you’re a little closer —
just breathe, think
let the soles of your feet sink knee deep.
gravel marks your fingers raw
they’re red and white and so very
patriotic.
think, breathe, the airs colder
and it hurts, it stings;
a coil of dust that lingers
fills your lungs with residue.
breathe deep,
all those rocks are
heavy in your chest
think, feel, he’s watching you
and you’re watching yourself
while he fills you with stones
and makes you sink further
think, or don’t
you’re closer still
and you won’t remember in the morning
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,007 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
WHAT NO STOP THIS IS SO GOOD.
I don't actually know what to say about this because it's near perfection, but in an imperfect, sloppy sort of way (which is my favorite kind). Contrary to what someone else said, I find the line about patriotism actually really interesting? It has a bitter, almost sarcastic tone to it and while "patriotic" is an awkward, out of place, sort of a mouthful thing to stick in there, I think that's exactly what makes it a really cool choice.
The only thing that feels odd to me is the way you separated those lines? It sounds awkward in my head, I feel like "they're red and white / and so very patriotic" would work better instead, but then again maybe you were trying to highlight the word patriotic in particular by isolating it. I don't know.
I'll be honest and admit that I have no idea what this poem is about but I was still able to find it really interesting and beautiful and your words are so lovely and goodness gracious, all your stuff is so neat. Keep doing that thing.
Wow, I don't know what the history behind this is or what inspired it, but I LOVE this poem! The strongly opinionated voice shocks you into the story's surroundings and emotion and every word draws you in deeper with its vividness. The patterns you used in each stanza were a little bit uneven, but I really like the first stanzas off-beat rhythm. The irony in this is wonderful and knowing how much passion I could see just by reading it makes it clear how much was used in writing it. I don't know what brought this poem out, but I'm glad it made an appearance. This is really a great piece and I look forward to reading more by you.
Hello!
I don't understand this poem, but nonetheless I like it. It has a soft, raw feel to it, and I can't explain it better than that. I wanted to keep reading it to the very last word. I normally struggle with poetry; I don't find myself enjoying very often, except if it's very, very short. As you can imagine your poem was a pleasant surprise.
There's one thing that I thought didn't quite fit, or work... it didn't flow in my opinion:
As much as I love Canada, I don't think this quite goes, or makes sense for that matter. I especially find that 'patriotic' to me is not a very poetic word. Maybe that's just me.
I guess, now that I think of it, there's a few things that seems out of place- or need some elaboration so we get a better idea of what is actually going on. The ending is one of those out of place kind of sentences... one that I do not understand.
Maybe your poem is about a dream that the MC won't remember...? That's kind of a cool idea though I'm not sure that's what you were trying to do. I'd really like to know what this is about, so do let me know.
Keep it up!!!
-Socks
I'm sorry, but would you please explain to me this writing? I would be happy to review but I am not sure i completely understand.