When you were far away
I wanted you close
I wanted you to forever stay
'Cause you were my love dose
Every night when I closed my eyes
I would only see you
They say love never dies...
I think it was the case with you
Every second of the day
You occupied my mind relentlessly
I tried to get you out of the way
But my love for you showed itself too persistently
I saw you flirt here and there
And everytime my heart would go 'boom' !
'Cause I had to bear
The pain of seeing you with other girls while I was here in my gloom
I knew I had to forget about you; move on
But how could I, when everything reminded me of you?
When my heart broke in pieces when you were gone
When nothing made me feel better but you
You pushed me back doen to earth so fast
I must admit I never saw it coming
Too bad it couldn't last
That friendship I was hoping would keep on growing
Now i've gotta smile at life, climb back up
'Cause of a heartless heartbreaker
Yes you, you evil mop
How could you be such a faker?
Thanks for all those good feelings
Love you for that
However I hate you too 'cause of your faking
So perfect which I now take as an unwanted fact
Doing this to me...
But no; to I hate you would be a lie
In some ways you made me see
Life from an awsome perspective that I dont deny
Bye bye now
Hope you regeret me one day
Im hopin you do somehow
Though you never really cared U must say
You just wanted to have fun
Well you had it
You happy now? happy for breaking a heart?
Happy for adding this heart to your godforsaken collection
Are you truly happy?
Or is it that you just don't care?
Yeah probably
After all, I was the one with my own ideas all along anyways...
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
This is a very good piece. It was well written but the rhyming scheme is really off. In my opinion you should try to write poems that give a specific rhyming pattern so that it gives more impression to your readers. I also found some mistakes that should not be there. Reminder: proofread any work before submitting it, believe me it helps.
- downHere we go:
So that's all I have to say. Keep in mind all the things I mentioned here. Happy writing!
Well, your poem is interesting. Not badly written.
Though I do have the feeling that you were stretching for rhymes. A lot of what you used just didn't fit and made me think, "What? How does this make sense?" If rhyming a word isn't going well, change it; as long as it makes sense and sounds right, then it's all good. I might suggest you try this site for better rhyming words, it's surprisingly helpful.
I also found that the rhythm was actually very off, inconsistent. I would suggest you keep the lines about the same size; too many times you'd have a long line followed by a very short one and it didn't work. Consistency is key here.
This was a major stretch for a rhyme but made me laugh; I'll add that to my list of favorite insults.
I hope you mean "I must say" here. If you mean "you," then I'd suggest not using the chatspeak version. It takes away from the poem. But hey, if you meant "I," more power to you.
Anyway, I believe you have potential. Your idea itself was pretty good, a tiny bit cliché, you'll just need to work on rhyme and rhythm if you want to improve.