Hey Dracula!
I thoroughly enjoyed this poem, be it the consistent rhyme or the changes in it, but most of all for the imagery - which I found incredibly descriptive and delightfully poignant. Since I'm here, I'd just like to run through this from the start and explain my interpretation as well as some parts that caused me confusion and, perhaps, offer one or two suggestions.
The beginning, I confess, felt a little strange to me:
Betrayal rings true as fields of ripened fruits
Call teasingly to hungry wanderers.
It's ambiguous and a fascinating hook, so I am enticed to read on, but coming back to it afterwards I feel that, perhaps, there might be a better way, linguistically, to frame the 'betrayal'. In my mind, I imagine a sharp, ominous note ringing out over the fields, and whilst the foreboding is substantiated with the carnage that occurs later in the poem, I think the wonderfully executed shock factor could be assisted by a gentler, more sinister beginning. 'Hum' is a word I'm partial to, as opposed to 'ring', but this is just the way I read it and is by no means a universal opinion, so I understand if you'd rather stick with it :^)
Also, a tiny grammar nitpick I'd like to point out: 'squander' is a verb, and whilst it can be read as such in the context of your second line, it appears more like a noun to me.
Throughout the rest of the poem, however, I love, love the vividness of your writing, the tangible richness of each word in creating this dynamic, tumultuous scene. I'll go through the rhyme scheme first: the CC after ABAB was especially interesting, because it slowed the entire poem down with a false sense of security, almost like a conclusion, right before the sudden twist.
They pound the graven ground,
Poisoned paws tug at fur which falls in crimson mounds.
The unprecedented AA here was, I think, a brilliant choice. There's an interesting rhythmic lilt to the second line, which makes the difference in length more than forgivable - anticipated, wanted even, in retrospect. For me that's really another turning point in the poem; the action sets in, and as inevitably happens in such moments, too many things happen at once to really observe each with equal attention. The twist in rhythm and length both capture that sense of confusion for me, especially the dislocation of 'poisoned paws' in demonstrating what is most important, most notable, about the action taking place.
I'm curious about your use of 'crusty' - it's generally associated with physical sensation, so it's a bit unclear, to me, what it means in relation to 'smell'. Perfectly functional word, however!
Once home to them, the glens now gleam with waste.
The 'gl' sounds present in 'glens' and 'gleam' are particular stand-outs to me; almost alliteration but better, more convincing, more resonant. There's one more thing I want to pick out, though, which is 'crusades' in the last line. Perhaps I'm missing context or I've misunderstood some part of the poem, but I wonder if 'crusades' is the best word to describe, the way I've interpreted it, a visit followed by a slaughter? As always, though, this is purely personal opinion, so don't feel obliged to question anything you've intentionally chosen.
I said one more thing, but now I contradict myself. There's another reason why I liked the poem, which was the use of some words that are more obscure (not quite archaic), such as 'graven' and 'belie', as well as phrase inversion. That really gave me a more fairytale feel for your poem, which may or may not have been what you were aiming for, but I found the contrast between the lovely language and powerful, violent imagery to be very memorable.
I hope that this was helpful in some way, however slight, and please keep writing!
~ hexglass
Points: 25
Reviews: 10
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