Alright, this is just a little short story I did. It's a little bit twisted and I didn't quite know if I should have put it under fantasy fiction or not, but its mostly underlined romance. Please, harsh reviews are much abilged and I love feedback!
Butterfly Wings
Love was something I thought I understood. It was such a simple concept, but was it really supposed to hurt this much? I could still recall those few moments I had spent with him, his smile so gentle, so light. I remember each and every one like they just happened, his eyes filling with such a profound passion. A will.
When I had first laid eyes on him, I just stood over the water, wings flapping lightly as I flew closer. He was sitting there, a stick in his hand, as he poked and prodded the gentle waves. Just a human. I was used to such belittled creatures as they seemed to find such joy sitting around my lake. This place, the place I had protected for many a centuries, was the place I called home.
But I never expected to see him look up, his eyes peering directly at me, a smile gracing his tanned cheeks. His fingers merely pushed his glasses up his nose, his free hand giving a curt wave. My heart stopped at such a gesture, and I quickly turned my head the other way searching for another human presence, maybe, that he could have been waving towards, but there was nothing. Just me. I had turned back towards him, gentle chuckles peeling from his lightly parted mouth.
“Yes, I’m waving at you,” the first thing he ever said to me. Those words… those words meant everything.
After that moment, that brief introduction, the world felt like it was standing still. Life itself seemed so much more pleasant, the reality of things becoming fairly apparent. His name was Gen. A brown haired, hazel eyed human, but he could see me. Never had I heard such a thing as this for I was but merely a butterfly spirit, guarding a lake that no one cared to know of.
As time grew though, his visits became regular, and everyday, I found myself becoming closer and closer to him. We’d talk for hours, him and me, of the human world and how quick paced everything was when all you had was such a short time to live. I told him of my life too, of the pleasant afternoons with the other spirits, and the peaceful nights, alone with the moonlight. Everyday there was something new and exciting to learn about each other, every moment special in itself.
And I couldn’t help but fall in love with him.
It was apparent from the moment he first laid eyes on me. The moment that little smile became visible. I had fallen for a human, and the human had fallen for me. Days spent together by the lake, holding hands, simple gestures. Sometimes, he would stay till the wee hours of the morning, singing gentle human lullabies to me even though he knew I could not sleep. It was my first love. My first real taste at emotions that once seemed to simple to me. So easy to understand.
Life was wonderful when he was near, but dreamlike. All dreams come to an end though, and ours came so abruptly, so harshly, nothing ever seemed to be the same.
That day, the day he came to the lake crying, his eyes searching everywhere for me but they could not see me any longer.
“Lila,” he murmured hopelessly. “Lila.. Please, talk to me… say something… anything…”
“Gen, I’m here,” I whispered over and over as he fell to his knees, hands grasping his hair tightly. “I’m here, Gen.”
“Lila, I love you,” he sobbed. “Why do you not answer me? Why?”
My heart broke that day, the moment he spoke those words. As he aged, his eyes lost the ability to see beyond what most humans see. With adulthood came the understanding of truths, and the truth of the matter was that we could no longer be.
He came everyday though after that. Always, at the same time. During the winter, he would bundle up tightly in warm coats and he would sit till darkness hit the hills, watching, waiting for my return. The ironic part was that I had never left. Autumn was the saddest of all seasons, for the leaves fell, and the chill brought tears to his eyes, as they did mine. I would hold him in my arms, crying. Tell him that I had always loved him and that things were alright.
He didn’t hear me. He couldn’t feel my touches.
Time passed, and with time came his aging. His body changed, his once brown locks now speckled with grey, his bright hazel eyes now dim and cold. Thin wrinkles appeared across his flesh, and yet, everyday he returned. Everyday I told him I loved him, and that things would be okay. Everyday he smiled that same, beautiful smile.
And then, one day he didn’t return.
I knew why. I always knew that this day would come, and that he would leave me for the afterlife, but such a bitter, twisted ending made my heart ache a thousand times over. Although time could not heal the wounds that I felt, I knew in my heart that he was happy now, and that maybe he knew I loved him. Maybe he finally knew that I did not leave him, and that my heart was his.
