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Young Writers Society



Chime Endlessly 2

by Dreamwalker


Alright, here is the second chapter to Chime Endlessly. At this moment in time though I'm actually thinking of renaming this piece. I want there to still be something to do with chiming but I just cant seem to figure out a title for it.. I guess that could come later.

Again, please, if you have the time, could you give me a nice harsh review? Dont be afraid to be cruel. I can take it. Thank you all for the wonderful reviews for the first chapter though! They were marvellous!

Chapter 2: A Gentle Chime of Bells

“Shh,” My eyes watched calculating as the sack of water dangled loosely from a branch right before the door of the one roomed school. The teacher would be walking out very shortly, that I knew for sure for it was his routine. In only a few seconds he would make his exit and the sack of water would fall on his head exactly as planned.

“Kirun this isn’t such a good idea…” the gentle voice beside me whispered, breathing perfectly soft and even. I hated the fact that his voice had broke through the adrenaline rush that I had been so excited about experiencing again. Those few seconds before a plan was about to be fulfilled… those were moments that made the most difference and almost every time Ezra interrupted them. The only person in the world who could possibly ruin my excitement… I turned my eyes towards him for a brief second, seeing his defined, fourteen year old face, his wide mulberry eyes staring calmly at me.

“It’ll be fine,” I chuckled lightly although I was very sure he was right. Still, my adolescence pushed me forward to continue on. “And if we get caught just blame it on me.”

“No!” he said loudly, then quickly covered his mouth embarrassed. “I-I mean I-I wouldn’t…”

I couldn’t help but chuckle at his soft tenderness, something he did not display so blatantly to anyone else. Of course, he saw things that no one else ever saw about me. Our relationship had always been as such. Suddenly though my attention was once again averted back towards the door that was slowly creaking open, Mr Yerna walking out. His frail hands were light against the doorknob, white beard long and curled although his head was completely bald. Papa said he just celebrated his 283rd birthday. A long life for an elf. Mr Yerna was very old fashioned though and strict. He didn’t let anyone get away with anything, and maybe that’s why I sat here, string fastened in my hand, ready for the second to set the sack of water crashing down.

“Kirun…” Ezra whispered again breaking my train of thought ever so persuasively. I groaned and with an annoyed sigh and let the rope slip through my fingers, the sack dumping all its contents on Mr Yerna’s head. He looked up bewildered, his wide iceberg eyes filled with anger and annoyance. I broke out in laughter, hands suddenly clutching my stomach as I nearly rolled off the side of the tree. Of course Ezra steadied me without a second thought, worry still besmirching his features.

“You blasted kids!” I could hear Mr. Yerna yell in his feeble voice that I had come to know very well in the past few years of my life.

“Kirun, we should get out of here,” Ezra whispered, voice rash. “Mr Yerna is going to kill us…”

“You always ruin the fun,” I bit my lip trying to hold all the laughter inside. Of course this only lead to my howls of chuckles as I rested against the trunk of the tree joyously.

“I don’t want you to get in trouble,” Ezra turned his mulberry eyes this way and that, long pointed ears twitching somewhat, searching for any traces of movement coming nearer. I knew it would be best to listen to Ezra for he was normally right about these things but I was finding it terribly hard to do so.

“I get it, I get it,” my chuckles slowly subsided as I crouched up on the branch. “Race yah to the training area?”

“You bet,” he smiled for the first time that whole morning. Maybe that was why I had a hard time getting through any pranks when he was around. The bewildered face he always made when I was scheming was always so disheartening. It made it way to complicated to plan.

Crouching down even lower to gain force, I finally sprung from the branch like a flying squirrel, arms outstretched, hair flying wildly around my face as I went. The feeling of the air against my cheeks and up into my lungs was once again making it more and more enjoyable to fly like this and I was sad to land back down on another thick branch fifty yards away. It was uncommon for an elf of my age to be this reckless but I couldn’t care less. I was too busy enjoying the amazing feel of air in my lungs and the sun beating down on my face… and the best part of all was the person who I had called brother for so long now followed behind with just as much ease and grace to every step.

Of course, I bounded forward, this time not such a squirrel-like jump, but a leap up to a taller branch in a closer tree. I could feel my braids swishing against my cheeks, hair tussled this way and that.

Most of all though was that I loved knowing, every time I turned around, the face I always wanted to see was staring back at me with those same wide, expectant orbs.

