Young Writers Society

Okay, this was something i wrote that might be a little confusing, cause you have to catch onto things about the culture I'm slowely trying to create.

Please, I'm looking for harsh reviews. This is one of the many storylines that belong to a specific realm i created and i just want to know if i should pursue this area. I know it's a little long.

Chapter 1: Brothers


I knocked the bow with an ease, a grace that no one of the tender age of 8 should have been able to do. #FF00FF ">This opening line snagged me. I want to know more about this character. Of course I never really thought much of it as I placed my fingers against the light swan feathers that marked my bows #FF00FF ">ooh swan feathers! , my eyes jetting towards the marks 50 yards in the distance. I could hit the marks#FF00BF ">them without even trying.

“Kirun, we have to get back soon…” Saira tugged at one of her curly locks, her small feet shuffling back and forth. Although she showed she did not wish to stay longer, her eyes were showing a much deeper reason. A reason that I could not possibly understand, at least not yet. They showed the site #FF4000 ">sight of a small boy no more then our age, hair the colour of rose petals and eyes as soft as butterscotch. Her one and only as my father had told me once. #FF0000 ">this whole paragraph was very confusing to me. I don’t know what’s going on.

“Give me a minute!” I #FF0040 ">whined whining implied that you’re annoyed, so you don’t need it annoyed. I hated it when people tried hurrying me to get to their other halves, and it was always as such. No matter who I wished to spend time with they would always leave me to spend most of their time with that specific person. Why was I so different? Was it because I hadn’t met mine yet? It wasn’t fair… #FF00FF ">again, it’s confusing. Maybe it’s a little too early in the story to get into this yet. We haven’t settled down in your world yet.

I scrunched my brow, teeth biting into my lower lip as I raised my bow high, arrow knocked and ready to fly. My eyes flashed to the first mark and without hesitation the arrow flew with dead accuracy. In mere seconds the arrow hit the mark dead on, the tree shaking from the force of the impact #FF00FF ">if this is literal, it must‘ve been a twig of a tree. I whistled triumphantly at the sight of how much my strength had grown. Of course I was not finished yet. My eyes focused on the mark a good 10 feet farther from the first and in with one fluid motion I knocked another arrow and set it loose towards the steady oak tree. Bulls-eye. The arrow hit with the same force as the first.

I could hear Saira clapping for me, her light cheers sounding like the gentle peals of twinkling bells. That made me smile and skip over the next five marks straight to the last mark nearly 200 feet away. I could hear her gasp lightly in surprise and it only made me smile further as I pulled the knocked arrow back so far the string felt as if it would snap at any second. Of course I knew better then to think the string would snap for it was made of the finest horse hair, and blessed by the queen herself. No way would it fail me.

I set the arrow flying straight towards its destination and without any fear it hit the mark I had intended it to. The tree nearly fell over from the sheer force that had struck it which only seemed to excite me more. My arm that held the bow up fell back down to my side, quiver sitting close to empty on my back. I turned around to see that Saira had completely disappeared and I knew exactly why. The excitement that had run through me a few moments earlier seemed to have died away leaving only the childish annoyance and selfishness. #FF00FF ">she disappeared because your excitement left for annoyance and selfishness?
I leaned my back against the old oak tree behind me and smiled weakly, the grass underneath me scraping #FF0000 ">unless it’s prickly, grass doesn’t ‘scrape’ it would brush or sway or something. against the backs of my legs. I could feel the calluses on the tips of my fingers as I tucked a small blond braid behind my ear tiredly, my head resting ever so gently against the bark, listening to the small bugs as they made their journeys around the old oak.


As the time grew #FF00FF ">passed though#FF0000 "> comma I Realised#FF0040 "> realized it had been getting late and that papa would be worried about me soon. He was always becoming worried about me and saying that I needed to stay near home but I did not know why.#FF0080 "> semicolon here. Both sentences are very closely related The other parents were much kinder when it came to letting their children run around and play. I didn’t know why I was so special…

I stood up silently throwing the bow over my shoulder easily and ran off to find the arrows that I had shot earlier.

