This is a story I started last year so some of the writing is a little rougher than I would like it to be, so please, tear this to bits. 
Chapter 1. Don’t Look Up
Ares shifted in his seat, trying to work some circulation into his cramped muscles. His hands clasped in front of him, rested on his knees. The chain between the cuffs on either wrist clinking a soft rhythm in time with the continuous tapping of his leg. Being in custody didn’t have many thrills, but Ares had still managed to come up with a few things to stave off complete boredom.
He continued to loosely bounce the chain. Shooting a quick glance at the clock he was impressed.
Six minutes and the guard hasn’t even shifted in his seat .
At seven minutes the guard turned his wrist ever so slightly to check his watch, and Ares knew he had him. Speeding up the jingling, he began to hum tunelessly as well.
Thirty four seconds later.
“Stop that.”
“Stop what? ” Ares’s face was a picture of innocence.
“The humming and the rattling you’re doing with those…” the guard trailed off at the blank look on the boy’s face. “Never mind”
Ares turned his head to hide his smirk. Sometimes it was just too easy. Slowly however, the smile faded from his lips and he slumped in his chair. Drumming his fingers, he glanced around the room.
There wasn’t much to see. A desk sat directly in front of him. It’s surface covered in rubbish. A wasted basket in the corner. A calendar trying to peel it’s self from the all but bare walls. The floor was concrete. Noting the the ceiling, of cheap sagging panels, the one door and lack of windows, Ares slumped back in his chair. It was a bland room. A very boring room.
Ares was debating whether or not to try and make small talk with the guard when a nasal voice broke his train of thoughts.
“So, they sent us another one of you thievin’ brats.” A man shuffled into the room and over to the desk. With a groan, he settled his ample body into the chair behind it. The man waved a thick hand at the guard dismissing him. Dropping the hand to his chest he brushed at the front of his shirt as though trying to rid it of some of the crumbs clinging to it. Ares couldn’t help but wonder if the shirt had always been the grayish color it was now or if it had originally been white. He suspected the later.
“Mr James Ares Tide, is it?” the man asked, thumbing through a file. He paused as though waiting for a answer. Receiving none, he frowned and continued to scan the file. “Apparently you're here because the judge believes that in the 'correct environment' you have the potential to make a change for the better” The man closed the folder and flipped it on to the desk. “Well I don't buy it.” He plucked a toothpick for the top pocket of his shirt and began to clean his teeth. "Frankly, I think it's a waste of time. Your kind always ends up behind bars sooner or later. Once a theif, always a theif. That's what I say.”
“Then why are you working here?” Ares's eyes flicked briefly over the man, taking in his porous complexion and the bit of egg yoke dribbled on his unshaven chin. A name tag half hidden beneath the many wrinkles in the man’s shirt read; HORACE
Horace laughed.
“ You know that’s a good soul search’in question and I’d be cut…. If the preacher wasn’t a thief !” Horace chortled wheezely for a few minutes. Wiping his eyes, he got up. “ Alright Father, time to get you ready to meet your congregation.”
Ares stood and started toward the door. Tripping on the leg of his chair, he threw out a hand, steadying himself on the corner of the desk. Straightening, he nodded to Horace.
"Lead the way."
A few moments later Ares’s sneakers squeaked as he walked down a hall. The florescent lights pulsed. Horace walked a few steps behind him, still chuckling and making comments about preachers.
As they neared a turn in the passage way Ares suddenly stopped. Horace took another step and then pulled up as well.
“ Why’d you stop? ” Horace was aggravated.
Ares pointed. “Your shoe’s untied.”
Falling for the oldest trick in the book, Horace looked down at his cowboy boots.
Ares was on him in a second. In one smooth motion, he slipped the chain of his handcuffs over Horace’s head and behind his neck. Jerking the man’s face down into his upcoming knee. Ares felt, rather than heard the nose crunch as it broke. He released the man but only for a moment. Lashing out again, Ares planted a sharp firm kick upwards between the man’s legs.
Horace doubled over in pain, clutching himself and swearing, but Ares didn’t hear. He was already long gone.
Ares turned the corner in the hall. The soles of his sneakers gripping the floor as he ran. Several doors lined the corridor. He opened the first door, but didn’t go inside. All he did was quickly turn the lock and shut it again. Moving on to the next door he twisted the knob and stepped in, locking the door behind him.
If he was lucky, Ares thought, they would think he was in the first room when they tried the door and found it locked. If he was very lucky.
