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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Hiya Dreamy, here to review!
Firstly, nitpicks:
Right, now you've got a nice idea here, but there is no real meat. Obviously this piece is really short, and could do with some expanding of things. You may have heard of something called 'show, not tell'. If you haven't this basically means rather than saying something is something, you should show it in other ways. For example:
But why is he a 'jerk'? Instead of just simply saying he's a jerk, you could show it through dialogue, actions, even some descriptions of him. But just saying it is quite boring.
Okay, now I also want to know more about the characters. Not just the jerk, but what about your MC, Mary? What is she like? What does she look like? How does she speak? I've just noticed there's no dialogue in this piece and dialogue is key in revealing more about characters!
Lastly, try and not only describe characters but describe the setting! Where actually are they? Does Mary like it? I'm slightly confused as to what is going on here. I hate to say it, but maybe even start describing the weather! People usually hate this, but pathetic fallacy* is great to create foreshadowing! If it's stormy, then maybe it's going to be a bad day. You seem what I mean?
Generally, this was okay, however way too short! Try and flesh out your ideas, think more in depth about your characters and the settings, and their motives with things! I hope this review helped, PM me with questions or if you'd like another review.
Keep Writing!
-Arc x
pathetic fallacy: The attribution of human emotions or characteristics to inanimate objects or to nature; for example, angry clouds; a cruel wind
Okay, hey Dreamy, Black here for a Review.
First off: Nice work. You have a good style, and a good way of writing: I'll give you that for sure! I like how you summarize everything that happened, or is happened, or 'she' imagined happened! Good work.
But you have problems: From what I see, a number of problems. First off I'm not quite sure you intend to do a summary here, but you do. It's hard to tell exactly what's going on as well, is Deanie that POV character and did she just have a dream, or did she imagine all that happening or what? Your grammar is not the top-notch best (Though it really is quite good in comparison to a lot of people). And that's just really skimming along the top of your problems.
What I'm going to try to cover here is your general way of writing problem, your grammar, and your prospectivity problem (Not enough future prospective action for the story). I'll cover them in my best detail, but you must remember that at the end of the day it's going to be up to YOU to sit down and fix them!
So lets go! I'll be starting with your Grammar and then going to your Prospectivity problems, all the while showing you your Way-of-writing problems.
Okay, for your grammar. Your general problem here is that you don't have enough detail in area's where I can't really help but get the feeling that you mean to. Okay, so what do I mean? I get the feeling that the first part of this story is a flashback/dream and the second part is waking up. If that is the case, then I must tell you that flashback's and dreams usually are centered around more specific events. (You also use your words really strangely).
Let me show you what I mean:
You start off saying that Mary is a child, next thing she's a woman. Also, you don't specify what these 'other nine' are. You need to fix both of those. The 'is' throws of your tense as well. Now really, in writing something like this you wouldn't use narrative summary (Step-back telling), you'd SHOW how she's sweet and kind and smart and all that . . . You'd have people specifically CALL her 'Lady Santa' and not just say that that's what she was called.
Besides the fact that you are too repetitive about the word 'mother', I would cover this in a number of chapters, not lines. What do I mean? I mean that you cover this massive critical area in two lines! You should take up at least a couple chapters leading up to it (Maybe less if this is a dream/flashback - you might just jump right to here in that case), and then at least another 2000 words showing it in extreme detail. By extreme I mean putting in all the dialogue and feelings.
Don't be discouraged. Your problems are simple things that'll go away with plenty of time and practice: If you keep an eye on them. You don't really have any specific problem in the lack of detail for this! It's just that you should have used a more direct style (And not narrative summary). I also think you could end this better.
I hope you see what your 'Wayofwriting' problem is: Your way of using Narrative summary! Readers want emotions, and narrative summary is the absolute worst tool to use when doing this. You must be personal, to be this, you must be exact and close up!
Okay, your prospectivity problem is simple. You don't have enough prospective action. What's to keep me reading this story, when I buy it, if not the prospect of lots of action and emotion and fun? You need to put in things that make your reader want to continue. That make them believe that there's GOING to be something interesting happen that they can't afford to miss! You can't, not do this!
Anyway, good work here! I enjoyed reviewing this! It was fun
~Black~
I understand when you mean that I lack in my grammar and prospective. Am trying hard to over come it, but it seems to get hold of me, no matter what I do. Any way thanks for your descriptive review. I really appreciate it. I ll work hard in my future works.
You need to fix your run-on senteces, and add to the fragments. You need to go into more precise detail about Mary. This isn't a short story it's a paragraph. You need more in-depth detail about who she. Why is she a disappointment? How did she attempt to please her mother? You need a better ending. Extend it. What did her mother say? Was she happy or sad?
I'm sorry but this rough draft could equal something, but this draft by itself will give no one entertainment.
Any review is appreciated. I know how bad it is. And I deserve this. so no hard feelings.
To be honest, there are only details as an introduction to who Mary is and a very short paragraph about a 'dramatic' scene, I'm not sure what you posted it for, because this barely qualifies for a short story, if any story. It gives more an impression of you cropping the short story, posting only the first part of it, and leave it unfinished. At this point all the people can comment about / review is the writing style, and there's not much for that either. Shamefully, what you've got right now, the writing stylistics included, won't grab any proper interest from anybody.
I know! thanks for the effort you took to read mine and also comment on it. wen others didn't. Thanks