Okay folks, heres the second chapter to Hook. I know it is rough. I would love tips and feed back. Thanks.
Chapter 2. What's Your Lucky Number?
The guard by the door yawned and scratched his balding head. His shift was a half hour from being over. Visions of a beer, his overstuffed reclining chair, and the TV remote played though his mind. Now however, it looked as though those things might have to wait. He frowned and scratched his scalp harder, flakes of dandruff settling like snow on his shoulders. He studied the message on his communicator, it read: Escape attempted made by new arrival. Position unknown. No one leaves area unless given clearance. Convict’s description: height: 5’7. Hair color: Black. Eye color: Blue. Age: 14.
No one leaves unless given clearance! The guard grunted. He noticed there wasn’t one word about overtime pay mentioned after the ‘no one leaves’ part. It was probably just a scam to get fellas’ like him to stay longer without having to pay them. Never the less the guard was more alert now, and he scanned the hall. Satisfied, he relaxed and began to gnaw on a hangnail.
The lights went out.
The guard fumbled in the darkness for his flashlight. Clicking it on, the guard checked the corridor. Seeing it empty, he let out a breath of relief. It was probably a blown breaker, he thought, heading to the closet to check.
“ I don’t have time for this,” he grumbled. If people would listen to him and turn off the lights when they left a room, this sort of thing wouldn’t happen.
Opening the closet door, the guard stepped inside and shone his light around the small room.
That’s odd. The guard frowned, seeing the breaker box open. He took a step towards it and flicked the blown breaker back into place. Wasn’t that supposed to be- The guard’s thought was cut short by something slamming into the back of his head, knocking him into black unconsciousness.
....
Ares lowered the fire extinguisher once the guard slumped to the floor. Crouching next to the man, he briefly checked the guard’s pulse. It beat strongly and the man would wake up with no worse than a headache. Rifling through the guard’s pockets with practiced skill, Ares paused for a moment. Communicater in hand, he skimmed quickly over the message on the screen. Finishing it, he chuckled.
“No one leaves unless given clearence, ey?” Ares directed the question to the unconscious guard, as he continued to search him. “You know I hate to buck the system,” he went on “but somehow.” He grunted as he rolled the man over. “I don’t think going back to ask Horace if I can leave, is such a great idea.”
Tugging a wallet from the guard’s backpocket Ares flipped it open and found what he was looking for. The guard’s ID card. Slipping it from the wallet, he stood and picked up the fire extinguisher again.
“Sorry to have to leave so soon,” he said, bending over to tuck the wallet back where it belonged, and pat the man on the shoulder. “ but you know how it goes.”
Sticking his head out of the closet, he looked both ways. The hall was clear. He stepped into the corridor, and softly shut the closet door behind him. No one needed to find the guard any sooner than they had too. Ares moved swiftly towards the entrance, walking close to the wall, simply because the middle of the hall felt too exposed.
Ares reached the entrance. It had only taken him a few seconds to get there, but it felt like longer. Glancing tensely over his shoulder, he took the ID card and swipped it through the scanner. A small red light flicked as the scanner processed the information. Come on. Ares silently willed it to hurry up, growing more jumpy by the moment. Were those footsteps? He wiped his moist palms on his jeans. Waiting for what seemed like a eternity for the light to turn from red, he panicked. Some one was coming! Ripping the pin from the extinguisher, he prepared to-.The light turned green.
Yanking the doors open, Ares stumbled outside. Clutching the fire extinguisher, he leaned against the doors, eyes closed and breathing deeply.
Something tapped him. Ares opened his eyes and looked down at the billy club resting on his chest. A hand with long pale fingers wrapped round the base of the club, connected to an even longer skinny arm that lend to a pair of thin shoulders supporting the homelist head he had ever seen. He froze. A guard stood over him. The guard’s nose looked as though it had been broken, several times and his beady eyes glittered brightly. Tilting his head, he smiled sharkily. His lips pulling back, to reveal brown gums and broken, rotten teeth.
Instinct took over.
Ares let loose with the fire extinguisher, a jet of foam smacking the guard straight in the eyes. The billy club was dropped as the guard swiped madly at his eyes, yowling loudly in pain. Ares glanced, worried, from side to side. The guard wasn’t a threat now, but he was making too much noise. He had to be shut up. Feeling a twinge of regret, Ares tightened his grip on the extinguisher and swung it like a baseball bat into the side of the man’s head.