And maybe, he always knew.
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139,529 Literary Works • 672,599 Reviews
I really liked it! It was unique and it had a topic that I would never ever think of. I liked how it was simple, but it made you want to keep reading after it was over.
I wish, though, that you had added a some explanations so some people won't get confused after a few paragraphs. Adding some explanations, would also make people become more attached to the characters and understand how they are affected by what happens.
But, all in all I liked it. Hope that helps!
I quite liked it
It was very original and... I suppose the word is mesmerizing<<(I don't know if I spelt that properly:P) Sorry, I'm far too tired to do a full on critique, but i didn't see much wrong with it 
Hope that helps 
. Anyways, I loved how it was so simple, yet effective. Great Job(Y)
Thank you all kindly for your reviews and it's really nice to know that I did well. I loved the people who really full-out critiqued me, but the simple reviews were very confidence boosting and I thank you all so much for your time and that you read my story *beems*
And yes I know it was a little vague. In fact, I sort of wanted to leave it that way to give a feel of wonderment to the reader when the finished. the butterfly spirit is what it is, sort of like a fairy in my imagination, but to anyone else I would think it amazing to imagine whatever they felt like making her look. Sort of giving the reader free based ideas.
And the boys age... that i was a little too vague on. Whoops. But yah in the beginning she meets him around the age of 19, 20 years ish. Later on in the story he's about 30ish when he lost his sight of her and of the world of creature that was spirits. The feel was supposed to show that this boy was special because of his ability to see them as spirits hence why she was suprised and why he showed up at the lake crying. The whole teary-eyed bliss gives it the feel i was trying to get at.
But again, I can be terribly vague. The idea came at 11 o' clock on a thursday so I had to right it real quick since 10 o'clock is usually my cut off when it comes to writing.
But honestly, thank you all so much for your time and compliments. And the things that I should fix are going to help me a long way. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Ciao
-The.Dreamwalker
Dreamwalker,
I was so taken with your story, so wrapped up in the words, I could not critique it. My apologize. But, as I see before me, many have already done so. My review would probably just be the same thing, just reworded.
I loved this short story. It was abrubt in every way and so, so, so beautiful.
In the beginning, I actually thought she was a butterfly. I think, maybe, I don't know, you could explain what exactly a 'butterfly spirit' is. Are there rules to why she couldnt leave the river?
Another thing is that you didnt mention the boy's age. If he is a teenager, well that makes it all the sadder. I mean, a whole life having the one you love just dissapear. Not very nice.
Well, there isnt much more I can say. Great job. I'd love to see more of your writing sometime. PM me for anything. XD
--Jas
That was so sad but sweet, and I'm a sucker for bittersweet stories. XD This gets a gold star from me. :3
The lullabies bit was my favorite. <3
I just wish this story were expanded a bit more. There's room for a little more description of their relationship without losing the overall simplicity (which I liked), and it would really help boost the emotional impact of their forbidden love.
Still, this is excellent as is. :3
Ouch--their situation sucked tragically, however, AWSOME writing. (I know all caps are "teh bad", but it was a requirement.)
Everyone's been so detailed with the critiques that really all I can do further for you is compliment you.
You did an amazing job at drawing me into the story and provoking an emotional response (darn you). I could really feel myself getting all melancholy and sad.
And I could understand the "prodding of the waves", it gave me a sense of boredom and loneliness.
I love it because it was real love that both they experienced but it was sad because they were so different and could never be together in the end. It's kind of like Romeo and Juliet in a less violent way. It was sweet and I really liked it. Meep!
Dreamwalker, I just have to say that I really loved this piece of work- it was so original and different, not just that, the simplicity makes it altogether beautiful. The whole idea of forbidden love was really nice and the fact that she is a butterfly spirit- AWSOME!
"Days spent together by the lake, holding hands, simple gestures. " Holding hands? I don't understand, she has wings.
I don't have a lot of crits:
1) "his eyes filling with such a profound passion. A will." profound passion- A will.