Ares began to straighten the paperclip he’d swiped from Horace desk when he'd tripped. As he picked the lock on his cuffs, he glanced around the room. It was another office, but this one looked as though it had not been used in sometime. A desk and chair were the only things in the room. There was a click of the lock catching and the handcuffs sprang open. Slipping them in to his pocket along with the wire, he paused to listen. Horace’s wails had quieted to groans, but Ares knew it wouldn’t be long until help arrived, and not all of them would be as stupid as Horace.
Ares walked over to the desk. The ceiling in this office was the same as in the other, as he had counted on it being, three by two feet panels of dry wall held up by thin strips of metal.
Picking up the chair, he set it on top of the desk and scrambled up on it. Balancing, Ares pushed up on the panel above him with the tips of his fingers. The panel lifted and he slid it to the side. Sticking his hand into the now open space, he grabbed a support beam. Hanging his weight on it, he hooked the back of the chair with his toe and swung it off the desk. It hit the floor with a thud. Ares quickly lifted himself up through the hole the rest of the way and slid the panel back in place. They would have heard that noise, but hopefully they wouldn’t figure out where he had gone right away.
Feeling his way along, he crawled towards the shouting. In a few moments he was right above it. Light sneaked though where the panels joined, marking where the hall was and lighting his way. Ares was able to move fairly quickly, at least as quickly as one can when crawling around in a ceiling. As he crawled, placing his hands and feet on the support beams, Ares reasoned.
If they hadn’t discovered he was in the ceiling they’d think he was still heading in the same direction he had been before, inward, not the opposite. He stopped briefly to listen and wipe the sweat from his face. Man, it was hot! Even so, they would still be watching the exits. He need a plan. The cracks of light turned sharply and he stopped again.
Ares lifted the panel in front of him an inch. It was possible that someone might see him, but only if they were looking up, something he doubted anyone would be doing. Peering through the slit, Ares spotted the entrance where he had come in. He grinned. Bingo.
Only one guard watched the entrance. Ares wiped his face on the shoulder of his jacket, frowning now. One guard was still one guard to many. Even if he could get past the guard, there was still the fence. He blinked the sweat from his eyes . He couldn’t think in this blasted heat. Taking another look through the crack, he caught sight of a supplies closet. Maybe there was something in there he could use. After judging the distance from where he was to the closet, Ares gently lowered the panel back into place. By the time he reached the area where he hoped the closet was, Ares wanted nothing more than to tear a panel away and get a breath of fresh air, but he controlled himself. Dolefully, he lifted a panel slightly to make sure he was above the closet. Convinced he was, Ares picked the panel up the rest of the way and tossed it to the side. Sticking his head through the opening, he let the cool air wash over his face.
A thin strip of light shone out from beneath the closet door. With his eyes already adjusted to the dark, Ares was able to see fairly easily. The normal clutter of brooms, mops, and cleaning supplies stood in a corner. A fire extinguisher hung immediately to one side of the door. Shelves on the wall made a nice ladder as Ares climbed out of the attic. Back on the ground he checked the small room for any thing he could use. A bucket, sponges, an old soda can. Ares was sure if MacGyver was in his shoes the bottles of cleaner would already be mixed together in some explosive solution. However he wasn’t MacGyver and the only thing Ares could think to do with cleaning supplies was mop a floor. Not real helpful.
Letting his eyes roam over the tiny space, Ares could feel himself start to sweat again and this time it had nothing to do with the heat. He needed to get out of here fast, it would only be so long before they found him. Looking about him desperately Ares catch sight of a breaker box, and a sudden idea formed. Taking the one step it took to reach the box, he fingered the lock holding it shut. Simple enough. Fishing the straightened paper clip from his pocket, Ares went to work.
Thanks for reading. ~ DG
Here is a link to the next chapter. {C}viewtopic.php?f=359&t=88553
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140,571 Literary Works • 673,516 Reviews
I dunno if anyone else has picked up on the mistakes that I have but I'll just point them out anyway as I read and give you my thoughts at the end
"Six minutes and the guard hasn’t even shifted in his seat" - you switched tenses, 'hasn't' should be 'hadn't'.
'A calendar trying to peel it’s self from the all but bare walls' - 'itself' is one word.
'Noting the the ceiling, of cheap sagging panels, the one door and lack of windows, Ares slumped back in his chair' - this sentence doesn't really make sense, there must be a typo in there somewhere but I dunno where because I can't figure out what the line is supposed to look like.
'One guard was still one guard to many' - 'to' should be 'too'
'Looking about him desperately Ares catch sight of a breaker box' - 'catch' should be 'caught'
This is a very good first chapter and it makes me want to know more about the main character. Who is he? What's his backstory? Why is he a thief?
He seems very calm in a setting that would make most people nervous so obviously he's been in trouble a lot before this scene. He clearly knows how to handle himself which has me more intrigued.