Most people didn’t really understand the strange relationship between Ezra and I, but that was how we preferred it to be. Strange, unusual, but accepted and secret. The only two people in this world who knew of the truth of the matter though was Esmeralda, and Father.

Maybe that was why people thought it so strange. The fact that the two who did not have a pair, were the two who spent nearly every waking minute with each other. I’m sure everyone had their suspicions, but I didn’t care. As long as I could block them, and Ezra could block them, there was no need to fear the unexplainable truth.

So, things were good, even if we could not understand them.

“Kirun! You’re going to far!” Ezra yelled from behind me, and I turned to see him sitting on the branch of our tree, his feet swaying lazily as he watched me stride further and further into the trees.

My eyes widened, surprised, before I dug my heels right into the nearest branch, body slamming forward from the loss of speed. I could feel the shock running through my body like a vibration, and then grasped hold of the branch with my fingernails roughly, balancing myself. Fast stops like that weren’t exactly the smartest of things to do.

I high-tailed it back to Ezra’s side, reaching into my pocket as I did. I had been waiting to give him this but it had slipped my mind in the process of constructing the prank. I took at seat next to him, my calves still sore from the heavy landing, but I didn’t let that affect me for long.

“I got you something,” I murmured, passing him the little box that I had stowed in my pocket. “It isn’t much or anything…”

Ezra looked at me, stunned, then back down at the box with the same bewildered expression. His slender fingers grasped the box so delicately you’d think it was made of the finest glass. “Kirun, there is no reason.”

“Well technically there is!” I corrected him smugly. “Something I have always had an issue with to be honest, and I’m sure you know enough already.”

Ezra looked down at the box again, and then back up into my own eyes. I blinked, surprised. It wasn’t like Ezra to start reading my heart first. He normally just let me read his, and then he’d read mine a little in the process. I quickly blocked off all the memories of the days of silence, where he had scared me to bits, walking up behind me so silently I hadn’t believed anything there. He was so smooth, so flawless in his movements he was almost like an apparition, completely unbeknownst to the ability he held.

“You’re getting better at blocks,” he admitted meekly, his eyes staring down at the box once more. “Are they bells?”

I stared at him awestruck. I was so sure I had blocked him off of every memory of those silent times… were my blocks really that weak? It looked like I would have another long amount of training to do if that were so.

“You got through my blocks?” I asked finally, half-expecting the answer I was thinking.

“No, your blocks are too strong for me,” Ezra said scratching the back of his head, a light pink forming in his cheeks. His black hair which was normally set loose down his back, was now tied in a very loose plait over his right shoulder, shiny and gleaming beautifully in the light of the afternoon sun. He looked so marvellous when his mulberry eyes lit up as they did now.

“Then how?” I asked, nearly losing my place. I hated to admit it but sometimes I would lose complete track of thought just looking at him so. His beauty intoxicated me pleasantly.

“Process of elimination,” he shrugged. “From everything I’ve seen, and everything I haven’t, I realised that the moments you had become frightened when I was not there were suddenly gone from your subconscious. I thought it over and realised maybe you got me something so that you would always be able to find me, and you would never be afraid when I approached.”

I had forgotten how witty he had become over the years, so quick to come to an answer. I myself admittedly know that I could not come up with such a quick answer, but was alright knowing I tried. He was brilliant, as he was beautiful. Most never saw those sides of Ezra though. They saw the obvious flaws in his character, the stuttering when I was not there or the meekness he never grew out of. The fact that his looks were very feminine also didn’t help his cause, but I didn’t care about any of those things or what anyone had to say about my Ezra. He was perfect the way he was.

“Although I’m sad you realised it so quickly, I’m glad you found out for yourself,” I smiled.

“I’m sorry for ruining the surprise,” he opened the box slowly but surely, his fingers grasping the string that held the two bells. He lifted them lightly sending a peel of sound throughout the area, beautiful as a siren’s call. Of course, they were no ordinary bells. Only the ears of an elf could hear them, making the noise virtually silent to all but our kind.

“It’s alright,” I put my hand against his shoulder comfortingly. “Now let me put them in your hair.”

“My hair?” he asked surprised.

“I thought it would look dashing and fine in your locks,” I raised my hand out to him which he placed the two bells on very softly. I then proceeded to undo his plait, tying it up in a tight ponytail with the bells dangling loosely along with his beautiful silken hair. When I was through with my ministrations, I let my hands fall back to my side and he turned back towards me again with that flare in his eyes I had come to love.