The howling stopped.
The guard lay still, and for a horrible moment Ares thought he was dead. The man’s chest rose and fell. Ares felt a surge of relief that quickly disappeared at the sound of footsteps and shouts from the other side of the doors.
He swore. He had to slow them down. Dropping the fire extinguisher, he spun back to the doors. Jerking the hand cuffs from his pocket, he clipped a cuff on either door handle. It wouldn’t hold long, but it was all he had time for.
Now all he had to do was get past the fence. He was next to it in a flash. The chain link barrier loomed menacingly over him. Corkscrewed barb wire lining the top. Ares considered the fence. He knew he could climb it, but climbing always took time, one thing that was in short supply at the moment.
He moved in to the gate. Scanning the guard’s ID like before, Ares waited for the light to blink green. Instead a small sreen directly above the scanner lit up. 'Code please' flashed across it before being replaced by four blank spots and a touch screen number pad. Ares banged his fist against the chain link fence causing it to shiver noisily. A code. He’d made it this far only to have his way barred by four digits. Well, he’d be hanged if he let that stop him now. Freedom was too close.
Ares turned back to the screen with fresh eyes. Maybe he could hack it…No that wouldn’t work. Ares stared at the small screen as if somehow he could will the right numbers to appear. It’s surface was smudged with fingerprints. He was about to wipe them off with the cuff of his sleeve when it dawned on him. The fingerprints. While they covered the whole surface in four spots they were the heaviest. Smudges over the 9,7,3, and 1 told him which were the right digits, but in what order?
The handcuffs rattled as some one tried to open the doors. He darted a quick look towards the noise, and then paused, the sign over the doors catching his attention. ‘St. John’s Home for Lost Boys’ then below it, ‘Since 1937’. Ares studied it, puzzled and unable to look away, even as the moments ticked by. ‘Since 1937’, why did that ring such a- Ares bawked and then laughed out loud as it hit him. Spinning back to the screen, he rapidly typed in the four numbers. The computer hummed, checking his answer. Ares bit his lip. Please be right, please be right.
Thuds came from the other side of the doors.
The small screen whirled.
Then he heard the horrible sound of the chains between cuffs breaking.
Hey, hope you liked this chapter.
Here is a link to chapter 3. viewtopic.php?f=359&t=88796
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter Hook. Chapter 3.Points:
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140,571 Literary Works • 673,516 Reviews
'flakes of dandruff settling like snow on his shoulders.' - 'settling' should be 'settled.'
'he took the ID card and swipped it through the scanner' - 'swipped' should be 'swiped'
'The handcuffs rattled as some one tried to open the doors.' - 'someone' is one word.
In my head, I didn't expect Ares to be so young. I thought he'd at least be over sixteen. Now I'm even more interested to know how a boy at such a young age knows how to defend himself so well. I'm thinking maybe he's had a bad upbringing that has made self-defence necessary.
Another great, fast-paced chapter. Very intrigued as to what's going to happen next. Will be get out or not?
Hi Dragongirl! Here again!
Let's get to it!
I didn't expect that Ares was only fourteen. He seemed so much... older in the previous chapter. Even just the situation made him seem older. Not a lot of fourteen year olds are imprisoned, especially for petty thievery.
This is.. weird. I know what you're going for, but it doesn't work exactly how it's supposed to. You can still maintain that suddenness without the quick end of that sentence. Something like:
Ripping the pin from the extinguisher, he prepared to defend himself against whoever was with the footsteps. Luckily, the light turned green just in time.
Would work just fine. It feels sudden, and every sentence is finished.
I just want to talk about sentence variation for a minute. You tend to use a lot of this sentence structure: Verb[ing], Something Happens (aka both sentences above). This is a perfectly effective sentence structure, but when it's the only sentence structure it's noticeable and awkward. Just try mixing things up a bit and you'll be golden!
This is a school? I thought it was some sort of jail or juvenile detention center. It doesn't sound like any school I've ever heard of. Especially with all the guards and gates and stuff. Some more description about the setting at the beginning of the first chapter would help fix that.
I don't understand this. I assumed it was the sound of the gate opening, but then why would it be horrible? I don't know where else the sound of cuffs breaking would come from.
