The Basement Secrets : Chapter 1

by DivergentDemigod, OreosAreLife

Published November 8, 2016

E - Everyone

In Basement Secrets

We hear the word dare uttered to us,

We think, its gonna be fun!

There is nothing we fear to do.

So say it loud and clear,

Give it to us point blank.

We won't back down, ever

We are not cowards, or chickens

We are brave, dare-devils

People may call us reckless, and stupid

But to be honest we are just fearless.

We risk it all for a rush

For we are dauntless and adrenaline is our drug.

It's a dive-in head first,

All or nothing kinda thing for us.

We are the riskers,

Dare not to dare us.

.

.

I had never given much thought about how I would die.

In fact death never seemed real. For me, it was something an action hero always seemed to escape in movies. I never thought I would witness one, let alone of someone I loved.

The longest day of my life started quite tragicly. I was really comfortable in my bed, warm and relaxed as I stretched, my thoughts dripping with sleep.

The sun was up and shining brightly marking the start of a yet another warm day, I could tell by the way it illimunated my room. The birds were singing filling the silence with their sweet melody.

This is going to be a good day, I thought rolling in my bed and trying to get back to sleep like the big fat burrito I was. I just hope the teachers at school don't assign too much homework today.

Oh. School. Crap.

I couldn't believe I had let myself be late. Again.

But then, sleep always sounded better in the morning than it did at night. Well time to activate my super sonic, super fast getting to school power. I thought rolling my eyes at my own geekiness and stupidity.

There goes my good day.

I don't know how it was possible, but I made it out of bed and to school in about 17 minutes. All my limbs were still intact and I only stumbled on my way down the stairs once! This has to be a first. I also only tripped once going into school. New record! But my day plumitted to rcok bottom as soon as I walked though the school doors.

I walked into school and saw that down the hallway, Tiffany and Teague stood with their backs to me. They looked like they were talking to someone and when I got closer I recognised Rene's voice. She looked, well she looked bad.

Probably was studying till late last night. I thought.

"Rene?" asked Tiffany.

"Yes?" she said.

"Are you still wearing your pajamas? Again?" asked Teague disgust dripping from her voice.

I saw Rene look down at her purple pajama top and jean shorts her brown eyes confused. "Yes ... Is that a problem?" she asked her eyebrows rose.

"Duh" said Tiffany flipping her blonde hair back.

"Rene how can you leave the house wearing that? I mean look at you? You're still in your pjs and have you even brushed your hair? You filthy fat person!" said Teague.

"Well" said Rene no expression evident on her face.Only those who knew her as well as I did could tell how badly those words affected her.

"I was up till really late last night studying and I don't really care what people think. I mean why should I dress up for the world? Why should I pretend to be someone, just because the world doesn't approve of what I'm? Why should I be the 'perfect one' just to please the world? Why should I? What has the world or its people ever done for me?"

"BUT Rene, you can't leave your house looking the way you do!" Said Tiffany in disgust.

"Remind me the next time I go out mom." Rene said rolling her eyes.

Now I was angry. How dare those idiots judge Rene? I was about to go over there when I saw Al stride over, followed closely by Adam, and Valdimir, backing Rene.

"Leave her the heck alone Tiffany, Teague. Go prim your hair in the mirror or something." I could here the anger in Al's voice.

I saw Coltan and Jason come up behind Al.

We have trouble now. I thought as all hades broke lose.

Coltan grabbed Al's shoulders and held him while Jason punched him in the stomach.

"Don't talk to Tiff that way." Jason said.

Jay strode past me . He looked ready to kill.

"Really?! Y'all are a bunch of idiots. Knock it off. God do you want detention? Just not talk to each other."

"You think you all are so cool right?" Coltan said as Jason punched Al once again.

"No we don't, but we know you do." said Vlad.

Jay was just about to punch Jason for punching Al when we herd the annoncement about the assembly go off.

Good timing I thought.

I finally walked over to the group and they all looked at me.

"What's going on"

"Nothing." Jay said with his teeth snapped together.

Ouch. Teeth. I'm sorry. You don't deserve that. I thought.

"Of course its not nothing." I replied rolling my eyes at him.

"Well, I was just saying-"

Coltan is cut off by Jason saying "You act so tough all the time, well it's time to see if you are just as daunting as you say or if it's just talk" mischief evident in his eyes.

Trouble. Trouble. Trouble. My spidy sences screamed.

" We dare you to go to the school basement and switch the main MCV off." dared Jason

"We are no cowards. We will complete your stupid dare." I retorded.

"But that will cause a chaos" said Jay.

"Exactly." sneered Coltan.

"Okay then, off to the basement we go. Riskers follow." replied Rene.

Well I practically signed my own detention certificate. I thought. Too late to back down now.

So Al, me, Rene, and Jay all snuck into the gym. But before we could head down the stairs Adam and Vladimir came up to us. I pressed my finger to my lips, telling thme to keep their mouths shut. They just nodded and followed us as we made our way past all the janitors stuff and down the steps into the black basement. It was three flights of steep stairs till we reached the bottom.

One hundered and nienty seven steps to be exact. Yes I calculated it.