“They sound beautiful,” he murmured thoughtfully. “But wont they get annoying?”

“If they are annoying to you then you can take them out…” I looked down at my hands. I hadn’t thought that the noise would bug him. The sound of those bells had always been so calming to me.

“Oh no I didn’t mean it like that!” he added quickly. “I just thought, after hearing them a lot, you might get annoyed with the sound is all.”

“You don’t tilt you head much,” I turned my eyes towards his again, chuckling. “You’re too graceful. When I’d least expect it, I would hear it, as I least expect it when you move.”

“You’re silly,” he chuckled as well, but there was a softness to his tone that made me feel thrilled, as if I had done something good after all.

After chuckling for a few moments, we went completely silent. Something that sometimes happened, but that was alright. We embraced the silent times of thought and just basked in each others presence. I grabbed his hand gently within mine, sending an electric current through our veins. I closed my eyes, his memories pushing up and into my brain smoothly, my own emitting memories to him as well.

Sometimes we would do this for hours on end, sitting hand and hand like this. Moments that meant the world to me, as I breathed in his familiar scent, the sun beating down on us with just the right amount of shade from the leafy trees. His breathing was slow, calming, relaxing me into the memories he showed me. Ones he would give me to make me smile and chuckle, too swoon and feel completely at ease. The memories of when we first met, or when we had started to grow, become who we were. There were times of great trial though and confusion. Times that we struggled through together because only we ourselves could understand the pain that we knew was slowly coming.

Father didn’t want me to see… he tried his hardest to guard it from my eyes, but Ezra saw it all. Ezra’s eyes were mine, and mine, Ezra’s. Esmeralda never held back information from us, but the hard truth of the matter was that both Ezra and I were males. In the fabricated world we seemed to have created for ourselves, there was only him and I, where everything was beautiful and wonderful, but in the actual world, this would not be so easy. Our time of peace was coming to an end.

“Kirun, you’re thoughts are sad,” Ezra’s voice was so soft I barely heard it at all.

“I’m sorry,” I turned my head, ashamed.

“Ah, that,” Ezra murmured. “It’s been on your mind a lot lately.”

“How can it not be?” I asked a little defensively. “It’s right around the corner, staring me deadpanned in the face.”

“You know it cannot be helped Kirun,” Ezra’s eyes tilted downwards, face becoming distraught. “We must pray for the best.”

“There is no best in these matters,” I turned to him again, hand reaching out to caress his cheek sombrely. “You know the truth.”

“It is one festival,” he grimaced, staring down at his feet. “We have missed many festivals. Why don’t we skip this one?”

“The one that we shall be named our kind?” I asked, flabbergasted. “That is even worse then our situation! We cannot miss that festival!”

“I know..” Ezra hesitated. “But I’m afraid.”

This festival was one that we had been told of since we were kids. The festival that ran so deep within our tradition that we could no longer forget its judging call. The day we were to find out what sort of elf we actually were.

In our culture, elves were not merely just elves of the same kind. We each were set up into subcategories, each different and unique, for each elf was born with a marking above their brow. One that is invisible to the naked eye, but on the night of the blue moon of your 14th year, the time would come to see the marking.

Each marking was specific though, one a swirl, one a strip, one a star, one a smudge. One curled up into what looked like a flame, the marking of a warrior. And then there was a very special one, that marked most of the female population of the elves. It was a dot, merely that and nothing more, but it was a sign of something immense. Each of them in fact meant something special, a trait unknown to us. The swirl meant water, the strip, earth, the star meaning air and the one that curled slight up into what looked like a flame meant fire. The smudge meant healing, and the dot… the dot meant shielding, protecting.

And that category that you lie under is the element that you have full control over. The one that will render you capable of many things, the fire being the strongest and most lethal of the bunch. The healing was the one that normally came to those of meek souls, the quiet types. I had a feeling that Ezra would be one of them, and hoped the best for him in that sense.

But it was not the categories that scared me.

The queen herself would bless each and everyone of us with a kiss to the brow. A soft blessing, but one that would send our markings alight and we would find out who we truly were. Of course, in this act of touching, she would be able to see everything, everything we’ve ever felt, everything we’ve ever seen… and she would see Ezra in my heart. She would know the truth no matter how many blocks I would try to put up against it.

