What would you call it?
Impossible love?
Having you so close
And still so far beneath my reach?
I knew it was a dream
A mere fairytale
But still it seemed
Like if you and i would sail
It sure wasnt easy love
Maybe actually reckless?
The fact of knowing your true nature
But still loving you; being so sure
Would you laugh at me now
Seeing me in this mess?
Would you understand how
My heart broke,
Making me a human less?
Would you understand
My heart was unprotected?
Wild untamed
And really delighted?
Would you be able to
Actually acknowledge
How much i deeply loved you,
My rock, my ledge ?
On which i leaned on
Forcomforting support
For help, afraid you'd be gone
That this dream, you'd abort
And yes things must have changed
Cause i didnt recognize where i was
As fast as those racing horses on hooves
Things changed but what was the cause?
Yeah i saw you move on ahead
Leaving me behind
Confused, mislead
But still trying to find
You as my salvation
You as my happiness
But now i drown in depression
Cause you're leaving me a mess
Too bad you couldnt love me
The way i love YOU!
Too bad you couldnt free me
From this obssession for YOU!
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141,418 Literary Works • 674,397 Reviews
Hi!
So, I'll start with some nitpicks:
The line sounds rather incomplete to me. Sail to where?
There's also some little mistakes, like capitalising 'i's and missing apostrophes. Like those two:
Be careful of the little things like that. They're rather noticeable.
human less? I'm not sure I understand that.
This line came across to me a little disconnected, since you put what the object that the narrator is trying to find on the next stanza. And stanzas are supposed to be of the same topic and meaning. I think you're forcing the rhyme here.
Try: Cause you leave me in a mess. Instead, I think it flows better that way.
I really don't think you needed to capitalise the 'you'
Overall opinion, I think you're trying to force the rhyme a bit here. Which makes it confusing and rather disconnected. I don't think that rhyme should come first when writing a poem, focus on the content would be more helpful than rhymes. I think that you did a fairly good job, just be careful not to leave lines hanging for the sake of rhyme.
You have quite a few errors hear with grammar. Only withe the letter "i" though.
Make sure you capitalize those "I"!!!!!
I liked this a lot. I really did. But with the end,,,
Why are you capitalizing You? It kind of makes the piece childish and draw the umpotance of it away. If your trying to add emphasis to the words, you need to find a different way. And obsession is spelled...obsession. COudn't also needs an apostrophe in between the n and t.
Other than that, I could really relate.
Great job,
-Brie
It was amazing, but a couple of errors.
BE SURE TO CAPITALIZE ANY I's THAT STAND ALONE
and any other I's that are lowered cased should be capatalize.
*red are marks that you should fix
Other than that it was amazing hope to see more poetry from you