Hook. Chapter 3.

by Dragongirl

Published October 12, 2011

In Hook

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Here is the next chapter, People. Sorry if this chapter is a little short. Hope you guys like it anyway. Any suggestion are always appreciated. :smt003

Chapter 3. Go Fish

The computer beeped. Ares was sure it was the most beautiful sound he had ever heard. That, or possibly the frustrated cussing of the guards as he dove through the gate and swung it shut behind him.

The gate rattled as several guards slammed in to it. He would have loved to stay and gloat, but one of the guards was already scanning his ID, obviously a bit quicker thinking on his feet than the two guards still shaking the fence.

Ares ran.

Daylight was fading, staining the sky a deep red hue. The sidewalk was devoid of people and he was able to make fairly good time. Unfortunately so were the guards behind him. A salty sea breeze whipped at his clothes as though it too were trying to hold him back. He could hear the heavy footsteps as his pursuers gained. He needed to get out of the open.

Turning sharply down an ally, Ares zig zagged between buildings trying, unsuccessfully to lose his followers. Coming to the end of the ally he burst out in to the open.

A wharf. Ares actually stopped, his chest heaving, as a wave of memories washed over him. The shouts of the fishermen to one another inquiring about the day’s catch. The lap of the water against the hull of a ship. The smell of fish and salt water thick in the air. All so familiar.

A cry from behind roused Ares and he took off down the waterfront, pushing away his thoughts. This wasn’t the time for a trip down memory lane.

He could hear the ragged breathing of his pursures as they gained. They were tiring, but so was he. A stitch pulled at his rib as he wove his way between die hard tourists, rough fishermen and bartering customers. At the shouts of the guards, the crowd grew less ready to part, curious of the commotion and he shouldered his way through them.

Spotting a man tying a small speed boat at the end of a dock, Ares sprinted towards him.

...

Unaware of the boy approaching him, the man finished tying the knot and straightened. Head bent, he began to walk back to shore, lightly tossing the keys in his palm. He didn’t even see the boy until the teenager was upon him and he grasped at nothing but empty air as the keys were snatched before they could fall back in to his hand. To surprised to do anything, the man turned and watched dumbly as the boy smoothly untied, started, and began to back the boat out of harbor.

His boat.

At that thought the man broke from his stupor and ran to the end of the dock. It was too late though, the boy was already out of reach. The wind whipped the young man’s ear length black hair away from his face for a moment, and even in the fading light the man could see the teenager’s eyes were bright. The small smile that touched the boy’s lips seemed to carry a dare. However the youth’s gaze was not directed at him and it was only then that the man became conscious of the guard next to him. He watched, wordless, as the guard lifted a gun and took careful aim.

...

Ares threw himself into the boat. Slotting the key in to the ignition, he glanced over his shoulder. He couldn’t help but feel a pang of guilt at the look on the slack jawed owner’s face. He banished that feeling though as he reminded himself he was only borrowing the man’s boat. After he put some distance between himself and the Boys Home, he’d ditch the boat, the police would find it, by then it’s disappearance would have been reported, and it would be returned to it’s rightful owner.

The engine turned over with a purr. Pulling away from the dock, Ares turned the boat’s prow towards the open sea. Hand on the throttle he took one last look back to shore. The guards, huffing and puffing, had finally made it to the end of the dock. One guard shouldered his way out in front of the rest and lifted a gun.

For a long moment Ares held the guard’s gaze and he knew that the guard wasn’t going to pull the trigger. Then Ares made a mistake.

He smiled.

That was all it took. The guard’s face darkened as though a storm cloud had suddenly passed overhead. In agonizing slow motion he watched as the guard pulled the trigger. The gun made a short spatting sound and at first Ares thought the guard had missed.

Feeling a sharp sting on his thigh, he looked down to see a dart in it. Fumbling, he pulled it out as the sensation of pins and needles spread through his leg. Holding the dart close to his face he squinted at it as his vision swarmed and it became impossible to focus.

His strength seemed to drain from his body and using the last bit of his will power, Ares threw open the throttle.

Comments & reviews · 8
User avatar
MissGangamash
Review
MissGangamash wrote a review Review · Jan 25, 2015

Another great chapter! Because it's so short I don't really have much to point out. Someone else has taken care of the mistakes so I won't go through them again.

I feel like your world building is lacking a bit. I know this only the first couple of chapters but I think you need to put a bit more description about the world Ares inhabits. Because I'm up to the third chapter now and I'm still not sure about the time period, is it a dystopian setting or a real world setting? I think if you added a few more little details, it would help the reader out.

I now know that the place he has just escaped from is the Boys Home which I'm guessing is where they take juvenile delinquents, but I know nothing more than that.