And our fabricated world would be ripped open.

That day… that fateful day was mere inches away, staring me angrily in the face, and I staring back fearfully.

“Maybe she will be forgiving,” Ezra grasped my face between his hands, his eyes wide and fearful. “We shall explain our case. Say it isn’t our fault! She couldn’t possibly tell us that what we have isn’t real!” His face was so close I could feel his breath against my face as he spoke so frantically. “Please don’t give up hope!”

“I wont,” My words were breath-like, soft, my eyes still wide in surprise. Ezra was never the one to grasp me. I stared at him awestruck, his frantic eyes now filling with confusion, lips then forming a light o. My body tensed up, heart now racing unfamiliarly quickly. His lips were only inches away…

“Kirun…” Ezra’s normally wide eyes were half-lidded now, his hands falling away from my face slowly. I leaned in unsurely, out of impulse, my lips barely inches from his when my senses finally kicked in and I pulled back, my cheeks flooding with colour. Ezra’s eyes widened again, his cheeks also filling with colour. “You stopped.”

“You know we cant,” My eyes stared off into the distance, the shame now becoming apparent. I almost…

“I don’t see what’s so bad about it,” Ezra’s voice was gentle. “The rest of the elves…”

“The rest of the elves what?” I cocked an eyebrow challengingly. “The rest of the elves kiss their other halves? Is that what you were going to say? We aren’t like the other elves.”

“And why not?” this was one of the first time Ezra had ever really snapped back at me in such a manner. “Because we’re both male? Is that it? If we are made this way then why should it even matter? You and your father think that this is an abomination right?”

“I don’t think it’s and abomin…”

“No, you do!” Ezra raised his voice. “You think this is wrong and you probably always will! I get it! You’re ashamed of me! Well sorry for thinking that maybe it wasn’t as such…”

“Ezra…”

“I’m going home,” he stated, his eyes not meeting mine. “Come talk to me when you don’t think I’m such a burden, and if that’s never then the better.”

I grabbed his wrist, frightened, before he could jump away, my heart racing. He just looked at me with such reproach I was afraid that he would just push me away anyways.

“What?”

“I’m not ashamed…”

“Don’t lie to me.”

“I’m not lying to you…”

“I said don’t lie to me!” He shoved my hand away angrily, the flare in his eyes now fiery and uncontrollable. “What is it with you? Get your story straight and tell me the truth! I know your eyes like the back of my hand and there is shame in them! Cold, hard shame…”

I leaned in, pressing my lips against his with such a flurry of passion and excitement I was unsure if I actually did it or just thought it up in my head. It was such a random and strange act I never really thought myself capable of such a thing, but the moment I did was when everything really changed.

I saw everything. Everything he had ever felt, from first breaths to his first day of school. I saw everything from his eyes, everything that I could not see from merely touching his hand or holding him close. Everything was so real, so wonderful. The sights, the smells, even how things felt to his fingertips.

And then I became hyperaware of the fact that my lips were pressed ever so wonderfully against Ezra’s. Bumps seemed to have erupted across my arms and up my spine, a sense of happiness becoming very apparent within me. I had wanted this for so long. He had wanted this for so long. I was starting to forget the reasons why this was so wrong.

Ezra was the first to pull back, hesitant and slow, but enough so I knew I must resist as well. I peaked my eyes open gently, just to see his beautiful face, eyes still half-lidded, cheeks rosy.

“Wow,” he murmured and I couldn’t help but chuckle. It all seemed so superfluous. “I… that was better then I thought it was going to be.”

“Yah,” I swung my feet back and forth unsurely. I heard a gentle chime of bells, knowing he had turned as well. “It was really nice.”

“Then why is it wrong?” he asked blatantly.

“Ask the queen, or maybe the elders,” I shrugged, turning my eyes back on him swiftly. “I don’t know, and I don’t care anymore. If they think they can take you away from me then they are dead wrong. This is right.”

Ezra smiled, so sweetly it nearly took my breath away. This was the first time I really felt this close to anyone, especially another male. Maybe that was why it was so strange. I loved Ezra. Everything about him I loved. It just took some time for me to realise that this love I had for him was the reason why I could no longer stand to watch, to reach out but never grasp what rightfully should be in my arms.

“Do you think we could…” Ezra seemed to colour at this statement.