#BF00FF ">You really need to watch your adverbs. Frankly, you put them in when they don’t need to be. Unnecessary adverbs really slow down your prose.
“I stood up, throwing the bow over my shoulder with ease before running off to locate the arrows I had shot earlier.”
That’s how I would rephrase it. It’s really your choice, but I think you’ll find that if you delete half of the adverbs you use, your prose will go much smoother, much more clean.
* * *


My feet were silent against the dirt paths leading to the various homes way up in the trees above my head #FF00FF ">this is a huge sentence. Why not break it up into separate parts, so we can really get a feel of what this village in like?. I was stealthy, silent as baby fox. I reached home soon enough, and with an annoyed sigh I realised#FF00BF "> realized the fire was still going inside. That meant papa was still awake…

With an easy jump, I cleared half of the rope later#FF0080 "> ladder, one hand pushing me up two buy two, the other keeping a firm grip on the bow strung to my shoulder and the quiver shaking violently #FF0040 ">why was it shaking so much? You just climbing. I could imagine it swaying a bit, but ‘shaking violently’ gives me the image of being electrocuted. against my back. I nearly jumped up inside #FF00BF ">inside what? A window? when I had heard a voice inside #FF0040 ">you repeat ‘inside‘. A voice that was not my fathers#FF00BF "> father‘s . My eyes widened #FF0040 ">comma surprised at the sound of a maiden’s voice.

Silently, #FF0000 ">this is another instance of you using too many adverbs I kept my grip firmly on the rope ladder, calming my erratic breathing. Papa would be able to hear me easily if my breathing kept up like this.

“…seen Kirun already,” I caught on quickly at the sound of my name. It was the woman who was still speaking. “You know what will happen if this gets out.”

“I tried to delay this as long as possible #FF0080 ">comma but you know for a fact that we cannot keep the two boys away from each other for long, #FF00BF ">period” My fathers #FF00BF ">father’s deep, velvety voice was heard. A deep velvety voice it was. One that had spoken to me of very many things in the 8 years of my life. “An abomination this truly is… when the hell did this start to happen among the elves and why #FF00BF ">what the hell does it have to do with my son?”

“It was not my choice to have this happen either #FF0080 ">comma you know, #FF0000 ">period” the #FF0080 ">The voice of the woman became guarded. I was suddenly confused, my lips quivering softly. What were they speaking of?

“So you wish for Ezra to meet Kirun?” Father spoke again, this time his voice sounding desperate. “This could cause many problems…”

“You know I cannot deny my son the truth any longer#FF0040 "> comma Renoth,period” the woman’s voice was filled with authority.

“And you are sure he has seen my son?”

“He is constantly speaking of a boy who wields a bow,” she murmured softly. #FF00BF ">comma “One that can shoot arrows for 200 feet. I know of only one child that could hit a mark of 200 feet Renoth.”

“How did it ever get to this…”

“One of us should have left this place,” she said, this time her voice perking back up again to full volume. “Even if we were to be labelled #FF0000 ">labeled deserters. Now my son will be burdened with something that none of us can let happen.”
“There is no use in focusing on the past but more or less the present #FF0000 ">what does this last part mean? more or less the present? ,” father spoke again #FF0000 ">comma this time without the annoyance and desperation. “Bring your son here tomorrow morning and we shall see what will happen. I don’t think this is the best decision to have them both be introduced to each other but in all rightness it is only fair. One should not have to suffer.”

“I am sorry to have to do this to you Renoth #FF00BF ">why does she keep repeating his name after practically every sentence? In a real conversation, this would never happen. In writing, it feels a little annoying. ,” I could hear the sincerity in her voice and something seemed to drop in the pit of my stomach. Something was definitely off. Father never sounded like that… #FF0040 ">sounded like what? It was the woman who was speaking, was it not? Where does he get off talking about his father‘s voice? “Maybe in a different life this might not have had to happen but the fact of the matter is I refuse to let my son suffer alone. Your son is also probably wondering why he doesn’t have his match yet.”

