z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The story of the deadly and the terrifying mustache of Sir big Mustache the Glorious

by DoubleOJell0


There was once this big, tough guy who everyone was scared of.

He had big arms and legs, he had scars all around his body, he even looked ugly. His face was a huge mess too, full of puberty-things that I shouldn't explain.

However, it wasn't his big stature that terrified people.

It wasn't the huge and noticeable scars that he had all around his face.

It also wasn't the puberty things that I shouldn't explain.

It was his deadly, terrifying, humongous, hideous, gray mustache.

His mustache.....Where should I start? The mustache has caused over a hundred fainting and vomiting and mini-heart attacks. It makes anyone panic when they smell the mustache (it smells like rotten cheese) a 100 yards away. It was the mustache....the mustache that makes me shiver to this day. 

And, because of his mustache, this big guy was nicknamed "Sir Big Mustache the Glorious one", respectably. 

His real name is Steve Steven.

You see, his mustache is mysterious, no one knows why it causes people to panic. Everyone guessed that his glorious mustache had magical properties. That he sold his Favorite Barnie the Dinosaur doll to the devil or something. Any way, people always wondered why this mustache existed.

We never knew why.

But, one day he shaved his mustache. The big guy shaved his mustache. People all around town were panicking, where did his mustache go?! It was the front page in the newspapers. I remember that school was canceled that day. It was quite a day.

Then, the next day, the big guy disappeared. 

No one ever knew why.

No one ever got the vomiting or the fainting or the panicing anymore.

No one ever knew why he had these puberty things.

The police investigated his disappearance for 3 and a half years, nothing was found.

I live to tell the tale of the Big Guy, Sir big Mustache the Glorious.

P.S: I have only vomited twice from his mustache

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35 Reviews

Points: 24
Reviews: 35

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Fri Sep 09, 2016 1:24 am
MrMuddyPig wrote a review...



Hahahah. This was a funny story although it seems more of a joke story than a novel.(I just made up Joke Story)

Anyway, off to the review.

1. Don't Make The Name Too Long, Let's say reader likes you story and want to read it again, he will have to type, he wont remember it most of the time!

2.that his glorious mustache had magical properties. That he sold his Favorite

I don't think there should be a period here ^

Put a comma, it wasn't the best transition.


3.But, one day he shaved his mustache. The big guy shaved his mustache.

The story is pretty good, but if you repeat the same thing twice, it gets boring.

4.for 3 and a half years

Better to put three than plain number 3.

Anyway, It was a really funny story, the P.S. part, although out of the plot was funny.

And yes, That would be Mr Muddy Pig OUT!




DoubleOJell0 says...


Thanks for the review!



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Points: 100
Reviews: 1

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Fri Sep 09, 2016 12:02 am
irate wrote a review...



Hello! This is my first review, so I apologize if it isn't very good.

This was an interesting little read; the plot, the setting, the climax of Steve Steven's beard being shaved, oh my!! But in all seriousness, I enjoyed the voice somewhat, and the story was entertaining, despite whatever improvements it could undergo.
There were some grammar mistakes, but I won't get all picky about that.

His face was a huge mess too, full of puberty-things that I shouldn't explain.

This was honestly my favorite sentence in the entire story, aside from the second one that mentions "puberty-things that I shouldn't explain." xD
I will point out that a comma before the "too" would improve the flow. And I'll also point out a couple of things at the end;
The police investigated his disappearance for 3 and a half years, nothing was found.

When writing prose, I think it's a good rule of thumb to write numbers in their word-forms? So 3 would be "three", of course. Though that probably isn't grammatically required.
A "but" before "nothing was found" (and after the comma :P) might help, though. :) Or just change the comma to a semi-colon. :b

Also, the "P.S" at the end kind of tears up the whole flow of the story right at the end. Maybe you could find another way to end it?


I get the feeling that this wasn't really a serious writing attempt? (I apologize if I'm wrong, I don't mean to offend). All-in-all, either way, it was a fun little tale to read through. ^_^


Hoping this might help!
- 404




DoubleOJell0 says...


Thanks, for the review. Yea, pretty much all of my works tend to be silly. I'm still keeping the P.S though :D




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