“I think that could be in order,” I smiled before pressing my lips to his again.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

And that concludes the second chapter. I was also thinking of posting the preface one day for this, if anyone is interested in reading it. It's a little bizarre and I wasnt sure if people really cared enough to read it.

Thank you all for reading the first chapter and reading this one as well!

Ciao

-Dreamwalker


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10 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 10

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Tue Apr 07, 2009 8:50 pm
Kelly-Vision wrote a review...



You've done it again :lol: Bravo:P
Loved it, as I loved the first chapter. I love the way you describe the culture of the elves; it is a very original take on such a story i.e it hasn't been done before (Well obv. :P)
I love the way you so innocently described the love between Ezra and Kirun, and their characters really develop a lot in this chapter. Ezra is so quiet compared to Kirun and even without you saying that he was, you would know because of Kiruns reaction when he snapped at him:P.
Aww, I just think it's so sweet! I love the way each elf is individual with their markings, well done (Y)

Yeh,a few grammer mistakes, nothing major. I REALLY liked this, and I was so sad when it came to the end; I want more!:P

So, yeah again, Well Done=D

Kelly
xXxO




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Sat Feb 28, 2009 1:04 pm
Arcaus wrote a review...



Dreamwalker

You have reviewed my chapters so i am going to repay the favour...

I won't go into grammar because that has been covered already so i'll do what i do best...Language!

I think the way that the described the relationship between Kirun and Erza, making sure you made it as innocently worded as possible, not tainting the story with what we know the feeling is, if you had of done that, which you did'nt it would have shattered the dreamy, sunny and dare i say Lazy tone in your writing, because of the way you've been writing Chime Endlessly it needs not as much decription, which i have to say my writing needs, your theme is consistant and stong, but one thing i would suggest is that you break up your flowing sentances when bad things happen, sort of like a cold shower on a hot day, it shocks the reader and creates instant tension and suprise, and allows you to get on with your action or scary parts, if you don't then you may find it hard to wake your readers up after your flowing sentances and dream-like atmosphere.

Overall, beautiful...

ARCAUS




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Sat Feb 28, 2009 7:19 am
Elelel wrote a review...



Whew! Ok, got here. Let's begin ...

PLOT/STRUCTURE:

His frail hands were light against the doorknob, white beard long and curled although his head was completely bald. Papa said he just celebrated his 283rd birthday. A long life for an elf. Mr Yerna was very old fashioned though and strict. He didn’t let anyone get away with anything, and maybe that’s why I sat here, string fastened in my hand, ready for the second to set the sack of water crashing down.


Here's the thing ... this is kind of cliched. I mean, you started the chapter with something going on and quickly introduced a little problem in the relationship between Kirun and Ezra, which is excellent ... but yeah. Watch any little kid show and I guarantee someone will play this prank once. I mean, I guess it does get done in real life sometimes. But ... We know the drill when it comes to stories.. Two or more kids set up prank, but one of them isn't keen to do it and protests (thus allowing the chapter/book/story to start in the middle interesting dialogue along the lines of of "shh!" or "we shouldn't be doing this!"). Then there are three possible outcomes. 1) the teacher (who deserves it, obviously) gets wet, shakes his fist/walking stick and shouts something along the lines of "you rotten kids!" (depending on the rating on the story) while the hidden kids laugh their mischeivious heads off. 2) the trick backfires and the kids get wet, thusly Learning a Lesson. 3) the teacher gets wet, but then catches the kids and they Learn a Lesson.

So yeah. Think about that.

This festival was one that we had been told of since we were kids. The festival that ran so deep within our tradition that we could no longer forget its judging call. The day we were to find out what sort of elf we actually were.
In our culture, elves were not merely just elves of the same kind. We each were set up into subcategories, each different and unique, for each elf was born with a marking above their brow. One that is invisible to the naked eye, but on the night of the blue moon of your 14th year, the time would come to see the marking.
Each marking was specific though, one a swirl, one a strip, one a star, one a smudge. One curled up into what looked like a flame, the marking of a warrior. And then there was a very special one, that marked most of the female population of the elves. It was a dot, merely that and nothing more, but it was a sign of something immense. Each of them in fact meant something special, a trait unknown to us. The swirl meant water, the strip, earth, the star meaning air and the one that curled slight up into what looked like a flame meant fire. The smudge meant healing, and the dot… the dot meant shielding, protecting.
And that category that you lie under is the element that you have full control over. The one that will render you capable of many things, the fire being the strongest and most lethal of the bunch. The healing was the one that normally came to those of meek souls, the quiet types. I had a feeling that Ezra would be one of them, and hoped the best for him in that sense.
But it was not the categories that scared me.
The queen herself would bless each and everyone of us with a kiss to the brow. A soft blessing, but one that would send our markings alight and we would find out who we truly were. Of course, in this act of touching, she would be able to see everything, everything we’ve ever felt, everything we’ve ever seen… and she would see Ezra in my heart. She would know the truth no matter how many blocks I would try to put up against it.