“He has asked me about that…”

“Its #FF0000 ">It’s about time we stopped running from this. It was #FF0040 ">will be (a destiny is a thing of the future, not past tense) in their destinies. We shall speak with the queen of these matter #FF00BF ">matters later.”

“The queen shouldn’t be involved in these matters at the present moment,” father’s voice quickly cut in. “Although the circumstances are grave, the boys are still young and do not understand such emotions yet. Give it some time.”

“The more time you wait, the harder it will be to tear them apart…”

I knew I had heard enough. Quickly, I climbed onto the ledge and up to the entrance of the house. Father was sitting on a cushion beside the cooking fire #FF0080 ">period. A woman with perfect posture and long ebony hair sat opposite him. which a woman with ebony hair and black eyes was sitting on the other side of, her posture absolutely flawless.I was surprised at the beauty that beheld her so, her ivory skin silken and soft looking, pointed ears pierced and perfectly straight. Even her eyebrows were at a perfect arch. Most elves were beautiful creatures but this woman was something much more then that #FF0080 ">great description! I have a very interesting image in my mind . Father on the other hand seemed completely tensed up, his face seeming to be stuck in a permanentscowl. His eyes glimpsed glanced at me briefly before turning back towards the woman again. Father was said to be very handsome in his youth, straw blonde hair, soft peachy skin, green eyes so brilliant that the humans seemed to swoon over him whenever he came near#FF0040 "> so you‘re saying he wasn‘t handsome anymore?. I didn’t see that though for all I saw was my father. The one who had raised me all my life.

“It would be best if you got home to your son,” he murmured, his leaf green eyes seeming to stare holes in the woman. “We shall see you tomorrow morning at first light.”

“As you wish,” she bowed softly and then in the blink of an eye #FF00FF ">comma or so it seemed. #FF00BF ">comma she disappeared. I quickly turned my attention towards father.

“What was that abo…”

“Go to bed,” father suddenly spoke, his face blank.

“But I…”

“Don’t question, just go,” he grumbled.

I didn’t question. Silently I strode to bed hoping that he was not in a terribly angry mood. Of course I could not shake the feeling that something bad was about to happen. Father was never like that ever… in all my years he had been the strong person who never feared anything. That voice though… that voice was one I could not recognize. I pulled the covers up higher, the hammock swinging somewhat as I did but I never got afraid of falling out of it. I was too used to it by now.

When sleep finally came to methoughmy dreams were not of the happy kind. No, they were of the same things I always dreamed about when something didn’t feel quite right. Dreams of being alone forever… #FF0080 ">Either be more specific or leave this paragraph out. It’s too vague and irrelevant.
* * *


“Son #FF0000 ">comma it is time to wake up, #FF0080 ">period” I blinked my eyes lightly, confused. It wasn’t like my father to wake me so early for anything#FF00FF "> comma especially when there was no training for the day. I looked up to see the bright green eyes staring down at me and I knew he was reading something inside me for his pupils became slits just as mine had always done when I searched for the thoughts inside someone else. Of course, being as young as I was, I tried to read fathers#FF0040 "> father’s thoughts to see what was up only to see nothing at all. Skilled as I was at reading, my father was much more skilled at blocking.

“You shall see everything you need to know when it comes of time, #FF00BF ">period ” Father stood up straight. “Now come along #FF0080 ">comma child. This morning you shall meet someone very special.”

“Special #FF00BF ">comma father?” I asked quickly, jumping out of bed. Was this the special person he was speaking of yesterday to the ebony haired woman about]? I found myself becoming apprehensive about the whole thing for father did not seem to be in any greater moods. #FF0040 ">this last sentence isn’t phrased very well and sounds strange.
“Yes, very special,” he murmured more to himself then to me.

“Who is he#FF0000 "> comma father?” I asked curiously. #FF00BF ">comma “A new friend?”

“You shall see,#FF00BF "> period ” father walked into the main room that was still chill from the night. “Now get changed and meet me outside.”

“Yes #FF00BF ">comma father,” I said obediently and walked back down the hall towards my room once again. Father’s word was law to me and I would appease him no matter what.

