prepared. But to show it is to talk about his stance for example. Maybe he's on his toes which shows he's ready. You could even use a bit of dialogue for him to show this too.
Overall, I think you've got some interesting ideas. The last paragraph is particularly descriptive compared to the rest, and this is really good because descriptions are always needed, trust me. Just remember to introduce things properly, and show don't tell! I hope this review helped. PM me with questions or if you'd like anything else to be reviewed.
Keep Writing!
-Arc x
Review!
So, the story didn't really make sense to me and you had a lot of grammar and spelling mistakes.
Next time you write, make sure you use more detailing and outline the plot of the story more clearly. Proofread and eliminate spelling mistakes before you submit it.
Master everything I told you and your writing will be amazing!
NoOne
this is very short and sweet. there is very good word choice and very easy to follow. it starts very dramatically and kinda makes you think about what's going on at first: i loved that. it makes the reader think and the meaning and dwell on it. very nice.
Hi so imma review this!
First off I liked the idea of the story but I really didn't understand the concept. Your imagery was perfect but a few details added in could have helped the story out.
You had a few punctuation and spelling mistakes but few are better than many haha.
Overall I thought it was good but I just finished reading it feeling empty like you left parts out of the story.
I hope I didn't seem harsh just trying to help:)
Keep on writing I wanna read more from you I like your ideas!
-Frayer
thank you.. even i felt that something was missed out.. i will look into it.. your review is appreciated..