Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
“Good morning Folly, I see the assassins have failed again.” Adam greeted as I walked through the door. “Yeah well I think those assassins are having a hard time keeping up with me.” I countered. “Well played grasshopper.” He replied. Suddenly his expression changed. “Oh, captain wants to see you in his office, pronto. He said it was urgent.” I sighed walking swiftly over to my crowded desk. Almost like clockwork I took off my jacket and headed over to the captain’s office.
“You wanted to see me sir?” I asked, knocking lightly on the open door. “Yes. Come in. Shut the door behind you.” I hesitated before shutting it firmly. Cautiously I asked, “May I ask what this is about?” “Your next assignment.” He answered matter-of-fact.
A little while later I sat staring at the captain, stunned. “Okay so let me get this straight. A co-worker of Trevor Johnson reported him missing because he wasn’t at home or work. Even though he took a few days off for a family vacation.” The captain looked at me and nodded along as I spoke. “And this co-worker is even more worried because he called the victim’s children’s school and there was no report of them ever being their today. And there is no record of the wife ever being anywhere today. Is that right?” I asked in disbelief. “Yes Detective that is correct.” The captain answered calmly. “I’m sorry sir, but how in the hell do you expect me to find these people when last everyone knew they were on vacation out of our jurisdiction?” “I chose you for this mission for a reason Jaxon. That reason is simple. You and Detective Corporal are the best team I have in the New Orleans Police Department. And I recommend, that like any other case, you start with the one person that filed the report. Now I suggest you get to work.” I looked at him taken aback. Slowly I lifted myself from my chair, still in awe and headed out the door.
End of chapter
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140,764 Literary Works • 673,687 Reviews
I liked it but confused on a couple things. How much time had past since the last chapter? How do anyone get reported missing in a short period of time, unless someone knew it would happen? And how does it not even get suggested only one person involved is still around? Any detective would consider that suspicious.
Those are my only nitpicks. This chapter was good too.
Thank you I'm glad you liked it
Well that's an understatement.
How is that and understatement???
I love the story.
Well that's good. lol
Reading this with no context...
Seems good. Intriguing plot, subtle characterization, and an instilling of an urge to read more.
The only problem I would have here is formatting. As a general rule, lines of text said by different characters get their own paragraphs. Something like this-
"Good morning Folly,...etc." Adam greeted me.
"Yeah well...etc." I countered.
"Well played grasshopper," He replied... "Oh, and captain wants to..."
If you space it out, the dialogue will flow better. Also, if you're putting the details of who said it into the same sentence as the dialogue (and it's pretty awkward if you just have "I countered" or "He replied" in their own sentences), you need to replace periods with commas. For example:
"Yeah well I think those assassins are having a hard time keeping up with me," I countered.
"Well played, grasshopper," he replied.
Other nitpicks:
"...there was no report of them ever being their today." Replace their with there.
"He answered matter-of-fact." Matter-of-factly or in a matter-of-fact way. You can't just put an adjective there.
There are also a few issues with run-on, but I won't get into that. Commas will help, though.
This is a piece that shows a good deal of promise, and I'll be waiting on the next one. Good luck, and have fun writing.
-Chaser
Thanks for the feedback I will take everything under consideration.