2) " I just stood over the water, wings flapping lightly as I flew closer." You use the word stood even though she is flying, maybe hovered would work better?
3)"I was used to such belittled creatures as they seemed to find such joy sitting around my lake." right, I think that the word 'such' is repeated to much. Maybe you should replace the second such with a different word?
4) I agree that the word "peeling" doesn't fit.
5) "Never had I heard such a thing as this for I was but merely a butterfly spirit, guarding a lake that no one cared to know of." I like this sentence, the way it is put together, well done.
6)"It was apparent from the moment he first laid eyes on me. The moment that little smile became visible. I had fallen for a human, and the human had fallen for me." I also liked this sentence, beautiful, but I think you should use '-' more instead of a full stop.
7) "Lila, I love you,” he sobbed. “Why do you not answer me? Why?” " 'do you not' doesn't seem right, in the climax of emotions he would not care about speaking correctly, I think it would fit better if he said "Why don't you answer?" But still, why does he ask this if he knows? Maybe you should add something like" he asked, already certain of the answer" or something, that'll add to the whole feeling of hopelessness.
9)"That day, the day he came to the lake crying, his eyes searching everywhere for me but they could not see me any longer." I agree about the fact that he was already crying before he knew he couldn't see her?
10) "Please, talk to me… say something… anything…” 'say something, anything' that line is used too much in life/history/movies, maybe he could say something else that would fit with his character even better, even if he just says "Please say something. . ."
11) "I would hold him in my arms, crying." Once again, arms? I thought she had wings, maybe she has wings and arms, like half a butterfly?
12) "Everyday I told him I loved him, and that things would be okay. Everyday he smiled that same, beautiful smile." Why did he smile if he could no longer hear or see her?
13) "The ironic part was that I had never left." I liked this part and don't really understand why it was critted, it fits well. (But maybe its just me)
14) 'And then, one day he didn’t return.
I knew why. I always knew that this day would come, and that he would leave me for the afterlife, but such a bitter, twisted ending made my heart ache a thousand times over. Although time could not heal the wounds that I felt, I knew in my heart that he was happy now, and that maybe he knew I loved him. Maybe he finally knew that I did not leave him, and that my heart was his.
And maybe, he always knew."
This is BEAUTIFUL! It's a perfect ending and so sad.
I really loved this short story, I just wish it was longer with more detail, it's really beautiful and I would encourage you to write more about this or stories that are more or less the same.
GOLD STAR
Oh and by the way, where did you get your nickname- Dreamwalker? Because I read this series, “The Sword of Truth” and there was a character The Dreamwalker, anyway the point is that the books are amazing!!!!!
No Incog, you do not use enough comma's
Yes I'm allowed to say that cause she's my baby sis XD
Hello Dreamwalker. And here I have come with my promised review that you should adore. I am reading your work! Aren't you proud?
Okay, let's start. I am lazy so it might not be all that thorough.
I. NIT-PICKING
'Moments' just doesn't seem like the right word. Right away I automatically start thinking about how long this love had lasted. Three months? Three weeks? Three days? This only makes me think of a couple days, if that is what you truly want us to believe. A word like 'times' would do much better.
Dreamwalker! I never knew you wrote just erotic stories! Your my sister and meanwhile you are righting these kind of things right under my nose! I am just kidding you.
Were for all those moments he was filled with profound passion? I would think that there would be some humour, or some sadness, or some affection. Not just straight passion. I think you are trying to get here that he had a clear will. But that is not so clearly placed.
And I thought I was weird.
I do not like how you phrased this questions. I understand what you are trying to get at bit it doesn't make as much sense as it should. This way would work better:
I had protected this place for many centuries and now I figured, this place truly was the one I called home.
Or something like that. It puts the thoughts in order for the reader.
You use so many commas! You should try to fix that to make your sentences more fluent for everythime there is a sentence there is a pause and the more pauses their is in a sentence, the more annoying it will get for the reader. the 'maybe' part is un-needed. That would also get rid of two pauses making the writing seems more fluent and easier for the reader to read.