You have began to develop a very interesting character that I'm hoping will have an equally interesting story to tell.
I'll be back to read more
Well done!
Hey Dragongirl! Here as requested! Sorry I took so long to get around to it!
Let's get to it, then:
I like this image for a beginning, but it's a little bit grammatically frightening!
1. circulating should be circulation
2. The rest of the paragraph is all weird tense-wise:
His hands were clasped in front of him, resting on his knees. The chain between the cuffs on either wrist clanked a soft rhythm in time with the continuous tapping of his leg. Being in custody didn't have many thrills, but Ares still managed to come up with a few things to stave off complete boredom.
The bold parts are things I added/adjusted to make everything flow in the same tense.
3. What does he do to stave of boredom? Just bounce his knees and cuffs around? That doesn't sound very entertaining.
I don't understand this. All the preacher stuff, that is. Is Ares a preacher?
I just had to say, I loved this line. It made me laugh.
I... don't understand this line. The first 3/4 is having the same tense problems I talked about earlier, but then the "Ares reasoned" just throws me off. What is he reasoning?
Wait, how did he get the handcuffs off? Is he crawling and climbing and such with the cuffs still on? Or did he get them off somehow?
Who is MacGyver?
For a first chapter, this is quite good! I love how close to the action we start, and how entertaining and interesting it is to read. That's exactly what you want for a first chapter.
However, it feels a bit slim still. I wish there was more information about Ares, like what he did to get in this situation and what they're going to do with him (before he escapes). What this chapter is missing is context. Readers need some sort of context to base themselves and the story in when they start reading. It makes it easier to dive right into that story world from the beginning. Here, we don't have much of that. We're stumbling around trying to pick up the story, when we really should just be reading and enjoying.
Other than that, good job! I'll be on the next chapters as soon as I can!
Keep writing!
-Lauren-
Hey Lauren, thanks so much for the review. Now to answer your questions.
1. How is he shaving off boredom by tapping his foot and playing with his cuffs?
Ares is supposed to be messing with the guard, amusing himself, if you will, at the guard's expence.
2. Is Ares a preacher?
No way! You know how if someone trys to question your motives and confronts you on them you might say to them 'Don't preach to me' Well that is were all the 'preacher stuff' came from.
3. How did he get off the cuffs?
I think that this bit explains it pretty well.
4. Who is MacGyver?
I am almost ashamed to admit that MacGyver is a character from an old tv show and he was famous for being able to biuld something useful out of nothing. Ares is suppose to be refering to that tv show
Anyway thanks again for the review, it was very helpful and I will be doing some editing as soon as the editing button is working again.
Hey,
You've reviewed some of my work and I thought I'd return the favor. :] You said to tear it to bits so I'm going to be pretty harsh, just letting you know.
*
As a first sentence, this isn't nearly as strong as it should be. It's ironic that your novel title is hook because that's exactly what this line didn't do. It doesn't make me think, doesn't make me want to read further and that's a problem. The name Ares was an interesting choice, as he's god of war in Greek mythology, but I'll get on that later. I've read other reviews and saw your first attempt at a first sentence, but that one wasn't any better than this. It has to be shocking, captivating, thrilling - or at least, mildly interesting.
All of what comes next is good. Your writing is easily paced and this scene is pretty funny. This sets Ares up to be a likable character which can work to either your advantage or disadvantage, depending on how you want him portrayed throughout the novel.
This line is extraordinarily important because it describes Ares as a boy, rather than a man. The word boy makes me think of children ages 6-12, but I doubt a 10 year old would be locked up in jail without sobbing for his mother, so now I see Ares as a teenager. Hopefully, he is one.
I don't like this. I think you can describe Ares' boredom in a more efficient way than by describing the room he's in, especially since the room doesn't even become important later on in the chapter.
So his name is James, but he goes by Ares, or at least the narrator knows him as Ares? Interesting. Don't like the last name much though. If you wanted specifically something to do with the tide or waves or whatever, try translating it to a different language till you find something cool. Tide just sounds...weird. Not last name ish.
The next parts are very good, they read well and I'm liking the story so far.
Good introduction of a new character. This makes me think Ares is in a sort of gang or something, maybe a band of orphaned misfits that live on the land and steal wherever they go. I sure hope not though. That's rather cliche, no?
The ending was pretty good, made me interested in the next chapter.
*
Overall, this was very well done. The story was light and the pace was fast so it made for a quick read. There are spelling and grammar mistakes sprinkled out through the story. I won't waste time going through them though, one good proof-read should get them. One big problem in a lot of first chapters is that nothing happens. However, you have a jailbreak, a (one-sided) fight scene and the introduction in what seems to be a very exciting story. Good work. :]
On Ares, I wonder if his name will end up reflecting part of who he is. Already, we see him fighting and breaking free, very active events that show Ares as impulsive, smart, strong and brave (maybe slightly arrogant) which resounds strongly with the god Ares. I'm excited to see what comes next.
