The Story of Monoceros

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well...this was quite a lovely story here, it can definitely pass for a fairy tale at any rate, I would certainly accept it as one, its got all the right vibes here for being a neat little fairy tale. That ending is definitely quite a wholesome one, and that last line..well...more details below at any rate.

Anyway let's get right to it,

The story began when the queen of the fairy realm visited a friend, a unicorn of unimaginable beauty. Her coat was as white as the cleanest snow during winter and her mane shone as if it was made of a thousand shimmering stars lighting the night.

On that particular visit, though, the unicorn did not look beautiful. She looked very sad and very ill. Her coat had become a dull grey and her mane was full of green moss and dirt. The unicorn laid on the ground, staring at pile of leaves.

"What is wrong, my dearest friend?" the fairy queen asked.
..
The unicorn sighed deeply and replied, "My daughter, Monoceros, is dying and there is not a thing which may be done."

The fairy queen followed the unicorn's gaze and saw a young foal. She was the spitting image of her mother in every way, except she looked very sick. The foal's coat had used to be as white as the cleanest snow and her mane had once shone as if it was made of a thousand stars. Now the young filly's coat had become a dull grey and her mane was full of moss and dirt. Her muzzle was covered in red rashes and flies were pestering her.

"Are you sure that my wand would be of no use?" The fairy queen pulled out her magical wand. "I could try to cure your daughter."

The mother unicorn shook her mane, dirt flying onto the queen's dress, "Nay, there is nothing to be done. Her death is written in the stars."

Seeing that her friend was overcome by tremendous grief, the fairy queen decided that she would have to do something. An idea came to her mind.

"My dearest friend, what if your foal lived forever watching over us. Would that make you happy again?" the fairy queen asked.

"But how?" The mare hung her head low. "She is already dying."

The fairy queen smiled and shook her head, "She shall live forever amongst the stars. Shall I make it so?"

The unicorn mother neighed in delightful agreement. Then the fairy queen waved her wand thrice.

The unicorn watched in bewilderment as the earth around her foal flew in all directions. The young, dying foal became surrounded by a thousand stars and slowly floated up into the night sky. Her tears of happiness were illuminated by the shining Monoceros.

"You have done a truly wonderful thing," the unicorn rejoiced. She watched the sight of her child joining the glistening bodies in the sky where she would live until the end of time.

Every evening, when the stars shine bright, Monoceros' mother looks out into the universe. She sees her beautiful unicorn foal, forever preserved in the night sky. Her coat as white as the cleanest snow during winter and her mane truly made out of a thousand shimmering stars.

That is the story of the unicorn among the night. Next time you look up at the shining stars and see the unicorn, give her a wave. She just might wave back.

Hi Jazzy!

Here as requested! I was very happy to have been asked to read this - it was a great story. You already have quite a lot of reviews, so I apologise if I am repetitive and repeat something already mentioned. I will try my best to mention new things!

I would like to first say that I loved the style you used while you wrote this. It suited the idea of the story exceptionally well and sounded just like a fairytale should. The third person, the descriptions and how they repeated at some points, and the way the emotions of the people weren't mentioned too much because it wasn't the emotions that mattered but more so the actions caused because of them. I couldn't have written a better creation fairytale myself, and I love how you got your inspiration ^^ It's great and I would love to read more like this! Perfect tone <3

I am not sure how I feel about the switch to present tense in the second to last paragraph though. I understand that you wanted to make it as if the unicorn was there watching her daughter in the present day and every say, but I would prefer if it stuck to present tense. The switch was too sudden and didn't quite switch with the rest of the story. I did like the last paragraph though, and found that switch of style and voice good for the story.

One thing that I would've liked to see was more of a description of setting. It was hard to picture where this would be happening at all. I felt like it was hard to picture quite where this was happening, even though I suppose it is earth with unicorns. A good way to include the setting would be to make a comparison of the foal's sickness to the surroundings. Gor example you could have the moss from the ground running into her hair and almost blending in with the moss infected ground that led to the river, and her skin was as greay as the darkening night. And so on, so we get a better understanding of where this story is. Not necessarily in which planet or so, but in a forest or in a farm or where?

I also wondered, am I the only one who is curious as to how the foal managed to get sick? I don't really know all that much about unicorns, and I wonder what had the capability to do this to her. I think it would be nice if it was fleetingly mentioned; it doesn't have to be a major part of the story or anything. Maybe the fairy could ask what is the matter with her or what caused it in case she is able to cure that kind of inflicted or caught sickness. It would then make sense, be in the story, and not take anything away from the focus.

Otherwise, there really is nothing more I can add that hasn't been mentioned already! Keep this creativity up, and I hope you manage to write many more beautiful stories like this one

Deanie x

Holy whoa, I didn't expect this to be so small! Hmmm, well, I guess we'll see why it's so short.

Onto the review.

The story began when the queen of the fairy realm visited a friend; a unicorn of unimaginable beauty.

Her coat was as white as the cleanest snow

her mane shone as if it was made of a thousand stars.

staring into a pile of leaves.

"Nay,

Her coat as white as the cleanest snow and her mane truly made out of thousand stars.

This review was brought to you by

I didn't even know thrice was a word before I read this. I wasn't hooked in by the first couple sentences; perhaps you could switch it up a bit.

"Whatever is wrong, my dearest friend?"

I don't know if this is grammatically correct or not, but I think saying what is better then whatever. It seems a little awkward with the extra "ever" attached to it.

"The unicorn mother understood and neighed in delightful agreement"

I don't think the understood part is needed there because the mother already understood the fairy queen before.

" sky where she would live until the end of time."

Do you mean the end of the world..?

Questions I have:
How long did the mother survived? Decades? Centuries? Did she go up in the stars also, to live with her daughter?