I felt like I was in one of the Harry Potterbooks, going under Gringotts bank. The only difference was I had niether a goblin nor Hagrid with me for company and we were not traveling by a magical cart.

On finally steeping on land level I was horrified at the stale metallic stench in the air. It was pitch dark, so as much I thought I had gone blind. I grabbed ahold of someone's hand not really sure who it was, nor caring.

"Hang on, I'll just get the flash on my phone on." said Vlad.

Oh how I wish he hadn't. I squeezed the hand I was holding and I felt their arms wrap around me, pulling me into their chest. Blocking my view of the horrific scene that lay before us. I peeked up at who was holding me. Jay.

"Its probably just paint." said Al looking unconvinced himself.

But I knew it was not paint or even tomato ketchep as Adam had been pathetic enough to suggest.

For I could identify the metalic smell and colour of this thick life giving liquid anywhere.

It was blood.

Comments & reviews · 4
User avatar
mmbmio
Review
mmbmio wrote a review Review · Nov 9, 2016

Well done, this first chapter is a true hit!
Here's my critique:
First off, I thought your transition getting your protagonist to school was really smooth and that can be hard!
Secondly,

thme to keep their mouths shut.

You just spelled them wrong.To be honest, I do the same thing all the time! ;)
Thirdly,
nienty seven steps to be exact.

You spelled ninety wrong. That's all! XD
Lastly, I wanted to talk about this sentence.
Yes I calculated it.

I would just add a comma after 'yes' because it gives the sentence a nice pause.
Overall, you did a great job! I really enjoyed reading and look forward to another chapter soon :)
Sincerely,
M

User avatar
Holysocks
Review
Holysocks wrote a review Review · Nov 8, 2016

Hey there! Care for a review this lovely day?

I have to say that ending was a good hook! I didn't expect that at all, and now I certainly want to see what's going to happen next! What was all that blood from I wonder? How will it play into the story? It's exciting! I think you did a pretty good job of keeping things moving along really well in a way that makes us want to find out more.

Am I correct in assuming this story is a Divergent Fan Fiction? And for this, if it is in fact a fan fic, you basically put your own characters in the universe that Roth created? Some of the names in this sound familiar but it's been awhile since I read Divergent, so I'm having a hard time remembering.

One thing I noticed about this chapter is we were introduced to a lot of characters without actually being properly introduced to any of them. We have no idea who the MC is, or any of these people that were mentioned. Generally it's a lot easier for readers to digest new characters and learn about them/keep them straight when only a few are introduced at a time. Ask yourself; which of these characters do I really need for this scene, and which could I use for a different scene? The less characters we have to get to know at a time means the less confused we'll be about who's talking and what's happening in the story. The other benefit to introducing less characters is that your characters will naturally become more detailed and refined because you'll be focusing on a smaller group of people- which is really great because it shapes your characters and allows us to fall in love with them.

Coltan grabbed Al's shoulders and held him while Jason punched him in the stomach.


What's going on? It seemed to go from some friends teasing their friend to some kind of school war! I feel like this developed really fast and it didn't feel very realistic to me, like they might have had a reason to be mad, but not really one to start beating on the kid. I get that they're dauntless, so naturally they're a bit higher strung- but my advice is give them good reasons to lose their tempers- and that might only mean extending the conversation until someone says something really out of line.


Ouch. Teeth. I'm sorry. You don't deserve that. I thought.


This made me giggle! I like it!

Overall I think you're off to a fantastic start! And again I LOVE the ending, and am super curious to see what you'll do with it! Keep it up my friend!!! I hope you found this somewhat helpful! c:

-Socks

Haha well this is not a divergent fan fiction xD though I think I'll write it one of these days but not this one. Anyway thank you and i'll keep the advise in mind for the future chapters :)

Okay, good to know!

User avatar
EverStorm
Review
EverStorm wrote a review Review · Nov 8, 2016

Hey! EverWinter here to give a review!

As far as story line goes, i like it. This is a great idea and i think it can go far. Just fair warning thiugh, watch out for plot holes and rushing. I feel like that could be a problem in the future.

The only thing i noticed as far as things to fix is making your paragraphs longer and dont just hit return after a sentence if it isnt necessary (like there is dialogue following it)

Also, id take a second look at your dialogue. Your characters never use contractions and unless this is completely relevant to the plot, id change it. Teenagers dont use phrases like "that will" or "do not" just plainly. Teenagers slur their words together and talk fast so contractions are always in use unless a person isnt a native english speaker.

Thats really all i have to say. Keep going, tis could be really great!
EverWinter

User avatar
Vogel Review
Vogel wrote a review Review · Nov 8, 2016

Hi , I'm fairly new to YWS so i'm not particularly great at writing reviews. But I do read a lot and I know a story that I like when I see one ! I enjoyed the short little intro you gave at the beginning , it really got my attention away from all the distractions around me and had me focused on your work. I love to write mysteries myself and I know how thrilling it is to truly enthrall your readers with anticipation. I got a bit confused with the characters when they all jumped into the conflict ,but I'm sure I'll get to know them better as the story progresses. I really like it and I'll be the first to check out chapter 2 :) Just don't take too long with it !

Welcome to YWS and thank you for the review! :)



Work expands to fill the time available for its completion.
— C. Northcote Parkinson