After a few more minutes I finally remerged from my room wearing a clean red tunic and tan coloured trousers, my boots already tied up to my knees #FF0040 ">and ready for the day. I tied my mother’s mystic-fire topaz crystal around my neck, grabbing my bow and quiver from against the entrance. I then, with one swift jump, leapt out the entrance, arms stretched out behind me as I entered straight into the air. The feeling of flight excited me and woke me from the tiredness that had weighed me down earlier, the oxygen entering my lungs filling me with a wild enthusiasm that only a child could possibly feel. An adrenaline rush that came from the thought of falling into the bitter nothingness.

But sadly all good things have an end and my feet landed gently against the ground, my arms and back stretching up like a dancer finishing a routine. As always, my bow was still strung over my shoulder, hardly disturbed from the sudden drop, every arrow still sitting in the stiff quiver. Nowthough I could feel my fathers#FF00BF "> father’s hand against my shoulder signalizing that I needed to turn around.

“Kirun, that was reckless,” he murmured. “We have a ladder for a reason.” #FF0080 ">haha
“Yes #FF00FF ">comma father…” I murmured softly embarrassed. I had forgotten that I was supposed to use it both ways as was a rule that father had created from the first time I was able to climb.

“Come child,” he beckoned me forward softly and I followed him. “I wish to see how your training is going with your bow…”

“I thought you said there was someone important that I’m supposed to meet?” I added quickly, following behind him like a lost puppy.

“All in due to my child#FF00BF "> did you mean ‘all in due time, my child,’? ,” he murmured gently. “All in due time.”

I then followed father towards the training area that I had made specifically for bow training. It was a 30 minute walk from home and that half hour seemed the longest half hour of my life. I knew though as soon as we got there, #FF0040 ">no comma I wouldn’t be showing off my archer skills, I was almost sure of.
When we finally arrived, I saw the woman from the night before standing tall, a child standing behind her, hiding. I was curious as to who the child was and quickly turned my eyes towards father in wonderment.

“Renoth,” the woman whispered #FF00FF ">I doubt she actually whispered this. Today she had dangly earrings on, twinkling stars shining brightly against her hair. I was mystified. Although I knew this feeling was only adoration and nothing more then that, I couldn’t help but feel a spark of something when I looked at the woman and I didn’t know why.

“Esmeralda,” father spoke her name with such authority it was as if they were not even friends. Merely acquaintances, and from how father looked at her I could tell he wanted nothing to do with the woman. “He seems shy.”

“Terribly so,” she murmured softly, her hand beckoning for the child to come forth. “Ezra… Ezra dear.”

“Mommy#FF0040 "> comma I don’t want to…” a small voice said from behind her. I didn’t know why but I found myself enjoying the sound of it, as much as I would enjoy the sounds of the panpipes when my father played them or the memories of mother’s soft lullabies. #FF0040 ">good description
“Esmeralda, if you wish to do this another time I would understand,” father looked as if he would want nothing more then just that.

“No, this is the time and place Renoth,” she hissed through her teeth. #FF00BF ">that‘s pretty harsh to be hissing this. Why the overreaction? “Ezra dearest, don’t you want to meet Kirun?”

“Yes…”

“There is nothing to be afraid of #FF0040 ">comma boy,” father spoke in a gentle voice like the one he used to use when I was scared. I was not so often scared anymore so there wasn’t much need for him to use the voice… although I was not pleased to hear father use that voice for another. “Kirun wouldn’t hurt a fly.”

“I know that…” Ezra whispered softly. “Momma, what if he doesn’t like me?”

“You’re worried for #FF0040 ">naught not,” The woman named Esmeralda spoke. “He will like you.”

“O-Okay…mama…” the boy slowly peaked#FF0000 "> peeked half of his face from behind his mother’s leg, bright mulberry purple being the first thing that entered my mind.

And I was lost. Lost in a strange world of colours and scents. A paranormal world where it was just him and me. I couldn’t explain the excitement and the shock that seemed to have run through my veins at the site of him. Butterflies seemed to enter my stomach and explode making me feel giddy and sick all at the same time. What was this? Why could I see no one but him?