Grade: A-
PM me if you have any questions or comments.
~Jas
wow. I see I'm quite late to this one so there's not much I can say in the way of helpful advice...so I'll just say WOW.
I don't know why exactly, but I just love this paragraph. You're obviously a very talented writer, the action and description in this is superb. I'm hooked!
...no pun intended. honestly.
I think everyone else covered the editing so i'll just say really good
I will be careful with this. I am eager to critique it, but the stock templates (regarding show don't tell, cliches, extraneous observations) won't do. This is damn good. So I will be careful to point out the macros, without stifling your natural flow.
I will just place my thoughts in, and like you said, I will be brutal
ugh. This is a fine line, rather cliche corner of his eye thrown in there though. But it's no opener. The moment you think of a better opening line throw it in first. This line is middle paragraph, not opening line. The opening line has to be undeniable. I mean come on, please.
Okay I'm bored of editing. Now for the macros.
This is good, great infact. You have a compelling character and promise of forthcoming conflict. You tie the chapter up neatly, leaving the reader hanging for the next chapter. It closes at the perfect moment. I think a big issue will come about if you try to keep this pace up. It's a great start but you are charging at it, you need to slow it down a little, a novel is a marathon, pace your reader.
Your writing is strong but too often little annoying errors slip. And god knows they lose readers, so do yourself a favour and get your work the best you can get it before you post, you will learn a lot more because reviewers and readers won't be distracted, wasting energy nitpicking and we can get down to the nitty gritty. The heavy stuff that really matters.
JP
Hey there Dragongirl!
Seeing as you were nice enough to read my novel, I thought I'd drop by here and see what I could do to help.
First off, I really liked this. I think the pace was nice, and the beginning was great. I loved the humour you had, with Ares annoying the guard. It said something about his character that he could amuse himself even when he knew he was in a bad situation.
I did find quite a few spelling mistakes, but I won't patronise you by pointing them all out. Spell checker should help, along with proof-reading when you next edit. It won't take a lot to fix up.
I noticed that you did sometimes switch from past tense to present tense. E.g -
'pick' should be 'picked'
Again, you should be able to spot all of these little mistakes by re-reading the chapter.
For a first chapter, I thought this was okay. You introduced us to a likeable enough character and a situation that had us wondering how Ares had got himself there in the first place. That's good as it means you've more than likely got the reader wanting to read on to find out for themselves.
I hope this helps, and thanks for the read!
xDudettex
I really hate to cause dissent, but I was going to say I love the beggining. It sets the mood, and doubles as a twist when it turs out that Ares has been doing things like glancing at the ceiling tiles not entirly out of boredom. Forgive be if I'm worng, but the character seems to fit with the archetype of "Trickster thief", which I really, really like. It made sense to me that he would be cocky.
I would suggest that you watch your dialogue. When your characters have unique speech patterns (which they should) you need to make extra-sure that you can always understand them. It's clear what they are saying now, but I had to concentrate harder on what they were saying and it broke the flow slightly. This is a non-issue, though. It might be just me.
Thank you for the good read. I hope ther's more to come. I'm going to go creed your work now!
Hello, DragonGirl.
I liked the idea behind this piece.
I think though, the opening was a bit of an unnecessary build up. You could lessen it so much and it'd be more powerful.
Also, this bit,
“Do you know why you’re here?” the man asked, rubbing the stubble on his jaw. He paused as though waiting for a answer. Receiving none he continued. “You’re here Mr.….Mr.…..” He stopped and frowned. Picking up a file on the desk he squinted at it. “Mr.… James Ares Tide, you’re here ‘cause you been a bad boy and ’cause St. John’s Home for Lost Boys …” the man swept his arm motioning to the office and all that lay beyond it. “is just one step from juvie hall. This is where the judge sends kids so they can straighten out, get their act together, so to speak. Frankly I think is a wasted of time. Ya’ll will end up in jail sooner or later”
I feel is an info-dump and obviously so.
This ending hook, I think is there, but you've made it seem like not such a big deal.
Simple enough. Fishing the straightened paper clip from his pocket, Ares went to work. It would only take a minute.
Don't make it seem simple, if it's simple, we're not going to be on the edge of our seats and Ares shouldn't be sweating so much. To make it stronger I reckon,
Fishing the straightened paper clip from his pocket, Ares went to work.
Anyway, other than the things I mentioned, it was written well and I liked it.
Hope this helps.