With this, it doesn't make much sense, even with the comma. Try doing something like this:
I had turned back towards him just to notice gentle chuckles peeling from his lightly parted mouth.
You phrased this part oddly. It kind of makes my brain hurt. You had a punctuation error at the end of the dialogue. Instead of a comma it should be a period. I would rather have put it:
"Yes, I am waving at you." Those were the first words he ever spoke to me. Those words in the end, would mean everything.
Remember, my changing of the sentences are not exact. That is just how I would put it. My sentences have never been critiqued so you don't have to follow them exactly.
AHA! I have found an error. At this part you said that she was guarding a lake that no one cared to know of. Well just recently you said that she saw many humans that enjoyed sitting beside her lake. That isn't no one now is it?
Careful, readers can be really literate, even if they aren't searching for errors.
There is a couple of things wrong.
The first part 'As time grew though', that doesn't make much sense. Time cannot grow because time does not take up space. It should be 'As time went by'.
Then after that, I would get rid of the next comma. That is an un-need pause. And after about his visits, I would change 'and everyday'. Regular seems to sum that up. You could also say 'almost everyday'. It would sound better.
Then, I would break off into another sentence and finish with what you have. My overall affect will be:
As time went by his visits became regular, almost everyday. I soon found myself becoming closer and closer to him.
See how that works out?
You simply do not need that third comma.
I love this. Good Job.
I love this even more. But it was much anticipated. it was surely quite obvious. Not much of a surprise to anybody.
I am quite surprised Dreamwalker. You seem to need more commas here. You seemed to have been gushing un-needed commas and now, you need them! Wow. Let me fix this up for you.
It was apparent from the moment he first laid eyes on me, the moment that little smile became visible, that I had fallen for a human, and the human had fallen for me.
I can't believe it was you who needs more commas!
This is an improper sentence! If you just read that, you would not know who it was talking about. You would use that kind of sentence when it was conjoined with a semi-colon or a comma. Not when there is a period. I should be 'We spent days together...' blah blah blah.
It should be 'He' not it, unless he is some hidden he-she that we don't know about.
Okay, with this you should add an and before 'All' and change the upper case to a lower case. It makes it flow better. I would also eliminate the 'though' from the sentence because it just seems like the odd word out.
Otherwise when I read this, my first human thought was, 'Dun Dun Duuunnnn!'
With this, you do not need 'the day'. It just makes it un-neededly melodramtic. But also, this kind fo confuses me because he has to come to the lake before he can see her. He wouldn't come to the lake before hand knowing that he couldn't see her. Unless it was because he couldn't see any other spirits..... All I can think of Natsuma no Youkai or what ever it is called.
Oh sweet punctuation errors! Not many though.
“Lila.” He murmured hopelessly. “Lila... Please, talk to me… say something… anything…”
Heart-breaking in its finest. A masterpiece. Something straight out of a tragic love story... literally.
Oh the irony! Nicely put together. It makes it seem more planned out, which I know because it was you, it wasn't.
You really do not need though in there, right there. You need to rephrase this again. You seem to have an issue with this.
He came everyday after that though; always at the same time.
I know you despise semi-colons, but they are apart of proper literature.
You need until rather than till. I also do not understand this part. You never mentioned any hills anywhere else in the story. And darkness would come in one solid movement. It would rather be 'until darkness once again fell'.
But wouldn't the chill in winter also do that?
With this part, speckled is not the right word. You don't see men with speckled grey hair. The proper term is 'streaked with grey'.
Dreamwalker, this nearly made me call you by your full name. To many commas. You need to stop that habit. I understand why you have been doing that because pauses at drama to the piece and make it seem sadder but you are doing so in bad places!
The proper way to put it is:
His body changed and his once brown locks were now speckled with grey. His bright hazel eyes were now dim and cold.
And also, I usually figured that old people, I find, have the most lively eyes out of every one. But I guess his eyes have have grown dim because of all those years broading over her.
You gave me goosebumps! Good Job.
I love this. This was a well done ending.
