In the beginning of October, there was once a male mailman with the name of Phunoy.
Phunoy went around the neighborhood sending newspaper and stuff.
Just going around normal, only to see something weird.
It was a room in the middle of the street with a door that had a "Do not enter!" sign.
Phunoy was quite curious, so he knocked on the door hard.
"Read the sign?!" a voice boomed from the room.
"Just tell me` what this is!" Phunoy replied quickly.
"Open the door then." the guy said with what appeared to be a chuckle.
Then Phunoy opened quietly, and he saw a plain, healthy pumpkin in a round table.
The table had 2 chairs next to it, one seemed to be old and the other one to be brand-new glass one.
"Hello?" Phunoy said with a hint of fear
"Just open the pumpkin!" the same guy said.
Phunoy, wondering where that guy was, just decided to open the lid of the pumpkin.
"I'm FREE!" cried the voice, he appeared out to be an orange genie "A THOUSAND CENTURIES!".
"I will grant you 3 wishes, as I'm the Halloween genie!"
Phunoy, confused, and said "ANY three wishes?".
"Definitely! Any wish, good or bad!"
"I wish for more wishes!".
"Can't grant that."
"But you said..."
*A long pause*
"Um, yep I lied" said the genie "And when I lie, I make the wishes for you!" the genie chuckled hard.
"NO!" shouted Phunoy "SECOND CHANCES PLEASE!"
"So the three wishes for you, pal." began the genie.
"I will give you a ballerina suit for Halloween."
"You will be made fun of, by all the ages."
"And you will be fired from your job."
Phunoy mouth grew wide big, and he was obviously speechless and frustrated. Phunoy was MAD.
"Oh" began the genie "When I shoot off these wishes with my finger, you will get them."
Phunoy, who was thinking super fast, started to run away, but the door was locked.
"HA!" suddenly said the genie "Think you're so clever, eh?". "Cuz' you ain't!".
Then, when the genie was pointing his index finger to him, Phunoy thought.
And right when the genie shot off his magic, Phunoy dodged.
The magic bounced off the the brand-new glass chair...
and the magic went right to the genie's ugly face.
"NO!" cried the genie with an awful attitude.
So when that happened, the genie's
became stuck with a ballerina suit.
Be made fun of everything
And lost his magic.
So the genie, with these "wishes"...... mysteriously disappeared.
Then, with a smile, Phunoy got the pumpkin and got to unlock the door and walk away like a boss.
***************************************************************
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,817 Reviews
Please tell me English is your second language, because this is atrociously written.
Nice idea - I love genies... and Halloween! - but see the review below my comment. If you want to elevate the reader's response from
"Really? Is that the best you can do? This is so lazy..."
to
"Hey, this was a cute seasonal story; I like it..."
...then you should follow Songmorning's advice.
The answer is yes. Though I don't get how this was a "review".
I feel like I just woke up from a REALLY weird dream. o_O
Um, I'm not really sure what to say here. It just really, truly felt like a crazy dream--odd, surreal...I laughed at a few lines.
I can't say I'm able to give much criticism, as I'm unsure how much of the oddness in your writing was intentional and how much you'd be willing to change. Is English your first language? Some of the oddities felt like English-as-a-second-language grammar mistakes. There are a few little things, however, which I think should definitely be fixed.
"Phunoy went around the neighborhood sending newspaper and stuff." - delivering newspapers and stuff.
"Phunoy was quite curious, so he knocked the door hard." - knocked on the door
"And when I lie, I grant the wishes for you!" - I MAKE the wishes for you. The person who chooses what the wishes are is making the wishes. If Phunoy had made the wishes, then the genie would grant them. However, if the genie both decides what the wishes are and puts them into effect, you'd say "I make the wishes for you."
"Phunoy mouth grew wide big" - Phunoy's mouth grew wide.
"HA!" suddenly said the genie "Think you're so clever, eh?". "Cuz' you ain't!".
The
". "
in between "eh?" and "Cuz'" is unnecessary. There's no need to break up the quotation or add more punctuation there. Also, there's no need to have an extra period at the end of the sentence.
Anyway, thanks for making my brain melt out of my ears today. That was a pretty weird, crazy, funny story, and it left me rather boggled.
(By the way, I see the other reviewers have suggested you remove "male" in "male mailman". I disagree. It seems to me that this was purposefully redundant, and it made me laugh aloud when I read it.)
I was being taught 2 languages at the same time, so that's probably the reason, thanks for the review!
Hello there! Decided to leave a review
Overall, I actually enjoyed reading your story! I thought it was cute and simple, but it effectively kept my attention throughout the story. The only thing I'll suggest is for the first line ("In the beginning of October, there was once a male mailman with the name of Phunoy."), remove "male" right before mailman. It sounds redundant right beside mailman, so I would find a different way to establish that he is a male character. One more thing, is the dialogue. At some points it might help to add tags after a characer speaks, so as to clarify who is speaking. At some points I did get a bit confused, but overall, you have a wonderful story! I absolutely loved how you ended it, by the way!
Anyway, great job, and I look forward to reading more of your work!
Sorry if it was confusing and thanks for the review!
It wasn't too confusing, just a bit of a hard time tracking dialogue. And no problem, you're a great writer!
Thanks!
The story was well written and has a great story line. I like the way you have organised the story from the start to the end !!!! But i just have a doubt should it have been:
There was a mail man named Phunoy.
Phunoy went around the neighbourhood delivering(and not sending) newspaper and other item.
The genie was stuck with a ballerina suit.
and I think you cant use both male and mailman.
These were the sentences I think can be changed. other than that the way you have said it is fine .
Thanks for the review!