Hi, DivergentDemigod. Back to fry up another review.
The drama continues! You did well to build up the tension of them getting closer and closer to the body, and I like that you don't get too bogged down lingering on endless description. Here are my pointers:
Proofreading
There are a lot of typos and punctuation mishaps in this chapter, and I think most of it is down to a lack of proofreading. Most writing is rewriting, and the process of going over your work and correcting mistakes is essential. Make sure to run your work through a spellchecker before you publish it.
You also tend to miss out apostrophes. Remember that 'that's' needs an apostrophe, as does 'don't'. A spellchecker would probably pick up on these as well.
Description
Whilst it's good that you don't write rambling description, I think you could afford to dwell a little more on some of the events in this chapter. You describe the smell of the blood, and give a little insight into what the basement looks like, but not enough for me to feel like the setting is tangible. Let's look at this section:
The guys were too determined to finish their dare. So we continued walking.The thick metallic smell of blood was so much stronger now, that I couldn’t even breathe without cringing.
If this is what the school basement looks like, I thought. Well I seriously hope they don’t have skeletons in the janitor's closet. Or maybe they do, I haven’t been in one anyway. Nor would I want to for that matter.
You've got a real opportunity to use the senses here, but you only tap briefly into smell. What does the basement look like? Are there cobwebs looped over the ceiling pipes? Is the paint on the walls blistered with age? What can you hear? Is it silent? Is there a boiler tank gurgling at one end of the room? Aside from the blood, what can you smell? Damp? Old cleaning wares? Maybe you can almost taste dust in the air? Try to think in four dimensions as you write. Don't write with all the senses all the time, but remember how key they are to setting a tangible scene. Throwing in a remark about sound or taste can really give life to your writing.
Narration
The self-aware narrator can work, but they can also detract from the drama in a scene like this. When you're dealing with something as tense as the discovery of a body, you want to get the reader to feel as close to the situation as possible, like they're seeing it from behind the main character's shoulder. However, when Kat keeps stopping to comment on her own unusual behaviour, it pulls the reader out with her and detaches them from what's happening. Like here:
It’s a girl. I thought as I went a few steps closer, covering my nose with my hand. I had always hated the uniform considering how revealing it was, but I had never hated it as much as I did now. The uniform stuck to the body and was matted in blood.
Why, oh why did god made my soul so curious? I thought as I stepped closer to the body.
Any sane person would have called 911 by now, but well, me being me, I had to find out who it was for myself.
The bits in bold are what I'm talking about. They break the tension, and they also don't seem particularly realistic - a schoolgirl who'd just seen a bleeding body wouldn't be so self aware as to chastise their curiosity and berate themselves for not calling 911. If you want the discovery to feel visceral and raw, keep away from Katherine's inner thoughts and focus on her sensory reactions. Maybe her chest heaves. Maybe her vision clouds and she gets faint.
General Thoughts
I think this is probably the best bit of the story so far. I think it's a shame that you didn't introduce Jessica before killing her off, as her death might have been more emotional if I felt like I knew her. I also find it strange that it took Kat so long to recognise her body, if she truly is her best friend. Unless it's because she didn't expect to, or because of shock, but you could stand to make it clearer.
Last point. When you're writing Kat's inner monologue, do so in italics, as it'll make it easier to read. So this:
Shouldn't Al my boyfriend of four months be doing this? I thought at the back of my mind. Oh well.
Would be written like this:
Shouldn't Al, my boyfriend of four months, be doing this? I thought at the back of my mind. Oh well.
It's essentially inner dialogue, so you should use italics to separate it out in the same way that speech marks are used to separate out verbal dialogue.
Hope I helped! Message me if you have any questions.
Keep writing!
~Pan
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