Other than that, great work :)

User avatar
Gypsianna
Review
Gypsianna wrote a review Review · Jan 24, 2014

Hey Dragongirl!
First off: I really enjoyed reading this! You should write some more! I love how Ares steals the keys and how he gets caught (or rather doesn't get caught, as he hits the throttle just as he passes out...). It's very dramatic!
I did notice a few spelling errors (not that I'm one to talk, I hate editing stuff!) and I'm not sure 'swarmed' is correctly used here. 'Swirled', 'spun', or 'swam', might work better. But hey, what do I know? It's your story:)

User avatar
Lauren2010
Review
Lauren2010 wrote a review Review · Jan 30, 2012

Hey Dragongirl! Back again!

Let's get to it:

The sidewalk was devoid of people and he was able to make fairly good time.

I'm really starting to wonder about this place. Aside from what I brought up in the last chapter, where in the world is this place? It seems like a prison, but then right in a city or town by the ocean? It would really help to have some more background information about the place in general, and also how Ares got to be there.

That's about all I have to say for this chapter, really! I really liked the pacing of the action you have going on in each of the chapters. It's really well done. In this chapter there's that change in pov again, and I'm sticking with my comment on the pov change in the last chapter. It's jarring for a reader to have to switch back and forth on such small portions of story with other povs. It would be different if these characters were recurring and had significant portions of the story they narrated, but that's not the case here.

Other than that, good job! Let me know when you post another chapter, I'd be glad to review it if you want me to!

Keep writing!

-Lauren-

User avatar
Dragongirl
Comment
Dragongirl commented Comment · Oct 15, 2011

Thanks for the reviews guys! I'll try and get the next chapter done and posted soon. :)

User avatar
paraperson
Review
paraperson wrote a review Review · Oct 13, 2011

This was really good. Definitely short, but amazing. And I'm really, really curious about Ares's past... please bring it up soon! You end your chapters at all the right places, the flow is spot-on, and (my personal favorite) you describe the scene with just the right amount of detail without overloading or providing too little. I love it when stories are like that, giving the reader room to add his/her own imagination everyone's seeing the same thing just slightly different. You do it perfectly. Great job, keep it up! :)

User avatar
Leahweird
Review
Leahweird wrote a review Review · Oct 12, 2011

I found that the action was a lot easier to follow this time around, and it was just as thrilling. I think your work shows you've been listening to past critiques.
I especially loved how you switched perspective to the owner of the boat as Ares steals it. Though i did notive that you used "the youth" quite a bit in that section. I know it's hard when you need to keep referring to someone without a name, but in this particular work I think teenager would fit the mood more if you have to pck a word to repeat. Also this line "A small smile touched the boy’s lips and it seemed to carry a dare" might sound better like this "The small smile that touched the boy's lips seemed to carry a dare," but I don't want to interfere with your writing style, or put words in your mouth, so feel free to ignore me.
Thank you for another great chapter!

User avatar
xDudettex
Review
xDudettex wrote a review Review · Oct 12, 2011

I'm back again!

Nit-piks first.

He could hear the heavy foot steps as his pursuers gained.


'foot steps' is one word.

Turning sharply down an ally Ares zig zagged between buildings trying unsuccessfully to lose his followers


I know I've given you a link to a great artical on commas but I'll help you out with the chapter anyway. You need a comma after 'ally'.

Coming to the end of a ally he burst


'a' should be 'an' but I think it would be better as 'the'

Ares actual stopped


'actual' should be 'actually'

as a wave of memorys washed over


'memories'

comotion


'commotion'

Unaware of the boy approaching him the man finished tying


Comma after 'him'

He was to surprised to do anything, but turn, and look on


'to' should be 'too' and you don't need the commas.

and run to the end of


'ran'

It was to late though


'too'

The wind whiped the boy’s ear


'whipped'

and it seens to carry a dare


I don't understand what's meant here, unless 'seens' is supposed to be 'seemed'

He watched wordless,


Comma after 'watched'

He couldn’t help but feel a ting of guilt


I think 'pang' would be better than 'ting'

The guard’s face darken


'darkened'

Feeling a sharp sting on his thigh he looked down to


Comma after 'thigh'

Holding the dart to his face he swinted at it as his vision swarmed and it became inpossible to focse


Comma after 'face' and 'swinted' should be 'squinted'. Also, 'focse' should be 'focus'.

His strenghth seem to drain from


'strength' and 'seemed'

***

I'm still hooked - see what I did there :P - on this story. I'm loving how every chapter so far has seemed to end with a cliff-hanger. It's a great way to keep the reader interested and the suspense high.

There are still a few instances throughout the chapter where you convert back to present tense, but proof-reading will help you to spot them and the misspelled words. I still think you should take a look at the artical on commas that I linked you to in the review I did of chapter two.

I think the pace was okay with this part as it was short. You may want to add in a few more of Ares' thoughts and feelings when you edit to help expand this part, though. He's the MC, so it's nice when the reader can see inside his mind.

I hope this helps and I can't wait to read more!

xDudettex



Spend your days thinking about things that are good and true and beautiful and noble, and you will become good and true and beautiful and noble.
— Matthew Kelly