Young Writers Society

I can see you are a fan of the gelatin.

As a writer of nonsensical poems (which I sincerely hope no one takes seriously) I commend your passion for the red wiggly blob.

I want to suggest some ways you can improve this poem. There is always a line when it comes to writing the ridiculous. I like to encourage breaking rules if it suits your creative spirit, but, sometimes one just can't get away with it. An example would be your intro.

Why did you die?

Why did you make me cry?

Why couldn't I even say goodbye?

Oh, my mouth is dry.

The same word sound rhymed four times over? Die, cry, goodbye, dry...not the cleverest of rhymes. Lets try something a little less bland. In the beginning, you want your readers to think you're talking about something serious: the murder of a loved one. Really, you're just talking about eating a jello. What does murder and jello have in common? Red gooey stuff. Use that to your advantage.

Example:

The gore was unimaginable.
The trauma? Less so.
I committed this messy murder.
I am in a state of woe.

Rhyming every other line is a classic scheme. Here I rhymed so and woe. I find funny poems read best with this scheme, however, you can use any scheme you wish, so long as it works. An inconsistent scheme is typically not the way to go. Sadly, this is where you went.

You start by rhyming the first four lines. Then you rhyme the second lines. Then...what happened to the rhymes? I can see you made an attempt with me, happily, sadly, cowardly...but those just aren't strong rhymes. What you need to do is keep it consistent. If you're going to rhyme, pick a scheme and stick to it. You could keep it simple as I suggested and go every other line. You could also try an abab sort of scheme (first and third lines rhyme, second and fourth lines rhyme and so on). This scheme, however, is more of a challenge.

Try out some of my suggestions and see what you come up with. Again, I love the idea behind this poem. The messy murder of a jello. How deliciously tragic. Keep inventing and improving on your skills. Remember: a good work is never finished.

--MS

Hi,
There are quite interesting twists in this that caught my eyes which is quite hard for me lately.

*1*

Why did you die?

Why did you make me cry?

Why couldn't I even say goodbye?

You started this poem with flurry of questions which is generally to keep the readers' attention. These three questions are particularly quite "hanging" but after a second reading, did you consider these questions as too simple and not helping much? You could add some setting or feeling or irony--anything--to make it more realistic--although I know you have the "satire" element throughout the poem.

*2*

Oh, my mouth is dry.

From my tears that drop down.

In my bed I lie.

Now, maybe the readers are wondering on why the 'mouth' appeared in this. The second line doesn't seem to be quite rational--by the way, I found your punctuation, honestly, sucks. It doesn't make the poem 'special' in any way...but that's my view. This kinda format annoys me. Moreover, it makes the poem harder to read--whatever. Moving on, why you stated "in my bed I lie". How can you lie "in" bed? Preposition is quite essential--important element in poem, if you are bad in that, I propose you to study more on it.

*3*

And in that day you wore a gown.

To marry me.

Happily.

This intrigues me. Firstly, I imagined that it is really involving marriage, but it isn't quite so when read fully. Haha. I wanna focus on the "you" part. Throughout the poem, you're not really clarify this "you" making the poem quite confusing. Maybe you want to add the ambiguities, but I don't know whether it quite works.

*4*

But then it ended sadly.

That murder is stupid.

He ran off.

Cowardly.

Now, your poem is getting unorganized. I read your poem like 3, 3, 3 because in each '3' it means something and in another '3', it means something else. Just note that sometimes, format in poetry is considerable as important in most people especially in the past like Shakespeare or Robert Frost. Anyway, what "sadly ended" here? The marriage maybe. But you give another important 'word' after that, and it is 'murder'. I think it quite poor to put it 'abruptly' there. The time isn't really good to add the suspension or cliffhanger or whatever--and you must know, you actually can add these elements effectively good in your poem. Just fix a little.

*5*

Why did he kill?

Why did he have that spoon?

Why did he leave me ill?

I love this part. It's like a chorus in a song. These flurry of questions did clarify something important. And I respect you for not clarifying everything and keeping the 'ambiguous' element till the closure. However, I don't think 'ill' is working. And the most confusing part is, who is this 'he'? Although it doesn't play a great role to clarify this 'man', but at least, enlighten me. The 'spoon' part works well.

*6*

Oh, your death is embarrassing.

To me and you.

Oh, your red and sweet face.

Got hit rapidly by a spoon.

How embarrassing is it? Describe more. And something I found lacking in your poem is that of a setting. I've read a lot of poems made by popular poet and most of them have some kind of setting in it. What's wrong with the second line? "To me and you"? That doesn't make up something for me. And the third line doesn't really appeal the sympathetic element which I think it should be.

*7*

And now I have to bear it.

Your death is sad.

That murder is bad.

Putting these only make the poem longer. And to me, long poem is useless if it just made up by a huge chucks of blankness. Try cutting them.

*8*

Oh, you always smelled like the apples.

Oh, you always smelled great.

I don't see why these humans.

Can't make these Jellys reproduce!

Now's the interesting part. This part's kinda make the whole poem brighter, clarifying the poem clearly in most parts. Please, cut the "the" before "apples". Unnecessarily long and making the flow worsen. Well, your whole rhyme and rhythm in the poem is acceptable, but not flowing really well because there are long part there and short part here. Understand what I'm saying?

Keep writing. I love your humor in your poems.

~Memo