Uther, the king of Camelot, was sitting down at a granddining table eating his dinner. He was very content with devouring his mashedpotato and bread, so was extremely disheartened when Sir Leon appeared beforehim. “Can I not eat without being interrupted every minute?” He growled,throwing down his spoon.
Sir Leon ignored Uther’s outburst and bowed. “You arerequired in the throne room for a matter of great urgency.” He waved his armtowards the door and allowed the frustrated king to pass him.
In the throne room, five mysterious men were sitting on theground in a circle. They were surrounded by three noblemen, Prince Arthur andMerlin. The men on the ground looked especially worried about their situation,but not as worried as the king was when he saw them.
“Arthur, what is the meaning of this?” Uther demanded as hemarched, his face stricken with shock as his eyes fell upon the five captives. Theywere dressed in foreign, immodest attire; brightly coloured shirts withoutsleeves, pants cut above the knees, dresses with double the amount of materialthan usual.
“They just appeared.” Arthur waved his hands about inconfusion. “I was dining and this man just appeared before me.” He nodded atone of the men on the ground, who shook with fear. The prince’s explanationonly shocked Uther further.
“My lord, if you will listen.” A nobleman began, “We wereconversing among records and three of these foreigners walked straight up tous, demanding to know which ‘game show’ they were on.”
This interested Uther and he paced back and forth beside thecircle. “And the last one?”
Leon stepped forward. “He was already in the throne roomwhen we arrived.”
At those words, the fifth man stood up and started franticallypinching himself. “I’m dreaming! I’m dreaming!” The crowd around him watched onin bewilderment. “It’s just a dream!” Discovering that the pinching did notwork, the man put his hand in his pocket and pulled out a small rectangularobject. He tapped it a few times and suddenly sparks shot out of the device. Hedropped it to the floor.
Uther’s face turned red with anger. “Sorcery! Arthur, throwthis sorcerer in the dungeon!”
“Yes father.” Arthur walked up to the man, the other fourstrangers shuffling out the way, and raised him up by the shoulders. As he ledthe man to the door he said, “Merlin, come with me.”
Uther held up a hand. “No! I want your servant to go fetchGaius right this minute!” Merlin nodded and waited for Arthur to leave, then hefollowed suit.
When they were far enough from the throne room to not beheard, Arthur turned to Merlin. “What do you think this is?” Merlin shrugged. “Ohcome on, you’ve always got something smart to say.”
“I don’t know.” The young warlock looked at the strange mansuspiciously. “I’ve never seen anything like this before.” And that was true;Merlin had never seen anything like this. He did have a theory, though not onethat he wanted to share with Arthur just yet.
“Neither have I.” The prince continued walking in silenceafter that.
Merlin parted ways with the two when he arrived at thecorridor which would take him to Gaius. He walked for a minute or two and thenstopped beside a window to catch his breath. What Merlin saw through the glasspane changed everything. The courtyard below was much busier than usual. Therewere at least two hundred people walking slowly around the yard, as if theywere lost. Their clothing was like nothing from this time.
Merlin knew that this wasn’t just a case of rogue sorcery.This was something much, much bigger. There weren’t just five foreign strangersin Camelot; there were thousands.
End of chapter
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139,347 Literary Works • 672,540 Reviews
Uther, the king of Camelot, was sitting down at a granddining table eating his dinner. He was very content with devouring his mashedpotato and bread, so was extremely disheartened when Sir Leon appeared beforehim. “Can I not eat without being interrupted every minute?” He growled,throwing down his spoon.
Sir Leon ignored Uther’s outburst and bowed. “You arerequired in the throne room for a matter of great urgency.” He waved his armtowards the door and allowed the frustrated king to pass him.
In the throne room, five mysterious men were sitting on theground in a circle. They were surrounded by three noblemen, Prince Arthur andMerlin. The men on the ground looked especially worried about their situation,but not as worried as the king was when he saw them.
“Arthur, what is the meaning of this?” Uther demanded as hemarched, his face stricken with shock as his eyes fell upon the five captives. Theywere dressed in foreign, immodest attire; brightly coloured shirts withoutsleeves, pants cut above the knees, dresses with double the amount of materialthan usual.
