Dwarves of Pompeii

"Smoke was everywhere. The furnace was on fire. Annabeth could feel the other dwarves pushing past her, could hear their cries for help. She could feel the heat of the fire behind her, could hear the screams of death. She could feel her own throat contracting. Then she heard a shout in her ear."

This was a great, engaging opening sentence! For me, this really pulled me in, so good job! I agree with other reviewers that the word "then" is used often, so just try to find synonyms for it. The use of "she" is a little much for me as well, so try to have a balance between "Annnabeth" and "she", or find other ways of referring to her. Overall it was a very good story!

I love the story, but I found paragraph ten to be a bit... odd.

"The furnace thundered again and red-liquid burst from the mountain. It splashed down the ground around her. Some hit her arm and her face contorted in pain – it was liquid fire. Annabeth realized she was stupid to stay put and followed the crowd to the village."

first off, calling it red-liquid is odd, as dwarves would probably know what lava is.

secondly, lava is not quite a liquid consistency, also (while I don't know if it is different in dwarves) lava so hot it is a liquid will leave you with more than just pain. her arm would be gone.

You have some great ideas going! Something you might work on is sentence structure. Some parts are rather choppy
The man's voice, weaved with magic"; 'weaved' should be 'woven'.
The part with the man that is actually a wizard is a bit confusing. I had to go back and read it again to make sure they were the same person.
Maybe you could throw a little bit more of Pompeii's history in there to make it more realistic.
Overall, good work.
~Nymeria

Good work. I have some suggestions.

-The word "Then" is used quite a bit. I would suggest getting more creative with the usage and not using that word so often.

- "She could feel the heat of the fire behind her, could hear the screams of the dying." In this sentences, I would suggest wording it differently. Instead of "could hear the screams of dying." maybe "could hear the screams of death." or "could hear the screams of dwarfs dying." Screams of dying is improper.

-Instead of "Then heard a shout in her ear." Put SHE or ANNABETH between "Then" and "heard".

-in the line “Run!” A man's voice." A man's voice spoke or shouted? Just "a man's voice" is not very proper.

-In the third paragraph, "there was a bang". You could say this in a more creative way such as "A bang split the air", "A bang sounded", or "A bang pierced Annabeth's ears."

Smoke. Everywhere. The furnace was on fire. Annabeth could feel the other dwarves dwarfs pushing past her, could hear their cries for help. She could feel the heat of the fire behind her, could hear the screams of the dying. She could feel her own throat contracting. Then sheheard a shout in her ear.

“Run!” A man's voice. Human. He grabbed her wrist and pulled. Annabeth almost fell flat on her face, but then she was running. The ground beneath her shook as the furnace rumbled. She strained her eyes to see in the smoke, to not trip over fallen dwarves, but everything was grey. All Annabelle Annabeth could do was let the man lead her out of the caves. These sentences were more choppy than in previous sections, especially the first few sentences. I would try and revise them so that they are more smooth

There was a bang. A blast of fiery air swept past her and Annabeth shielded her burning eyes. But then it got cooler. With every step the air cooled and the smoke cleared, until eventually, they emerged from the mountain.

Annabeth suckedI don't really like the word sucked right there, it doesn't seem like the right verb to use in the outside air and coughed again – it was still smoky. She wiped her eyes and looked in front of her, at the torso of her rescuer. Though spotted with soot, his green robe had an unnatural shine to it. The man wasn't a local. She looked up at his face. The man's nose was pointy, and he had a grey beard. Almost as gray as the sky. beard that was almost as gray as the sky

Her attention was stolen by a chunk of flaming rock shooting across the sky. It headed straight towards the dwarf village. There was a bang as it landed on top of a cottage, shrouding it in flames. The dwarves dwarfs around her screamed, but their cries were drowned by more explosions. More flaming rocks. more explosions and flaming rocks.

The man knelt at her level. He pointed down the mountain at the village. She couldn't hear his voice, but she could understand what he was saying. Get away from the mountain. Get home. So she ran downhill as fast as her short legs would take her. In my opinion, I don't think that just the man pointing should be enough to tell Annabeth what he was trying to say. It might be better if he pointed away from the mountain so Annabeth understood where he wanted her to go.

At the bottom, Annabeth could see the whole mountain. It had opened, like a flower in Spring. The furnace's explosion must have split the mountain in two, because fire and rocks were spewing from a crack in its top. And there was ash. Everywhere. Annabeth could see the cloud moving across the sky,; she could feel the flakes settling on her skin. They tickled. Again, a lot of short and choppy sentences. Some can be good for emphasis, but be careful not to overdo it.

“Get to the village!” A dwarf shouted as he raced past her. They were flooding out of the cave entrance like ants abandoning a nest. I really like that analogy

She spotted the man, his green robe billowing in the hot wind. He pointed her friends in the direction of the village. One dwarf he pushed He pushed one dwarf, and they Who is 'they' referring to? toppled head over heels down the slope.