This is all a big dump/tell thing. Lots of information said straight to the audience.

Here's the thing. This is a fantasy world and, while it's awesome if you can get most of the culture and world across to the reader without doing this sort of thing, sometimes it's unavoidable. I get that. And it's really not that bad. On one condition. You can't lose the audience's attention. This was a very long information dump. And, while we're have to find out about it, you might want to try either doing it in less words or spreading it out more. For instance, some of it can be done in this form, but other details could come across later (or eariler) in dialogue or just through what happens. Or you could spread the dump out more. Like, a few little dumps are probably better than one giant one.

As it is I think it's slowing down the story. I understand you need to get this information across, but don't do it at the cost of story movement and reader attention.

That said, I liked it how it still sounded like Kirun was telling it, not some faceless narrator. Lots of people put on a Bland, Generic Narrator voice for dumps like this.

Over all the structure of this chapter reminded me a lot of the structure of the first.

The last one started with Kirun practicing archery. It opened with some action, but it wasn't plot-necessary. Rather it gave you the chance to inform us of important characters, conflicts, and important parts of the elven culture. So did this one. It opened with two characters pulling a prank. The scene's main point seems to be give us a demonstration in the differences in character between Kirun and Ezra and hint at some conflict.

Then, in both, the character/s go somewhere else. This demonstrates their elven skills.

Finally each chapter ends with interesting insight into Kirun and Ezra's relationship. Personally my favourite part in each chapters has been the ending.

Nothing wrong with any of that. Nothing at all. In fact it's good that everything you have in your story demonstrates characters/conflict/cultures as well as having something going on. I like it. However both chapters, at least to my eyes, were set out quite similarly. So you might want to keep that in might for future chapters.

GRAMMAR:

The only person in the world who could possibly ruin my excitement… I turned my eyes towards him for a brief second, seeing his defined, fourteen year old face, his wide mulberry eyes staring calmly at me.


I'd lose the dot dot dots in there. You've already used them in that paragraph, and in a similar way (one idea, trailing off ... enter related idea!).

You have some problems with the punctuation and capitalisation of letters at the end of quotation marks:

“Shh,” My eyes watched calculating as the sack of water dangled loosely from a branch right before the door of the one roomed school.

("my" doesn't need to be capitalised)

“You always ruin the fun,” I bit my lip trying to hold all the laughter inside.

(full stop instead of comma)

“I don’t want you to get in trouble,” Ezra turned his mulberry eyes this way and that, long pointed ears twitching somewhat, searching for any traces of movement coming nearer.

(full stop instead of comma)

“I get it, I get it,” my chuckles slowly subsided as I crouched up on the branch. “Race yah to the training area?”
“You bet,” he smiled for the first time that whole morning.

(full stop instead of comma ... for both)

“Process of elimination,” he shrugged.

(full stop. You can't say something by shrugging, therefore it's not a "s/he said" type tag that would need a comma, but rather an additional sentence.)

“Although I’m sad you realised it so quickly, I’m glad you found out for yourself,” I smiled.

(ditto above)

... and so forth. When the bit after the dialogue is "s/he said" (or variants like "s/he shouted") then you need a comma before the last quotation mark because that tag (the "s/he said" bit) is part of the sentence that is in the dialogue. When your character does something different it is a separate sentence, and therefore the end of the dialogue requires a full stop.

Anyway ... read THISby Snoink. It's awesome and she's awesome. Learn from the best.

He was brilliant, as he was beautiful.


He was as brilliant as he was beautiful.

WORD CHOICE:

A list of every laugh (assuming I didn't miss any) in the chapter:

“It’ll be fine,” I chuckled lightly although I was very sure he was right.

I couldn’t help but chuckle at his soft tenderness, something he did not display so blatantly to anyone else.