“I’m Ezra…” he squeaked lightly before hiding behind his mothers leg again.

“Papa…” I whispered softly tugging at his sleeve. “Papa… I don’t feel so good…”

“So it has happened,” father bowed his head gently. “Now I think it would be best we let them spend some time together #FF0000 ">comma wouldn’t you?”

“Yes #FF0000 ">comma that does seem appropriate,” Esmeralda followed father away. I grabbed onto fathers sleeve still confused but he only shook me away.

“I want you home before lunch,” he murmured softly. “You may bring him with you if that is what you wish.”

“Papa!” I was lost for words. I didn’t like this feeling inside of me. It wasn’t right.

“The same for you #FF0040 ">comma Ezra,” Esmeralda murmured #FF0080 ">you overuse the word ‘murmured‘. You use it for practically every dialogue tag. It gets boring and repetitive . “You may go with them if you want.”

I turned my eyes back towards Ezra who seemed to start blushing a bright crimson. I suddenly realised#FF0040 "> realized with a slight shock that his hair was just as long and black as his mothers #FF0040 ">mother’s and his skin just as soft and silken. The only difference was the childish roundness around his face and the wideness of his mulberry eyes. Even his ears were pierced but more then once all up the slanted cartilage. He was… beautiful to say the least…

“W…would you like to be my friend?” he#FF0000 "> his cheeks reddened even more, knees buckling lightly.

“Y-Yah…” I was finding it hard to speak to him. I had to see what he was seeing… had to know how he was feeling… cause #FF0000 ">because this feeling running through me was too weird, to surreal. I walked towards him, arms outstretched. He seemed surprised by this until I stopped in front of him, hands now gently on his shoulders as my eyes dilated.

And there was a connection there that tied us together. One so strong… so strong I could hardly comprehend it…I was eternally bonded with him just as I had seen all the others find their bonds with the other elves… but something wasn’t right…

“We are both boys…” I murmured #FF00BF ">comma confused.

“Mama said we are the first,” he twiddled his fingers shyly. “She wants to speak to the queen about this…”

“But isn’t this bad?” I cocked my head to the side confused #FF00FF ">you also repeat confused a lot.
“Mama said it couldn’t be helped…” Ezra bit down on his lower lip. “That we are meant to be closer then #FF00FF ">than brothers.”

“But papa told me that you marry your other half,” I put my finger to my lips. “We are supposed to marry each other?”

Ezra started to chuckle lightly at the comment and I couldn’t help but chuckle along with him. The situation seemed utterly ridiculous in a sense and I didn’t want to really understand it. Maybe it was as Ezra said… that we were to be closer then brothers. So that would be what needed to be…

“Do you like archery?” I asked trying to find common ground.

“No… but I draw…”

“Draw?” I scoffed. I didn’t meant to put it that way but it was a very girly thing to do. Drawing wasn’t normally a male job. “Anything else?”

“I…I can fence a little bit…” he looked down at his feet embarrassed.

“That’s awesome!” I smiled widely. Although I was not very good with a sword, it was something I knew I could try to learn for him. “Do you wanna play?”

Ezra nodded, a smile crossing his cheeks softly.

I grabbed his hand and pulled him after me to go back home so we could pick up some practicing wood swords.

Again thank you all so very much for you reviews and time! It's really a confidence boost having so many wonderful reviews and I'm glad you all told me of these things.

(Oh and the girl isn't his sister.. she's just a random generic elf girl that I created so Kirun could have a nice little angsty moment . Again, thank you all and I will try to fix up anything that needs to be fixed.

Ciao
-The.Dreamwalker

I agree one hundred percent with Midnight Vampire, besides the fact that there is nothing to edit, because I found one thing to critique. The bit with Kirun's sister seems kind of rushed, like you don't really bring her in enough. I mean, if his sister is a very minor character, you can leave it. But if she comes in to the story again, I'd say something else about her appearance, or even mention her name. Other than that, amazingly well written, fascinating idea, and I really want to read the next part! Gold star!