The furnace thundered again and red-liquid burst from the mountain. It splashed down the ground around her. Some hit her arm and her face contorted in pain – it was liquid fire. Annabeth realised she was stupid to stay put and followed the crowd to the village.

Every surface was covered in a layer of dirty snow. Ash. It was chaos. Mothers were running from burning homes with children in their arms. Dwarves were laying on the streets, choking. The smoke weaved in and out of windows. Flaming rocks smouldered as buckets of water were thrown on them. But it was pointless. Dwarves were used to fire, but not this. Again, a lot of short sentences with the same format- SV and then all the fluff towards the end. Try and mix it up for a smoother read

Annabeth stopped for breath by a pump and a pale pail was shoved into her arms. The liquid was black. “Go on!” The pump-operator shouted. “Throw it at something!”

“There's no point!” An old lady tugged at her arm. “Forget your buckets, they won't help! Come to the square! Everyone's going to the square!”

The pump-operator ignored her and kept pumping. The lady kept tugging. Annabeth caught a glimmer of green in the corner of her eye – the robed human. He was running in the direction of the square, a crowd of dwarves following him. Annabeth handed the bucket to another dwarf and went with the old lady. The way you oftentimes describe the man, for lack of a better word, as a human with a green cloak can get repetitive. You could mix it up a little or not mention one of those facts since, as far as we know, there is only one man and one important figure wearing a green cloak. You could also mention his size, since that makes him stand out a little.

With every step the sky grew darker and the ash got thicker. Yet the man's robe still shone green. Why was he there?

Another explosion. Everyone froze and turned to the mountain. A flash. Annabeth's vision turned white for a second. Then red. Then she saw the mountain move. The crack in its top widened until it was like an open wound, burning blood oozing out of it. The red liquid began crawling down the hill. It touched a bush and the shrub erupted into flames. Dwarves screamed. Annabeth hugged her burning chest. The old lady beside her wept. Same thing here. The sentences seemed rushed and as if they were just pounded out here. I would suggest going through the paragraphs like this where it's a bigger issue and trying to think of a way that changes up the structure of the sentences and possibly combines some.

“Listen!” It was the human. All eyes left the mountain and looked to the man, standing before the dwarves dwarfs on a stone platform. Somehow, his voice was louder than the rumbles of the furnace. Somehow, despite the tickling of the ash on her skin and her aching lungs, he gave Annabeth hope. Why would the tickling of ash and Annabeth's aching lungs prevent her from hoping? Maybe it would be better to mention the mass destruction around them. Just a thought

The man seemed to have the same effect on everyone else. The mothers put their children down and the fire-dwarves dwarfs were dropped their buckets. Even the old lady stopped weeping and instead gazed at the man's shining robe.

“I am a wizard!” He shouted. This seems like a hasty reveal, in my opinion. I feel that maybe he would wait a little until revealing that, since it seems like something that could put the man in danger.

The man's voice, weaved with magic, cast a peace over the village. The ash continued covering their homes and coating the dwarve's dwarf's skin, but now it felt like an autumn shower. It didn't burn. Fire swept across the village, but the flames morphed into a beautiful sunset. Even the mountain's rumbles were but a whisper.

“I have been sent by King Vulcan to deliver a message.” Annabeth knew she disliked the king but at that moment she couldn't feel any hate, only peace. The smoke cleared from her lungs and she was filled with a sweet bliss.

As the dwarves dwarfs swayed contentedly, the wizard continued. “You, the dwarves dwarfs of Pompeii, have failed to pay your taxes. I have been sent to punish you. King Vulcan has destroyed your forge. He now demands that you all be frozen, until such a time that another civilisation takes pity on you and repays your debt.”

The wizard raised his arms and swayed them like a conductor. The ash listened to him. It swirled around the dwarves, encasing their bodies. They felt nothing as their blood stopped running, as their hearts stopped beating. Annabeth was smiling – her eyes locked on the wizard's shining robe – as she turned into a statue.

The wizard thrust his arms towards the mountain and it billowed for the final time, throwing a curtain of lava and rocks over the dwarve's village. Every building, pillar and fountain was turned to rubble. Every dwarf, frozen mid-breath, became an ashen statue.

The wizard clicked his fingers and the sky faded black. His work was done. All that remained of Pompeii was its memory, cast in ash.But its citizens were not dead. They were frozen, waiting for a civilisation to take pity on them and pay their debts. We already know this, so there is no need to repeat it.

The wizard knew that would not happen. And even now, the dwarves dwarfs of Pompeii are waiting. Waiting to be saved. to be saved.
I really like this dramatic ending, because it wraps everything up but still ends with a little bit of suspense.