I broke out in laughter, hands suddenly clutching my stomach as I nearly rolled off the side of the tree.

“You always ruin the fun,” I bit my lip trying to hold all the laughter inside.

“I get it, I get it,” my chuckles slowly subsided as I crouched up on the branch.

After chuckling for a few moments, we went completely silent.


That's four "chuckles" against two "laughs". Why? Really. I guess I'm not a fan of the word "chuckled" in any context, but seriously, it's not a good one to repeat this much. We want the story to flow nicely. All these "chuckled"s are giant boulders in the path of your story. Very, very noticable.

In a similar line ... mulberry eyes. Ok, not bad the first time. We get a very clear idea of what colour his eyes are. But I don't think you ever just say "his eyes". It's always "his mulberry eyes". We need a little break from the word.

“I thought it would look dashing and fine in your locks,”


I would lose either "dashing" or "fine". One descriptor is enough there. Two slow it down.

DESCRIPTION:

For most of the story I think you have the right idea. It's all worked into the action and stuff. However I think you go a little overboard. A lot of the description is quite sugary. Everything is "wonderful" or "beautiful". It isn't very ... solid description.

Here. This is Snoink on DESCRIPTION. The bit I'd like you to look at in particular is the bit about the boulders on the poles.

And our fabricated world would be ripped open.


I liked this. "Fabricated world" is a cool description. Plus, it gets across the conflict the characters will encounter very clearly.

CHARACTERS:

You have a lot of description of Ezra. Which is interesting, because it's Kirun doing the telling, so it says things about Kirun. Just throwing ideas around ... but is this going to reflect changes in their relationship through the story? Because that might be cool. If they had a fight or something and there were less focus on Ezra for example. Or whatever.

(One thing. The Ezra description sort of fits under what I was talking about before. So ... if you keep up all the "wonderful"s and "silkens hair"s and "mulberry eyes" throughout the whole story ... that might get annoying for some people.)

I really liked the bit at the end where Ezra and Kirun kiss. It's good how Kirun pulls away the first time, and how Ezra gets annoyed and argues with him about it. It shows a lot about their relationship and how each of them feel about their situation. Also, it does a lot to eliminated any over-sappy-ness that often occurs when two "perfect partners" finally have their first kiss.

We learnt a little about the differences between Esmerelda as a mother and Kirun's father as a father. One is very honest and open, the other keeps things hidden to protect. They both act this way because they think it is best for their children. I like the contrast.

IN CONCLUSION:

So yeah. Good job. I'm really liking Kirun and Ezra's relationship and your demonstration of it. My main point of possible improvement would be the description. Like I said, you incorporate it well into the story, you just need it to be less generic and more solid. Plus, improving in this area will help you with every story you ever write (although ... that could probably be said of anything).

Happy writing!




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Mon Feb 23, 2009 4:18 am
Matthemus wrote a review...



Great!
Your plot is wonderful, and even though the speech is in a few places a tiny bit static, it keeps me pulled into the story. The conflict of the story is an interesting one, this also keeps me interested. You also have paragraphs that don't have any speech that are very short, i would work on making those a bit larger.

You do, however, have grammar mistakes, still have a few commas where periods should be. And as I said last time you sometimes use too many words, or you over describe, but this isn't a huge problem. One other thing is that your character speech at points (and in very small ways) is a little static and cliche'.

Keep writing! I'll be coming for more of this story!

Edit: P.S it'd be awesome if you could PM when you post the next chapter of this! Thanks if you do!




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52 Reviews


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Mon Feb 23, 2009 1:18 am
chipsandguacamollie wrote a review...



I can't believe how much I enjoy reading this. It has a fantastic plot, great characters, and is amazingly well written. There are a few small errors though. Whenever you use the word 'though' in a sentence, a comma has to come before and after it. And there has to be a comma before you say 'but' as well. And in this sentence, "I broke out in laughter, hands suddenly clutching my stomach as I nearly rolled off the side of the tree," is it Kirun's hands clutching his stomach? I'd specify that. This sentence is also a little awkward: "Of course this only lead to my howls of chuckles as I rested against the trunk of the tree joyously." Maybe just think of another way to say it, and leave out "howls of chuckles." There was also one instance of tense change, from past to present, that I can't seem to locate, so watch out for that. But those are the only critiques I have. Please, keep posting! Gold star.





It is a happiness to wonder; it is a happiness to dream.
— Edgar Allan Poe