Your such an awesome writer. I found no mistakes so I must say this:

*GOLD STAR*

I adore this so much. And if it were a book, I would be reading it right now. So, please (with cherries on top and such) tell me when you get a new part out because I'll definetly read it.And maybe next time I'll be able to help you in the slightest bit.

MV

Hi there! I thought this was a pretty good piece of work, and somewhat unusual, but in the good unique way. I have to admit i never thought i would see a gay elf story (dont get me wrong i support gay rights) but maybe i am just out of the loop? Anywho..

It was written decently overall, i noticed a few grammatical errors, such as comas where periods should have been and such, but I think the biggest problem was that you had a lot of words that weren't necessary and extended a description or sentence too far, making it somewhat run on-ey.

I hope i helped you somewhat
Have a good day!

*giggles* Gay elves?

But we have not been introduced. Hello! I'm El. Or Lucy, if you prefer. And I am here to review your work! *flourishes red pen*

Anyway, back to the gay elves thing. I love it. Fantastic idea. I'm going to have to beg you to continue this idea just for that. Even if their connection turns out to be more of a friendship thing than a sexual thing it's still a pretty cool twist on the norm.

CHARACTERS:

I knocked the bow with an ease, a grace that no one of the tender age of 8 should have been able to do. Of course I never really thought much of it as I placed my fingers against the light swan feathers that marked my bows, my eyes jetting towards the marks 50 yards in the distance. I could hit the marks without even trying.

I scrunched my brow, teeth biting into my lower lip as I raised my bow high, arrow knocked and ready to fly. My eyes flashed to the first mark and without hesitation the arrow flew with dead accuracy. In mere seconds the arrow hit the mark dead on, the tree shaking from the force of the impact. I whistled triumphantly at the sight of how much my strength had grown. Of course I was not finished yet. My eyes focused on the mark a good 10 feet farther from the first and in with one fluid motion I knocked another arrow and set it loose towards the steady oak tree. Bulls-eye. The arrow hit with the same force as the first.

he excitement that had run through me a few moments earlier seemed to have died away leaving only the childish annoyance and selfishness.

“Yes father,” I said obediently and walked back down the hall towards my room once again.

“But papa told me that you marry your other half,” I put my finger to my lips. “We are supposed to marry each other?”

“Draw?” I scoffed. I didn’t meant to put it that way but it was a very girly thing to do. Drawing wasn’t normally a male job. “Anything else?”

I hated it when people tried hurrying me to get to their other halves, and it was always as such. No matter who I wished to spend time with they would always leave me to spend most of their time with that specific person. Why was I so different? Was it because I hadn’t met mine yet? It wasn’t fair…

I didn’t know why I was so special…

Dreams of being alone forever…

“…seen Kirun already,” I caught on quickly at the sound of my name. It was the woman who was still speaking. “You know what will happen if this gets out.”

Of course I knew better then to think the string would snap for it was made of the finest horse hair, and blessed by the queen herself. No way would it fail me.

“Esmeralda,”

Father was sitting on a cushion beside the cooking fire which a woman with ebony hair and black eyes was sitting on the other side of, her posture absolutely flawless. I was surprised at the beauty that beheld her so, her ivory skin silken and soft looking, pointed ears pierced and perfectly straight. Even her eyebrows were at a perfect arch. Most elves were beautiful creatures but this woman was something much more then that. Father on the other hand seemed completely tensed up, his face seeming to be stuck in a permanent scowl. His eyes glimpsed at me briefly before turning back towards the woman again. Father was said to be very handsome in his youth, straw blonde hair, soft peachy skin, green eyes so brilliant that the humans seemed to swoon over him whenever he came near. I didn’t see that though for all I saw was my father. The one who had raised me all my life.

“Kirun, we have to get back soon…” Saira tugged at one of her curly locks, her small feet shuffling back and forth.

Although she showed she did not wish to stay longer, her eyes were showing a much deeper reason.

