Ok, before you read this, this is based on a true story. Which is why I couldn't find Kamel's brother name. Kamel himself was born in 1924.
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Kamel finally got a job. He tried hard for it. It was a shoe-making store. His job was to sew the shoes. The boss was pretty friendly, he wasn't mean at all. Keep in mind that he was a Christian who was surrounded by Muslims. So he was pretty lucky. However, about a couple of months, his "Friendly" boss was mysteriously taken over by a new, grumpier boss. Later that day, he told them that he killed their own boss to take over and that if anybody reports him, he will kill them. Of course, Kamel was angry, but he continued his job, anyway. However, later that night he warned that his boss could be sued. His boss grew angry and disgusted and pulled out a knife. Kamel got scared and ran out to the balcony (For some reason there was one), and his "boss" followed him quickly. Then Kamel jumped out of the balcony, 3 stories tall. While he was falling, he yelled "St.Mary!" and landed perfectly safe. St.Mary was the mother of Jesus Christ, for you non-Christians. He then ran as fast as he can to his house. He told this to his father, it made him angry, so he questioned him "Do you want to become a Monk?". So he replied "Yes". His father promised him that he wouldn't make him die like his brother did.
So the day after, his father drove him to the monastery. Then the "Father" of the monastery (Father means the main Monk of the monastery) made him officially... a Monk and was given the name "Falatos". His dream was partially done! Then he was ordered a room. The room looked extremely uncomfortable, with dust and wax and rats everywhere. Kamel-er-Falatos took time to clean the room, it took him a week to make it perfectly fine. And keep in mind that Monks pray and read the Bible the entire day, and they also read the Agpeya, pretty much a prayer book mostly made out of psalms and Saint's writings. In every afternoon, they would make a liturgy that lasted about 5 hours, so they would get extremely tired. And during this time, Falatos' father practically lived normal, just trying not to miss him, he was doing good at it.
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I was going to put more, but I realized I would need a break for the next part. Sorry if this was short.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Well, this isn't too short as part of a whole, to answer your last query. But in a different way, it's far too short!
Here's the thing: You've got many scenes contained in less than one page of writing, but they're all summarized. Here's a list of just a few scenes contained in this short bit.
- He tried hard to get a job and finally got one. (This could actually be several scenes by itself, but never mind.)
- Later that day, he told them that he killed their own boss to take over and that if anybody reports him, he will kill them. (I'm confused as to why the new boss would actually tell them he killed their old boss, but never mind that, too.)
- However, later that night he warned that his boss could be sued.
- He told this to his father, it made him angry, so he questioned him "Do you want to become a Monk?"
Each of the sentences in the list--which is by no means an exhaustive list--could be a whole scene or even a set of scenes all by itself. Instead, it's a single sentence. So although you've got an interesting story here, there's nothing to really draw readers in and make us care about it, because we only know the bare facts about what happened. It's more like reading a news report of what happened than a story.
And I know it's based on a true story, but so are books such as Julie & Julia, I Am Malala, and My Life in France... The point is, these books use dialogue, description, and characterization just like fictional novels do, even though they're based on true stories. Of course, in this case I used memoirs as examples, so the people who wrote them actually lived the stories themselves and had memories of the real places, people, and speech that were involved. But even writers who write nonfiction about other people's stories use these elements. If you want us to really get into the story, you've got to give us details to reel us in and make us care about it.
BlueAfrica
Okay, this is interesting.
So I don't know where you are going with this. It's interesting for sure but I don't know anything about your characters. They are faceless, true we may know their names and things they are doing but they have no color.
There is a difference between telling facts and telling a story.
You are telling here, not showing.
Your readers want to be pulled into your world. So pull them in.
Here is an example of showing rather than telling.
"Maybe some of you are wondering what happen to your old boss." The new boss's voice carried across the room, booming and harsh. "Well I took care of him," the man's beady eyes flashed dangerously, pinning Kamel in palace. "the same way I'll take care of any of you who mention this to the police."
Kamel could feel heat creeping up his neck as he listened to the man and he had to grind his teeth to stop himself from speaking.
Imagine you are trying to describe a scene from movie. You can point out body language, colors, and smells, but you should never take the short cut of telling the reader straight out what your characters are feeling, let them figure it out for themself.
So this seems like an interesting story, I am curious to see where it headed.
Let me know when the next chapter is posted.
-DG
I'm actually "telling" a true story, which is why it might be inaccurate. Thanks for the review!