You could've included answers to these in the story somewhere. However, I think this is a exceptional piece especially for younger children so they'd not wonder why that constellation is up in the sky (even though it's not true). Nice job.

This was just so cute. I love it

My review may be a bit biased, as I've always had a bit of a soft spot for unicorns and fairies and all things celestial, but I just really liked this piece. It's so simple and sweet and it's just a really lovely idea.

Overall, it flowed pretty well. This one sentence, however, was a bit awkward for me.

"You have truly done a wonderful thing," the unicorn rejoiced.

Hello, love! Here as requested, and I'll answer your requested question at the end. Now, this is a sort of fairytale/children's story, so I won't be reviewing the diction on the same level as a teen or adult story, but I do have a few things to comment on.

First of all, your opening line. I, personally, am not drawn in by this hook. I find I hardly ever am with rhetorical questions - yes, even talking on the level of children's fiction here. That entire first paragraph feels like the child is being talked down to, and parents... Some of them might buy into it, but some of them most definitely won't. I think it would make much more sense to leave this kind of thing for the end - "now you know why you see a unicorn looking down at you from the stars" kind of thing - and open with more of the story. I also don't like the "You see" opening for the second paragraph, and I think the story could function just as well without it.

Secondly, your punctuation. In your second paragraph, the semicolon should either be a colon or a comma. The clause after the semicolon is a dependent clause and cannot stand on its own; see: how to use a semicolon. Since this is a children's book - a picture book, at that - I see no reason to use a semicolon when a comma would serve just as well.

Tags after dialogue (unless they start with a name or a proper noun) should never be capitalized at the beginning. A sentence before dialogue isn't a tag - unless it's a subject that ends with a "said" verb and then ends with dialogue, you should end the sentence with a period and then go into the dialogue. Therefore, it should be

"My dearest friend, what if your foal lived forever watching over us[. W]ould that make you happy again?" [t]he fairy queen asked.
"But how?" The mare hung her head low[.] "She is already dying."

Instead of a normal review could you please answer this question... If this was a picture book, would you buy it for your child? Why or why not?

You handed this to me for me to review and I don't regret it at all. I think the story was really sweet and it reminded me of a children's book. It's playful and childish and I'm in love with any story that is behind a constellation. Although, I've never seen or heard of that constellation, which leads me to believe that it's made up...or if it's not, I'm totally feeling dumb right now that I don't know about it. I wish it was a lot longer and maybe more drawn out, just so I can read more about the constellation but that's about it...thank you for sharing this with me!

Timmy here!

wow, just wow.

The entire story is so wonderful. It's written simply, like it was intended for younger kids, but the story inside the words is so cool, so beautiful. There are fairies and unicorns - all these magical creatures - and yet there is something more. When I read this, I didn't get the impression that it was just a story. It's more like a message. Dying is just a journey to another world, another time - "one that we all must take" if quoting Gandalf from Lord of the Rings. I just love that message in there, that dying makes us more beautiful and we don't ever really die, even. It's more of a re-birth, to become something far greater. Just beautiful. Definitely belongs in your book.

I hope I can find something to make this review worthwhile...

visited a friend. Her friend was a unicorn

The unicorn was laying on the ground

The foal's coat had used to be as white as the cleanest snow and her mane had once shone as if it was made of one thousand stars. Now the young filly's coat had become a dull grey and her mane was full of moss and dirt.

The foal's mother grinned

the fairy queen looks out into the universe.

This is such a sweet, little story! I think it would be a wonderful story book with pictures and whatnot. You already have a lot of the elements of a children's story, like repetition, simple dialogue, and short paragraphs.

I have some suggestions.

You could add some more detail after the fairy queen turns the foal into a constellation. What does the unicorn think of her foal being turned into stars?

Tie in the name of the constellation somehow! Is it the name of the parent unicorn or its child? Does the name have a special meaning? It would be a way to add a little more depth to the story.

You refer to the adult unicorn using "it" throughout the story. I'm glad you were consistent with pronouns, but I would suggest using "he" or "she." You already called the foal a "she" so the reader knows unicorns do have genders.

Okay, now the picky editing stuff.

'"Are you sure that my wand would be of no use?" The fairy queen pulled out her magical wand, "I could try to cure your daughter."'

You use a comma after wand that is not needed. You only use commas before and after dialogue if the sentence is talking about them speaking. For example, 'she said, "I love you."'
I would change the comma to a period. At least, that's what I believe is correct.

Your story was lovely! Keep writing!

Excellent "legend" and beautiful story! I don't have very many nitpicks for this!

First, in the beginning of your story you refer to the unicorn as "it," but later we find out that she is the foal's mother. You might want to refer to her as "she" and "her"... since she does have a gender, after all.

Second, I'd either remove your explanation at the top or change the formatting somewhat. If you really, really want to leave the explanation of why you wrote this, maybe change the formatting so that it's separate from the story, and so we can see that it's separate from the story. Maybe move it to the end, as well? There's just a sharp transition between you speaking about what you wrote and the contemplative, poetic voice of the narrator. The beginning of the story might flow better if we just dove right in to the first paragraph of the story.

Third, something seems not quite right with the way the fairy acted towards her friend the unicorn. I mean, she doesn't even wait for the unicorn to answer her question, she just waves her wand and sends the little unicorn away. I think that a fairy queen would have realized by now how essential it is to be careful with magic and get everyone's permission before using it. So, maybe have the mother unicorn reply and the fairy explain what she is planning to do. After all, mightn't the unicorn want to stay with her daughter just a little longer before she heads to the stars?

You grammar is flawless, so far as I've noticed. The voice of your narrator, your diction, and tone fit together seamlessly to create a slightly melancholy, magical mood for the reader. Nice work!

~ jessiethought ~