A reason that I could not possibly understand, at least not yet. They showed the site of a small boy no more then our age, hair the colour of rose petals and eyes as soft as butterscotch. Her one and only as my father had told me once.

“Give me a minute!” I whined annoyed.

My eyes flashed to the first mark and without hesitation the arrow flew with dead accuracy. In mere seconds the arrow hit the mark dead on, the tree shaking from the force of the impact. I whistled triumphantly at the sight of how much my strength had grown

I set the arrow flying straight towards its destination and without any fear it hit the mark I had intended it to.

I was stealthy, silent as baby fox.

I reached home soon enough, and with an annoyed sigh I realised the fire was still going inside. That meant papa was still awake…

With an easy jump, I cleared half of the rope later, one hand pushing me up two buy two, the other keeping a firm grip on the bow strung to my shoulder and the quiver shaking violently against my back.

A voice that was not my fathers.

My eyes widened surprised at the sound of a maiden’s voice.

A deep velvety voice it was.

“It was not my choice to have this happen either you know,” the voice of the woman became guarded.

“So you wish for Ezra to meet Kirun?” Father spoke again, this time his voice sounding desperate. “This could cause many problems…”

“You know I cannot deny my son the truth any longer Renoth,” the woman’s voice was filled with authority.

Now though I could feel my fathers hand against my shoulder signalizing that I needed to turn around.

thank you all for your reviews!

FINISH IT!
PLEASE POST MORE!
I BEG OF YOU!
Haha...
I have to say, that was one of the most interesting stories I've read in ages!
I can now call myself a fan! I loved it and I Didn't want it to end!
I think it's great that Kirun is only 8 and is a skilled archer, it shows he's special and will do great things. Could you PM me and tell me what the rest of the story is about? i really really REALLY want to know!
I know I sound a bit over enthusiastic but i just really enjoyed reading it!
^^

This was really amazing, and I really don't have any hard criticism. I think that I understand the world you are trying to portray, and I like but I am still intrigued, by the sex part of it. The little boy seems to be girly, and I think that is the image you are trying to give, but I think that Kirun is to comfortable with being matched with a boy. His reaction is to calm and controlled especially for an eight year old. I think he would be more afraid, and almost angry in his fright. I also don't understand why they find their matches (from what I gather) at eight. Would, I am asking, it make more sense to have him feel this emotion at age ten to thirteen. I remember that most of my friends and I started to have feelings for the opposite sex in about third grade, that would have made us eight, but they were not really serious. The more intimate feelings come once you get into higher grade levels, and maturity levels. I don't think that an eight year old would think about a definite match for life but I like the general idea. I also think that the father calls his son 'son' to much. A parent would more likely call their child by their given name. i just seems a little weird. Other than that I love this start.

Howdy. That was a great read, not what i was expecting when i clicked the title, but interesting nonetheless. I really enjoy this little culture your creating. You've got some cool new idea's for the elven race, what with the pairings and maturity of even younger elves. It felt as if I was reading about a 14/15 year old haha. Too be honest I haven't got much to crit other than that you could color the settings a bit more, the detail seemed to be more on the other elves which i suppose is good, but I could barely tell what His house looked like. I look forward to reading more.

Take care.

Hello! I'm thunder, TD7, whatever you want to call me. I'll be you critic for the few minutes before another person jumps on board with reviewing this. First chapters can be rare here, do when one comes up, people usually jump on it.

I knocked the bow with [s]an[/s] ease, a grace that no one of the tender age of 8 should have been able to do. Of course I never really thought much of it as I placed my fingers against the light swan feathers that marked my bows, my eyes jetting towards the marks 50 yards in the distance. I could hit the marks without even trying.

“Give me a minute!” I whined annoyed.

I hated it when people tried hurrying me to get to their other halves, and it was always as such. No matter who I wished to spend time with they would always leave me to spend most of their time with that specific person. Why was I so different? Was it because I hadn’t met mine yet? It wasn’t fair…

Of course I knew better then to think the string would snap for it was made of the finest horse hair, and blessed by the queen herself. No way would it fail me.