Another nice chapter! I'm still loving the action. I feel, though, that this chapter and the first could probably be combined into one full chapter. Personally, I tend to write longer chapters, so it's definitely your choice. But since the action is all so in the same line, it might make sense to combine them.
Also, the part that's from the guard's pov is odd. It's so short, and we're obviously not going to be reading from his pov again, so it feels out of place. As good as it is, I think it ought to be cut in favor of keeping the pov consistent. It stinks, but sometimes we have to kill parts of our stories that are good in favor of something that works better for a reader. And oftentimes you end up with something even better in the end!
Keep writing!
-Lauren-
PS I'll get on to the next chapter as soon as I can!
Hey again Dragongirl! I'm back for more.
So I'm still enjoying this story. Ares is a great character and I loved how you gave us a brief description of him when the guard checked his communicator. It was a nice way of letting the reader get an image in their head without having to write an info-dump paragraph. Ares' humour is great too. It's fun to read and it gives his character more depth. So does the fact that both times, you had him check on the guard. It shows that he has a sensitive side too, which is nice to see for a character of 14 years old.
I still noticed that you're having trouble with commas. I can't remember if I gave you this link before, but I definitely think you should check it out - topic19162.html
The full stop should be a comma.
To make it clearer to the reader that this is the guard's thought, I think you should add it in. E.g -
'That's odd, he thought.'
I know this is a continued run of speech, but as you have an action, 'he grunted', I think you should add in a full stop after 'somehow"'
'need' should be 'needed' and 'too' should be 'to'
I liked this as it showed that Ares thinks about his actions. He's not totally hot-headed and reckless. He's a little cautious.
'flickered' ?
I think his thoughts should be in italics.
'will' should be 'willed'
I think changing 'breathed' to 'breathing' will help the sentence to flow better.
I'm not quite sure what you mean by 'homelist'
'looked'
You need to either change 'revealing' to 'reveal' or take out 'to'. You're also missing a full stop at the end of the sentence.
'smacked' should be 'smacking'
'tingling' ?
I think it would sound better as -
'The chain link barrier loomed over him menacingly.'
'lit'
Maybe have this in quotes so that the reader knows this is what's being seen, and so it becomes seperate from the sentence. 'Code please'
'puzzled and unable to look away'
Thoughts in italics.
'whirled'
***
The mistakes that I've pointed out can probably be solved by proof-reading before posting and the suggestions I've added are just things that I think will help move the piece along.
I do think one of the other reviewers had a point when they mentioned the pace. I don't think it's that bad, but I think you could stand to add things in which will help to slow things down a bit.
These two sentences for example, could be split up by a paragraph dedicated to describing how he's feeling. You don't have to write loads. Maybe just a small sentence on how he's feeling nervous or excited. Is he thinking of freedom or is he too focused on the guards behind him?
Also, here -
I didn't realise that he was outdoors until you mentioned the fence. Describe what it feels like for him to be outside. Is the sun bright on his eyes? Warm on his skin? Is it raining or cold? Again, you don't have to describe loads, but I think a little description will help the reader notice that he's outside.
Great job on the plot. I'm excited to read on and find out if he escapes!
I hope this helps!
xDudettex
I love Ares! He's a great character and a very real character, which, of course, is always important. One thing I'd suggest (now I might sound a little hypocritical here, because I have lots of trouble with it too) is slow down the pace just a tad. Fast moving stories are always great, but I think you could slow down just a bit. Maybe that's just my personal preference, but other than that I haven't got any issues with this and I am craving the next chapter! Keep it up!
I can't wait for the next chapter, you definitely know how to keep someone interested. My only critique is that it might be a tad bit repetitive, with him knocking the one guard out with the fire extinguisher, checking to make sure he was alive, knocking the other guard out with the fire extinguisher, and then checking to make sure he was alive. But only slightly repetitive.
And thanks again for your review.
But, I do like that he checks to make sure the guard is still alive, and I also like how the message that the guard recieves describes him, you did a really good job of showing instead of telling.
Can't wait to read the next chapter, hope my review helped!
-tgirly
I am really enjoting the story so far. I really love how cocky Ares is. But then he also has those periodic moments of doubt, like when he thought he might have actually killed some one. The contrast is really dramatic. Love it!