II. EVALUATING
Overall, I believe this was a very passionate and emotional piece. It was very melancholy, and that gave it the aspect that I so much love. You did well with this and it was sure unlike anything I have ever read. It kind of reminded me of Natsume, but with the Youkai's point of view. I loved the ending. That was my favourite part. Wow, that sounds like of mean... but I shall keep on going.
You had a problem with adding unecessary commas. That was a frequent problem that bugged me a lot. You should try to work on it. Your writing otherwise was beautiful. It was very poetic and rich. It wasn't too descriptive that I got bored easily.
I believe your writing style is unique and unlike anything I have ever read. It makes me feel elegant and have a calm feel. It is very poetic, shall we say. I think you should try poetry. I think you would be great at it.
Well it was nice reading this piece and you do not have to thank me for reading this. The pleasure surely was mine.
~Incognito
Thank you all so very much for your reviews and I will try and work my hardest to straighten out these kinks in my writing style
Very informative and you're all helping me better myself as a writer!
Ciao
-The.Dreamwalker
Hey there, Dreamwalker! I'm June!
How beautiful this is! Let's see!
With your description here, I can actually feel and relate to the situation. I can somewhat understand how the two of them are feeling. But, what is Lila? At first, I assumed that she was a butterfly, but, somewhere in here, you mentioned that she has hands. I'm not sure if that is just a figurative description or if you meant that literally.
Let's take a look here, dear:
You have a nice, beautiful, simplistic tone throughout the story, dear, but as we come to this part, things become slightly confusing.
• In the first line, I crossed out "though". Honestly, it's not necessary to use it, dear, it's not giving anything extra by it being there, nor is it taking anything away if you remove it. Quite honestly, I think that if you choose to use it in that sentence, it shall be at the end.
• The underlined sentence sounds a little out-of-place from the tone of your story! If you reword it to sound a bit more like the surrounding sentences, dear, then you will have a continuous "voice" flow throughout the story.
• ALSO! Jumbly a bit here-- it kind of sounds like Autumn comes after winter! I think that you should switch the order of your sentences so that Autumn comes first; then Winter.
Overall, I enjoyed it a lot. I could sense the strength of the relationship that Lila and Gen shared, and we can get a feeling of the emotion that plays within this.
Well written, dear! Keep it up!
June
if you don't know me, don't bother. i am a peace-loving person and i do not have any intention of hurting you.(joke!:p) anyway, i am not that detailed in reviews, but anyway..
i liked your story, and how sad it was..
i would have hoped that you would have added more scenes on their love story or something.. their sad fate is really heart wrenching in a lot of ways. i also like the end.. it gives a little hope on the whole sad part.
anyway.. i guess that's it. hope i read more from you. enjoy reading.
peace out.
Hey! I think this is one of the first pieces I've read from you. And I'm first to review it (yay!)
The begining paragraph was good, and it intriqued me a bit. Looking back on this sentence now, though, it doesn't make sense. Not the actually sentence part-that makes sense-but one of the words you used in the sentence. I've barely started to critique this and I'm already being confusing. The word: moments. This struck me as odd, because I know that it wasn't just a little bit of time, and I'm sure it could be a few momments in her life, or it seemed like just a little while when they were having fun and all....but....It doesn't make sense to me. Maybe 'times' in its place. But take your pick as it is your writing. Plus, I only noticed it after re-reading this.
'peeling' seemed like sort of an odd word here, but again, your choice.
I'm not sure what I like so much about this paragraph, but I love it. Love it love it love it.
I found this really sweet, that he would sing her lullabies, even when she couldn't sleep.
Thinking about this, I became a little confused. Why would he come to the lake crying when he hadn't realized that she wasn't there (even though he just couldn't see her). Maybe he started crying as he couldn't find her? Or had someone told him-mabye his parents-that people like Lila didn't exist? I would explain this part here.
Overall
I would have liked it to figure out how old Gen was when they fell in love. There are hints I guess, but a little more would be nice. I really liked this piece a lot. I found it sad, that it couldn't go on, but it was really good. I thought your idea was original, I haven't read anything like it.
*gold star*
MV