" Now I have a lot of questions and concerns about that part...."
1. my questions... was this supposed to be like a kind of foreign country or world talk... and what exactly did you mean to accomplish to writing these part because to be completely honest i don't really or can't understand most of this stuff because I'm not that older to read this work but i like writing and reading so..
2.My concerns on the part where it said the second part of your book or story you completed or put together two words by mistake which I think you made a mistake and did it... but other than that everything is great and I love this
~CHANTA~
Hey,
Ok just to start off, I was so excited to read this story! I love cross over fanfic especailly when it involves any of my many OTPs! I enjoyed reading about Uther throwing people in the dungeon for sorcery, it made my day no merlin anything would be complete without it. Ok, calming down now becoming composed again. I am here to review not fangirl.... for now. Now onto the reviewing part of our story!
was sitting down at a granddining
Grand and dining should be separate.
mashedpotato and bread
Same thing here separate mashed and potato.
beforehim.
Do I even need to say it at this point?
He growled,throwing down
There should be a space after the comma.
You arerequired in
Again space between are and required.
armtowards the
Same thing here.
theground in a circle.
Im beginning to think you have something against words being separate.
So yeah, most of my nitpicks here are words that should be separated so Im done for now. I think you displayed a beautiful use of vocabulary here however and did a amazing job with this part I look forward to reading more.
Sincerely,
Collideascope.
Thanks for reviewing and I'm glad you liked it. The words are all separated on the original document, it goes like that when I upload to YWS.
Hi! Cricket here for a review!
Saw this and remembered that I hadn't reviewed for you in a while. So here I am. I'm sorry to say that I haven't read the previous chapter but I will be sure to whenever I get the chance. So I won't be able to comment on storyline, but grammar and style mainly.
Anyways, the first thing I would suggest you do is to make sure that you don't have any words connected to each other that shouldn't be. I caught at least ten cases (at least) where words were connected to each other, and they shouldn't have been. Just a quick reminder about reading through and editing any mistakes that reviewers will be too quick to catch on.
I would have to say that the first thing that caught my eye was the over excessive use of telling. Everybody has heard of show, don't tell, and how it's like one of the most important aspect to conquer in writing. Most will tell you to just show, and to not tell. Well, you need to do a mixture of both. Telling only insures that the basic amount of information gets across, without the necessary emotion that is needed for the story. Showing insures that you paint a vivid picture (if done right, that is) and you get emotion across, BUT it can also slow the story down to where it will get boring. And that is why you have to do an fairly even mixture of both (mainly show, really). To make sure that the story keeps moving forward, but will also make sure that a good picture is being painted. Here's a link that explains it all]. This is a very excellent article written by a YWS'er and she/he goes into this topic very well. I, myself, read this and my writing became waaay better than what it had been (in my opinion, that is. ^^ ).
This is a mild example of telling and not showing. Show us how the table is grand. We need a visual, not some random phrase that just tells us that he sat down at a fancy table. Umm, where there fancy candles? Gold plates? Tell us what's so grand about this table, don't just tell us.
I'll use this particular piece of dialogue to explain a bit of dialogue punctuation and capitalization to you. This doesn't have a punctuation problem but there is some later on in this work, so I'll explain right here to keep it on topic.
Comma after father.
Words here that need to be separated, but you should have a comma after Gaius.
One other thing that I noticed in particular as well, is that you use quite a number of semi-colons. Normally you try to avoid that, as semi-colons mess up the flow of the sentence for the most part. Obviously these semi-colons were done properly, but they still messed up the flow of the sentences were they were used. Think of them as an abrupt jerk, and then see if it's appropriate for the narration or dialogue.
Okay, I think that's all for now. I'd suggest just working on showing more than telling, as just telling makes the story extremely dry and not very emotional. Try and bring out a visual and you'll have it all. That link that I gave you earlier will give you some good basic rules to follow and will help you out a lot. Hope this helps!
Keep writing!
~Cricket